9:30 AM

The following is what I wrote this morning on my Microsoft Word:

Hello, dear readers.

Yet again, another delay in posting.  I think I don’t have any excuses, except perhaps the fact that I’ve been incredibly lazy this week. 

(No, seriously.  I haven’t made the bed, or done laundery, or really done anything except work, read, and knit. I’m not proud, but it is what it is.)

This morning was strange.  First of all, I decided to get on the scale.  I gained 0.4 pounds, which was a bit disappointing.  I know I can’t win all the time, but I wish I could.  As it stands, I’ve still lost over 14 pounds since April.  I now weigh what I weighed last summer.

Also, I woke up shaking so badly I could barely hold on to anything.  Mom wanted me to help her cut coupons, so I was attempting to use scissors and cut them out, but all of them were pretty rough. 

So naturally, mom thought it was my blood sugar.  I took it and was at 96, which is good for fasting.  I knew it wouldn’t be that.  The truth is, it’s a side effect of my anti anxiety medication.

The side effects have become increasingly worse since I’ve gone back to a full dose of the stuff.  The good news: My panic attacks are all but gone.

The bad news: I’m waking up every morning with shakes, I wake up at least 4 times a night, and I don’t really sleep anymore.

I’m trying to remember the last time I slept the entire night in a fullfilling sleep.  I think it’s been at least a month.  Granted, this week is strained because my boyfriend is out of town visiting friends and family and I’ve had to adjust to him not being here.  But even when he was here, I was still waking up at least twice a night.

It’s like I have to pick the  lesser of two evils.  I can have minimal side effects, but have regular panic attacks again, which is no way to live.  Or I can have major side effects, but be able to function most of the time.

I guess I don’t really need to sleep after all.

So after deducing that it was my meds, my blood sugar really did drop in a single swoop, leaving me with the familiar hot/clammy/jitter infested plummet.  One Coke later, and here I am, typing a pre blog on Microsoft Word because I know I won’t be able to upload it until later this afternoon.

It never ends.

Since my boyfriend has been out of town (it’ll be a week tomorrow, and then an extra week and a couple of days til he returns), I’ve been doing a lot of Meaghan things.  This includes knitting, reading (but not romances, cause those make me miss him more), going to work, meeting with friends, and hanging out with my family.  I’m also in the process of beating both Donkey Kong Country and Batman: Arkham Asylum.  I doubt I’ll have either done before he gets back, but they’re still fun to play.

I’m on chapter two of the novel I’m writing.  I’ve been trying to not be overly critical like I normally am with my writing.  So to achieve this, I haven’t been re-reading what I’ve written.  This means that when I pick it up to add to the next section, I read the last few sentences of the previous section and continue on.  It’s either going to prove to be brilliant (meaning I’ll actually finish my novel before the year is out) or it’s going to crash and burn like the plane in the opening of the Dark Knight Rises (if you haven’t seen it, then I didn’t spoil much – stuff always seems to explode in the beginnings of these movies).

Only time can tell.

And speaking of risks (which we were talking about, believe it or not), I’m taking a leap of faith with my business.  My mom has agreed to work for me.  We’re scouting out consignment places today, and hopefully will have this thing off the ground before the end of the month.  I don’t know how much I want to give away though.  I’m afraid to jinx it.

(Just know I am so thrilled about it that I can hardly contain myself.  With determination, luck, and hard work, I hope to one day open my own store front with this adventure.)

I know this is a long blog, but thank you for bearing with me.  There are so many things I’m trying to muddle through.  I feel like I can’t see straight at times.  But I know there’s a purpose for all of it, even if I can’t see it or understand it.

Thank you for listening, my dear readers.  Have a wonderful Wednesday.

~Meaghan

Tired.

I've been waking up at two and three in the morning fairly consistently the past week or two.  I wake up, realize that I either have to go to the bathroom or need to roll over, then take up to three hours to fall back asleep only to have to get up a few hours later. 

Last night was no exception.  Two am rolls around and poof.  I'm wide awake.

Yeah, it makes me tired.  I think it must just be because things are winding down and my brain is over compensating for it.  But really, it would be nice to have a night where I sleep the whole way through. 

