Thursday, January 29, 2009

I went into the Valentine's Day isle at Walmart today...

I have to be honest - I have two very distinct feelings directed towards Valentine's Day.

The first feeling is, depending upon my mood, "aww, that's cute". I think it's sweet that we have a day where everyone can remember their loved ones in life and whatever. It is kind of cute, in an obnoxiously pink sort of way. And the chocolate always goes on sale as it gets closer to the day (as well as for about a week or so after wards), which makes it easier to stock up on it.

The second feeling I have directed towards Valentine's Day is "Oh, my God, that is disgusting". The marketing end of it starts before the New Year even really begins anymore and is loaded with sickeningly sweet pinks, reds, mushy cards, and stuff toys. Like I said before, I like the concept of remembering those we love, but honestly - do we seriously have to make it such a commercialized affair? All it succeeds in doing is making those in a relationship feel obligated to buy over priced things for their partner, and it makes those of us who are single feel like there is something wrong with us for not being in a relationship even though we know there isn't .

Plus I think a lot of people miss the point, which is that St. Valentine's Day is really about the death of a martyr, who probably died in some grotesque manner as a crowd of people watched.

Puts it in a new light, doesn't it?

Anyway, those are my complaints about Valentine's Day. I do have to say, however, that while being bombarded with pink lovey-dovey things today, I felt the over whelming urge to bake cupcakes with little pink hearts on them. Maybe I'll make some on Friday the 13th (how awsome is that, by the way?) and take them into work. We'll see.

Until next time, Cyberland.


"Why are you so far away, she said/
And won't you ever know/
That I'm in love with you/
That I'm in love with you."
- The Cure
"Just Like Heaven"

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Nail polish fumes apparently drive mom crazy

I decided about ten minutes ago to paint my nails purple (my current favorite color) while surfing the internet. So as I write this, I actually have wet nails. I'm pretty sure that is not a smart idea, but I'm also not really sure I care at the moment....

Anyway, mom just walked over here and opened the sliding door. It seems that while I can't tell the amount of fumes my nail polish has given off, she most definately can. The funny thing was that the moment she mentioned it, I began to smell the nail polish fumes. Isn't it funny how the human mind works?

That's about it. I actually got motivated and helped clean around the apartment, but I'll be honest and say that I really don't want to do anything but go back to bed. The fact that I painted my nails says that I'm trying. However, I'm not wearing any makeup, which means that this is the second day in a row that I haven't spent hardly any time with my appearance. See how bad the slump is? But I'll keep pulling on. It's bound to get better.

And that is your blog entry for the day.


"Hollywood hills and suburban thrills/
Hey, who are you kidding?/
I'm not like them, I won't buy it."
- The Academy Is...
"Slow Down"

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Writer's block has attacked again.

Hi. I have no idea what I'm writing about today, as I seem to have developed writer's block for about the millionth time in the past, oh, five months. I know, I know - I hate it too. So I'm doing what a wise man (my dad) once told me to do, which is to write even when I have no inspiration whatsoever.

I always feel really bad when I get writer's block, because I have so many projects that I'm working on and I don't feel like working on any of them. There's Dereck and Brie (that whole story plot has evolved and is going to require a lot of re-planning), my somewhat decent poetry that I'm trying to compile, a bunch of random scrabbles that I've played around with, and this other project I started in the world of Fanfiction for a show called "Jane and the Dragon". (It's a kid's show on Qubo - yes, I realize I'm a nerd, but I also work with little kids, so give me some credit here - about a 12 year old girl who wants to be a knight in the middle ages. She also has a dragon who helps her along the way, as well as some friends who are all very well developed characters. If you haven't watched it, go look it up on youtube or at the library.)

Anyway, with so many projects going on, you would think I would be completely in my element. Well, for the most part I am. But then the writer's block attacks. I always know when it's going to start to rear it's ugly head because it starts with me becoming a giant perfectionist. Some days when I'm writing, I'm able to just sit down and get all of the concepts out of my head onto paper without even thinking about it or being critical of them. But when writer's block starts to show, I begin to get very nit-picky about things (I even go so far as to critic my handwriting or typing style as I go) and I have to stop what I'm doing.

