Need Some Gift Ideas?

Hi there, dear readers!

I've done it.  I've opened a small craft operation on Etsy selling my knitted goods.  Here's all you need if you're interested.

On Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/#!/BirdiesBoutique

On Etsy:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/birdiesboutique2012

Feel free to give it a whirl. :)

Next entry will be more interesting, I promise. I'm just tired of staring at my computer screen today.

~Meaghan

Holes

I woke up this morning, my dear readers, and had a bit of a surprise.  Not a good surprise, either. 

My favorite pair of knitted socks - the ones made last year with an autumn colorway of Koigu hand painted merino wool - has a hole in them.

Not like a little hole I can fix, either.  Like, a hole that requires making a new pair of socks.

(Which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't lost the urge to knit for a few days.  Eventually this problem will be fixed and I'll be knitting again, but for now, I'm on a break.)

The whole thing - no pun intended - got me thinking.

Everything is made to wear out. 

Think about it.  Shoes wear out.  Socks wear out.  Animals and people wear out.  Furniture wears out.  Floors wear out.

And it goes beyond that.  Relationships get old and wear out.  Friendships get worn out.  Jobs and homes and families sometimes wear out.

Nothing is permanent.

But that's part of the beauty of it.  While they wear out, they usually just change.  Sometimes a friendship falls apart and a new one replaces it.  Sometimes a relationship wears out and becomes better for it.  Sometimes a job ends and a better one comes along.

Nothing is permanent.  Nothing here on Earth lasts forever.

No error is eternal.  No argument goes on for ever.  No mispoken word or wrong action will last. 

Instead, we learn from it.  We grow from it.  We let it fade and make new marks.

We weave new yarns together, so to speak.

And I, for one, am glad of that.

~Meaghan

Faith Without Dogma

I had a bit of a revelation this week, dear readers, and I've given it some serious thought before presenting it here.

I accepted Jesus.  I asked him to take over for me.  I had a conversation with God, if you will.  I felt the love, I felt the compassion, and I am so ready to be passing it on to others.

But there's a glitch in the system.  Maybe it's just me, maybe it's the whole system, maybe it's not a glitch at all.

I....have a mixed faith.

I believe in Jesus.  I believe in Grace.  I believe in the Christian view of compassion and love and caring for one another.

I don't believe in hell.  I don't believe in an angry God. I don't believe in strict rules with immediate punishment.

Which isn't to say I don't believe in evil.  I am very aware that there is evil in the world.  I see it every time I turn on the news and someone has been hurt by another for any given reason.  I see it every time a young person takes their life because they have been tormented for too long.  I see it every time there is war coverage.

I just don't see how there can be a hell for eternity.  That's all.

I still practice and love aspects of Wicca.  I love the respect and love for nature.  I love the energy that I can feel in my very veins.  I love the blessing of homes and of others.  I love the embracing of the feminine nature and of female energy.  I find it empowering and beautiful.

I still meditate sometimes.  I pray constantly.  I talk directly to God without going through saints or priests or mediators.  I still read everything I can get my hands onto.  I refuse to be narrow.

I believe in faith without dogma, in God without religion, in love and grace without exceptions.

By many definitions, I am not allowed to be called a Christian even though I accepted Jesus as my way.  Even though I've always talked with God and done what felt right in my gut.  Even though the Grace aspect comes from Jesus.

And in many ways, I am still conflicted about that, about names, about straight lines and fine print.  About the fact that I have to "define" myself through my personal journey.

Maybe it's no one's business.  Maybe it's just me, making it harder than it is, trying to voice what I can't understand, trying to understand a force and being that is beyond any of our mortal thoughts.

But I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, there's some truth in there.  That if we were to stop pointing fingers and judging those around us, if we were to stop insisting that we are always the right ones and they (whoever the they may be) are the wrong ones, if we were to stop insisting in punishment if you don't belive one certain way,  that maybe we could focus on loving our fellow men and women.

 That maybe, we can focus on doing the right thing, on helping those who need us, on remembering to say a quiet prayer for those on the street corners and the woman in line behind us in the grocery store.

I am by no means an expert.  And maybe I'm wrong. I suspect there are many that think I am.  That's okay with me.

But I'm going to do exactly what I think.  No dogma, no pegging into holes, no pointing fingers. 

I'm going to love with my arms open and greet the new day without holding back from here on.  I will reflect that love, the love without a name, the love too great for me to even begin to explain. 

Will you join me?


~Meaghan

Well It's About Time

Am I right, or am I right? 

You know, we actually had the conversation about getting internet in our apartment again.  And my lovely boyfriend surprised me by turning out to be against it. 