So, I've noticed some side effects of the anti-depressant I'm taking.  It makes me very thirsty.  It also makes me less hungry.  (That could be a good thing.)  But the one that is bothering me is the nausea.  It makes me so sick to my stomach. 

I went out with my friend yesterday and we went to Red Robin.  I was eating cheese sticks and doing fine.  But five bites into my burger and it hit me.  I couldn't eat any more.  Same with dinner last night.  My friend is on similar medicine and has assured me that it will go away within two weeks. 

I really hope she's right.  The mental benefits are great, but the upset stomach needs to go.

Also, I'm dog sitting this weekend.  As it turns out, the dog has an aneurysm.  That explains the heavy panting, the seizures, the shaking, and the neurotic behavior.  She seemed happy this morning despite it all.  As long as she doesn't die on me, we shall all be good.

It's going to be a good weekend.

And on that note, I'm going to grab some breakfast.

~Meaghan

I Jinxed Myself.

I got all excited because I thought it was going to rain (I mean, it was sprinkling a little, that has to count for something here) and then it didn't.  What a bummer.

And then I got a crappy night's sleep because of it.  Or maybe it was all the Dr. Pepper I consumed yesterday.  (I'm a college student and I'm officially addicted to caffine or however you spell it.  Coffee? Check.  Soda?  Oh yes.  Chocolate?  Are you kidding?  Of course!)

Whatever it was, I could not sleep last night to save my life.  It's like when you spend the night at a friends house and they have a loud furnace.  Now, you're used to having very little noise in your home, but because of your friend's furnace, their place makes a ton of noise.  So every little sound wakes you up through out the night.  It's like sleeping on pins and needles - you're just waiting for a noise to come on and wake you up by the end.

And then when you do get up, you feel like you haven't slept in over a week.  Your neck is stiff, your head is ringing, and yet you are oddly awake and ready to go.

That is how I feel this morning.  I really wanted to sleep until like nine, but it is not going to happen.  And now I have to face my day feeling like something the cat dragged in.  Blargh.

Oh, so you guys know how I updated my Myspace page?  It's something I do like every two or three years at this rate, right?  Well, now I keep getting friend requests from random people on there.  Seriously.  Complete strangers want to be my "friends" now. 

I don't mind if you guys want to be my friends, but let me know where you know me from.  It can be from here, or from school, or from when I lived in a different state, etc.  Just let me know.  Because if I don't know where you're coming from or why you want to be my "friend", I'm not going to accept the request.  It is just the way I am.

I have to write this rough draft for Thursday in my English class.  It's an argumentative paper, the one I'm doing on the holidays.  I have to have a working thesis for Tuesday.  I was thinking that I could just do the thesis today and then get the rough draft written on like, oh say, Wednesday. 

Yeah, at two in the morning I realized: that's not going to work.  In order to have a good, solid "working" thesis, I need to write the rough draft first.  Because, as with my History class last semester and with my Bio class the spring before, thesis statements change when you write the paper.

(This is why I prefer creative writing over normal English.  Yes, there are rules and guidelines, but you don't have to write thesis statements, abstracts, headings, and citations.  Citing drives me insane.  Thesis statements just confuse me.  And abstracts?  You tell the reader what you're going to tell them in the paper, then you tell them in the paper, and then you summarize what you just told them.  No thank you.  I'll stick to my character developement, thanks.)

Of course, realizing things at that time is a dangerous thing anyway.  Mainly because your mind is in a weird state of being.  Have you ever noticed that?  At odd hours in the morning, things that are stupid and lame seem hilarious.  Things that are normal seem terrifying.  It's amazing to me how the brain reacts.

Oh! And another thing I was thinking about at two or three or whatever time it was this morning: I get a new license this summer.

That's right.  I turn twenty one this July.  Which means several things. 

1. I'm getting older and my acne should, in theory, go away. (Whoever said it was a teenage condition should be shot.  Just saying.)

2. I'm going to be able to legally drink, gamble, sign a contract, and get my own apartment (if I was working and not in school).

3. My license will be sideways (horizontal) instead of up and down (vertical), which means my friends can't give me hard time any more about which way mine goes.  (Long story short, one of my "friends" came to me for relationship advice - which, why me I don't know, cause I've never dated anyone - and then told me she sometimes forgot I was younger than her by like two years.  The license thing came up; it was actually kind of funny at the time...)

