Holes

I woke up this morning, my dear readers, and had a bit of a surprise.  Not a good surprise, either. 

My favorite pair of knitted socks - the ones made last year with an autumn colorway of Koigu hand painted merino wool - has a hole in them.

Not like a little hole I can fix, either.  Like, a hole that requires making a new pair of socks.

(Which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't lost the urge to knit for a few days.  Eventually this problem will be fixed and I'll be knitting again, but for now, I'm on a break.)

The whole thing - no pun intended - got me thinking.

Everything is made to wear out. 

Think about it.  Shoes wear out.  Socks wear out.  Animals and people wear out.  Furniture wears out.  Floors wear out.

And it goes beyond that.  Relationships get old and wear out.  Friendships get worn out.  Jobs and homes and families sometimes wear out.

Nothing is permanent.

But that's part of the beauty of it.  While they wear out, they usually just change.  Sometimes a friendship falls apart and a new one replaces it.  Sometimes a relationship wears out and becomes better for it.  Sometimes a job ends and a better one comes along.

Nothing is permanent.  Nothing here on Earth lasts forever.

No error is eternal.  No argument goes on for ever.  No mispoken word or wrong action will last. 

Instead, we learn from it.  We grow from it.  We let it fade and make new marks.

We weave new yarns together, so to speak.

And I, for one, am glad of that.

~Meaghan

Battles and Victories

Hello again, my dear readers.

I have just had a whirlwind of a week.  My graduation party was Saturday and was amazing, I might add.  My cousin came in from out of town and we totally hit it off - I see her now as a best friend/family/everything kind of person.  Which is good because a lot of my current friends are AWOL or morons or just unavailable.  (Busy lives makes it hard.)

I'm on the downswing, though.

The current battle is one with my moods and weight.

My moods are in the gutter.  I'm tired and I just feel like crying all the time for not good reason.  I don't feel motivated to do a lot of stuff.  It's the onset of a depression curve and I need to kill it before it pulls me under.

Then there's my weight.  Age 21 and 1/2, 5'5", and 215 lbs.  Not good.  Not good at all.  My new summer goal is to lose 25 of those pounds by August.

I'm scared though.  What if I'm going to be fat forever?  What if I can't win this battle?  What if I die young because I was stupid and kept gaining weight??? 

So those are the battles.

But there are also victories.

Like my cousin being completely awesome.  And the fact that I got a job at JC Penny.  And the writing set I got complete with pens that have to be dipped in jars of ink, a wax seal, and beautiful stationary. 

My boyfriend loves me.  My family loves me.  The few friends I have love me.

These are good things.

So we'll see how the next few weeks and months progress.  I want to be super aggressive about everything.  I want to be healthy and me.

Until next time,

Meaghan

A Lack of Road Signs

I feel like I'm riding along through an unmarked area.  There are no road signs telling me which way to go.  Anyway I go will be fine, but each will lead me to a different place.  Those places are unknown.

Hmmm.

My sister just got accepted to the four year school of her choice for the fall.  I am so very, very happy for her.  She has had her heart set on it for the past few months.  It is incredible.  She's so excited.  I haven't seen her this excited for anything in a very, very long time.

I got back from visiting my boyfriend in Boulder.  It was the best thing all semester.  We stayed in a hotel, ate delivery, went to the Pearl Street Mall, visited a yarn store, talked, watched movies, etc.  It was incredible being so close.  When I left, we both cried, me more than him.  I felt like Rose from Dr. Who in the Doomsday episode.  All I wanted was to go back.

And thus the cross roads.

I have been told that if I go to a four year school, I will be more employable.  But my major would probably be English.  And honestly, I'm completely neutral about it.  I'm neither excited nor unexcited about the prospect of going to school for a few more years.  It's more "Ehhh."

If I get a full time job, I can save, live at home, get a car, and then work on moving out.  I can move in with my boyfriend or move near him to give both of us a support structure and routine.  I like this idea, but I'm not ready to work full time at the moment.

