The Great Degree Problem

As many of you know, dear readers, I am a college student.

I attend a local community college where I am working on an Associates of Arts with an emphasis in Creative Writing.  The fall will mark my third year there, earning my two year degree.  Oh yeah. It's awesome. 

I originally started as a Bio major, which many of you may not know.  My passion for the longest time was birds of prey.  Owls, hawks, falcons, kites, eagles - I knew them by sight, some by sound, and I wanted to spend every day working with them. I still love them, and it's hard for me to not identify them as I'm driving down the road.

But things change.

I realized last spring that Biology was not the path for me.  It was technical.  And while I have the brains to handle it, it was more effort than I wanted to put forth.  Instead, I re-discovered my love of words.  I have always been a good writer, and I have always loved writing.  Through a literature class, my love of reading and writing was re-awoken.

And when I took a creative writing class last fall, I realized what I want to do with my life: I want to write.

It probably should have been clear earlier on.  I mean, I can't not write.  It is a part of me.  My favorite part of buying school supplies is getting new notebooks and ink pens.  I love the stimulation of taking characters I know intimately or the beauty of the world around me and putting it onto my computer or in a notebook in a way that others can know, too.

But now, my readers, I'm faced with a problem.

You would think it would be easy now that I know what I want to do.  The truth is, though, that the job market is not very open.  I decided this morning to take a look to see what's available for my A.A. degree.  The answer? Not a whole lot. 

It seems that in order to put my degree to good use, I either need to become a very good freelance writer or I need to get my B.A.  I'm not sure I want my B.A.  I'm successful at college and I enjoy it.  But I don't really enjoy it enough to go for another two or three years.  I really want to get a full time job and taste the world of independence.

See, I live at home with my family.  I don't have my own car.  I rely on my parents for pretty much everything.  And while that's fine, there comes a point where I want to know that I can live on my own.  I need to know that I can provide for myself and that I can live in an environment where I will be able to be safe on my own.

(For anyone wondering about it, that was part of why I didn't got straight to a four year school.  At the time I graduated high school, I wasn't convinced that I could trust myself enough to be safe living away from home.  It's a problem a lot of people don't have to worry about; for me though, I still hear the voice in the back of my brain from time to time.)

My sister and I want to get an apartment together before things change.  I want to do that more than anything.  I want that time with her.  I want that time to grow before the changes progress.

On top of it, I've been having a lot of people tell me that I should got to a four year school or ask me if I've considered going.  Professors, friends, family members, mentors.  It makes me question my path.  And I hate that.  I don't think a lot of them mean to put pressure on me, but that's what ends up happening. 

I just need to know that it's going to be ok in the end.  I just need to know that my choices aren't going to define me.  I need to know that I'm supported no matter what, and that I'm loved regardless of what I choose.

I think what finally brought this to a head (because I've been quietly struggling with it for some time now) is what's going on with my sweet boyfriend.  I love him more than anything and I want him to be happy, and right now, he's not.  He's not thrilled with what his path is and he's trying to figure out what to do next.  It's hard to be a third party.  I can't make his choices for him, and I know it.  I can't tell him what to do.

All I can do is tell him the truth: that I'll always be there, supporting him no matter what he does.  That I'll love him no matter what he chooses and that I'll follow him anywhere, even if it means leaving all I know behind. 

(If this isn't love, then I don't know what is.  I've never felt so sure of something in my entire life.  And I mean it, too. )

I feel sick to my stomach and now I'm starting to cry.  I don't know what is going on with me, but I feel like I can't handle it right now.  There shouldn't be so much pressure on us, this next generation.  All I want to do is work and write and knit.  Why is that so hard for everyone to understand? 

Why is it all so hard to understand?

~Meaghan

Stupid Car Keys.

So my speech study group decided to meet up today.  One of my friends offered to come get me, it was going to be good to run through the motions, and it was going to be fun.

  Except for one small thing: I got to school and realized I had my mom's car keys in my pocket.  Oh, and I only had one set in there, which meant that the other set was AWOL.

As it turns out, the other set of keys was actually in my pocket as well. 

(This is what happens when I don't get enough sleep.  As much fun as it is, I should really know better than to text someone until 11:00 at night.)

I'm normally so responsible.  It's one of those things I try really hard to be.

Oh well.  Four days left. 

Time for a steady diet of Bruno Mars until my blood pressure winds down. =P

~Meaghan

More Job Applications

It's starting to feel like they all look alike.  Social security number, license number, date of birth, address, may we contact your employer?

