Update Time Again

Sorry for the slow update, guys.  I've had the flu for the past week.  The worst of it's passed it's course, but I pushed myself too hard yesterday and am paying for it today.  So that's where I've been for most of the week - at home, on the couch.

My yarn made it to me.  It's beautiful.  The sweater is going to be so nice when I get it done.  Totally worth it.

School starts next week.  I think I'm ready for it.  One of my classes got cancelled, so my load is a bit lighter.  It's going to be a busy but good semester.  Then I get to create a resume and get a full time, real world job.  Which terrifies and thrills me, so we aren't going to think about it right now.

My boyfriend is settled in his new college town.  I'm going to go see him either at the end of next month or the middle of March.  He's in Boulder, so there's a lot of cool stuff to do and see up there - Celestial Seasonings, the Pearl Street Mall, etc.  I'm excited.  He seems to like it up there.  He's optimistic and happy for the first time in a long time, which makes me happy.  Our relationship is as strong as ever.

Can you believe we've been dating for over 8 months now?  That seems like such a long time, yet it feels so short.  It's like I've known him my whole life. :)

I ordered his birthday gift today.  I got him (and no telling him, okay?) a boxed set of Anne Rice books.  He loves Interview with the Vampire, so I got him a collection of the first four books - Interview, the Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, and something about a corpse.  I'm so excited. =D

Life is pretty good, other than being sick.  As soon as this nasty thing passes, I should be back up and running like normal.  Which I want more than anything.  I really do.

I started a pair of cabled socks (I'm adapting the pattern myself) and a pull down shirt for my sister. This is my year to knit and write and grab life by the horns.  It's too short to not do what makes you happy.

And on that note, I'm off.  I hope you are having a great weekend, dear readers. :)

~Meaghan

All Things Considered....

I'm doing pretty well at keeping this blog somewhat updated.  Even without the convience of internet in our home.  And without really having anything important to say.

It's like cutting my bangs.  Geez.  I finally did that this morning.  I washed my hair and combed my bangs forward (where they should be) instead of to the side.  And I realized they hit the tip of my nose.  Awesomeness.

Several minutes later of chopping frenzy that only hair stylists and five year olds tend to have, and voila.  My bangs now sit where they should be - just below my eyebrows.

Why is blogging like cutting my bangs? 

Well....I'm actually still working on it.  I really just wanted to talk about cutting my own hair and not butchering it.

Oh!  Wait!  I know!

If I don't try to at least keep up with this blog, much like my bangs, then I end up with so much to write about that I can't do it in a post and life becomes skimmed over.  There.  That's my analogy.

My brain hurts.

Today is my mom's birthday.  It's pretty exciting. :)  She's a capricorn and totally fits it, too - good with numbers,  very logical, needs schedules, etc.  I love her.  I would be nothing without my parents, especially my mom. So happy birthday to her.

Gah, school starts in two weeks.  My boyfriend leaves for his school (in a different city) on Wed.  Life is changing.  I'm terrified.  But I will face it head on.  I will.

Alright.  I'm off.  Wish me luck facing life, and I'll be doing the same for you, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Things I Learned Upon Being 21

~ I really am happy I stayed around to see birthday 21 appear.

~ I'm looking forward to seeing many, many more birthdays appear.

~ I have the greatest family in the world, and God has truly blessed them with me.

~ My little sister is amazing.

~ I am blessed to have been able to share this birthday not only with my wonderful family, but also with the boy I plan on sharing the rest of my life with.

~ Said boy is absolutely amazing.

~ Margaritas are both delicious and dangerous.

~ I have a low tolerance for tequila in said margarita.

~ My family is even more amazing for not laughing at me for low tolerance of the margarita.

~ My boyfriend is even more amazing for not laughing or giving me a hard time as he helped me up the stairs.

~ Getting carded for buying a six pack at Wal-Mart is fun.

~ But buying crayons and yarn is still more fun.

~ Cupcakes are still tasty.

And

~ I love life, and am enjoying each milestone to the fullest with the ones I love.

Life is amazing.  Full of changes and challenges.  But amazing.  And I am humbled and awed by it.

~Meaghan

Birthday!!!

You guys get a double post today, also.

Today, my little sister is 18. 

Today, we celebrate how awesome she is.  (She had to go to the doctor today for a sinus infection.  And know what?  Instead of whining and complaining about being sick on her day, she took it like a boss.  That is how awesome she is.)