So what I think I'll do is keep the job on the weekends that I currently have.  I'll spend as much time over the summer as I can with the people I care about.  And then come July or August I'll decide what to do.

Maybe I'll have some road signs by then.

~Meaghan

All Things Considered....

I'm doing pretty well at keeping this blog somewhat updated.  Even without the convience of internet in our home.  And without really having anything important to say.

It's like cutting my bangs.  Geez.  I finally did that this morning.  I washed my hair and combed my bangs forward (where they should be) instead of to the side.  And I realized they hit the tip of my nose.  Awesomeness.

Several minutes later of chopping frenzy that only hair stylists and five year olds tend to have, and voila.  My bangs now sit where they should be - just below my eyebrows.

Why is blogging like cutting my bangs? 

Well....I'm actually still working on it.  I really just wanted to talk about cutting my own hair and not butchering it.

Oh!  Wait!  I know!

If I don't try to at least keep up with this blog, much like my bangs, then I end up with so much to write about that I can't do it in a post and life becomes skimmed over.  There.  That's my analogy.

My brain hurts.

Today is my mom's birthday.  It's pretty exciting. :)  She's a capricorn and totally fits it, too - good with numbers,  very logical, needs schedules, etc.  I love her.  I would be nothing without my parents, especially my mom. So happy birthday to her.

Gah, school starts in two weeks.  My boyfriend leaves for his school (in a different city) on Wed.  Life is changing.  I'm terrified.  But I will face it head on.  I will.

Alright.  I'm off.  Wish me luck facing life, and I'll be doing the same for you, dear readers.

~Meaghan

I Told You I Was Going to be Buried.

Didn't I?  Didn't I, dear readers?

Oh, class got cancelled today.  Yeah, that's awesome.  The day my story is up for critiques is the day class gets cancelled.  I vaguely think this happened to me last time, too...

We're learning about life on other planets.  Well, the potential of life on other planets.  I can't help but believe that there will be life out there.  Isn't it arrogant to think that we are alone in the universe?  I think it is.  There is too much to explore before we can rule out the possibility.

I can't really think of a lot that's going on.  I'm probably going to go help one of my friends for a bit when I'm done here.  I'm scheduled to work a table at an event for her from like 2:30 to 4, but I think I might go sooner.  I can knit down there and join the festivities.

My boyfriend is on a one track mind right now - homework.  That's all he can think about.  Doing homework, staying on top of it, getting good grades with it, etc.  I respect him for that, but I'd be lying if I said it didn't drive me nuts sometimes.  I hope he gets things figured out soon.

My parents celebrated their 27th wedding anniversary yesterday.  I hope that we have that long and more together, too. 

My sister had a concussion a few weeks ago.  She's still recovering.  All in all, she's doing a lot better than she was.  I am greatful.

I'm going through a questioning period with my faith.  I believe in God and I like Christianity, but the more I learn about the world around me, the more I feel disillusioned.  I can't believe there's only one wya to get to heaven.  I can't do it.  It does not bode with me. 

I've taken up the mindset of different paths, same mountain.  If a truly loving God truly loves His children, then everyone should be able to get there.  I'm still going to follow the Christian holidays, but I feel like I'm not going to be able to go back at looking at them like I used to.

Ah, but that's stuff for another time.  A different blog, perhaps, or maybe not a blog at all.  I don't know.

And on that note, I'm going to go help at this school event.  Have a great Thursday, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Plans

I know, it's dangerous to make plans.

But sometimes, plans can be a good thing.  Plans can make you feel like things are going to be ok even when you aren't sure they are.

My boyfriend and I have been making plans.  Moving plans, future plans, life plans.  I know that somewhere, God is probably laughing at us.  But He brought us together, so chances are that He knows we were going to do this.

I'm considering a hope chest.  It's such an old fashioned thing if you think about it.  Pioneer women would start hope chests and fill them with things that they could bring into their marriage - blankets and clothing and cooking things.  And hope.  Lots and lots of hope.

I want to start one.  I'm going to be moving in a year or so (at least provided the plans work out), and I want to have things to bring with me.  Cook books and dishes I like and blankets.  And hope.  Lots and lots of hope.

