So much has happened the past few weeks. I'm honestly not sure where to begin. Some of it's not mine to tell.
What I've learned is that when it comes to things and people I care about, I'm stronger than I ever thought possible.
But I have so much on my mind. Thoughts about God, about pro life and pro choice, about life in general.
I practice a mixture of whatever comes my way. I believe in God, or Goddess, whichever. I think they're one and the same. I know that energy is real; I've felt it in my hands. I know prayer is powerful; that's why I pray every day, nearly all day at times. I read my Bible, I carry Goddess cards, and I light candles when I pray or need to calm down. I know color has an effect, as does smell, and I try to knit with colors that call to me. (Pink, anyone?)
I have always said I refuse to see the world as black and white. And I think now, I have just been introduced to yet another shade of gray. What if I'm wrong? What if...what if there is a hell, and what if there is heaven?
I could write what I'm feeling (confusion, emptiness, overwhelming everything) off as being stressed because of school and life. But I don't think that's the case. I think God is trying to reach me. Frankly, I'm incredibly resistant right now.
Why? Well, I know a lot of people who are Christians who really just annoy me. One of them has told me God is disappointed that I am intimate with my boyfriend and that the fact we're talking about living together before marriage is wrong. I've also been told that I'm probably going to hell (in nicer terms, mind you) because I don't unquestioningly follow Jesus.
I've always had questions, I've always had thirst. That's why I read whatever I can get my hands on about everything. I've explored other religions and myths and stories and faiths and whatever else. It's not like I don't believe in a higher power. I don't believe in chance and I don't believe things just happen. I don't believe we're alone on the Earth.
But it's so hard. My dad says I'm making it harder on myself and that I should really just relax and accept Grace. Maybe he's right. But I'm incredibly stubborn.
So maybe God's trying to reach me. And maybe I'm being resentful and denying it. And maybe I should stop.
My head is spinning right now.
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Showing posts with label god. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Blogging Madness and Optimism
Maybe I'm optimistic because I'm about to see my boyfriend next weekend. Or maybe I'm optimistic because I've cried all the bad, sad feelings out. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm optimistic because it's time to be.
Who knows? Who cares?
It's stormy outside with snow and rain and sleet, but my mood is oddly...content. I feel like I can finally see some sort of silverlining out there. Bout time too.
I've given up on the traditional God. I believe in God, I love God, I believe God loves me and has a plan for me (much like everyone else). But I am done confining God to a box called Religion. So I'm faithful and spiritual and religionless. If that makes sense. I feel I have a better relationship with the Devine now that I've kind of hit that point. It's...freeing.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do once I graduate. Will I go back for more classes? Will I get that full time job?
All I know is that whatever I do, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I want to be the best Meaghan that I can be. I don't need to be Elizabeth Zimmerman or T.S. Eliot or Sylvia Plath or Debbie Bliss. I don't need to be my classmates, my professors, or anyone else. I just need to be me.
Which is hard, because sometimes I really want to be elevated and great like my peers. But we all have our own strengths and I'm realizing it's time I start playing to mine instead of forcing them to be like others.
So yeah. I feel optimistic. I'm even sitting up straighter, for whatever that's worth. I'm reading books of poetry and meditations and techniques to free your creative juice from your inner critics. I'm learning to design better things, and I'm knitting like never before.
I'm even considering getting a shop on Etsy. If I do, I'll post a link so you can see and maybe buy what I have up.
I hope that you, my dear readers, are hitting that point of quiet optimism. It really is like breathing again.
~Meaghan
Who knows? Who cares?
It's stormy outside with snow and rain and sleet, but my mood is oddly...content. I feel like I can finally see some sort of silverlining out there. Bout time too.
I've given up on the traditional God. I believe in God, I love God, I believe God loves me and has a plan for me (much like everyone else). But I am done confining God to a box called Religion. So I'm faithful and spiritual and religionless. If that makes sense. I feel I have a better relationship with the Devine now that I've kind of hit that point. It's...freeing.
I'm still not sure what I'm going to do once I graduate. Will I go back for more classes? Will I get that full time job?
All I know is that whatever I do, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability. I want to be the best Meaghan that I can be. I don't need to be Elizabeth Zimmerman or T.S. Eliot or Sylvia Plath or Debbie Bliss. I don't need to be my classmates, my professors, or anyone else. I just need to be me.
Which is hard, because sometimes I really want to be elevated and great like my peers. But we all have our own strengths and I'm realizing it's time I start playing to mine instead of forcing them to be like others.
So yeah. I feel optimistic. I'm even sitting up straighter, for whatever that's worth. I'm reading books of poetry and meditations and techniques to free your creative juice from your inner critics. I'm learning to design better things, and I'm knitting like never before.
I'm even considering getting a shop on Etsy. If I do, I'll post a link so you can see and maybe buy what I have up.