Then comes the not wanting to do anything stage, which is where I basically put things on a shelf and try to not thing about them. Or I think about them - the plots, the settings, the characters, etc. - and get excited but feel the lack of motivation to put the words on paper. I think I used to go through notebooks like you would not believe. Now, though, I have about five completely untouched notebooks and about five partially used notebooks.

The sad thing is that the writer's block is really just part of a bigger problem, which is that I as an individual just get swamped with anxiety and stress. Even as I write this, I'm trying to remember the last time I slept the whole night without nightmares or waking up at odd hours. I think I had a day a few weeks ago where I did, but I slept so heavily that I was tired when I woke up.

The really, really sad thing is that I'm not the only one in my family struggling with things. We are all concerned about my dad's job security and the crashing economy. My sister is in constant stress trying to keep her grades good. Plus we are down to one car, which is crazy; my mom drives all of us everywhere (Katie and I are really busy - school for her, work for me, extra activities for both of us - and dad still works two jobs), which means she has to get up at like 5 and doesn't get to go to bed until after 11 at night. So I really shouldn't complain about being tired.

And the other night I finally crashed, and then woke up at 12:30 not being able to breathe. The funny thing is that my stress chooses to come to the forefront with issues that are so small compared to the rest that if I wasn't so worried, I would laugh about. Like relationships or writer's block or the fact that my room is a mess and my computer always runs slow. Small, insignificant issues. Really, I think that what happens is I get really stressed out about the big things and the only way I can deal is to take it out on the small things.

I have to say that college is right now on my mind. I'm going in March to take a tour of the campus and pre-enroll in classes. I'm very excited about it. I think the only thing that worries me is how much it's going to cost and how we are going to pay for it. If I had been smart and actually applied myself in high school, I could have graduated with close to a 4.0 and would have more opportunites for scholarships. Instead I slacked because I didn't care. It looks like I'm probably going to have to take out student loans...

But enough about it, I have whined more than enough. And I got way off topic. Sorry, folks, I really need to work on that. The good news about this super whiney blog? I think it might have helped cure my writer's block. If you have made it this far in reading, I applaud your dedication and can assure you that the next update will be much more interesting of a read.

Until we meet again,

Birdgirl90 aka Meaghan

"Need a bed to lay my body on/
Deadweight to carry down/
Some static is lulling me to sleep/
Hang your clothes on a chainlink fence/
In a junkyard, say Amen/
Your mouth is full of wordless hymns/
And run on sentences."
- Beck

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I just might have to start wearing my coat...

Well, the weather people kind of hit it and kind of missed it. It did, indeed, give us just enough snow earlier in the week for a "dusting". However, they said it was supposed to be 40 today and instead it never broke 18 degrees.

I have to be honest. I don't wear coats. I have a really warm, heavy coat that I could wear as well as thick, warm gloves, but I unless I am freezing, I won't wear it. Instead, I tend to favor a nice, warm hoodie. Ah, the hoodie - quite possibly one of the best pieces of clothing ever and a staple for every wardrobe. Currently I am wearing a To Write Love On Her Arms hoodie that says "Love is the Movement". I got it at Hot Topic (I love that store) and it is so comfortable that I hate taking it off. And the proceeds went to a good cause (TWLOHA).

Anyway, nothing overly exciting is going on. My life feels like a slight soap opera because of relationships (why do boys have to be so confusing and why do I have to make things more complicated than they already are???), but other than that it's pretty quiet.

I'll keep you guys (whoever actually reads this boring thing I call my blog) in the loop. If anything exciting happens, you'll be one of the first to know.

- Birdgirl90 aka Meaghan

Thursday, January 22, 2009

It's a little random, but you already knew that...

Yesterday, in the Denver, CO. region, it was a beautiful near 70 degrees. The sun was up, the sky was blue, and it was just gorgeous. How often does that happen in the middle of January? I swear, if the weather could stay like that or similar year round, I would be an incredibly happy camper. So what did I do yesterday?

