Battles and Victories

Hello again, my dear readers.

I have just had a whirlwind of a week.  My graduation party was Saturday and was amazing, I might add.  My cousin came in from out of town and we totally hit it off - I see her now as a best friend/family/everything kind of person.  Which is good because a lot of my current friends are AWOL or morons or just unavailable.  (Busy lives makes it hard.)

I'm on the downswing, though.

The current battle is one with my moods and weight.

My moods are in the gutter.  I'm tired and I just feel like crying all the time for not good reason.  I don't feel motivated to do a lot of stuff.  It's the onset of a depression curve and I need to kill it before it pulls me under.

Then there's my weight.  Age 21 and 1/2, 5'5", and 215 lbs.  Not good.  Not good at all.  My new summer goal is to lose 25 of those pounds by August.

I'm scared though.  What if I'm going to be fat forever?  What if I can't win this battle?  What if I die young because I was stupid and kept gaining weight??? 

So those are the battles.

But there are also victories.

Like my cousin being completely awesome.  And the fact that I got a job at JC Penny.  And the writing set I got complete with pens that have to be dipped in jars of ink, a wax seal, and beautiful stationary. 

My boyfriend loves me.  My family loves me.  The few friends I have love me.

These are good things.

So we'll see how the next few weeks and months progress.  I want to be super aggressive about everything.  I want to be healthy and me.

Until next time,

Meaghan

Keeping Busy

I miss my boyfriend.

Yes, I know the distance is not that great.  Yes, I know that others have to endure worse.  Yes, I know that being codependent is bad and that I should keep going on with my life.

But dammit.  I miss him.

I've been doing everything I can to keep busy -  going out with friends, doing my homework, spending time with my family, knitting like my hands are going to fall off.  (I just have to do the collar of my sweater, and then it's done.)

It's not the same though.  I miss seeing him, being with him, talking with him in person.  I don't know what this says about me.  But it doesn't matter.

To top it off, I caught my sister's cold.  Everything hurts like hell today.  And I still have to go to class.

Plus I have side effects from my meds again, so my body is trying to readjust.  Not fun.

I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and cry until I fall asleep.

That has been my whine post.  I'm going to buy some bright colored yarn this week and knit myself out of this crappy place. 

The next update will be more optimistic, I promise.

~Meaghan

Saturday Blog

So, my dear readers (whoever you may be), I am attempting to keep good to my word about blog updates. Although, I do have to say that is very quiet right now and there is pretty much nothing of interest to blog about.

Today, I am going to a graduation party. It is the graduation party of a friend of mine who kind of drives me nuts and is responsible for my attitude of never getting involved with a guy, at least not for now. I am terrified that the party is going to be awkward and that I will not feel comfortable there, as I am having trouble feeling comfortable around this person like I once had been. I know that sounds dumb, but it's very true.

So deep breaths and try to act like myself again.

Tomorrow I go to see Star Trek. I cannot tell you how excited I am by the concept. I have become a huge Star Trek fan just within the past week, and I can't get enough of it. I think that, considering the various other phases I have gone through (Yu-Gi-Oh! and Fruits Basket being the biggest, followed closely by Twilight), this phase will eventually pass. Everything else seems too.

Today, I feel like I am on the edge of forever. I can't explain it, but that's what it is. It's almost like feeling isolated in my own little world, away from the rest of humanity and self contained inside my bubble. It's quiet, tiring, and a bit lonesome sometimes, but it ultimately works.

I feel like that's how I've spent my month of May. I just need things to not affect me as much. Once I can master that, my moods will be better.

Anyway. That's the morning blog. Later, gater.