I hope that you, my dear readers, are hitting that point of quiet optimism. It really is like breathing again.
~Meaghan
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Shades of Gray
I'm back in the throws of school. It's a good semester, but a busy one. I mean, I'm at school almost every day of the week right now. How did that happen?
I have come to the conclusion that Facebook is a terrible place for political poking. I post things with the idea of starting conversation on both sides; what happens instead is everyone gets so worked up over what they believe and over the topic that it becomes a posting war of sorts. It's like grown people have forgotten how to debate and articulate their ideas. You know, don't attack the people, attack the issues; listen to both sides and put out facts to back your claims.
I'm rather disappointed, actually.
A friend of mine brought up a good point, which is that if you don't read or research the opposition of your view point, you become an extremist. While the right side of issues typically has the reputation of being extremists, it also goes for the left. I realize there have been times where I've probably come across as a liberal extremist, and I apologize if that is the case cause that has never been my goal.
Rather, I write and post and read to start conversation. I think it's important that both parties and sides be able to have rational discussion about hot topics. If we don't, then we'll never find middle ground. I don't want the left side to be so sure they're right that they shoot down the right; I don't want the right to be so convinced that theirs is the only way that they refuse to look at the left.
It's like science. I was raised Christian. Growing up, I went to church and was taught all about God and Jesus and the Bible. But I was also encouraged to learn both about Creationsim and Darwinism through being homeschooled. The reason for this was so that I could formulate my own opinion - not the church opinion, not my parents' opinion, but my own opinion and beliefs.
I want that for the world. I want us to not be so comfortable in our own little bubbles that we forget there is more out there. I personally try to read everything that comes my way - world religions, fundamentalist things, liberal things. Heck, I've even read part of Hitler's book just so I could see what made him the way he was. Knowledge is not the enemy.
When you write a paper for college, you have a thesis. But in a really strong paper, you also have an anti thesis to show that you understand the flaws in your argument and that you understand the opposing view. Life is a lot like that. You can't back your own things unless you know what the other side thinks too.
It's okay to be passionate about things. I know I am. But it's also important to respect the opinions of those who differ from you, even if you don't agree with them. When I post things, I read all the feedback. I try to see where everyone is coming from.
Because isn't that what makes this country great? That you can have opinions and that you can voice them, but that you can also learn about everyone and everything else?
Just a thought.
~Meaghan
I have come to the conclusion that Facebook is a terrible place for political poking. I post things with the idea of starting conversation on both sides; what happens instead is everyone gets so worked up over what they believe and over the topic that it becomes a posting war of sorts. It's like grown people have forgotten how to debate and articulate their ideas. You know, don't attack the people, attack the issues; listen to both sides and put out facts to back your claims.
I'm rather disappointed, actually.
A friend of mine brought up a good point, which is that if you don't read or research the opposition of your view point, you become an extremist. While the right side of issues typically has the reputation of being extremists, it also goes for the left. I realize there have been times where I've probably come across as a liberal extremist, and I apologize if that is the case cause that has never been my goal.
Rather, I write and post and read to start conversation. I think it's important that both parties and sides be able to have rational discussion about hot topics. If we don't, then we'll never find middle ground. I don't want the left side to be so sure they're right that they shoot down the right; I don't want the right to be so convinced that theirs is the only way that they refuse to look at the left.
It's like science. I was raised Christian. Growing up, I went to church and was taught all about God and Jesus and the Bible. But I was also encouraged to learn both about Creationsim and Darwinism through being homeschooled. The reason for this was so that I could formulate my own opinion - not the church opinion, not my parents' opinion, but my own opinion and beliefs.
I want that for the world. I want us to not be so comfortable in our own little bubbles that we forget there is more out there. I personally try to read everything that comes my way - world religions, fundamentalist things, liberal things. Heck, I've even read part of Hitler's book just so I could see what made him the way he was. Knowledge is not the enemy.
When you write a paper for college, you have a thesis. But in a really strong paper, you also have an anti thesis to show that you understand the flaws in your argument and that you understand the opposing view. Life is a lot like that. You can't back your own things unless you know what the other side thinks too.
It's okay to be passionate about things. I know I am. But it's also important to respect the opinions of those who differ from you, even if you don't agree with them. When I post things, I read all the feedback. I try to see where everyone is coming from.
Because isn't that what makes this country great? That you can have opinions and that you can voice them, but that you can also learn about everyone and everything else?
Just a thought.
~Meaghan
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Why I'm Becoming so Opinionated
I want to voice something here - women's reproductive rights is always a heated topic. Why on earth should I even want to become a part of the argument? I used to always take a stand along the mindset of letting things work themselves out.
Not any more.
If we don't take a stand (we being any number of people - women, men, children, gays, transexuals, etc. - people in general, really) then we will fall.
Isn't that what life is about?
I am angry.
I am angry because so many people I know are stopped by a brick wall when approaching topics such as women's reproductive rights or gay rights.