Today, we recognize that there is one more adult in the world, one more voter in the booth, and one more (possibly) lucky scratch ticket winner.

This is for her.  She is my best friend.  We have a bond that only sisters can have.  And I love her.

Happy Birthday, sis.  Enjoy your day, beautiful girl.

~Meaghan

Birthdays.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday. 

It's kind of hard to believe.  She's going to be 18.  It's crazy.  My baby sister is growing up.

I'm taking her out today to celebrate.  We're going to go see that new movie, Bridesmaids.  Then we're going for lunch.  It's going to be a lot of fun.

Enjoy your day, dear readers.

Meaghan

I Jinxed Myself.

I got all excited because I thought it was going to rain (I mean, it was sprinkling a little, that has to count for something here) and then it didn't.  What a bummer.

And then I got a crappy night's sleep because of it.  Or maybe it was all the Dr. Pepper I consumed yesterday.  (I'm a college student and I'm officially addicted to caffine or however you spell it.  Coffee? Check.  Soda?  Oh yes.  Chocolate?  Are you kidding?  Of course!)

Whatever it was, I could not sleep last night to save my life.  It's like when you spend the night at a friends house and they have a loud furnace.  Now, you're used to having very little noise in your home, but because of your friend's furnace, their place makes a ton of noise.  So every little sound wakes you up through out the night.  It's like sleeping on pins and needles - you're just waiting for a noise to come on and wake you up by the end.

And then when you do get up, you feel like you haven't slept in over a week.  Your neck is stiff, your head is ringing, and yet you are oddly awake and ready to go.

That is how I feel this morning.  I really wanted to sleep until like nine, but it is not going to happen.  And now I have to face my day feeling like something the cat dragged in.  Blargh.

Oh, so you guys know how I updated my Myspace page?  It's something I do like every two or three years at this rate, right?  Well, now I keep getting friend requests from random people on there.  Seriously.  Complete strangers want to be my "friends" now. 

I don't mind if you guys want to be my friends, but let me know where you know me from.  It can be from here, or from school, or from when I lived in a different state, etc.  Just let me know.  Because if I don't know where you're coming from or why you want to be my "friend", I'm not going to accept the request.  It is just the way I am.

I have to write this rough draft for Thursday in my English class.  It's an argumentative paper, the one I'm doing on the holidays.  I have to have a working thesis for Tuesday.  I was thinking that I could just do the thesis today and then get the rough draft written on like, oh say, Wednesday. 

Yeah, at two in the morning I realized: that's not going to work.  In order to have a good, solid "working" thesis, I need to write the rough draft first.  Because, as with my History class last semester and with my Bio class the spring before, thesis statements change when you write the paper.

(This is why I prefer creative writing over normal English.  Yes, there are rules and guidelines, but you don't have to write thesis statements, abstracts, headings, and citations.  Citing drives me insane.  Thesis statements just confuse me.  And abstracts?  You tell the reader what you're going to tell them in the paper, then you tell them in the paper, and then you summarize what you just told them.  No thank you.  I'll stick to my character developement, thanks.)

Of course, realizing things at that time is a dangerous thing anyway.  Mainly because your mind is in a weird state of being.  Have you ever noticed that?  At odd hours in the morning, things that are stupid and lame seem hilarious.  Things that are normal seem terrifying.  It's amazing to me how the brain reacts.

Oh! And another thing I was thinking about at two or three or whatever time it was this morning: I get a new license this summer.

That's right.  I turn twenty one this July.  Which means several things. 

1. I'm getting older and my acne should, in theory, go away. (Whoever said it was a teenage condition should be shot.  Just saying.)

2. I'm going to be able to legally drink, gamble, sign a contract, and get my own apartment (if I was working and not in school).

3. My license will be sideways (horizontal) instead of up and down (vertical), which means my friends can't give me hard time any more about which way mine goes.  (Long story short, one of my "friends" came to me for relationship advice - which, why me I don't know, cause I've never dated anyone - and then told me she sometimes forgot I was younger than her by like two years.  The license thing came up; it was actually kind of funny at the time...)

4. I can get a better picture on my license.  I was 18 when I got my current license and the lady said something before she took the picture - I think it was "smile" or something along those lines.  I asked her what she said just as she took the picture.  So yeah.  My mouth is open and I look like a deer in the headlights.

