The Perils of Passing Out Samples

Hello, dear readers.

As you may or may not know, I work on the weekends passing out samples in the grocery store.  It's a fun job most of the time.  I get to talk to people, try new products (what's that?  Oh, a new soda?  Sure, I'll try it..), and make a pretty easy paycheck.

But it's not always fun or easy.  There are a handful of things that can really throw it off.  And so, I created a list:

1. Rude Customers
  
 It's like they expect me to bend over backwards for them.  They're the people who come up to the table and cut in front of everyone, grabbing without stopping.  FYI, due to health code, I have to hand the samples over.  If you grab one out of hand, not only are you showing a lack of respect for me and my position, but you're putting my health license in danger.  Not cool.  And seriously.  If you're going to get a sample, put the cell phone down.

2. Ill Behaved Children
 
 I'm not allowed to pass samples out to anyone under 13 without a parent present.  I did not create the rules, I only follow them.  That being said, when your kid comes up to the table while you're too busy looking at shredded cheese and takes five of one thing before I can stop them, it's really not cool.  And if you're the parent of the kid and you don't even have the courtesy of coming by and at least taking a coupon after that, then you aren't any better.  (You know who you are, and I'm watching you.)

3. Cranky Employees

 Yeah, it happens.  I had one case where I started to set up (where I was told to) and the manager came over, ripped my table cloth off my table and told me that I wasn't in the right place.  Totally disrespectful.  Plus you get cranky managers on the phone who make it sound like you're putting them out when you do the pre-call on Monday for a demo on Saturday.  It's not that I mean to make anyone's life harder; honestly, I sell product for them.  So, if you're a store employee, be nice to me.  Cause it's no skin off my nose if I don't actively make an effort to sell you out.

There you have it.  The trio of people that make my job hell.  I stand there for five to six hours, waiting to greet you with a smile.  The least you can do is be kind back.

So next time you're in the grocery store and see a sample person, my dear readers, at least smile and say hi.  It's the least you can do. =)

~Meaghan

Hellooooo, Whirlwind.

Hey blog world! 

Long time no see, huh?  It's been complete madness and I finally feel like I can talk about it all.

1. Graduation

 This feels pretty self descriptive.  My boyfriend and I both walked last Saturday at the ceremony for our community college.  It was exhaustive and amazing, and my parents both cried.  (I may have too...)  It feels insanely weird being a graduated college student - with honors, I might add - and not having to do anymore homework.  I've had a lot of people tell me I should go on and get a BA, but I don't think that's what I want to do right now. 

It's not that I hate school, it's just that I'm done with it for a while.  Besides.  If I went to a four year school, I probably wouldn't go into English.  It was fun and I am very happy I got my AA with writing, but I think I want to pursue other things.  Like knitting.  And the environment.  And science.

2. Anniversary

My boyfriend and I also recently celebrated our one year anniversary.  It has been a crazy rollercoaster ride filled with fun and stress - both from inside and from outside sources (who tells their son to find a better girl because her family is broke?)-, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I can't imagine being with another man.  He's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but that's what makes it so amazing - the perfection in the imperfection.

Honestly, we almost broke it off a few months ago.  He was having a hard time and the distance wasn't helping.  But we pulled through and I'm so glad we did.  :)

3. Couch

This is where it gets even more personal, so if you don't want to hear it my readers, turn away now.

My boyfriend has broken ties with his father's family and is living on my couch for the summer.  Honestly, I think it was probably one of the best things he could have done.  (I'm just saying this, either, even though I've always known his dad didn't like me.  There was a lot of emotional strain, control, and verbal abuse going on.  My man contemplated suicide.  It was baaaad.)

Having him on my couch is kind of fun though.  He fits in with my family perfectly.  We all care about him deeply.  Which isn't to say his family doesn't, just in a different way.

(I think the saddest part is that his dad has no idea that I'm wearing his son's promise ring.  And he'll probably never know. :( )

4. Food

Yup, it's a wheat allergy.  Awesomeness. 

It's great going to places and being that person who always has to ask what's in everything.  But on the bright side, I feel better than I have in ages.

5. Knitting

~Green Cardigan - done
~Katie's b-day gift - nearly done
~Purple top - started
~Blanket for my love - buying the yarn today
~Red shawl - done

6. Jobs

I've had one interview so far at Bath and Body Works, but no call back.  I called Tuesday and was told I'd get a call yesterday; nothing.  I'm taking this as a sign to keep looking.