They believe their God is against it. They believe that you are sinful if you commit those things. They believe that the only right way in life is the straight and narrow and that things like Planned Parenthood are going to blow that path into smitherines.
I understand that. Truly I do. I would never be able to take the life of a child inside me. I don't particulary want a gay marriage, as I'm happily involved with the man of my dreams. Their sanctity of their religion is their right - I do not oppose fundamentalists. I don't believe like that and probably never will, but I don't hate people who believe that way and I do respect their choices.
But I don't understand why they can't see beyond the scope of their faith.
That's what makes me angry.
And sad. And frustrated. And confused.
Why would God be so judgemental and narrow? Did He (or She) not create us all unique, knowing full well how we would turn out and what choices we were going to have to face? I don't get it.
If a woman gets pregnant and the egg gets fertilized in certain a way, that pregnancy can occur in the fallopian tube. It's called an ectopic pregnancy; according to Web M.D. it happens every one pregnancy out of fifty. This is not a good situation for the mother. The embryo has to be terminated in order to save the mother. According to the American Pregnancy site, there are three ways to do this: through medication that terminates, through surgery if the embryo has already ruptured whatever area it's in (which is awful for the mother as it screws her reproductive organs up), or through surgery removing the embryo manually.
But if abortion is banned and laws are passed the way congress wants to, that woman is going to die. No doctor is going to risk their license to save a woman when the procedure is labled as murder.
Reproductive rights don't start and stop with abortion, though. They also include birth control and contraception, and the right to say "yes" and "no".
Did you know, dear reader, that women in the Middle East are not allowed to control their sexual rights? They marry as young as eight and bare children as soon as their bodies are able. Their husbands are the ones who decide how many children they have, disregarding the wishes of the woman or the health of the woman. The same is in India. And in Mexico, although the women are starting to take control of their rights there.
Why are we going to do that here? Why is congress in the process of trying to create laws that will ban birth control and morning after pills?
Do you see my frustration?
I am not about to have a minority or a group of men or (forgive me if this offends you) God telling me when I can or can not have sex, who I can or can not have it with, how I can or can not protect myself, and how I will deal with my pregnancy when it occurs.
It is my body. It is my right. Just like I demand the right to attend school and to live on my own and to marry when I want, I demand the right to take care of my reproductive rights the way I see fit.
It's the same with gay rights. Why should a certain group of people be denied rights because a minority feels that they are living in sin? What will happen if one of those people in that minority has a child who is gay or lesbian or transgender? Are they going to stop loving their child?
If God made each of us by hand and knew each of us from birth, then wouldn't God know who was going to be gay and who wasn't because God made them that way? Maybe I'm washed up and maybe I'm wrong, but that really doesn't make sense to me. Everyone says God is like a parent; well, a parent still loves you and takes you home no matter what.
This is why I'm fed up with organized religion.
Please, dear readers (the one's who made it this far), think about it. I'm begging you. Think about it.
~Meaghan
Not any more.
If we don't take a stand (we being any number of people - women, men, children, gays, transexuals, etc. - people in general, really) then we will fall.
Isn't that what life is about?
I am angry.
I am angry because so many people I know are stopped by a brick wall when approaching topics such as women's reproductive rights or gay rights.
They believe their God is against it. They believe that you are sinful if you commit those things. They believe that the only right way in life is the straight and narrow and that things like Planned Parenthood are going to blow that path into smitherines.
I understand that. Truly I do. I would never be able to take the life of a child inside me. I don't particulary want a gay marriage, as I'm happily involved with the man of my dreams. Their sanctity of their religion is their right - I do not oppose fundamentalists. I don't believe like that and probably never will, but I don't hate people who believe that way and I do respect their choices.
But I don't understand why they can't see beyond the scope of their faith.
That's what makes me angry.
And sad. And frustrated. And confused.
Why would God be so judgemental and narrow? Did He (or She) not create us all unique, knowing full well how we would turn out and what choices we were going to have to face? I don't get it.
If a woman gets pregnant and the egg gets fertilized in certain a way, that pregnancy can occur in the fallopian tube. It's called an ectopic pregnancy; according to Web M.D. it happens every one pregnancy out of fifty. This is not a good situation for the mother. The embryo has to be terminated in order to save the mother. According to the American Pregnancy site, there are three ways to do this: through medication that terminates, through surgery if the embryo has already ruptured whatever area it's in (which is awful for the mother as it screws her reproductive organs up), or through surgery removing the embryo manually.
But if abortion is banned and laws are passed the way congress wants to, that woman is going to die. No doctor is going to risk their license to save a woman when the procedure is labled as murder.
Reproductive rights don't start and stop with abortion, though. They also include birth control and contraception, and the right to say "yes" and "no".