There's nothing wrong with hoping and dreaming.  I think that without hope and dreams, humans would fade out.  It's a theme you see throughout history.  Once humans became settled enough to stay in one place, they began to write stories and dream of the future.

I can't live without hope.  And even if our plans fall to shreds in the next year or two, I'm going to hope for the best.  Because life is better that way.  Life is better when you see the glass as half full and the hopes and dreams as colorful possibilities instead of black and white realities.

I want you to hope too, dear readers.  Hope in tomorrow.

~Meaghan

July at Last.

I feel like the summer has passed in a blissful blur.  I never thought I would experience the emotions that I've been priveledged to, that I would be this happy and content about change and moving forward.  It is an interesting thing.  At the same time, it is something that I am blessed to be a part of. 

Even as the summer is passing in a glorious blur.

As I move forward and time passes, a part of me is overwhelmed.  I will be 21 in a few weeks.  I will be finishing school next spring.  I have met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I can't think about it all.  It's too much.

Whenever I do, I turn into a clinging child, looking to my parents for comfort and help.  On those days, I do not feel confident.  I wonder about where I'm going, what I'm doing.

But I can't live like that.  Life is beautiful, even through the changes.  You only get one chance to spend each day.  You never get the opportunity to go back and redo.  So why regret?  Why be afraid about what tomorrow may bring when you can love and laugh and dance today/

That is what I'm learning.  I'm learning that I need to experience each day at a time, and to love each moment.  And I do.  Oh, I do.

This life is amazing.

~Meaghan

Still Here.

In so many ways.

First of all, the world didn't end yesterday.  I'm rather happy about it.  I mean, as prepared as I am for zombies and whatnot, I really have waay too much going on to have the world destroyed right now.  So happy.  I want to finish college, have a job, get married and have kids, etc.

Second of all, I'm still here on my blog too.  I know updating has been hit or miss this month.  I don't mean to be so lax, I'm just caught up in life right now.  I'm happy, believe it or not.  I have a wonderful man in my life, a great family, school finished on a high note, and everything is going well.  Plus I've been sick.  That always plays a part in it.

So don't fret, my dear readers.  I'm back in business.  I'm going to try to update every day from now until the end of the year.  Wish me luck.

Katie got her black belt yesterday.  I am so proud of her! It was hard to watch -  there were a lot of tears and pain and hardship to go around.  But she did it!! And it's amazing!  And she earned every bit of it, too. =D

And now I must go and get things ready.  Tonight is going to be fun - my boyfriend is coming over for dinner again. =)

Enjoy the rest of your weekend!

Another Tuesday Down.

I'm blogging from church right now.  It may be a short blog, cause I think I'm running out of time before my sister is done.

Another Tuesday is nearly over.  I am happy to say that I have made it through.  It was not the best day, but it was not the worst day.  It was merely a day.

School wasn't as bad as it could've been.  I ate my food, read some free reading, read some school reading.  I haven't met any new people yet, but I think I'm getting there.  My classes were fine.  My day was fine.  One of my friends said that next week she may come to school to hang out over my off period; that would be cool.

My mom is sick with a cold.  I made soup for dinner.  I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, but I'm betting that it's going to be ok. 

I went to improv for the first time in a very long time.  It felt so good to laugh.  So good to laugh.  I feel like I don't laugh as much as I should any more.  I want to work on that.  I need to work on that.  Otherwise, I think I may go crazy.

(I'm already going crazy, I think, but it's besides the point...)

I have a mountain of homework.  It feels like it might bury me alive.  But it won't.  I'll work on it tomorrow and it will all be ok.  It will get done, class on Thursday will be good, and my weekend will give me time to relax and catch up on things.

In other words, my dear readers, even though I'm feeling a little funky in my mind, I'm ok.  It's not as bad as it once was, and it's not as bad as it could get.  I'm suffering from let down with things.  I'm finding my rhythm. 

I'm living.

(And that statement feels good to write.  Even though it's not entirely what I expected, I'm living.  I'm doing it. )

Another Tuesday down.