I figure, God knows where I should be.  Right?

I think that sums everything up.  I apologize if I was too personal, but I've been holding this stuff in for a while.  It feels  nice to let it out.

I hope everything is going well for you, dear readers.  :)  Enjoy your wonderful weekend.

~Meaghan

Blogging Madness and Optimism

Maybe I'm optimistic because I'm about to see my boyfriend next weekend.  Or maybe I'm optimistic because I've cried all the bad, sad feelings out.  Or maybe, just maybe, I'm optimistic because it's time to be.

Who knows?  Who cares?

It's stormy outside with snow and rain and sleet, but my mood is oddly...content.  I feel like I can finally see some sort of silverlining out there.  Bout time too.

I've given up on the traditional God.  I believe in God, I love God, I believe God loves me and has a plan for me (much like everyone else).  But I am done confining God to a box called Religion.  So I'm faithful and spiritual and religionless.  If that makes sense.  I feel I have a better relationship with the Devine now that I've kind of hit that point.  It's...freeing.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do once I graduate.  Will I go back for more classes?  Will I get that full time job?

All I know is that whatever I do, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability.  I want to be the best Meaghan that I can be.  I don't need to be Elizabeth Zimmerman or T.S. Eliot or Sylvia Plath or Debbie Bliss.  I don't need to be my classmates, my professors, or anyone else.  I just need to be me.

Which is hard, because sometimes I really want to be elevated and great like my peers.  But we all have our own strengths and I'm realizing it's time I start playing to mine instead of forcing them to be like others.

So yeah.  I feel optimistic.  I'm even sitting up straighter, for whatever that's worth.  I'm reading books of poetry and meditations and techniques to free your creative juice from your inner critics.  I'm learning to design better things, and I'm knitting like never before. 

I'm even considering getting a shop on Etsy.  If I do, I'll post a link so you can see and maybe buy what I have up.

I hope that you, my dear readers, are hitting that point of quiet optimism.  It really is like breathing again.

~Meaghan

May the 4th Be With You.

Happy Star Wars day, my fellow nerdy readers!

It's a beautiful day here.  The sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, and my homework is nearly done for the entire semester.  Then the fun of summer can begin.

I finally have a job interview.  It's over at Macy's.  I'm pretty excited.  Provided they don't work me to death, I think it can be a fun job.  Plus, they have the cutest clothes and I might be able to get a discount, which is nice.  We'll see how it goes; I'll keep everyone posted.

Tomorrow is my last day of school for the semester.  Provided I don't screw up between now and then, I'm going to have my 4.0 again.  This makes me immensely happy.

And now I get to go finish up what I have left.  Afterwards, I plan on knitting until my fingers fall off and reading until my eyes blur.  Because that sounds like a plan to me.

Welcome, summer.  Welcome. =D

~Meaghan

Friday, Friday, Friday.

It's Friday alright.  Yay for the weekend.

The day started off completely beautiful.  It was sunny, warm, breezy.  Basically, the way spring is SUPPOSED to be.  And now it's overcast and colder, with the promise of snow on the horizon.  I wouldn't mind getting rain, but the snow end of it is not sitting too well with me right now.

I didn't really do anything productive today.  I'm about to fill out two or three job applications for places I haven't applied to yet. 

One of those is Krispy Kreme doughnuts. 

The part about it that's making me hesitate are the hours.  I used to have to get up at three and four in the morning to go to bagel hell.  The smell of bagels that early made me sick.  Add to it that I'm not a morning person at all.  I mean, I can do 7am and later.  And I get up at 6 for school anyway, so my body's pretty accustomed to that.  But no earlier than that.

Plus, it is food service again.

I'm going to apply for more retail and use it as a last resort, I think.  Along with Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart is a last resort, too.

And on that note, I'm going to go fill out more generic forms.

~Meaghan

Even More Job Applications.

I'm trying to broaden where I apply to.  This morning I applied to King Soopers, Old Navy, and Staples.  I have a list made up of where I've applied and where I want to send more applications to.  So far, I've applied to over seven different companies.  I have about nine more places that I'm planning on applying to.

Someone's bound to call me in the next few weeks.