I stayed inside and burned a couple of CDS for my sister and her friend that I was supposed to do around Christmas time, and then I went to work. That's right. I was going to go outside to walk or whatever, but had no energy and ran out of time. And I have no one to blame for that but me.

So what is the weather going to do today? Right now it's overcast. Apparently it's going to snow tonight into tomorrow. My mom said not to worry, the weather guys were all saying that it's only going to be a dusting. Let's think about this for a moment: shortly after moving out here, they all said that we were only going to get like, oh, six inches? We got about two or three feet, got seriously snowed in, had special warnings and stuff from the governor, and made the national news.

A dusting.... We will see what that really means.

I'm sitting here, typing my blog while listening to my iPod ("Youthless" by Beck, if you were curious, followed by "Don't Look Back In Anger" by Oasis) and I just realized something. Earbuds are incredibly loud when you are the only one home and there is no other noise. Now, mom just got home a few minutes ago, but before that I had my iPod set on the lowest sound setting and I felt like it was just pounding in my ears at a deafing volume. Now that there are other noises, it feels better. But still.... That's pretty good.

I have to admit that I typically have to buy new earbuds about once every four months or so, just because I like to hear the bass line sometimes and that usually ends with me blasting one or both ear phones out. I know - I'm going to be deaf by the time I'm forty. But it is so totally worth it. And I don't do it too often.

And that is the very random blog for the day. No idea what when or what I'll be writing about next, but it's sure to be entertaining. My poor diary hasn't been updated since September, I've been putting everything in here....

Birdgirl90 aka Meaghan

Monday, January 19, 2009

I finally found a station on the radio I like again...

I have to be honest - my relationship with the radio has been an interesting one.

When I was younger, I never listened to the radio. Then I discovered the British invasion of the 60s and was glued to the oldies station for the longest time. One day around the time I was 13, I got bored and began what would become a typical thing for me - radio surfing. It was then that I was exposed to the modern music scene and my musical tastes began to expand. I would have about five stations that I listened to, from classic rock to stuff from the 80s to modern rock to alternative.

And then we moved to Colorado and I had to rediscover stations all over again, which was really exciting for me. I found a handful of stations that I enjoyed and could flip between (this way I avoid commercials on the radio). But then I noticed something...

All the radio stations play the same songs by the same artists over and over and over again! Plus, the oldies station is now considering the 80s to be included with the Beatles. Which they hardly ever play, I might add.

So I got bored and stopped listening to the radio for almost all of last year. I listened to and videos on youtube and used iTunes to help me find new stuff (like the Bravery and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs). Plus I began to see what everyone around me was listening to. And I discovered that I enjoy listening to bands that people are like "Huh?" when I ask them if they've heard of the group.

And then the amazing thing. I turned on the radio for the first time in a long time last week. And I heard more of the same on most of the stations, with the exception of one - the independent alternative station, aka the indie station. I have been listening to it almost non-stop.

I have to say, radio and I are now getting along again in a way. I still don't like a lot of the main stream stations except for maybe one or two, but I love this indie station. I think that listening to music by people outside the main or the know is great. It increases your music taste and makes you better for it.

So that is the story of me and the radio and our love/hate relationship.

Until next time,

Friday, January 16, 2009

I forgot to mention somethings...

Sorry, I forgot to add some things...

Better judgement has reached me and I've decided to not go on the ski retreat I was talking about a week or two ago. My hatred of snow has won. I also forgot to add that while I am currently listed as "undecided" for college, I am actually leaning towards an English major with a teaching degree. And finally, (on a really random tangent that may be kind of dumb to some of you) my hair now looks like cherry cola with faint purple in it. I think that when this dye comes completely out, I'm going to go dark red like the lead singer of Paramore. Or I may do this color again (I really like it).

Now, carry on with whatever you were about to go do and I'll write again soon.

I'm soo excited!!