Not having internet is all well and good.  I mean, I get a lot of other things done, like knitting and design projects.  I read a lot more.  I clean a lot more.  And I play my violin more, which is good.  (More on that in a few paragraphs, dear readers.)

But when it comes to updating my blog or anything else online, I'm really not motivated to pack my computer up and go somewhere with internet.  Today I'm at the library, so it worked out well.  I just find I have less motivation to turn my computer on.  It's odd.

So, as I've said before, that's why the long gaps between posts now.

Oi. Freaking. Vey.

Well, let's do this.

My mom's younger, estranged brother landed in the hospital due to his alcoholic tendencies.  They weren't sure he was going to pull through, but what do you know?  He did.  Then her best friend since high school was diagnosed with a very deadly form of breast cancer.  On top of that, my sister is going through a really hard break up of sorts with this guy she works with who is also ten years older than her but acts like a 12 year old sometimes.

It's been an interesting month, let's just say that.

I quit my job.  Yup.  Flat out quit.  I finally decided that working in dead end retail where I was talked down to by my boss and co-workers and where I could feel my brain melting out of my skull wasn't worth it. 

So what am I doing, besides the plethora of knitting designs and the occasional poem?

I'm teaching violin lessons.

I had two students, but the one I've had for over a year decided to quit.  It was a bit of a blow.  Out of the blue, I swear.  I had no idea.  (I'm trying not to take it personally, though it kind of feels that way.)

I've been thinking about going back to school.  I like to learn, I like to read, I like to broaden my horizons.  The only problem is what I would do.  I have an associates degree in creative writing.  Which was fun, but it really isn't what I want to do with my life.  I'm still feeling burned out from the classes and critics and everything else.

My original major was biology.  I had wanted to either go into astronomy or ornothology, the study of birds.  When I was a young teenager, I volunteered at this place called the World Bird Sanctuary and loved every minute of it.  The barn owl on the page cover was my baby, Tobin; when my family moved to Colorado when I was 15, they let me hold him on  my last day. 

(Sadly, he has passed on, but I will never forget him.)

So there's interest in going to school to get my science degree.  Maybe environmental studies?  I've been toying with the idea for a few months.

But then, I'm also really interested in religious studies.  I love reading about the different religions and cultures and faiths.  I like finding similarities and differences among them.  So maybe I would minor in that?

Another thing - what about textile designs?  Color and creation are a core part of who I am.  I live to create new knitted items.  And I love playing with patterns.

Ugh.  I don't know.  More thought, then narrow down, then enroll. That's what I'm thinking.

That really does sum up just about everything.  I'm thinking I'll try to fix my Twitter so I can actually log in again.

Until the next time, my dear readers.  Thank you for your constant patience.

~Meaghan

9:30 AM

The following is what I wrote this morning on my Microsoft Word:

Hello, dear readers.

Yet again, another delay in posting.  I think I don’t have any excuses, except perhaps the fact that I’ve been incredibly lazy this week. 

(No, seriously.  I haven’t made the bed, or done laundery, or really done anything except work, read, and knit. I’m not proud, but it is what it is.)

This morning was strange.  First of all, I decided to get on the scale.  I gained 0.4 pounds, which was a bit disappointing.  I know I can’t win all the time, but I wish I could.  As it stands, I’ve still lost over 14 pounds since April.  I now weigh what I weighed last summer.

Also, I woke up shaking so badly I could barely hold on to anything.  Mom wanted me to help her cut coupons, so I was attempting to use scissors and cut them out, but all of them were pretty rough. 

So naturally, mom thought it was my blood sugar.  I took it and was at 96, which is good for fasting.  I knew it wouldn’t be that.  The truth is, it’s a side effect of my anti anxiety medication.

The side effects have become increasingly worse since I’ve gone back to a full dose of the stuff.  The good news: My panic attacks are all but gone.

The bad news: I’m waking up every morning with shakes, I wake up at least 4 times a night, and I don’t really sleep anymore.

I’m trying to remember the last time I slept the entire night in a fullfilling sleep.  I think it’s been at least a month.  Granted, this week is strained because my boyfriend is out of town visiting friends and family and I’ve had to adjust to him not being here.  But even when he was here, I was still waking up at least twice a night.

It’s like I have to pick the  lesser of two evils.  I can have minimal side effects, but have regular panic attacks again, which is no way to live.  Or I can have major side effects, but be able to function most of the time.

I guess I don’t really need to sleep after all.

So after deducing that it was my meds, my blood sugar really did drop in a single swoop, leaving me with the familiar hot/clammy/jitter infested plummet.  One Coke later, and here I am, typing a pre blog on Microsoft Word because I know I won’t be able to upload it until later this afternoon.