It amuses me how similar all the applications are.  Gender - female.  Race - white.  Age - twenty.  Do you have a criminal history - no.  Have you ever been terminated - no.  Blah blah blah, fine print - I agree.  Will you consent to having a drug test done - yes.  Will you consent to a background check - yes.

On and on and on.

And then you have these questionaire survey things where they test your personality.  You like being in a large crowd - agree.  You like working with people - agree. 

Etc, etc, etc.

Fun times. 

It's making me think I should just suck it up and go to Metro after I graduate to get a teaching degree.  But then again, the teaching market is saturated as well.  I think the job market on a whole is saturated like a sponge with water is dripping out of it.

Mmkay, happy thought time cause this is stressing me out.

School is almost done.  I have mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I'm thrilled that classes are going to be out for the summer.  But on the other, I'm at that point where I have great friends again and I'm going to miss seeing them on a regular basis.

Provided I get a job, I'll be working this summer, so that'll be good.  And even with working, I'll still be able to see my friends.  And I'll be able to catch up on all my knitting and reading and writing that I've had to put off because of school...

I'm really looking forward to warm weather.  I think this is the first time I'm truly happy about summer.  So many good things are coming about.  I turn 21.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2 comes out on my b-day, which is cool; one of my friends has invited me to go to the midnight showing with him, which I'm really looking forward to.  I'm actually losing weight so that I can feel less self-concious in a swimsuit, so swimming will be fun.  Dog sitting, riding my bike, learning to roller skate better, and hanging out with friends and family is how I'm planning on spending my days.

It is going to be awesome.

And I'm actually healthy for once, too.  I feel balanced both mentally and emotionally.  That has never really happened before.  I feel like I can take on the world again.  I have a really good support system, I'm surrounded by people who actually like me for ME and who I can be myself around, and I'm feeling like things can't really get any better.

 Plus, my views on dating are starting to change, which is strange.  For the longest time, I was completely turned off of it.  You know how it is - one too many guys who are shallow and insensitive jerks.  But now I think I'm starting to consider the idea as something that's not bad but rather good.  Maybe.  I kind of wonder if that means I'm growing up some.

And tomorrow my poem is released to the general public.  I'm rather proud of myself here.  Now, whenever I feel like my writing is complete crap (which happens to all writers), I can look at the school magazine and remember that I wrote something worth publishing. =)

Now, off to finish the chapter for tomorrow and to fill out more applications.

~Meaghan

It's 7:35 in the Morning...

...and I'm blogging.   Big surprise there.

Ideally, I'd like to be back in bed, staring aimlessly at my ceiling like I have been for the past two days.  But no such luck.  Katie and I have to be at bell rehersal this morning to prep for the Easter services tomorrow.  I have no idea what I'm doing the rest of the day.  I'd like to say homework, but chances are I'll end up watching movies on my computer or reading something.

Maybe I'll finish the hat I started two weeks ago that I've been procrastinating on.

Tomorrow is Easter.  It blows my mind.  Where did my year go? 

I only have two weeks of school left.  Again, mind blowing.  I'm actually at a point where I like school again; I'm not sure I'm ready for it to end.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I'm ready for school itself to end, I'm just not ready to stop seeing my friends on a regular basis. 

I still don't have a summer job lined up.  I'm actually starting to get sweaty palms now when I think about it.  I mean, if I don't get a job, I can bum around the whole summer.  But I've also nearly wiped out my savings and I really do need to get tuition and expense money together before fall. 

(That's the deal, folks.  I pay for school, either by cash or by loans; my parents let me live at home and bring me to/from school.  I think it's a fair set up.  It makes me work harder for my degree, that's for sure.  After all, it's not their money I'm wasting if I fail out - it's my own.)

Oh! So happy news time.  Because, you know, we all love happy news.

I found out that Thursday is when the new issue of the school magazine is coming out.  You know, the one that my poem is in.  I think I may have no choice but to go to the release party for a little bit; I'm thinking of inviting one of my friends who has an off period at that time to come with me.

This is kind of a huge deal for me.  I'll actually get to see my name in print.  And my poem.  So exciting.

The other happy news is that I'm feeling a lot better this morning.  Last night I crashed like a rock at 8:30.  I'm a little upset in the stomach today, but ultimately I feel like myself again.  Which is good.  I can't afford to be sick.  I have waaay too much going on in the next two weeks.