Did you know, dear reader, that women in the Middle East are not allowed to control their sexual rights? They marry as young as eight and bare children as soon as their bodies are able. Their husbands are the ones who decide how many children they have, disregarding the wishes of the woman or the health of the woman. The same is in India. And in Mexico, although the women are starting to take control of their rights there.
Why are we going to do that here? Why is congress in the process of trying to create laws that will ban birth control and morning after pills?
Do you see my frustration?
I am not about to have a minority or a group of men or (forgive me if this offends you) God telling me when I can or can not have sex, who I can or can not have it with, how I can or can not protect myself, and how I will deal with my pregnancy when it occurs.
It is my body. It is my right. Just like I demand the right to attend school and to live on my own and to marry when I want, I demand the right to take care of my reproductive rights the way I see fit.
It's the same with gay rights. Why should a certain group of people be denied rights because a minority feels that they are living in sin? What will happen if one of those people in that minority has a child who is gay or lesbian or transgender? Are they going to stop loving their child?
If God made each of us by hand and knew each of us from birth, then wouldn't God know who was going to be gay and who wasn't because God made them that way? Maybe I'm washed up and maybe I'm wrong, but that really doesn't make sense to me. Everyone says God is like a parent; well, a parent still loves you and takes you home no matter what.
This is why I'm fed up with organized religion.
Please, dear readers (the one's who made it this far), think about it. I'm begging you. Think about it.
~Meaghan
Saturday, July 9, 2011
The Meaning of Love.
What is love?
It's a question that human kind has asked since the beginning of time. What is it? What does it mean to love someone? To be loved in return?
What is the essence of romantic love?
It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. And I do mean a lot. I had always thought I had known what love was. It wasn't until I met my boyfriend - and fell heart first into it myself- that I realized I did, but what I knew didn't even begin to scratch the surface of what it means to love and be loved. Allow me to share.
We live in a society that is incredibly self centered and focused on material things. Everything has a stipulation on it: if you love someone, you'll spend enormous amounts of money on them or do certain physical acts with them to show it. If you want love, you have to be willing to sacrifice something for it.
And while some of that might be true (love takes work of some sort, which is not always easy all the time), maybe we're over complicating it. I mean, love is a lot simpler than that. It's not about candy and flowers and looks. It's not about being the best. It's not based on winning or losing or playing games.
The Bible has the purest definition of it, actually. 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4 through 8 reads:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
This is actually a verse that I read a lot. When I was single, it gave me something to strive for. I wanted to know the love like this. I knew God's love was like that, but I wanted a man to love me like it too. Now that I have him, I see it a little differently. Still good, still beautiful, but different.
So where do my views of love interesect with this beautiful passage? Allow me to take it apart and show you. (And please note, I'm not a Biblical scholar by any means; this is just how I apply the Bible to my life.)
"Love is patient, love is kind."
If you want to be loved, and if you want to love, you need to be patient. Again, we live in a society where everything is nearly instantaneous; it can't be that way with love. You have to be willing to wait. Same with kindness. The more kindness and caring you send into the world, the more kindness and caring will be returned to you. If you want it, you have to be able to give it first.
"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Envy and pride will only eat at you and set you up for failure down the road. Boasting and telling the world how great you are shows others that you are self-centered and egotistical. Granted, there are times when it's appropriate to be proud of yourself, but not to an extent that causes everyone else to feel bad. When I read this part, I think of love as quietly entering the room, unannounced. (Which, for the record, it often is. It was for me. =D)
"It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
I fully believe that when you love someone, you will overlook their faults. The things you thought you couldn't live with suddenly become less important. Every mistake means nothing as long as they are still in your life. You don't look to improve or promote yourself, but you try everything in your power to make sure the one you love is safe, taken care of, and shines.
"Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth."
Even if the truth hurts, it's better than a deceptive lie. And with love, you learn to appreciate that honesty. It helps your relationship mature, grow, and deepen. The comfort needed to share even painful truths is a truly monumental thing.
"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
It offers safe haven like a parent, trusts even in the impossible like a child, hopes for a brighter tomorrow like a dreamer, and will carry on no matter how rocky the road becomes just like the Energizer Bunny. It's so true. Love - romantic or not - will encompas every aspect of life and growth and emotion.
"Love never fails."
This is a little trickier. With so many divorce rates and whatnot, you would think this can't be true. But think about it. Even if you haven't seen a good friend in years, you still love them. Even if you haven't spoken with a parent since you were a kid, a part of you still has some sort of love for them. It never fails, it never goes away. And if you truly love something or someone, nothing will be able to stop you.
So how do I know I'm in love?
Because I can't go a day without thinking about or talking to my boyfriend. Because I'm sticking with a scarf project that I would normally have stopped already until I finish it. Because he makes me, a lazy slob when it comes to cleaning, vacuum and take out the trash willingly in preparation for his arrival.