4. I can get a better picture on my license.  I was 18 when I got my current license and the lady said something before she took the picture - I think it was "smile" or something along those lines.  I asked her what she said just as she took the picture.  So yeah.  My mouth is open and I look like a deer in the headlights.

It's rather exciting.  I got my current license on Halloween back in 2008, cause I'm awesome like that.  This time, I have to get it before the middle of August, cause it expires a month after my birthday.  Oddly enough, my sister is going to be 18 this spring.  That freaks me out a little.  She's my younger sister; I want to know where the time went.

Oh well.  It's an adventure, isn't it?  Life.  I'm trying to be more positive, more happy, more optimistic.  I think I'm getting there.  Although, I did spent part of this weekend toying with the idea of skipping English class on Tuesday and instead just wasting time until my Psychology class.

Did I tell you guys about the crappy group experience I had on Thursday?  I'll spare the details cause it's over and done, but the gist of it was that my group didn't want to work.  I ended up typing the assignment up and as I was doing so, one of the girls in particular kept nit picking at my stuff.  It was awful.  Honestly, I don't care for group work to begin with.  I would much rather just do it myself.

But I won't skip.  I won't go in late.  I'll step up to the plate and take it like a woman.   Besides, what can they honestly do to me?  Nothing. 

Ok, I'm getting off.  I need to get this day snowballing.  Homework, going out with my friend, and I think I'm supposed to call the skating rink to get info for lessons.  Wish me luck!

Until the next time, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Heart Burn and Nerves and Sleep Deprevation...

...Oh My!
Hello again, dear readers.  Yet another blog update.  Aren't you proud of me for not keeping you in the lurch for long, gapping periods of time like I did last year?

(No, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to.  It's perfectly ok.  I promise.)

Anyway.

So I have to be honest for a moment (but really, when am I ever not?): I am exhausted.  I think I got a total of like five hours of sleep last night. 

And before you ask, no, I wasn't writing my awesome story.  I wish I had been. 

Instead, it was my heart burn kicking into over drive.

You see, dear readers, I am the kind of person who takes a lot of stress onto themselves.  I've heard it called the "oldest child syndrom", but really, I just want to take care of everyone.  I want to support my parents and protect my sister and be there when friends need me.  Plus, I have a tendency to stress needlessly about things I really don't have any control over, like final grades in school.  School, as much as I love it, is a huge point of stress for me.  I get nervous before class, especially when a new semester is about to start and I'm not sure I'll know anyone. 

I range from introverted to extroverted, and both come out when I'm at school.  It can be a blessing and a curse, let me tell ya.

I realize that a lot of what I worry about is senseless, and that it's out of my hands most of the time, but I still get anxious.  Granted, I'm getting better about it, but it appears that the damage has already been done.

I get heart burn now on a regular basis; so far, I've had it almost every day for nearly five weeks.  Sometimes it's really mild and I'm able to just drink some water to get it to leave.  Other days, it's much worse and nothing works - not water, not dairy, not Tums.  I've tried vinegar water; I've tried sleeping elevated and on my left side.  It's really bad.  I am actually getting to a point where I can't drink Coke because it causes it to flair up.

It woke me up this morning at about 2 am thinking I was dying.  I was unable to go back to sleep until close to 5 am, only to get up again about 8 am to do laundry. Not okay with me.  Not okay at all.

I'm actually going to start researching tea for this very problem.  I want to see if there is anything I can drink to ail my problems, such as the heart burn and the trouble sleeping; I like tea, so it shouldn't be a hardship.  So far I know that peppermint is good for the stomach.  I just need to know if there are any others that could help.  Then I need to test them.  I promise to report back with any important findings.

(I'm also calling the doctor on Monday.  I kept pushing it off because I hate going to the doctor.  But I don't think I can push it off any longer; my mom and sister both think I've developed an ulcer.  I really hope they're wrong.  I'll keep you guys posted.  And please, don't worry, ok?  I think I may just have acid reflux or something...)

So anyway, I'm kind of tired today.  It leaves me prone to things, like thinking too much about my story.  I can't write if I think too hard about it.  That's not the way I function.  Blah.