It's rather exciting.  I got my current license on Halloween back in 2008, cause I'm awesome like that.  This time, I have to get it before the middle of August, cause it expires a month after my birthday.  Oddly enough, my sister is going to be 18 this spring.  That freaks me out a little.  She's my younger sister; I want to know where the time went.

Oh well.  It's an adventure, isn't it?  Life.  I'm trying to be more positive, more happy, more optimistic.  I think I'm getting there.  Although, I did spent part of this weekend toying with the idea of skipping English class on Tuesday and instead just wasting time until my Psychology class.

Did I tell you guys about the crappy group experience I had on Thursday?  I'll spare the details cause it's over and done, but the gist of it was that my group didn't want to work.  I ended up typing the assignment up and as I was doing so, one of the girls in particular kept nit picking at my stuff.  It was awful.  Honestly, I don't care for group work to begin with.  I would much rather just do it myself.

But I won't skip.  I won't go in late.  I'll step up to the plate and take it like a woman.   Besides, what can they honestly do to me?  Nothing. 

Ok, I'm getting off.  I need to get this day snowballing.  Homework, going out with my friend, and I think I'm supposed to call the skating rink to get info for lessons.  Wish me luck!

Until the next time, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Update! (For Real This Time..)

Oh my dear Cyberland Readers, I know it has been a while. I am truly sorry about that. Life has this horrid tendency to catch up to me and make me lose myself, which is really what happened all this week. I lost myself, but I'm getting back to normal.

Whatever normal is.

Does anyone else have that problem? It's like your mind becomes so overloaded with things that it's no longer your mind and it's like you're trying to crawl out the sides, but it's not getting you anywhere. At least, that's what happens to me from time to time, and what happened to me this week.

I have these stresses in my life that I let consume me. I'm so good at worrying that I have a lot of trouble stepping back and letting things happen on their own. Like work. Work this week has been a really big stress for me. Part of it is that I've been working early morning shifts so that I know the management procedures for opening. I'm excited about becoming a manager, but at the same time, I'm scared by it too. This is my first job in the food industry and I feel as if I don't know enough to be promoted. In all honesty, I think one of my best friends (who also works with me - that's how we met) would be a better manager. He has the skills and the experience needed to run the show; I have people skills but lack experience.

My mom says that if my boss didn't think I could handle it or do it, he wouldn't be promoting me. I just need confidence, which is hard right now. I doubt myself very easily and I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But I do, all the same. This week, I'm going to try very hard to be confident in my abilities, and see if that helps.

The other part of my job that is stressing me out is the fact that my two supervisors can't get along. It's like they can't stand each other's guts and while they both have short-comings (we all do, whether you like it or not), they are blind to them and quick to point out the other's. It drives me crazy! I know that it doesn't have anything to do with me or my friend or anything else, but it makes it difficult to work. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but when they fight at work, not only is it unprofessional, but it makes the air itself seem thicker. I seriously leave on my lunch break just to get some space and time away from it.

And now I feel like I can't work with either of them. One of them has a temper (he yelled at one of the bakers yesterday where yelling was not necessary) and walks in circles, and the other just has a bad attitude. Plus, she screwed one of my friends over, which makes me get all defensive. Blah...

I was at a point this week where I didn't want to go to work at all, and when I came home, I felt like crying from it all. Maybe it's because I was tired all week (I'm back to having nightmares that hover on the edge of my consciousness, which drains me), maybe it was because I was having some other mental things going on (I'll get to that in a bit), but I fleetingly thought about quiting this week. Of course I won't, I was just so stressed out that I thought about it. I like the work, I like working with my friends, I like the experience I'm getting and the way management is going to look on my resume. I am just sick of the stress. It's killing me.

I know, I know. Brush it off. Well, that's a lot easier said than done, my Cyberland Readers. A lot easier said than done.

The other part of my stress is school. Fall semester, which I am really excited about starting, is a month away. Tuition is due in less than that. As it stands, I am short about four hundred dollars. I have one more pay check between here and there, and all of it is going into savings. Tomorrow I am going to go talk to the financial aide department to see if I can get on a payment plan. If I can't, I don't know what I'm going to do. I know my parents have offered to help with books and tuition if I need them too, but I hate asking for that because I know what our financial situation is. And partly because of pride, if I am being completely honest. I work and I should be able to afford this on my own without asking for help.