Until the next time, my dear readers. 

~Meaghan

The Sunday Update Edition

I feel like an editor, putting that title on this post.  Ah well; I may be one soon enough.

So far, the dog is doing better.  I am so relieved you honestly have no idea.  She ate her food last night.  She went to the bathroom this morning.  She's acting more and more like herself.  I am so thankful.  She's going to stay alive.

I feel like I'm slowly but surely conquering the fears in my life.  I rode the elevator at school on Thursday - by myself, I must add - more than once.  I am using the garbage disposal with less paranoia.  (I'm going to end up writing a short story about my fear of the garabage disposal, I just know it...)  Walking by myself is getting less intimidating.  Sitting by myself at school is slowly getting more comfortable.

And I'm not afraid that the dog is going to die before the owner gets home.

I am still freaked out by the dark, spiders, drowning, etc.  It's a process.  We're getting there.

Last night I had this dream where I was out with my mom, my sister, and my friend Cathryn.  We were shopping for wedding dresses.  And not just any wedding dress, guys.  We were shopping for MY wedding dress.  I tried one on and it was perfect; everyone started crying, myself included.

I hardly ever dream about weddings.  It's an even rarer occasion for me to dream about my own.  I think I've had maybe one other dream about my wedding, and that was due to stress years ago.  I mean, I woke up from that dream feeling stressed, too.  Not good.  (I got sick shortly after, if I remember correctly...)

This one was different.  I don't remember what the dress looked like.  I know that it fit perfectly.  I was shopping with the people who matter to me, for something that mattered.  And when I woke up, I felt  hopeful.

Let me repeat that.  I felt hopeful.

It's a rare occasion that a dream makes me feel hopeful.  Normally I'm either freaking out because it was a nightmare or a stress dream, or I'm laughing because it was just plain weird.  Sometimes I'm even contemplative when I wake up.

But I feel full of hope today.  I think, as odd as this may sound, that maybe this was God's way of telling me to not give up on the opposite gender.  Because, if I'm being honest with myself, I was about to.

Now, I feel like I have simple directions to follow.  Do my thing, God will do the rest.  And most of all, keep my head up.

Between this and the fact that I'm getting over my fears a little at a time, I feel like it's going to be ok.  I'm going to be ok.  Life is going to be ok.

And the sun is shining today.  What more could I ask for?

Until the next time, my dear readers,

~Meaghan

I'm Realizing....

...that not everyone pays attention.

People don't pay attention to the words they use.  They don't pay attention to the places around them.  They don't pay attention to the people around them.  They don't pay attention to the 'hows' or 'whys' or 'whats'.

Please be noted: I am not guiltless.  I sometimes go through my life in a daze.  And I put my foot in my mouth nearly all the time, it seems.  But I try.  I try to be careful with the words I use.  I try to see the places and things around me.  I try to remember the people around me.

I've been mulling it over, guys.  I really have.  And I've come to the conclusion today that I can be a better person from my experiences instead of letting them bum me out.  Let's start with things that have happened and go from there:

  I've had friends sound rude through texting because they don't bother with grammar or with how they word things.  I've had friends text me thinking I was one of their local friends, and then just abruptly leave me hanging when the error was brought to their attention, making me feel like they really didn't want to talk to me anyway.  I've had friends use poor juxtaposition in things (saying Colorado is too expensive for a trip but then getting excited about going to Europe should not me done in the same five minutes; just saying...).

 I've had friends tackily ask for my lecture notes from a year ago - after already asking if they could borrow my book - so that they can have them when they take the class now.  I've known people who only call when they want things and then up and leave.  I've had guys tell me that they hadn't noticed that we were taking the same class even though we sat across from each other in the hall nearly every day.

I've had crushes on guys who don't even know that I exist.  (Yup.  Braces boy.  That one's not going anywhere anytime soon, lol.)

But as I sat by myself for an hour and a half in the hall today, I realized something.  They don't define me.  I am my own person.  I can be better.