Because I can't live a single day without him, and I know it. He makes me feel safe, he makes me hope for tomorrow, he makes me willingly trust, and he makes me want to continue moving forward more so than before.
That's love. And that's where I am.
I hope you guys can find it, too. And even if you can't find it in another, I hope you can find it in God. It really is amazing.
~Meaghan
It's a question that human kind has asked since the beginning of time. What is it? What does it mean to love someone? To be loved in return?
What is the essence of romantic love?
It's something I've been thinking a lot about lately. And I do mean a lot. I had always thought I had known what love was. It wasn't until I met my boyfriend - and fell heart first into it myself- that I realized I did, but what I knew didn't even begin to scratch the surface of what it means to love and be loved. Allow me to share.
We live in a society that is incredibly self centered and focused on material things. Everything has a stipulation on it: if you love someone, you'll spend enormous amounts of money on them or do certain physical acts with them to show it. If you want love, you have to be willing to sacrifice something for it.
And while some of that might be true (love takes work of some sort, which is not always easy all the time), maybe we're over complicating it. I mean, love is a lot simpler than that. It's not about candy and flowers and looks. It's not about being the best. It's not based on winning or losing or playing games.
The Bible has the purest definition of it, actually. 1 Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4 through 8 reads:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
This is actually a verse that I read a lot. When I was single, it gave me something to strive for. I wanted to know the love like this. I knew God's love was like that, but I wanted a man to love me like it too. Now that I have him, I see it a little differently. Still good, still beautiful, but different.
So where do my views of love interesect with this beautiful passage? Allow me to take it apart and show you. (And please note, I'm not a Biblical scholar by any means; this is just how I apply the Bible to my life.)
"Love is patient, love is kind."
If you want to be loved, and if you want to love, you need to be patient. Again, we live in a society where everything is nearly instantaneous; it can't be that way with love. You have to be willing to wait. Same with kindness. The more kindness and caring you send into the world, the more kindness and caring will be returned to you. If you want it, you have to be able to give it first.
"It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Envy and pride will only eat at you and set you up for failure down the road. Boasting and telling the world how great you are shows others that you are self-centered and egotistical. Granted, there are times when it's appropriate to be proud of yourself, but not to an extent that causes everyone else to feel bad. When I read this part, I think of love as quietly entering the room, unannounced. (Which, for the record, it often is. It was for me. =D)
"It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."
I fully believe that when you love someone, you will overlook their faults. The things you thought you couldn't live with suddenly become less important. Every mistake means nothing as long as they are still in your life. You don't look to improve or promote yourself, but you try everything in your power to make sure the one you love is safe, taken care of, and shines.
"Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with truth."
Even if the truth hurts, it's better than a deceptive lie. And with love, you learn to appreciate that honesty. It helps your relationship mature, grow, and deepen. The comfort needed to share even painful truths is a truly monumental thing.
"It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
It offers safe haven like a parent, trusts even in the impossible like a child, hopes for a brighter tomorrow like a dreamer, and will carry on no matter how rocky the road becomes just like the Energizer Bunny. It's so true. Love - romantic or not - will encompas every aspect of life and growth and emotion.
"Love never fails."
This is a little trickier. With so many divorce rates and whatnot, you would think this can't be true. But think about it. Even if you haven't seen a good friend in years, you still love them. Even if you haven't spoken with a parent since you were a kid, a part of you still has some sort of love for them. It never fails, it never goes away. And if you truly love something or someone, nothing will be able to stop you.
So how do I know I'm in love?
Because I can't go a day without thinking about or talking to my boyfriend. Because I'm sticking with a scarf project that I would normally have stopped already until I finish it. Because he makes me, a lazy slob when it comes to cleaning, vacuum and take out the trash willingly in preparation for his arrival.
Because I can't live a single day without him, and I know it. He makes me feel safe, he makes me hope for tomorrow, he makes me willingly trust, and he makes me want to continue moving forward more so than before.
That's love. And that's where I am.
I hope you guys can find it, too. And even if you can't find it in another, I hope you can find it in God. It really is amazing.
~Meaghan
Sunday, January 23, 2011
The Sunday Update Edition
I feel like an editor, putting that title on this post. Ah well; I may be one soon enough.
So far, the dog is doing better. I am so relieved you honestly have no idea. She ate her food last night. She went to the bathroom this morning. She's acting more and more like herself. I am so thankful. She's going to stay alive.
I feel like I'm slowly but surely conquering the fears in my life. I rode the elevator at school on Thursday - by myself, I must add - more than once. I am using the garbage disposal with less paranoia. (I'm going to end up writing a short story about my fear of the garabage disposal, I just know it...) Walking by myself is getting less intimidating. Sitting by myself at school is slowly getting more comfortable.
And I'm not afraid that the dog is going to die before the owner gets home.
I am still freaked out by the dark, spiders, drowning, etc. It's a process. We're getting there.