I think that about sums up my existence right now.  On to throttle some bells.

~Meaghan

More Job Applications

It's starting to feel like they all look alike.  Social security number, license number, date of birth, address, may we contact your employer?

So far, I've filled out applications for Borders (personal dream of mine, working in a bookstore), Michaels (because I buy more yarn than anyone I know), Home Depot (I collect paint chips from the paint section and love the garden part), and now Whole Foods (because I can run a cash register for eight hours straight).

Someone's got to call me back at some point, right?  I mean, I am pretty marketable.  I was a manager when I left Bagel Hell.  I held my Sylvan job for two years.  I have great people skills.  I learn quickly.

I think the goal is to just keep filling out the applications until someone calls.  Next on my list are Hobby Lobby, Target, Payless Shoes, Hot Topic, and the Tattered Cover.  I'm trying to keep it to places where I actually want to work. 

In other words, no food service.

I know, I know.  Food service isn't bad.  In fact, I think that if you have a great boss and team members, it probably can be a lot of fun.  But let me refresh you on how I spent last summer: getting up at 3 in the morning, dealing with a boss who complained about everyone, having a co-worker who thought he was God's gift to women and that we were all going to hell because of our individual beliefs, having another co-worker who could only ever talk about how much she hated the place, customers who think you owe them the world, an AC that almost always went out while the ovens were on, and having food that was hardly ever at proper temperature. 

(These are all reasons I don't eat at that particular store.  Especially the smoked salmon.  Never, ever eat the smoked salmon.  Or the pastrami.  Thinking about it now still makes me sick.)

No, thanks.  I'm good.  I don't care that I was a manager when I left.  You can not pay me enough to do food service again.

I wouldn't mind running a register or bagging groceries somewhere, though.  Yeah, it can be a lot of tedious work, but it's also fast paced and fun to a degree.  I can answer phones, too.  I'm good at that.

So as I'm filling out these applications, I'm realizing something massively important.  When I graduate, I'm going to have to actually create a resume.  It sounds scary just because it means that I'm finally hitting that point where I'm going to have to become a functioning member of society and do something with my life. 

Do I want to go ahead to the four year school and get a teaching degree?  Or do I want to call it quits with my writing degree and get a full time job like originally planned?  If I go with the first option, I'll get to stay in school longer; if I go with the second option, I can get the apartment with my sister like we've been talking about.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I can't think about it right now.  The stress is making me sick.

I got so sick at school yesterday.  I didn't make it to my last class; instead, I went home and slept.  And then I slept the whole night until about 4 am this morning when I realized that my alarm was still set to go off at 6.  I turned it off and went back to sleep.  I had a faint memory of a dream where some voice called me beautiful (I know, it's weird) and then I woke up with Bruno Mars stuck in my head.

I'm feeling better today, but I still don't feel at 100% functionality yet.   I get sick about twice a semester, so I guess it was time.  I think I just over did it this week: late nights with homework, going out, stress, etc.  Quedoba didn't help any, either.  If I ever tell anyone that I want Quedoba, slap me.  I don't mean it.

And now I have homework that I need to be doing.  My massive project for English Comp is due this week; I'm creating a new blog and then writing a paper analyzing it.  That should be fun.  Still need to revise my novel chapter; still have no idea what I'm doing.  But it'll work out.  It always does.

Oh! And I finally memorized my portion of my speech.  I just about did a happy dance.

Until tomorrow,

~Meaghan

Where Did the Weekend Go?

I'm so used to my weekends being long and drawn out.  This one broke the trend and flew by - I honestly can't figure out where it went or what I did, actually.  I think I underestimated my time for homework; as it stands, I still have things due tomorrow that aren't ready to go.

Eh. That's life for you.

Which reminds me.  I need to register for the fall semester today.  Registering can be a hassle, but for the most part it's fairly straight forward.  The real fun is thinking about the possibilities of the new semester.  You know, what you could learn, who you could meet, what you could do.  It's exciting.

I'm still not feeling entirely well.  I think this medicine is going to be good as soon as my body catches up with it.  I don't feel as depressed or upset as I did last week.  The real test is going to be school tomorrow.  Last week I left early on Tuesday because of a panic attack and on Thursday I felt like the walls were caving in.  (Over hearing people talk about you doesn't help any either.)