So far, I've filled out applications for Borders (personal dream of mine, working in a bookstore), Michaels (because I buy more yarn than anyone I know), Home Depot (I collect paint chips from the paint section and love the garden part), and now Whole Foods (because I can run a cash register for eight hours straight).

Someone's got to call me back at some point, right?  I mean, I am pretty marketable.  I was a manager when I left Bagel Hell.  I held my Sylvan job for two years.  I have great people skills.  I learn quickly.

I think the goal is to just keep filling out the applications until someone calls.  Next on my list are Hobby Lobby, Target, Payless Shoes, Hot Topic, and the Tattered Cover.  I'm trying to keep it to places where I actually want to work. 

In other words, no food service.

I know, I know.  Food service isn't bad.  In fact, I think that if you have a great boss and team members, it probably can be a lot of fun.  But let me refresh you on how I spent last summer: getting up at 3 in the morning, dealing with a boss who complained about everyone, having a co-worker who thought he was God's gift to women and that we were all going to hell because of our individual beliefs, having another co-worker who could only ever talk about how much she hated the place, customers who think you owe them the world, an AC that almost always went out while the ovens were on, and having food that was hardly ever at proper temperature. 

(These are all reasons I don't eat at that particular store.  Especially the smoked salmon.  Never, ever eat the smoked salmon.  Or the pastrami.  Thinking about it now still makes me sick.)

No, thanks.  I'm good.  I don't care that I was a manager when I left.  You can not pay me enough to do food service again.

I wouldn't mind running a register or bagging groceries somewhere, though.  Yeah, it can be a lot of tedious work, but it's also fast paced and fun to a degree.  I can answer phones, too.  I'm good at that.

So as I'm filling out these applications, I'm realizing something massively important.  When I graduate, I'm going to have to actually create a resume.  It sounds scary just because it means that I'm finally hitting that point where I'm going to have to become a functioning member of society and do something with my life. 

Do I want to go ahead to the four year school and get a teaching degree?  Or do I want to call it quits with my writing degree and get a full time job like originally planned?  If I go with the first option, I'll get to stay in school longer; if I go with the second option, I can get the apartment with my sister like we've been talking about.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I can't think about it right now.  The stress is making me sick.

I got so sick at school yesterday.  I didn't make it to my last class; instead, I went home and slept.  And then I slept the whole night until about 4 am this morning when I realized that my alarm was still set to go off at 6.  I turned it off and went back to sleep.  I had a faint memory of a dream where some voice called me beautiful (I know, it's weird) and then I woke up with Bruno Mars stuck in my head.

I'm feeling better today, but I still don't feel at 100% functionality yet.   I get sick about twice a semester, so I guess it was time.  I think I just over did it this week: late nights with homework, going out, stress, etc.  Quedoba didn't help any, either.  If I ever tell anyone that I want Quedoba, slap me.  I don't mean it.

And now I have homework that I need to be doing.  My massive project for English Comp is due this week; I'm creating a new blog and then writing a paper analyzing it.  That should be fun.  Still need to revise my novel chapter; still have no idea what I'm doing.  But it'll work out.  It always does.

Oh! And I finally memorized my portion of my speech.  I just about did a happy dance.

Until tomorrow,

~Meaghan

Update! (For Real This Time..)

Oh my dear Cyberland Readers, I know it has been a while. I am truly sorry about that. Life has this horrid tendency to catch up to me and make me lose myself, which is really what happened all this week. I lost myself, but I'm getting back to normal.

Whatever normal is.

Does anyone else have that problem? It's like your mind becomes so overloaded with things that it's no longer your mind and it's like you're trying to crawl out the sides, but it's not getting you anywhere. At least, that's what happens to me from time to time, and what happened to me this week.

I have these stresses in my life that I let consume me. I'm so good at worrying that I have a lot of trouble stepping back and letting things happen on their own. Like work. Work this week has been a really big stress for me. Part of it is that I've been working early morning shifts so that I know the management procedures for opening. I'm excited about becoming a manager, but at the same time, I'm scared by it too. This is my first job in the food industry and I feel as if I don't know enough to be promoted. In all honesty, I think one of my best friends (who also works with me - that's how we met) would be a better manager. He has the skills and the experience needed to run the show; I have people skills but lack experience.

My mom says that if my boss didn't think I could handle it or do it, he wouldn't be promoting me. I just need confidence, which is hard right now. I doubt myself very easily and I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But I do, all the same. This week, I'm going to try very hard to be confident in my abilities, and see if that helps.

The other part of my job that is stressing me out is the fact that my two supervisors can't get along. It's like they can't stand each other's guts and while they both have short-comings (we all do, whether you like it or not), they are blind to them and quick to point out the other's. It drives me crazy! I know that it doesn't have anything to do with me or my friend or anything else, but it makes it difficult to work. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but when they fight at work, not only is it unprofessional, but it makes the air itself seem thicker. I seriously leave on my lunch break just to get some space and time away from it.