Instead of letting these things eat at me and make me believe that I am a worthless person (which I'm not, btw; I actually do have a lot going for me at the moment, thanks), I can learn from them.  I think the trick is that I have to remember that everyone is human.  Part of being human is being prone to error.  As my psychology professor said today, we live in a very much 'me' society.  Granted, not everyone is like that, but it's true - many are after their own agendas and will not stop to get there, either conciously or subconciously.

I felt a hundred times better.

I think what I need to do is to forgive the people who have hurt me.  Chances are, they didn't mean to.  And if I really feel like I don't have that much of myself to give, then I need to cut back.  It's self-preservation.

But most of all, I need to not let it taint my views of the world.  I can do that; I think it will make me happier in the long run.

 I write, so I pay more attention to things than the average person.  That doesn't make me any better or worse than the individual next to me.  It merely means I'm more perceptive; there's nothing wrong with it.  If anything, then I can use it to make more love and happiness in the world instead of toe stepping and anger.

I think this psych class is going to be good for my inner self.

And if push comes to shove, I'll get my revenge in short stories.  Bwahaha. XD

~Meaghan

Oh. My. Gosh.

What a day.

Let's start at the beginning, my dear readers, shall we?

School started today.  I was so nervous, but also incredibly excited.  My first class went off without a hitch; English is promising to be a great class.  The instructor is young, enthused, and full of ideas.  I'm completely pumped.  Also, there's a guy from my History class there - no, not the one with braces  - who sat next to me.  He seems nice.  It makes it seem less scary knowing one person, even if it's just by face at first.

So that was good.

My next class, Psychology, was also good.  The instructor is a therapist as well as an instructor.  It shows.  She's already made me squirm.  And I realize that this class is going to make me look at things deeper than I anticipated.  It's going to be incredibly interesting.  The nice thing is that it's just down the hall from my English class - no stress about changing classes.  I like that.

At this point I have an hour and forty-five minutes before my last class for today.  During this time, I anticipate swapping my book at the bookstore.

You see, the bookstore sold me the wrong book for my Speech class.  This is the second semester in a row that they've done that.  This time, though, I was smart; I kept my receipt.  My thinking was that they would let me trade the book for the one that I needed, and have me make up the price difference.  I could do that with the money left from my loan.

Instead, I was told that I could not change the book out.  I had to sell the one back for a full refund on my loan, which won't go into effect for like a week.  Then I had to buy the new book - the one that they should've given me in the first place.

So I sold the one back, then went outside and called my mom.  Several phone calls later and one container of mushy mac-and-cheese later: a solution is reached and I'm in tears.  It was not fun.  Thankfully my mom was so fantastic about the whole thing.  She helped me calm down; she also did some research to find out if the bookstore had the book in stock.  They did.  We came up with the plan that my dad would come and help me pay for it.

I was able to go to Speech class in a huff of relief.  The class was great as well.  The instructor cracked most of the class up multiple times; I feel a lot better about giving speeches.  The work load this semester is going to be ok.  I can feel it.

(I would like it to be known that the boy with braces appears to start his school day the same time I do - I saw him in the hall - and appears to have the same break I do - again, I saw him.  I'm not hoping for much, but seeing as I have no one to hang with between classes and it appears he doesn't either, maybe - MAYBE - I can have someone to sit with.  The plan is that I'm going to take a book and sit where I normally sit before class.  If he comes over, eventually, we'll talk.  Or, I'll actually finish my current book.  It's a win-win plan, I think...)

I get home, I grab my sister, and we go get my dad.  At the bookstore, I find the book I need and take it to the check out.  I tell them I want to pay with my aid. 

And that's when I get told that I have no more financial aid available.

What???

I just finished checking my one account, and I should have about fifty or more dollars in financial aid.  So I get to go spend tomorrow finding out what happened.  Not how I wanted to spend my day.  I mean, I have homework.  This semester should've gone off without a hitch.  Blah.

My dad was cool about it, though.  He bought my book.  Now I can get caught up in the reading. 