If I can make it through tomorrow without having panic attacks, fear, stress, anxiety, or tears then I will be happy.  I can do it.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

On a different note, my group presentation is going to be awesome.  The two people in my group are fantastic; there will be references to zombies (thank you, informative speech, for being the best thing I've done in public speaking thus far) and lots of making fun of celebrities.  I can't wait.

I'm also back to working out.  So far, it's been brutal.  But I'm trying to see the ending goals: being a size tweleve again, doing a 5K with my sister next year, and just generally being healthy again.  It keeps me going.  And I'm not doing it alone, either - a few classmates are doing it with me for a psychology project.  Plus my mom's doing it as well.

As for where everything else is...well.  I applied for a job over at Borders and I'm going to apply for one over at Home Depot.  My poetry is the best it's been in a long time.  So it's not all bad.  It just seems like it at times.

And now I need to eat some lunch.  I'll write later, my dear readers.

~Meaghan

Four Weeks Left.

As this Saturday passed, I realized one very crucial thing: I only have four weeks of school left for the semester.

This means a number of things.

1. Everything is due in the next three weeks so I need to massively get myself in gear.

2. I'm going to have to apply for a job in the next three weeks.

3. Holy Cow, Batman, where on earth did all the time go???

And...

4. How in the world am I supposed to focus when the weather has been so incredibly nice?

So this is now going to be a week for tactics. My life (and semester at this point) is too short to waste.  Time to come up with some plans.

Here's the run down:

1. I'm going to keep trudging through my homework even though I really don't feel like doing it.

2. Even though my first class is cancelled on Tuesday and even though nothing is due until Thursday, I'm going to go to school like any other day and do the homework like it's due on Tuesday.

3. I am going to stay focused as long as I can while making sure I go outside and enjoy the weather.

And...

4. I'm going to try to get a summer job at a place where it won't matter if it sucks because I don't go there that often. (Also, no more food places.)

So those are my plans.  I'm not too worried about them.  Even though I haven't been sleeping well at all. 

(I think I might be a little more stressed than I think I am, but that's just between us.)

Wish me luck.  Prayers are good, too.  I really just want everything to work out so that the semester will end on a pleasant note and so that I'm possibly not eating lunch by myself on the next three or four Tuesdays. 

I'll keep everyone posted on how this finishes out.

~Meaghan

Zombies Don't Stand a Chance.

Or rather, my speech for public speaking is ready.

I think this is actually the high light of my school week next week.  How sad is that?  But I'm just so excited to inform the class on what to do during the Zombie Apocalypse.  (Don't scoff, non believers.  Do you know how the world's going to end?  I didn't think so.  Be open minded.)

I even made a power point slide (via Open Office) to go with it.  I tried to keep the graphic levels of the pictures at a minimum.  Lots of "Night of the Living Dead" in there.  I need to work on the wording a bit and then give it to my family; they are, after all, the ones I practice on.  Then we should be good to go.

This is going to be a fairly busy weekend.  I'm going out with one of my friends tomorrow, then I'm going out with a different one on Sunday.  I'm excited.  I think I've earned some girl time out this semester. 

I had to get some blood work done this morning.  That was exciting.  See, the new doctor we've started going to was concerned about one of the medications I'm on.  So she took me off of it and told me to get some blood work done after a few weeks.  Then she's going to figure out a better medication to put me on.

Well in the two or three weeks I've been off it, I've had migraines and mood swings like you would not believe.  I do not feel like a happy camper most of the time here.  So I'm happy to have the blood work done if it means I can get on something else to regulate me out.

But being pricked kinda sucks.  It was just a few weeks ago that I was in the ER where they poked both arms (and exploded a vein in one of them) for blood work and whatnot.  I shouldn't complain, cause my mom gets her blood work done every three months or so, but I still hate it.

 I think it's a lot like giving presentations: the anticipation is worse than the actual act.  When I think about getting blood work done, I get that queasy feeling in my stomach.  Actually getting stabbed and sucked for all I'm worth (I wonder if that sounds as bad as I think it does...) doesn't bother me that much.  As long as I don't look.  Looking is terrible.