On a happy note, I am at over 1300 words now on this new story project.  That's pretty good.  I really want to see it through to the end.  I hardly ever finish any stories; I write them in spurts and leave them to rot.  Or ripen, depending on how you want to look at it.  This one is different; I feel potential.  I feel like it is going to be a good story, and that it will also make a good movie script.

Not to be overly ambitious or anything, but it never hurts to aim high.  I'd rather aim high and fail than not aim at all.

But we shall see.  My goal is to have it done by the end of the summer.  I think I can pull it off.  I really do.

On an entirely different note, I have seven movies to watch before Friday.  That's when they are due to their respective libraries.  I finished one yesterday.  It's called "the Jacket" and was fantastic.  I wasn't really sure I was going to like it, but I loved it.  It's about a war vetern from the gulf war who gets put into this center for delusional criminals for a crime he didn't commit but can't remember.  Through the experimental treatment they perform on him (they basically bind him in a straight jacket, load him with drugs, and then put him in a body drawer - I know, I cringed too...) he discovers he can time travel from the now (it's nearly 1993 at the beginning of the movie) to the future (2007). 

It was amazingly well done.  The script was fantastic;  I am a fan of books and scripts with well written plots and rounded, developed characters who you can watch grow.  The one thing that I thought was going to turn me off of it was the fact that Keira Knightley is in it.  Nothing against her, but the only other thing I had seen her in was "Pirates of the Carribean", and I felt she kind of fell short there. 

Here was a different story.  I felt her acting was spot on and I could really sympathize with her character even though I had mixed feelings about her.  Adrien Brody was also in it as the main character, Jack, as was Kris Kristofferson. (I love pronouncing his name; it almost jingles...)

 I did feel extrememly uncomfortable the first time Jack got shoved in the body drawer, but I'm pretty sure that was what they wanted.  All in all, it was the kind of movie that I could not stop watching and that I would totally watch again.

Which means I have six more movies to watch before Friday.  I want to try to get through all of them before Tuesday, just because I have school on Tuesday.  And no, I probably will not be doing movie reviews of any more of them unless they are over-the-top amazing.

Did this blog make sense?  I'm so tired I don't even remember what we started with.

Time to go look up tea.

~Meaghan

Wow

So now I'm thinking about getting an Associates degree and then transfering to CSU to study Biology and English so that I can become a high school teacher. Everything seems to be falling into place at this point, which is neat except for the fact that it's like one of those cartoons of a snowball rolling down the mountain, gaining speed and causing an avalanche that sweeps up the unsuspecting skier.

I put myself in the position of the person skiing. Even though I don't ski. Ever.

Um, so that basically means that while everything is happening very quickly for the better and I'm excited about it, the whole thing is also very exhausting and I'm tired. I haven't slept well in over two weeks, just because the change is hitting me like a mac truck and my dreams are really turbulent. I'd be happy with a nice night of good sleep for once - one with not sleeping heavily in one position or the opposite of waking up every few hours to roll over, and one where my dreams are a lot less odd.

I do have to say that odd dreams have a plus side to them, which is that while they drain me of decent sleep, they also give me something to think about during the day and possible story ideas.

However, decent sleep sounds really good right now.

One an entirely different note...

I've been watching a lot of videos on youtube lately. I found these two guys that I just love to pieces now; their videos really make me laugh because of the topics and stuff. I don't know if it's just because I'm like almost 19 and so the humor really hits my age group or if I'm really weird. Anway, the first guy is called Mitchell Davis and you can follow this link to get to his station:

http://www.youtube.com/user/livelavalive?blend=1&ob=4

I have to warn you, he is very, very random. Which is what makes him good, in my opinion.

The other person is Shane Dawson, who keeps me in stitches. He is cool and asks for feedback on almost all of his videos. Here's how to get to his station:

http://www.youtube.com/user/shanedawsontv?blend=1&ob=4

That's how I've been spending my free time. Well, that and knitting up a storm and spending waaaay too much time on facebook. Lol. I'm enjoying my freedom before school starts in the next few weeks.

So there you go, blog followers. My life in a nutshell. I'll update again in a bit.

Later!