Last night I had this dream where I was out with my mom, my sister, and my friend Cathryn. We were shopping for wedding dresses. And not just any wedding dress, guys. We were shopping for MY wedding dress. I tried one on and it was perfect; everyone started crying, myself included.
I hardly ever dream about weddings. It's an even rarer occasion for me to dream about my own. I think I've had maybe one other dream about my wedding, and that was due to stress years ago. I mean, I woke up from that dream feeling stressed, too. Not good. (I got sick shortly after, if I remember correctly...)
This one was different. I don't remember what the dress looked like. I know that it fit perfectly. I was shopping with the people who matter to me, for something that mattered. And when I woke up, I felt hopeful.
Let me repeat that. I felt hopeful.
It's a rare occasion that a dream makes me feel hopeful. Normally I'm either freaking out because it was a nightmare or a stress dream, or I'm laughing because it was just plain weird. Sometimes I'm even contemplative when I wake up.
But I feel full of hope today. I think, as odd as this may sound, that maybe this was God's way of telling me to not give up on the opposite gender. Because, if I'm being honest with myself, I was about to.
Now, I feel like I have simple directions to follow. Do my thing, God will do the rest. And most of all, keep my head up.
Between this and the fact that I'm getting over my fears a little at a time, I feel like it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. Life is going to be ok.
And the sun is shining today. What more could I ask for?
Until the next time, my dear readers,
~Meaghan
So far, the dog is doing better. I am so relieved you honestly have no idea. She ate her food last night. She went to the bathroom this morning. She's acting more and more like herself. I am so thankful. She's going to stay alive.
I feel like I'm slowly but surely conquering the fears in my life. I rode the elevator at school on Thursday - by myself, I must add - more than once. I am using the garbage disposal with less paranoia. (I'm going to end up writing a short story about my fear of the garabage disposal, I just know it...) Walking by myself is getting less intimidating. Sitting by myself at school is slowly getting more comfortable.
And I'm not afraid that the dog is going to die before the owner gets home.
I am still freaked out by the dark, spiders, drowning, etc. It's a process. We're getting there.
Last night I had this dream where I was out with my mom, my sister, and my friend Cathryn. We were shopping for wedding dresses. And not just any wedding dress, guys. We were shopping for MY wedding dress. I tried one on and it was perfect; everyone started crying, myself included.
I hardly ever dream about weddings. It's an even rarer occasion for me to dream about my own. I think I've had maybe one other dream about my wedding, and that was due to stress years ago. I mean, I woke up from that dream feeling stressed, too. Not good. (I got sick shortly after, if I remember correctly...)
This one was different. I don't remember what the dress looked like. I know that it fit perfectly. I was shopping with the people who matter to me, for something that mattered. And when I woke up, I felt hopeful.
Let me repeat that. I felt hopeful.
It's a rare occasion that a dream makes me feel hopeful. Normally I'm either freaking out because it was a nightmare or a stress dream, or I'm laughing because it was just plain weird. Sometimes I'm even contemplative when I wake up.
But I feel full of hope today. I think, as odd as this may sound, that maybe this was God's way of telling me to not give up on the opposite gender. Because, if I'm being honest with myself, I was about to.
Now, I feel like I have simple directions to follow. Do my thing, God will do the rest. And most of all, keep my head up.
Between this and the fact that I'm getting over my fears a little at a time, I feel like it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. Life is going to be ok.
And the sun is shining today. What more could I ask for?
Until the next time, my dear readers,
~Meaghan
Friday, December 31, 2010
New Years Eve
Time to make some New Years Resolutions.
Normally, I'm not one for resolutions. I typically think they are pointless and a waste of time and effort. I mean, come on. How many of your resolutions do you actually keep? I think it takes more energy to make resolutions and then try to keep track of them than it does to just live life.
But this year is different.
2011 is going to be my year. There are three things I want to do this year, three things I am striving toward. And I'm going to do my best to do them.
The first goal is to reflect God more clearly in my life. I realized the past two weeks that I want to be a Godly woman, not a woman of the world. (Read Proverbs 31 - it gives you an idea of where I'm going with this.) I want to be the kind of woman who trusts more than she worries, who loves more than she holds grudges, who is kind to everyone. I want to reflect God. I can not help but think that it will make me feel better and make life seem sunnier. I do not want to be worldly.
Which brings me to goal number two: No More Conforming. I'm the kind of person who tries to please everyone, and in doing so, I lose who I really am. No more. I do not need to please everyone. I do not need everyone to like me. I am going to instead be myself 24-7. If people can not accept me for who I am, then I do not need them in my life. I am going to be me: dorky, funny, odd, talkative, studious, etc. All the things that some people have tried to change in me; all the things that I find myself changing for others. This is my year to just be.
And finally, I want to run a half marathon. I am kind of overweight and I want to lose that extra poundage. It's not even from a vanity point of view; I actually am ok with how I look. It's for health reasons. I don't want to get the diabetes and heart problems and whatever else is lurking on both sides of my family tree. I want to be healthy so I can live a long time.