Tonight is our family night out.  I'm excited cause we're going for BBQ.  Now, I know I've ranted about BBQ on here before, but it's been a while so I'm going to do it again.

I am from south of St. Louis.  I grew up on really great St. Louis style ribs.  My parents are from around the KC area and lived in Memphis for a while too, so they made sure my sister and I were also exposed to the great BBQ of those areas.

We moved to Colorado in 2005 (around the time I turned 15) and for some reason expected the BBQ out here to be really good.

Yeah.  Right.

Don't get me wrong, Colorado has some really great food.  I mean, the Mexican stuff out here is amazing.  But they don't do so great in the world of BBQ.  Very few places out here know how to do a pulled sandwich Memphis style (where you put cole slaw on the sandwich); even fewer know a good brisket.

As the years have progressed, though, we've found some places that do a decent job.  One we recently discovered is called Rib City.  I think it's the best BBQ I've had since we moved out here, I really do.  They are based out of Florida, so they don't do a lot of things (like Memphis style or burnt ends) but they are really good with everything else. 

The downside is that they are really expensive.  So we've only eaten there once and aren't sure when we'll go back.

The other place that has pretty good BBQ is called Dickey's.  I really like Dickey's, mainly cause they have really good beef brisket.  Brisket is a staple of BBQ and to find a "fast food" place that does it well is impressive.  Plus the atmosphere is neat.  It always makes me want to become a cow girl.

So that's probably where we're going tonight.  Good times. 

I love spending time with my family.  It feels like it's so rare for all four of us to be able to sit down and enjoy some time together.  I think it's only going to get harder as the time progresses, as well.  Especially since Katie and I are talking about getting our own place in a few years.

I'm starting to think about summer jobs.  Part of me really doesn't want to get a job, but I don't really want to go to school over the summer either.  Maybe I'll get a job working at Target or King Soopers.  Retail, not food.  I am scared to go back into the food industry. 

Yes, I know.  They aren't all bad like Bagel Hell was.  But I'm just not ready to go back to smelling like something edible every day I come home.  I'm not ready to go back to cleaning bathrooms and trying to keep the soda machine filled with ice.

Put me on a register and let me interact with the people.  That I can do.  Smile?  Oh yeah.  Conversations while ringing people out?  You bet.  I love that sort of thing. 

Oh, and no kahki pants.  I hate those so much.  So, so much.  I would much rather wear black pants, and even then I'm not really comfortable outside of my blue jeans.

Ah, things to consider.

And on that note, I'm off to revise my speech.

~Meaghan

Sometimes I Wonder.

I wonder about people.  I wonder about myself too, actually.

Why am I on the road to being a writer?  It's an imposing question, and one that I've tried to answer on multiple occasions.  I think I may finally know the reason.

I have to write.

I go crazy when I don't.  It is such a fundamental part of me that I don't think I could live without it.  And I'm happy doing it.  Truly I am.  Even though I'm unpublished and unknown, I love what I do.  I am always coming up with new ideas and new phrases and new characters.  I love that.  It's like I have my own little world.  It's totally private and however I want it to be; then, when the time is right, I can share it with those around me.

But.

It's not easy.  Being a writer, I mean.  It can be terribly lonely at times.  Because you're always looking at things not just for what they seem to be but for also what they could become, people give you strange looks.  Even my best friends don't understand me at times.  It's almost like a solitary road; you're surrounded by people but it's hard to understand, so they just kind of give you space.

And it's a rough road too, covered with pot holes.  Writer's block, stories with only partial plots at a time, characters who are constantly changing from what you think they should be into what they want to be.  Granted, I love that last one; I love when my characters create a life of their own, even if it means it's more difficult for me to write them. 

The biggest problem is time. 

You have to make a living.  You have to do things with your life.  I have so many ideas and concepts and threads, but I don't have enough time.  Even on break I haven't been able to get them all down even though I write every day.  Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough hours in an already intimidatingly long day.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not meant for anything else.  I love to write, but I still can't help but wonder nonetheless.  It's part of that human instinct, I think.

I play the violin and I'm so greatful I've started up again.  But I don't have the dedication or drive to become a professional, not on any level.  And Biology was my passion for so long; but I go bored in the lecture halls and felt like ripping my hair out in lab.  Math was actually something I briefly thought about - solving Trig problems has an almost comforting rhythm - but I shot it down because it's not something I want to do every day.  Chemistry got shot down for much of the same reason; it's fun but not something I think I'd be dedicated to.