Well, on the bright side, it was a really nice day today.  I ate outside, which was kind of nice after the winter stuff.  I saw braces boy in the hall twice, giving me hope that maybe I'll see him again.  My instructors are all friendly and enthusiastic.  The classes are going to be good.  And hey, it can only go up from here. 

Tomorrow is going to be good. 

Thursday is going to be good.

That's what I love about life: there's always a chance for a better day. 

Until next time, guys.

~Meaghan

Sometimes I Wonder.

I wonder about people.  I wonder about myself too, actually.

Why am I on the road to being a writer?  It's an imposing question, and one that I've tried to answer on multiple occasions.  I think I may finally know the reason.

I have to write.

I go crazy when I don't.  It is such a fundamental part of me that I don't think I could live without it.  And I'm happy doing it.  Truly I am.  Even though I'm unpublished and unknown, I love what I do.  I am always coming up with new ideas and new phrases and new characters.  I love that.  It's like I have my own little world.  It's totally private and however I want it to be; then, when the time is right, I can share it with those around me.

But.

It's not easy.  Being a writer, I mean.  It can be terribly lonely at times.  Because you're always looking at things not just for what they seem to be but for also what they could become, people give you strange looks.  Even my best friends don't understand me at times.  It's almost like a solitary road; you're surrounded by people but it's hard to understand, so they just kind of give you space.

And it's a rough road too, covered with pot holes.  Writer's block, stories with only partial plots at a time, characters who are constantly changing from what you think they should be into what they want to be.  Granted, I love that last one; I love when my characters create a life of their own, even if it means it's more difficult for me to write them. 

The biggest problem is time. 

You have to make a living.  You have to do things with your life.  I have so many ideas and concepts and threads, but I don't have enough time.  Even on break I haven't been able to get them all down even though I write every day.  Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough hours in an already intimidatingly long day.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not meant for anything else.  I love to write, but I still can't help but wonder nonetheless.  It's part of that human instinct, I think.

I play the violin and I'm so greatful I've started up again.  But I don't have the dedication or drive to become a professional, not on any level.  And Biology was my passion for so long; but I go bored in the lecture halls and felt like ripping my hair out in lab.  Math was actually something I briefly thought about - solving Trig problems has an almost comforting rhythm - but I shot it down because it's not something I want to do every day.  Chemistry got shot down for much of the same reason; it's fun but not something I think I'd be dedicated to.

Acting?  I can do decent improv but I don't want to go to school for it.  Singing? Nope, my voice is unpredictable and sounds scratchy to my own ears.  Teacher?  I thought about it long and hard, I really did.  I have the patience, I'm good with kids.  But I'm already looking at three years of school for an Associates of Arts degree.  I don't want to spend any more than that.

And so everything has come back to writing.  To this thing where there's no guarentee that I'll make a living at it, where there's little to no recognition, where there's isolation and melancholy moods that come and go as the wind.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

What I'm going to do when I graduate school is still a mystery to me.  I will find a job somewhere and work until I can move out; my sister and I are talking of getting an apartment together, but plans can change and I'm prepared should it happen. 

Will I be happy in a job?  Will I get married down the road and have a family?  Will I live alone in the middle of nowhere and watch time pass?

I don't know. 

But of one thing I am completely certain: whatever happens, I will write.  I will always write.

And that makes me happy.

Until we meet again, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Life is Short. =(

Hi guys.  Yeah, I know I haven't blogged in a while.  It's the week of Christmas and I've been swamped with trying to stay sane.  And yeah, I realize it's after 1 in the morning.  I'm exhausted, trust me.  But I have to blog about something that's bothering me.

I just found out that a woman I worked with at Sylvan lost her husband yesterday.  This woman is probably one of the sweetest people you'll ever meet, and is one of the teachers I miss working with the most.  She is kind, generous, funny, and just a great person to be around.  She also has two very small little boys.

The fact that this happened to her, that her husband died in her arms from the flu, bothers me.  It really does bother me.  I've always considered myself to be pretty immune to death and the notion of dying.  After all, when most girls my age were planning their weddings, I was planning my funeral (I know it sounds awful, but it's true; I now am planning my imaginary wedding though, so we've moved on...).  But this news makes me incredibly sad.