Why a half marathon? Because I was inspired by the Biggest Loser and by two of my friends who both do marathons. I am inspired to run, to power walk, to become active. And if I don't do the half marathon this fall (because training is intense and I'm really out of shape), then I will do it in the spring. I just want to accomplish something. So I start training today. I'm getting on a treadmill and I'm going to work my way up to running. I'll feel better, and I know it.
So there you have it. My three New Year goals. Now it's your turn. Are you going to do anything? Why are you doing it?
Have a brilliant New Year eve, my readers, and I will see you on the other side.
~Meaghan
Normally, I'm not one for resolutions. I typically think they are pointless and a waste of time and effort. I mean, come on. How many of your resolutions do you actually keep? I think it takes more energy to make resolutions and then try to keep track of them than it does to just live life.
But this year is different.
2011 is going to be my year. There are three things I want to do this year, three things I am striving toward. And I'm going to do my best to do them.
The first goal is to reflect God more clearly in my life. I realized the past two weeks that I want to be a Godly woman, not a woman of the world. (Read Proverbs 31 - it gives you an idea of where I'm going with this.) I want to be the kind of woman who trusts more than she worries, who loves more than she holds grudges, who is kind to everyone. I want to reflect God. I can not help but think that it will make me feel better and make life seem sunnier. I do not want to be worldly.
Which brings me to goal number two: No More Conforming. I'm the kind of person who tries to please everyone, and in doing so, I lose who I really am. No more. I do not need to please everyone. I do not need everyone to like me. I am going to instead be myself 24-7. If people can not accept me for who I am, then I do not need them in my life. I am going to be me: dorky, funny, odd, talkative, studious, etc. All the things that some people have tried to change in me; all the things that I find myself changing for others. This is my year to just be.
And finally, I want to run a half marathon. I am kind of overweight and I want to lose that extra poundage. It's not even from a vanity point of view; I actually am ok with how I look. It's for health reasons. I don't want to get the diabetes and heart problems and whatever else is lurking on both sides of my family tree. I want to be healthy so I can live a long time.
Why a half marathon? Because I was inspired by the Biggest Loser and by two of my friends who both do marathons. I am inspired to run, to power walk, to become active. And if I don't do the half marathon this fall (because training is intense and I'm really out of shape), then I will do it in the spring. I just want to accomplish something. So I start training today. I'm getting on a treadmill and I'm going to work my way up to running. I'll feel better, and I know it.
So there you have it. My three New Year goals. Now it's your turn. Are you going to do anything? Why are you doing it?
Have a brilliant New Year eve, my readers, and I will see you on the other side.
~Meaghan
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Lessons Learned Through Stuffed Animals
So I'm making stuffed animals for Christmas presents this year. They are a blast to make: I knit them, then stuff them, then put features on them like eyes and noses. Anyway, they are great.
And what I've noticed is that even when I don't make them perfectly, I still absolutely love each and every one of them. I love the flaws and the effort that I put into making them. I love the yarn, the stuffing, all of it.
Basically, because I made them. That's why I love them. No one else made them; even though I followed a basic pattern, each one is uniquely mine.
I think this must be how God is. I never could understand how God could love everyone so much, especially since we all have so many flaws in us. (I know for fact that I am a bucket of crazy myself, lol...) But now it almost makes sense to me.
God loves us because He made us. He followed a basic pattern and each one of us came out a little (or a lot) differently. And just like I love the stuffed animals I make, flaws and all, God must be the same way.
If that makes any sense. It made sense to me, but I don't always make sense elsewhere....
On a different note, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I have a ton to be thankful for and have started a small list in my head: being on break, bring my grades back up to where they should be (by my standards), a roof over my head, a family who loves me even though I sometimes feel like I can't do anything right, the ability to write and to express myself without censorship, yarn, friends, etc.
And turkey. Yay for turkey. =D
So anyway, be thankful this holiday season. It's good for you. Stop complaining, cause no one wants to hear it.
With that being said, I'm leaving now to finish gifts. Happy Thanksgiving, folks.
~Meaghan
And what I've noticed is that even when I don't make them perfectly, I still absolutely love each and every one of them. I love the flaws and the effort that I put into making them. I love the yarn, the stuffing, all of it.
Basically, because I made them. That's why I love them. No one else made them; even though I followed a basic pattern, each one is uniquely mine.
I think this must be how God is. I never could understand how God could love everyone so much, especially since we all have so many flaws in us. (I know for fact that I am a bucket of crazy myself, lol...) But now it almost makes sense to me.
God loves us because He made us. He followed a basic pattern and each one of us came out a little (or a lot) differently. And just like I love the stuffed animals I make, flaws and all, God must be the same way.
If that makes any sense. It made sense to me, but I don't always make sense elsewhere....