Acting?  I can do decent improv but I don't want to go to school for it.  Singing? Nope, my voice is unpredictable and sounds scratchy to my own ears.  Teacher?  I thought about it long and hard, I really did.  I have the patience, I'm good with kids.  But I'm already looking at three years of school for an Associates of Arts degree.  I don't want to spend any more than that.

And so everything has come back to writing.  To this thing where there's no guarentee that I'll make a living at it, where there's little to no recognition, where there's isolation and melancholy moods that come and go as the wind.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

What I'm going to do when I graduate school is still a mystery to me.  I will find a job somewhere and work until I can move out; my sister and I are talking of getting an apartment together, but plans can change and I'm prepared should it happen. 

Will I be happy in a job?  Will I get married down the road and have a family?  Will I live alone in the middle of nowhere and watch time pass?

I don't know. 

But of one thing I am completely certain: whatever happens, I will write.  I will always write.

And that makes me happy.

Until we meet again, dear readers.

~Meaghan

The Girl and the Violin

Once upon a time, I played my violin religiously. Well, I actually complained a lot about practicing and didn't do it, and when I did, it was far from religiously. But the point is that when I did practice, I sounded great (the beauty of being musically inclined) and really did enjoy it for the most part. So why am I telling you guys this?

Because I quit my job.

No, no, no. I am not going to pack up my belongings and play on a street corner somewhere in hopes that some random strangers, feeling touched after a Bach sonata, will give me money to live off of. Not at all. Although, buskering (playing on streets and at fairs and stuff for pocket change) is pretty enjoyable. Truth be told, I like performing in groups and in places where no one is really paying attention. It's fun and not stressful like solo performances at a recital are.

Again, not the point. My bad.

I quit my job for a number of reasons, actually, including but not limited to the fact that I hate working 4 am shifts and that my job was threatened over something that was not my fault.

But the main one is that I am sick of answering to the man. That's right. I am tired of having corporate used as a threat above my head, I am tired of working everyone else's hours, and I am tired of having to act like it's ok. Cause it's not. That is not how you lead or manage people, and I know that from my parents and from my years as a Girl Scout.

So I quit my job and next Wed. is my official last day. Great. What the heck am I going to do and what does this have to do with the story of me and my lousy practice habits?

You see, teaching is one my ambitions in life. I know I am never going to make a fortune off of it, and I know that it's a hard job to have. I know that some teachers get very little respect for what they do. But it is a noble thing, teaching the next generation, so to speak. I see the odds, and I also see the rewards, and frankly, if I can make a difference for one student, then I will feel like my time here has been worth it.

Which brings me to what I am going to do after I finish at Bagel Hell. I am going to teach violin.

That's right. I am pulling my beloved instrument out (I really do love it; it's a part of me that I will never be able to get away from) and am going to offer private instruction to beginner students. It's not going to be super profitable (if I wanted profitable, I'd stay where I am and be miserable) and it's going to take some time to get set up, but in the end, I feel it is going to be worth it.

I wouldn't feel I could do this if I didn't live at home, if my college wasn't paid for via a student loan, and if my savings wasn't built up. I have the perfect alignement, it seems, to pull this off.

I have not felt happier. I am going to do something my dad has been trying to get me to do for a while now: I'm going to be my own boss. It's going to rock. And I'm doing something that I love, which is a plus. I seriously do not care if I live off of peanuts as long as I am doing something I love and care about. If you don't care about or enjoy what you do, you shouldn't do it.

On that note, I'm auditioning for an orchestra next Tuesday. I think I'm going to audition with "the Swan" by Saint-Saens. I'm pretty excited; playing in an orchestra is like no other experience. It's fun, it's crazy, the music is usually good, and performing is a blast.

And now the homework beast is calling, so I must leave you for now. Until we meet again, dear readers.

~Meaghan

The Week of Finals

Nuff said.

Oh, and it's my last week working at Sylvan.

So, don't expect blogging in depth until next week.

Or the week after.

I need proper recovery time.

And time to watch CT and MST3K and Star Trek.

Ok, that is all.

You may go back to your life now.

Thanks.

Birdgirl90

I've Been Riding Out the Storm...