I'm going to start this blog entry by saying that my week has been rather good. For multiple reasons, including but not limited to, college, a new story idea, the fact that my current favorite band did not disband or die over the last year, and some new realizations about myself. Let's start with what made me write this blog.

So I was doing the rounds on various websites I go to on a fairly regular basis and I decided to pop over to the Bravery's website. I hadn't been there in a while,(the last time I was there, it hadn't been updated since July), so I wasn't really expecting anything. Low and behold, to my incredible surprise, it was updated!

And not only updated, I might add, but filled with a blog entry about how the guys are working on album number three! I admit that I didn't discover them until iTunes back in November, but they have quickly become one of my favorite groups since the Beatles. Granted, there are some songs I can't stand by them ("Every Word is a Knife in My Ear" and "Rites of Spring" [which I listen to sometimes because I can't decide if I like it or not] to name some of them), but the majority of the music is good. And I should know this, because I am musically inclined. (After playing the violin for almost ten years, I have some knowledge of the way things flow...) That's what I love about the Bravery - every aspect of rock is given a moment to shine. I especially love the drums and bass. Amazing. One of the best modern groups ever.

So the prospect of a new album made my day.

The next thing that I am both very excited about and equally frightened about at the same time involves college. I made my appointment to tour the campus (Fort Hays State University in Hays, Kansas) in March and after seeing the residental halls and various other things of interest on campus, I am going to be meeting with a counselor and someone from admissions to pre-enroll in classes.

I am excited because after staying home an extra year (I graduated high school from homeschool last summer), I am finally at a point in my life where I feel as though I can move out and not have to worry about whether or not I can trust myself to take care of myself. The whole reason I stayed home the extra year and got a job was that I felt like my self-injurious tendencies were still ruling me and I didn't feel like I could live away from home yet. I am pleased to say that I have been very good and haven't done anything since April of 2008. Almost a year - that feels like it deserves a pat on the back. And now I feel like I am in control of who I am and what I want; I am ready to go away from home and spread my wings a bit.

At the same time, I'm a bit nervous and/or scared. College is a really big step and I'm going to a place where I will know absolutely no one. But I think it can be a good thing and I'm not going to let fear stop me...

I find it ironic that I am excited about going to Kansas, seeing as I swore when we moved to Colorado and had to drive across Kansas from Missouri that I was never, ever going to live for any period of time in the great Sunflower state.

You can laugh now. It is rather funny.

I read a really good book the other day. It's called "The Bell Jar" by Sylvia Plath. I have not read anything else by Ms. Plath, but my dad said I would really enjoy her because I sometimes have similar sentiments. So I read "The Bell Jar" and I really liked it. At the same time, however, I was a little disturbed because she voices some of the same things I've been realizing and thinking about over the past three or four years.

Anyway, after reading this book, the story I've been tentatively working on came back into view. Sometimes a good book is all I need to stimulate my mind and get the creative juices flowing. So Brie came to life back in my head as a quiet little voice this week and I'll tell you right now that she has matured. It seems that character development has taken place in my self conciousness and because of that, the story plot has changed. I have to start from scratch, in a way, but it's very satisfying. I can't explain why - it's something you have to do for yourself to understand.

And finally, I realized that high school boys are really way too immature and that I don't want, nor need, a relationship to make me happy. I just need to be in my element and all is good. Granted, I do still want to get married and have kids some day, but I think I'm going to wait until everyone matures a bit before I get involved. And until then, I'm just going to keep on doing what I do. It was a very nice revelation and I could not be happier right now.

Oh! and I almost got hit today. I was driving with my sister and was stuck at a very busy road with no light for me to turn with. For some odd reason (maybe it was coffee I had or the fact that it was a beautiful day, I really don't know) I decided to pull out and gun my engine. Not. Smart. We almost got plowed by a giant SUV. I think I scared Katie, and I know I scared myself. Ultimately, I learned from this - always turn at a light or always make sure the coast is clear. Gunning engine = bad.

And that is your incredibly long blog for the day. I'd like to apologize if you have gotten this far - I'm a little hyper right now.