And now I feel like I can't work with either of them. One of them has a temper (he yelled at one of the bakers yesterday where yelling was not necessary) and walks in circles, and the other just has a bad attitude. Plus, she screwed one of my friends over, which makes me get all defensive. Blah...

I was at a point this week where I didn't want to go to work at all, and when I came home, I felt like crying from it all. Maybe it's because I was tired all week (I'm back to having nightmares that hover on the edge of my consciousness, which drains me), maybe it was because I was having some other mental things going on (I'll get to that in a bit), but I fleetingly thought about quiting this week. Of course I won't, I was just so stressed out that I thought about it. I like the work, I like working with my friends, I like the experience I'm getting and the way management is going to look on my resume. I am just sick of the stress. It's killing me.

I know, I know. Brush it off. Well, that's a lot easier said than done, my Cyberland Readers. A lot easier said than done.

The other part of my stress is school. Fall semester, which I am really excited about starting, is a month away. Tuition is due in less than that. As it stands, I am short about four hundred dollars. I have one more pay check between here and there, and all of it is going into savings. Tomorrow I am going to go talk to the financial aide department to see if I can get on a payment plan. If I can't, I don't know what I'm going to do. I know my parents have offered to help with books and tuition if I need them too, but I hate asking for that because I know what our financial situation is. And partly because of pride, if I am being completely honest. I work and I should be able to afford this on my own without asking for help.

I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just take out some loans? Well, you see, my Cyberland Readers, FAFSA thinks that you should only get loans if you are taking 12 or more credit hours. Because I work, I feel I am only able to handle about 10 hours a sememster. I'd like to take more, but I also want to do well and pass the classes with grades that I'm happy with. So I work to pay for school, and at school I only take 10 hours or so, so that I can work.

Yeah. Well, I really want to graduate, so I'll make it happen. I am determined about that. Somehow, it will work and I will get that diploma if it freaking kills me.

And then, finally, the thing that really set me off this week. I broke six months of not cutting or scratching, and scratched. That always sets my brian in a very dark place, and it takes me forever to get out. I feel like when I do that, I end up trapping myself in my mind. All this week, along with the other stresses and things compounding in, I feel like I haven't been myself. I've been feeling really negative and sad, and just out of it.

No more. I am getting out of my mind if it's the last thing I do.

But, you know what? Among all the stresses and negatives and bummers, I really do have a lot of good things that have happened and that I am thankful for. For one, my family has never once deserted me. For another, I have friends who listen, and one who was there when I really needed one this week and who has not blamed me for anything even though I'm pretty sure he could if he wanted to. I have a good job which is going to help me gain a new skill set that will help me down the road. And I have the ability to attend school, which a lot of young women in other countries still aren't allowed to do. These are things that I should never take for granted, and that I am so greatful for that I can't even express it.

Plus, there were some really good things this week, too. My friend and I went to see "Predators" last week, which was a lot of fun. I didn't realize that I needed to do something like that until we did it, and it was great. I took my sister out for sushi and shopping last week, which was also really nice. We try to do stuff like that on a regular basis because it gives us that time together and keeps us close. And my birthday was this week. I am now officially 20, which in all honesty, doesn't feel any different than 19 did. It was nice, though. I got to spend time with my family, which I love, and I was reminded yet again how blessed I am to have them. I also worked, which was fun. My friend and my boss both threatened to get the store to sing to me, which I'm really glad they didn't follow through cause I get embarrassed really easily and would've turned into a red puddle on the floor, so to speak.

So, it's not all bad. I just let things get to me. But not this week. This week, I am going to try to have a really positive attitude and to separate the different things so that they don't interfer with one another. And you know what? Things are going to work out. I know they always do. I just have to stick with it and throw my best foot forward, and stop complaining and stressing.

As I just read in my Bible (that's another thing - I've started reading it again, so it should help...), if God brings you to it, He also provides a way through it. I have to believe that more than I did.

And that, my Cyberland Readers, is your very long, moderately depressing, somewhat complaint filled, blog update for the day.

Until the next time,

~Birdgirl90

Why am I doing this blog thing again...?

I think it started out as a way to get my writing published in some form or another. Then it morphed into a way of reminding myself that I actually do have a life outside of work and family. And then it became a way of proving to myself that I really am a procrastinator at heart. I mean, the last time I updated this thing was back in October and here we are, the end of December. *sigh*

Anywhosit -

Today I am blogging because I have the jitters. No, it's not from an overabundance of caffiene. And no, it's also not because I've been watching a marathon of Star Trek and MST3K since November. (Although, that may be contributing, I don't know..) It's because of a social situation that I am about to be subjected to that I am jittery.

