Sometimes I Wonder.

I wonder about people.  I wonder about myself too, actually.

Why am I on the road to being a writer?  It's an imposing question, and one that I've tried to answer on multiple occasions.  I think I may finally know the reason.

I have to write.

I go crazy when I don't.  It is such a fundamental part of me that I don't think I could live without it.  And I'm happy doing it.  Truly I am.  Even though I'm unpublished and unknown, I love what I do.  I am always coming up with new ideas and new phrases and new characters.  I love that.  It's like I have my own little world.  It's totally private and however I want it to be; then, when the time is right, I can share it with those around me.

But.

It's not easy.  Being a writer, I mean.  It can be terribly lonely at times.  Because you're always looking at things not just for what they seem to be but for also what they could become, people give you strange looks.  Even my best friends don't understand me at times.  It's almost like a solitary road; you're surrounded by people but it's hard to understand, so they just kind of give you space.

And it's a rough road too, covered with pot holes.  Writer's block, stories with only partial plots at a time, characters who are constantly changing from what you think they should be into what they want to be.  Granted, I love that last one; I love when my characters create a life of their own, even if it means it's more difficult for me to write them. 

The biggest problem is time. 

You have to make a living.  You have to do things with your life.  I have so many ideas and concepts and threads, but I don't have enough time.  Even on break I haven't been able to get them all down even though I write every day.  Sometimes it feels like there aren't enough hours in an already intimidatingly long day.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not meant for anything else.  I love to write, but I still can't help but wonder nonetheless.  It's part of that human instinct, I think.

I play the violin and I'm so greatful I've started up again.  But I don't have the dedication or drive to become a professional, not on any level.  And Biology was my passion for so long; but I go bored in the lecture halls and felt like ripping my hair out in lab.  Math was actually something I briefly thought about - solving Trig problems has an almost comforting rhythm - but I shot it down because it's not something I want to do every day.  Chemistry got shot down for much of the same reason; it's fun but not something I think I'd be dedicated to.

Acting?  I can do decent improv but I don't want to go to school for it.  Singing? Nope, my voice is unpredictable and sounds scratchy to my own ears.  Teacher?  I thought about it long and hard, I really did.  I have the patience, I'm good with kids.  But I'm already looking at three years of school for an Associates of Arts degree.  I don't want to spend any more than that.

And so everything has come back to writing.  To this thing where there's no guarentee that I'll make a living at it, where there's little to no recognition, where there's isolation and melancholy moods that come and go as the wind.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

What I'm going to do when I graduate school is still a mystery to me.  I will find a job somewhere and work until I can move out; my sister and I are talking of getting an apartment together, but plans can change and I'm prepared should it happen. 

Will I be happy in a job?  Will I get married down the road and have a family?  Will I live alone in the middle of nowhere and watch time pass?

I don't know. 

But of one thing I am completely certain: whatever happens, I will write.  I will always write.

And that makes me happy.

Until we meet again, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Reasons Why I Write

So, I got to thinking, and since I'm actually advertising this blog in as many places as humanly possible for reasons still unknown to me, I figured, I should probably update more often, even if it feels like word vomit.

Yes, that's right - word vomit. One of my favorite terms, so you should learn it.

Anyway.

So then I thought some more and decided that I never actually explained why I was doing a blog or why you should read it. I'm of the mindset that things are better late than never, so I'm going to give it to you now. Be warned - I am tired and running off pure energy, and I have not had a Coke today.

Let's begin.

I think blogging for me started off as an experiment of sorts. I have always liked to write, and I've been told that I'm a pretty decent writer. I have this far out dream of getting published one day down the road, and I really want to get my writing known to the public as a whole.

I'm not entirely sure why, because when I started this blog two years ago, I was fairly shy and I didn't like having a lot of attention drawn to myself. In a way, I am still like that - I consider myself to be more outgoing than I once was, but having attention drawn to myself makes me feel self-concious in most aspects.

But I have also discovered that my writing is the one thing I don't mind having people look at and read. I like to be acknowledged when I write something decent, and when I write something that I feel is particularly good (I won't say great, I have a long ways to go before then), I want to share it.

That's where my username comes in. I have been using the username birdgirl90 since I was 14 and started writing fanfiction. I try to use it for everything, because if people like my stuff, I want them to be able to find me conviently. As it is, if you google birdgirl90, everything that comes up on the first page is me.

This is not to sound conceited, for the record. I do not feel like I am God's gift to fanfiction, fiction, blogs, and writing as a whole. Far from it, actually. I don't know how many times I've read the works and writings of others and realized that my own skill has room for improvment. There is always room for improvment, and I am very aware of it.

Instead, I want to be able to share my experiences with others. I want to be able to take whatever bit of knowledge that is stored in my head and spread it around. Likewise, I want to be told when my writing sounds bad. I feel like I will never be able to grow as a writer unless I have feed back, both positive and not-so-positive. This is not to say that I want it to be mean, but I believe that constructive criticism is one of the best tools in the trade.

And so I blog. And I write fanfiction. I carry notebooks around in my backpack when I am at school for free writing between classes, and when things happen or ideas hit, I write them down and date them.

So, in short, I write this blog for my own entertainment and to help me grow as a writer, as well as to share my day with you, in hopes of making you laugh or think about things. Because, in the end, isn't that what we all do when we write?

~birdgirl90