It never ends.

Since my boyfriend has been out of town (it’ll be a week tomorrow, and then an extra week and a couple of days til he returns), I’ve been doing a lot of Meaghan things.  This includes knitting, reading (but not romances, cause those make me miss him more), going to work, meeting with friends, and hanging out with my family.  I’m also in the process of beating both Donkey Kong Country and Batman: Arkham Asylum.  I doubt I’ll have either done before he gets back, but they’re still fun to play.

I’m on chapter two of the novel I’m writing.  I’ve been trying to not be overly critical like I normally am with my writing.  So to achieve this, I haven’t been re-reading what I’ve written.  This means that when I pick it up to add to the next section, I read the last few sentences of the previous section and continue on.  It’s either going to prove to be brilliant (meaning I’ll actually finish my novel before the year is out) or it’s going to crash and burn like the plane in the opening of the Dark Knight Rises (if you haven’t seen it, then I didn’t spoil much – stuff always seems to explode in the beginnings of these movies).

Only time can tell.

And speaking of risks (which we were talking about, believe it or not), I’m taking a leap of faith with my business.  My mom has agreed to work for me.  We’re scouting out consignment places today, and hopefully will have this thing off the ground before the end of the month.  I don’t know how much I want to give away though.  I’m afraid to jinx it.

(Just know I am so thrilled about it that I can hardly contain myself.  With determination, luck, and hard work, I hope to one day open my own store front with this adventure.)

I know this is a long blog, but thank you for bearing with me.  There are so many things I’m trying to muddle through.  I feel like I can’t see straight at times.  But I know there’s a purpose for all of it, even if I can’t see it or understand it.

Thank you for listening, my dear readers.  Have a wonderful Wednesday.

~Meaghan

Weight Loss, the Ravellenics, and More!

Hi again, dear readers!

So the Ravellenics has kicked off and I am so excited to be part of it.  The cowl I started last night for it looks so beautiful so far.  I didn't know I would be so excited by the yarn.  It's Amazing by Lion Brand yarn, in the colorway Ruby.  So awesome.

My weight loss is coming along.  Back in April I weighed by heaviest: a whopping 217 lbs.  That's way too much on a build like mine.  My doctor recommened a few weeks ago that I go on a 1500 calorie diet.  I've been taking her advice and have been using an app on my phone to help me keep track of my calories each day.

It's amazing to me how quick the calories add up when you eat junk, but how much food you can eat if you eat good stuff.  Like, five of the gummy apple rings I love so much are 120 calories.  But for 120 calories, I can have half a cup of cottage cheese and almost half a cup of cantelope.  Mind boggling!

So far it's been working though.  I am happy to report that as of yester day, I weight 207.8 lbs.  My boyfriend has helped by motivating me as well.  As soon as I lose ten more pounds, I'll weigh what I did when we met.  When I get there, he's going to get me all the stuff to make this, somehting I've been wanting to make for a while.  He's also going to take me to a nice dinner. :)

Finally, I'm working on hammering out the kinks starting my own business.  It's got a ways to go, but I think the first step is going to be doing consignment this fall with my mom.  We're going to see about sell our yarn crafts at a consignment store.  I'm starting to stockpile at the moment.  (My cowl for the Ravellenics is going to be one of the things to go in.)

As you can see it's been very busy here.  Couple that with working five days a week, and I just don't have the crazy energy to blog.

I will do my best to keep you posted as things continue to work out, though.

~Meaghan

Prayers for Aurora

I know it's been a while, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks, and honestly, I didn't feel like posting.  Colorado has been through so much - I was at a different cinema with my boyfriend when the shooting took place during the Batman movie, but I had a friend who was in theater 8.  She's safe, but it's been pretty rough cause that's all the news talks about, and it did hit so close to home.

Prayers to all the victims and families.  I can't even imagine their loss.  The fact that it could have happened in our cinema makes me shake.  The fact that I had a friend in theater 8, and a friend who would have been in theater 9 had she decided to go (she was on the wall about it the week before), makes me queasy.

I think it shows that no matter what, you aren't safe anywhere.  So why hold back?  The one thing this tragedy should teach us all is that we need to live as if this day is our last.  Love no matter what.  Do the things that we think we can't.  Try what we've always dreamed of. 

And don't fear.  Never fear.  If we are afraid, then the gunmen in the world win.  The bad guys win.  And we can't let that happen.

So live life, my dear readers.  Live it without fear.  And please.  Keep Colorado in your prayers.

~Meaghan