It's the company Christmas party.

I know, I know, it's really not a big deal. It's fun, actually. And I work well with everyone (at least, I think I do for the most part) and I like everyone I work with and I really do enjoy them all. But social situations like this make me so nervous for no apparent reason. I know it's a safe environment, and no one is out to get me, but I'm so afraid of doing something wrong.

Maybe it's just because I'm 19 and I still sometimes feel a little uncomfortable in my own skin, like a woolen sweater that's just a bit too hot and itchy. Or maybe it's because I'm so used to being the quiet shy girl that I haven't gotten my subconcious to understand that I am beyond that. I really don't know.

Maybe I'm afraid I'm the only one not bringing a guest. : (

Anyway, I'll survive. And I'll do it with dignity and my head up high. Or, at least however much dignity I can find. Aw, who am I kidding? Dignity is soo over rated!

On a lighter note, I have been watching an insane amount of MST3K. Let me emphasize INSANE here for a moment. It's gotten to the point where I am wondering what my life was like before Joel and the Bots and how I ever managed through finals without them. Cause really, that's what it started as. My improv group that I play with was horrified that I had no idea of what MST3K was ( as it turns out, I did have memories of a talking gumball machine watching movies - apparently dad watched it when I was little) and so I was encouraged to youtube it.

It is freaking amazing.

No. Seriously. If you have not seen it, go watch it now. Really. I'll wait. If anything, watch for the host segements. And make sure you watch the ones with Joel in them - he's freaking adorable; it's like the Bots are his kids or something.

So the week of finals I was stressed out anyway, so instead of studying, I started watching MST3K. Yes, I said it, and I would say it again. I HAVE NO REGRETS! Haha, okay that was a little melodramatic, but whatever. Anyway, it has sucked me in. Which is good, cause these sort of things always seem to happen when my life is at a time of utter monotony or stress; they give me something else to focus on for a while besides my own mundane routines.

So naturally, my brain is a little loopy now. Not that I really care, but I'm just saying... Come to think of it, I don't actually remember a time when my brain wasn't loopy. Such is the life I suppose.

Anyway, I have a cake I have to go frost for this thing tonight. I do believe this is the longest blog I've done in a very, VERY long time. If you made it this far, I hope you enjoyed it (or at least found it fascinating), and if you haven't, well, too bad.

I'm gonna try to break the spell of procrastination. I mean it this time - college is making me focus more. Sorta. Kinda. Maybe?

Later Cyberland!

I have to let it out

So, if you are expecting a nice little blog about how great everything is and whatever, forget it. This is your warning. I just need to rant like you would not believe, so if it bugs you, don't read it. You have been warned.

First off, let me just say that my life is not bad. Even though my dad works two jobs, my family of four lives in a small two bedroom apartment, and we are struggling in the economy like everyone else, my life is fairly easy and sheltered.

That being said, I am so stressed about what I am going to do with my life that I feel like I am going to explode.

I think part of the problem is not that I don't know what I want to do (I want to eventually be a teacher), but that everyone keeps telling me what I should or should not do. I am actually getting to the point where I want to start screaming at people to leave me alone or to take their opinions and shove them you know where.

I'm not sure I see a point in life, to be honest. You get born, you go to school where you make good grades so you can go to a good college so you can get a good job and get married and have 2.5 kids and then you grow old and die. If you think about it, there really is no good reason for us to be here. Humans as a whole do not benefit anything; rather, we destroy the earth and environment and cause discord and war amidst ourselves. It makes no sense at all to me.

At the same time, I want what everyone else wants - I want to find people who love me for who I am, I want to get married and have that level of closeness with someone, I want to make a difference for whatever it is worth.

And so I am torn as I look at colleges. If I go away, I have the ability to meet new people and try new things. If I stay, I can see how things are going to go with the people I know and the things I know. Change scares me, and yet change is inevitable.

Which brings me to relationships. I have no idea where I stand. No, wait, that's a lie. I know where I stand, I just don't know where everyone else stands. There is a boy that I have known for a few years and even though I know that I shouldn't, I still like him. I have tried everything to get over him, and yet I keep coming back to liking him. I think he likes me, but he is so dense in the arena that I seriously doubt anything is ever going to happen. And yet I want something to happen so badly that I seriously cry about it.

I am so sick of always being the single one in the group, of feeling alone even when surrounded by a million people.