On a different note, Thanksgiving is tomorrow. I have a ton to be thankful for and have started a small list in my head: being on break, bring my grades back up to where they should be (by my standards), a roof over my head, a family who loves me even though I sometimes feel like I can't do anything right, the ability to write and to express myself without censorship, yarn, friends, etc.
And turkey. Yay for turkey. =D
So anyway, be thankful this holiday season. It's good for you. Stop complaining, cause no one wants to hear it.
With that being said, I'm leaving now to finish gifts. Happy Thanksgiving, folks.
~Meaghan
Saturday, December 20, 2008
And every breath takes us closer...
Has anyone else thought about it? The irony of breathing - it's like you take in death even as you take in life. Everytime you breathe, you get closer and closer to the end. Our breaths, like our days and hours and minutes and seconds and moments, are all limited; they will not go on forever.
So why am I thinking this now? I'm not actually sure, to be totally honest. This sort of thinking really freaks the people around me out, as they are all afraid I am going to start retracing my steps and falling back into my old habits. I can assure you that while I have had a little bit of trouble getting out of my head this week, ultimately I am not going to do anything. I feel I must say that or else I'm going to get a dozen and one comments on my Facebook page as well as my blogger page about it. Relax, everyone - I am a big girl, I can handle stuff.
Anyway, I got to thinking about how everything is fleeting and time is short and it brings around a ton of questions. Is there really something after this life or is this all we have? Are the ripples I'm leaving throughout my lifetime worth anything or are they causing more grief than help? And why is life so confusing? I mean, I'm only 18 but I still seriously can't stop thinking about the course I'm on and wondering if it's right.
I'm pretty sure I believe in God. I mean, I was raised in the church and I am very active in the music programs there, but sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I think it's almost too good to be true, that it's like a fairytale. I do like the concept of having someone or something that's always there and that can take us for who we are unconditionally, but everything in this day and age has a price tag on it. I think that's part of what is hard for me to accept about grace and whatnot - the concept of something for nothing.
Or maybe I'm just seriously too much of a take charge person. The other day my mom told be to stop trying to control everything and to actually act my age for once instead of as a mom. It's the same basic thing she's been telling me off and on since I was tweleve. It's just so hard for me to let go and not be the responsible one. I remember in sixth grade one of my best friends telling me that when we all got old enough to party, I was going to be the designated driver. Of course I moved a few years later so it has yet to come about, but come on. The thing about God is that you have to let go to let Him (or Her, cause it could be either) help. I just can't let go.
So I think that this holiday season, I'm going to be doing a lot of searching, both personal and spiritual. I'm going to college next fall, so I guess that means I should probably be really secure in myself (I put on a good front, but don't let it fool you - there is a reason I do some of the things I do); this is a good time to do it.
Breathe in. Hold....10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breath out. One breath closer. One breath farther.
But to what?
So why am I thinking this now? I'm not actually sure, to be totally honest. This sort of thinking really freaks the people around me out, as they are all afraid I am going to start retracing my steps and falling back into my old habits. I can assure you that while I have had a little bit of trouble getting out of my head this week, ultimately I am not going to do anything. I feel I must say that or else I'm going to get a dozen and one comments on my Facebook page as well as my blogger page about it. Relax, everyone - I am a big girl, I can handle stuff.
Anyway, I got to thinking about how everything is fleeting and time is short and it brings around a ton of questions. Is there really something after this life or is this all we have? Are the ripples I'm leaving throughout my lifetime worth anything or are they causing more grief than help? And why is life so confusing? I mean, I'm only 18 but I still seriously can't stop thinking about the course I'm on and wondering if it's right.
I'm pretty sure I believe in God. I mean, I was raised in the church and I am very active in the music programs there, but sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I think it's almost too good to be true, that it's like a fairytale. I do like the concept of having someone or something that's always there and that can take us for who we are unconditionally, but everything in this day and age has a price tag on it. I think that's part of what is hard for me to accept about grace and whatnot - the concept of something for nothing.
Or maybe I'm just seriously too much of a take charge person. The other day my mom told be to stop trying to control everything and to actually act my age for once instead of as a mom. It's the same basic thing she's been telling me off and on since I was tweleve. It's just so hard for me to let go and not be the responsible one. I remember in sixth grade one of my best friends telling me that when we all got old enough to party, I was going to be the designated driver. Of course I moved a few years later so it has yet to come about, but come on. The thing about God is that you have to let go to let Him (or Her, cause it could be either) help. I just can't let go.
So I think that this holiday season, I'm going to be doing a lot of searching, both personal and spiritual. I'm going to college next fall, so I guess that means I should probably be really secure in myself (I put on a good front, but don't let it fool you - there is a reason I do some of the things I do); this is a good time to do it.
Breathe in. Hold....10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breath out. One breath closer. One breath farther.
But to what?
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