Can you imagine what she must be going through?

To go through life and find that one person who God has created just for you, your soul mate and other half is a great thing.  To start a family with that person must be wonderful.  But then to have that other half of yourself ripped away suddenly when you think you have more time to be with them.  It must be awful. 

Especially with the holidays so close.  Christmas is technically tomorrow.

It makes me cry, actually.  I'm in tears for this wonderful woman as I write this blog.  I cannot imagine how heartbreaking it is.  I can't comprehend the pain she must be going through.

I know I don't do this very often, guys, but please pray for her.  Please.  No matter what your faith is or what you believe, please offer up a prayer for comfort and strength for her and her sons.  I know that God will help them weather the storm, but she needs all the extra comfort we can provide.

And guys.  Life is short.  This is what I've learned from this.  It can be over before you know.  Don't assume you have all the time in the world.  Tell the people you love what they mean to you.  Hug those you care for.  Touch the life of those around you.  You only have one shot at this thing called life, and it can be over in a flash.

Until we meet again, please do pray for this wonderful woman.

~Meaghan

Well, It's Over.

My semester, I mean.  Come on, guys.  What else would I be talking about here?

Anyway.   It's done.  Fall 2010 is over.  I had my finals today, which felt brutal.  Not gonna lie there.  I should probably try this thing called studying.  (No, I don't really study in the traditional sense; yes, I do manage to pass.  Somehow.  Don't hate me, k?  I listen well in class.)

I don't know how to feel.  In a way, I am soo glad this semester is over.  It was long, it was exhausting, it was full of stress and sweat and tears.  I was sick all the time.  I was tired most of the time.

But -

I loved this semester.  I think this was my favorite semester at school, just because I was able to be just...me.  I didn't hang with people who made me feel like I was out of place, I didn't work (at least, not after the third or fourth week of semester), I didn't have any obligations except to myself and to my family.  It was nice.

And the classes.  I loved the classes I took.  I finally realized this semester that I am a writer.  Discovering that was great.  I always knew I loved to write, but my Creative Writing class solidified it for me.  And I got to say "fuck" over 100 times in a page long paper for the class.  I got out of my comfort zone. I learned to write more in my own style, and watched my work improve by leaps and bounds.  My history class challenged me to go beyond my typical work.  It was interesting, fresh, and hard - something I needed to motivate myself.  My music class was boring at times, but through it I rediscovered my love of Beethovan and Tchaikovsky.  (I'm pretty sure I did not spell that right, but hang with me, folks.)

I met people.  I met a woman in my music class who not only knits like I do but who also does roller derby, which is my shoot-for-the-stars dream.  I met another woman in that class who's a single mom singing in a rock band.  I got to know the guy who sat in front of me in History and never had a dull moment after that.  The girl in History who I ate lunch with, the girl in writing who sometimes joined us, the other girl in writing who I can't imagine not being friends with.  It was incredible this semester. 

There were laughs, tears, giggles.  There were papers and tests and readings.  I read outloud a piece I wrote in front of a group last night for the first time.  I left my comfort zone behind me and I can't imagine going back now.  And I think I may have gotten over my fear of elevators.  Or at least had it lessen.

Of course, there are people I wish I had been able to get to know this semester.  Like the guy who sat in front of my friend and next to Hollister boy in History.  Or like the guy who sat behind me in Music.  Or even like the girl who sat in front of me in History.  And, of course, Hat Boy, who fell off the face of the earth, it seems.

But that's why there's next semester.  Things that are supposed to be happen.  Things that aren't leave their mark on our hearts and leave like bubbles - no use trying to grab them, just admire them as they go.

So, I am now on break for a month.  Or more.  I'm not really sure.

I plan on knitting like there is no tomorrow, practice my roller skating skills (or lack thereof), and maybe catching up on my reading.  Basically, I just want to take it easy. 

And tonight, it's bubble bath night and then sleep.  Cause as I said before, those tests were freaking brutal.

Until the next time, my readers.

~Meaghan