Granted, I could just change my stand. I could try to see the positves of being single. I try so hard to be optimistic about everything, that included, that I feel like I'm not only trying to convince everyone around me of it, but also myself. It feels like a mask and I am so frustrated trying to figure everything out.

But things are going to get better, right? And if they don't, then maybe I'll learn to like the clouds or something. Until then, though, I just want to scream, cry, and throw myself off a cliff.

But I won't.

Because I really do want to see how things are going to play out. But I do need the stress to go away. My hair is so thin right now that I am concerned that it's never going to grow back. I have trouble sleeping, and I am almost always tired.

And that was my rant. I'm not even going to apologize for it, because it's my right to scream every once in a while when I can't handle everything life has dished my way.

Have a nice night.

Writer's block has attacked again.

Hi. I have no idea what I'm writing about today, as I seem to have developed writer's block for about the millionth time in the past, oh, five months. I know, I know - I hate it too. So I'm doing what a wise man (my dad) once told me to do, which is to write even when I have no inspiration whatsoever.

I always feel really bad when I get writer's block, because I have so many projects that I'm working on and I don't feel like working on any of them. There's Dereck and Brie (that whole story plot has evolved and is going to require a lot of re-planning), my somewhat decent poetry that I'm trying to compile, a bunch of random scrabbles that I've played around with, and this other project I started in the world of Fanfiction for a show called "Jane and the Dragon". (It's a kid's show on Qubo - yes, I realize I'm a nerd, but I also work with little kids, so give me some credit here - about a 12 year old girl who wants to be a knight in the middle ages. She also has a dragon who helps her along the way, as well as some friends who are all very well developed characters. If you haven't watched it, go look it up on youtube or at the library.)

Anyway, with so many projects going on, you would think I would be completely in my element. Well, for the most part I am. But then the writer's block attacks. I always know when it's going to start to rear it's ugly head because it starts with me becoming a giant perfectionist. Some days when I'm writing, I'm able to just sit down and get all of the concepts out of my head onto paper without even thinking about it or being critical of them. But when writer's block starts to show, I begin to get very nit-picky about things (I even go so far as to critic my handwriting or typing style as I go) and I have to stop what I'm doing.

Then comes the not wanting to do anything stage, which is where I basically put things on a shelf and try to not thing about them. Or I think about them - the plots, the settings, the characters, etc. - and get excited but feel the lack of motivation to put the words on paper. I think I used to go through notebooks like you would not believe. Now, though, I have about five completely untouched notebooks and about five partially used notebooks.

The sad thing is that the writer's block is really just part of a bigger problem, which is that I as an individual just get swamped with anxiety and stress. Even as I write this, I'm trying to remember the last time I slept the whole night without nightmares or waking up at odd hours. I think I had a day a few weeks ago where I did, but I slept so heavily that I was tired when I woke up.

The really, really sad thing is that I'm not the only one in my family struggling with things. We are all concerned about my dad's job security and the crashing economy. My sister is in constant stress trying to keep her grades good. Plus we are down to one car, which is crazy; my mom drives all of us everywhere (Katie and I are really busy - school for her, work for me, extra activities for both of us - and dad still works two jobs), which means she has to get up at like 5 and doesn't get to go to bed until after 11 at night. So I really shouldn't complain about being tired.

And the other night I finally crashed, and then woke up at 12:30 not being able to breathe. The funny thing is that my stress chooses to come to the forefront with issues that are so small compared to the rest that if I wasn't so worried, I would laugh about. Like relationships or writer's block or the fact that my room is a mess and my computer always runs slow. Small, insignificant issues. Really, I think that what happens is I get really stressed out about the big things and the only way I can deal is to take it out on the small things.

I have to say that college is right now on my mind. I'm going in March to take a tour of the campus and pre-enroll in classes. I'm very excited about it. I think the only thing that worries me is how much it's going to cost and how we are going to pay for it. If I had been smart and actually applied myself in high school, I could have graduated with close to a 4.0 and would have more opportunites for scholarships. Instead I slacked because I didn't care. It looks like I'm probably going to have to take out student loans...

But enough about it, I have whined more than enough. And I got way off topic. Sorry, folks, I really need to work on that. The good news about this super whiney blog? I think it might have helped cure my writer's block. If you have made it this far in reading, I applaud your dedication and can assure you that the next update will be much more interesting of a read.

Until we meet again,

Birdgirl90 aka Meaghan

"Need a bed to lay my body on/
Deadweight to carry down/
Some static is lulling me to sleep/
Hang your clothes on a chainlink fence/
In a junkyard, say Amen/
Your mouth is full of wordless hymns/
And run on sentences."
- Beck
"Youthless"