...And I think I can see a light in the clouds. Finally.

So I got the 95 on my paper and brought up my grade to an 80. That's a good start. The math final doesn't seem like it's going to be too horrible, but I'm still going to study like there is no tommorrow. The bio final is daunting, but I'll survive.

My last day of work at my current job is May 8th, which is next Saturday. I feel like I am on the right track. Today, I got the rest of my paperwork filled out at my new place and the rest of my uniform. The employees there are all really excited to have me, and were already starting to include me in their joking, even as I was filling out my paperwork.

And I officially have the title of "Junior Bacon Rodeo" on my MST3K forum that I'm on. I found out that titles like that are only given by moderators when they feel you have earned one. I think I know which administrator gave me mine, as his title says "Bacon is My Copilot" and he asked me to be his bacon disciple.

Things are finally working out. I know the next week or so is going to be rough, just because of the finals and leaving Sylvan and starting my new job, but I feel confident that I am on the right track.

The sun shining through the clouds really is nice. And hey, even though it's still drizzling, I think I can see a rainbow.

How's that for cheesey?

~Meaghan

P.S. - When I finish this semester, I'm having a MST3K marathon. I may even throw in my CT DVD to shake it up. Nevertheless, it's going to be awesome. And I'll have survived one whole year at college, which is pretty incredible too.

Some Things Are Harder Than They Should Be.

Like me trying to find a new job. (I think this is a safe place to talk about it, as I am fairly sure that none of my coworkers read this. And it's my blog, so I should be allowed to talk about what's bugging me anyway. Right? Right.)

Today I started to fill out applications for Borders and the bowling alley. I quickly stopped without saving any of the information, as I hit a point where the application asked for references of people who have known me for at least five years. Okay, I just moved out here to Colorado in 2005; most of the people back in Missouri don't keep in touch or didn't know me for at least five years, and most of the people here haven't known me for five years. Hell, it'll be five years in August.

I think they are making this application process a lot more difficult that it needs to be. Or I'm just really paranoid and having trouble because I'm making it a lot harder than it needs to be, which would not surprise me.

I know the economy is bad and that I should be glad I have a job right now, but I have to say that Sylvan is sucking out my soul. Everytime I go to work I feel overwhelming dread and dispair. This isn't to say that I don't like the all the people I work with. In truth, most of the teachers are fun to work with. And I love all the kids who come in for help.

But-

I can not stay there any longer. I've been there almost two years and I make just above minimum wage. For the number of hours I work a week and the kind of work that I do, I could easily work the same amount of hours in retail, do something more stimulating, and make more money while doing it, as well as having the opportunity to go full time when I'm done with school.

It just makes more sense to me. I am becoming resentful about going to work and about having the nit-picking and the cranky parents and whatnot. I would much rather work at a bookstore or clothing store where I still have to deal with cranky people but where it all balances out because the work is more stimulating and I can get a discount of stuff.

I feel slightly like I am breaking up with Sylvan, though. And I can't even tell the people I'm working for that I'm looking, which is hard. Change scares the heck out of me, but change must happen if I am going to be happy in my life. Even if I do feel slightly guilty about it.

Okay, that's my rant for the day. Please excuse me while I scream into a pillow at how much of a pain it is for me to get out the hell-hole I call "my place of employment".

~Meaghan

A few things I've been thinking about

So I'm trying to decide if I want to start another blog, one that is set aside just for music and book reviews. At this point in time, I think I am going to pass on it, as I have enough trouble maintaining this blog and updating regularly.

Another thing I've been thinking about is whether or not I'm going to take on another job. Currently I work part time at a Sylvan learning center (my other job finished up). If I were to take on a second job again, it would probably be at someplace like King Soopers (where I worked for a few months in 2007) or Chick-Fil-A. Chick-Fil-A has the benefits of being closed on Sundays and if I could get a schedule worked out where I was working mornings, then it would be ideal. Still, I'm hesitant to take on more than I can chew...

And finally, I'm trying to get a good night's sleep. I can not remember for the life of me the last time I slept a whole night without a nightmare or waking up at least once at some point. Sleep depravation is not good - I am one of those people who need a ton of sleep to make it through. So we will see how the next few weeks pan out.

I have to say, 2009 seems to be going fairly slowly and blurry thus far. I'll keep you posted.