Until next time, Cyberland.

- Birdgirl90 aka Meaghan

"And I don't know where we belong/
I think we grew under a bad sun."

- The Bravery
"Bad Sun"

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

A few things I've been thinking about

So I'm trying to decide if I want to start another blog, one that is set aside just for music and book reviews. At this point in time, I think I am going to pass on it, as I have enough trouble maintaining this blog and updating regularly.

Another thing I've been thinking about is whether or not I'm going to take on another job. Currently I work part time at a Sylvan learning center (my other job finished up). If I were to take on a second job again, it would probably be at someplace like King Soopers (where I worked for a few months in 2007) or Chick-Fil-A. Chick-Fil-A has the benefits of being closed on Sundays and if I could get a schedule worked out where I was working mornings, then it would be ideal. Still, I'm hesitant to take on more than I can chew...

And finally, I'm trying to get a good night's sleep. I can not remember for the life of me the last time I slept a whole night without a nightmare or waking up at least once at some point. Sleep depravation is not good - I am one of those people who need a ton of sleep to make it through. So we will see how the next few weeks pan out.

I have to say, 2009 seems to be going fairly slowly and blurry thus far. I'll keep you posted.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Eww, it snowed.

I really don't like snow. I think snow is probably my arch enemy. I know that sounds crazy, but think about it - it's cold, so you have to bundle into multiple layers; it's wet, so it makes my hair frizz; and it's slick, so the odds of me falling are higher than normal. I like that it's pretty, I will give it that. But if I have to go out into it, forget it.

I have discovered, since living in Colorado, that I like the weather in any other season than that of winter. I like it when it's like 60 or 70 degrees with a slight breeze, shade trees, and nothing but blue skies and some fluffy white clouds. I also like it when it's 50 or 60 degrees - that is fine.

But anything below 50 is not my cup of tea. And so snow is out of the question.

The humor of this situation is that I am going to go on a ski retreat that my church is doing. I, however, will not be skiing. I was told that if I wanted, I could come just to enjoy the retreat portion of it. So that is what I will be doing. While all the other crazies are out on these thin things called skis and freezing while they zip down a tree lined hill, I will be inside (hopefully by a fireplace - that would make my day) catching up on my reading. Which is the only practical thing to do when it's cold.

I shouldn't whine so much about it. At least we have heat in our apartment. Still....I'm looking forward to spring.

And that's today's blog.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

I Think I've Procrastinated Enough...

The last week has been kind of crazy. Not only that, but writer's block is killing me. Fanfiction has become of utmost interest (don't laugh, it's fun) and to top it off, I've just been feeling lazy. Sorry for the boatload of excuses, cyberland people, but it's true.

So today I had to drive my dad to work and then drive myself from his job back to church. First of all, I have mixed feelings about driving. This sounds bad, but I like driving by myself more than driving with other people. I think it's because when I'm the only one in the car, I can listen to whatever I want and sing along and not have to worry about making conversation or being rude. That's just the way I am.

We got to the parking lot and dad went off to work and I got in the driver's seat. I put in my awsome CD that I wanted to listen to (the Sun side of the Bravery's CD "The Sun and the Moon Complete") only to have the stupid car spit it out. I tried multiple times to get it to play, but everytime it said there was an error and spewed it back at me. So then I hooked my iPod up to this radio adaptor I have, only to not be able to get a clear sound. Arrgh.

I ended up putting in a mixed CD that I made (I still want to make the perfect mixed CD - it's a hobby of mine) and listening to it. As I left the parking lot, the one true hate of my life began - snow flurries. I'm sorry, I hate the snow, especially if I'm driving. Luckily they did not last and the rest of my car ride was fairly uneventful. Well, except for the coyote that crossed the road in front of me and the guy behind me who basically rode my bumper for half the trip.

That was basically my day. I'm kind of tired because I power walked for almost an hour around our apartment community this afternoon. Totally worth it - I feel really good right now.

Anyway, I'll try to get back into the blogging. Have a good one!