I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just take out some loans? Well, you see, my Cyberland Readers, FAFSA thinks that you should only get loans if you are taking 12 or more credit hours. Because I work, I feel I am only able to handle about 10 hours a sememster. I'd like to take more, but I also want to do well and pass the classes with grades that I'm happy with. So I work to pay for school, and at school I only take 10 hours or so, so that I can work.

Yeah. Well, I really want to graduate, so I'll make it happen. I am determined about that. Somehow, it will work and I will get that diploma if it freaking kills me.

And then, finally, the thing that really set me off this week. I broke six months of not cutting or scratching, and scratched. That always sets my brian in a very dark place, and it takes me forever to get out. I feel like when I do that, I end up trapping myself in my mind. All this week, along with the other stresses and things compounding in, I feel like I haven't been myself. I've been feeling really negative and sad, and just out of it.

No more. I am getting out of my mind if it's the last thing I do.

But, you know what? Among all the stresses and negatives and bummers, I really do have a lot of good things that have happened and that I am thankful for. For one, my family has never once deserted me. For another, I have friends who listen, and one who was there when I really needed one this week and who has not blamed me for anything even though I'm pretty sure he could if he wanted to. I have a good job which is going to help me gain a new skill set that will help me down the road. And I have the ability to attend school, which a lot of young women in other countries still aren't allowed to do. These are things that I should never take for granted, and that I am so greatful for that I can't even express it.

Plus, there were some really good things this week, too. My friend and I went to see "Predators" last week, which was a lot of fun. I didn't realize that I needed to do something like that until we did it, and it was great. I took my sister out for sushi and shopping last week, which was also really nice. We try to do stuff like that on a regular basis because it gives us that time together and keeps us close. And my birthday was this week. I am now officially 20, which in all honesty, doesn't feel any different than 19 did. It was nice, though. I got to spend time with my family, which I love, and I was reminded yet again how blessed I am to have them. I also worked, which was fun. My friend and my boss both threatened to get the store to sing to me, which I'm really glad they didn't follow through cause I get embarrassed really easily and would've turned into a red puddle on the floor, so to speak.

So, it's not all bad. I just let things get to me. But not this week. This week, I am going to try to have a really positive attitude and to separate the different things so that they don't interfer with one another. And you know what? Things are going to work out. I know they always do. I just have to stick with it and throw my best foot forward, and stop complaining and stressing.

As I just read in my Bible (that's another thing - I've started reading it again, so it should help...), if God brings you to it, He also provides a way through it. I have to believe that more than I did.

And that, my Cyberland Readers, is your very long, moderately depressing, somewhat complaint filled, blog update for the day.

Until the next time,

~Birdgirl90

The Birthday Conundrum

I know I haven't posted anything here in a very long time, but today I realized something - in exactly two weeks, I'm going to be 19 years old. I do not know how I feel about this. I think that 19 feels a little anti-climatic in a way. You know, at 13 you're a teenager, 16 is "sweet", at 18 you can vote, and at 21 you can drink. But at 19, you're just kind of...there.

I think part of my problem is that the week of my birthday is going to be totally nuts. My birthday is on a Wedensday (did I even spell that right?), I have a major paper due in class on Thursday, and then on Friday I'm having all of my wisdome teeth removed. All of my friends that I would normally celebrate with are out of town and living in different states. And most likely my dad is going to have to work that night. Totally anti-climatic, right?

I almost feel like I'm getting old. I know that I'm not, but I've always been a lot older than most of my peers emotionally. When I hear what they are all doing, it makes me feel like the old lady in the group.

But, I'm actually pretty happy where I am right now, so I guess that it doesn't really matter. I have a pretty good relationship with my family, I'm starting to really take care of myself, and I'm putting myself through school. Granted, I have no idea what I want to do anymore with it, but it's a start. All in all, it's a pretty good place to be.

Four years ago, I was fifteen. I used to write Yu-Gi-Oh! and Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction, I used to never leave the house without black nailpolish and dark clothing, I wanted a boyfriend more than I could express, I hated school, and I used to swear like a sailor. Now, I write Star Trek fanfiction, I change my nailpolish every week or so and have some color in my wardrobe, I could care less about boys, I'm rather enjoying school, and I am much more lady like in my language. It's amazing what can change over time.

Four years from now, I hope to have a degree and a career. I hope to still be writing fanfiction for whatever craze I am in now, and I hope to possibly get married. Well, maybe not in four years, but eventually.

So here's to getting older. Let's hope that it is always an adventure, and that one day it won't be met with dread.

Cheers.