Battles and Victories

Hello again, my dear readers.

I have just had a whirlwind of a week.  My graduation party was Saturday and was amazing, I might add.  My cousin came in from out of town and we totally hit it off - I see her now as a best friend/family/everything kind of person.  Which is good because a lot of my current friends are AWOL or morons or just unavailable.  (Busy lives makes it hard.)

I'm on the downswing, though.

The current battle is one with my moods and weight.

My moods are in the gutter.  I'm tired and I just feel like crying all the time for not good reason.  I don't feel motivated to do a lot of stuff.  It's the onset of a depression curve and I need to kill it before it pulls me under.

Then there's my weight.  Age 21 and 1/2, 5'5", and 215 lbs.  Not good.  Not good at all.  My new summer goal is to lose 25 of those pounds by August.

I'm scared though.  What if I'm going to be fat forever?  What if I can't win this battle?  What if I die young because I was stupid and kept gaining weight??? 

So those are the battles.

But there are also victories.

Like my cousin being completely awesome.  And the fact that I got a job at JC Penny.  And the writing set I got complete with pens that have to be dipped in jars of ink, a wax seal, and beautiful stationary. 

My boyfriend loves me.  My family loves me.  The few friends I have love me.

These are good things.

So we'll see how the next few weeks and months progress.  I want to be super aggressive about everything.  I want to be healthy and me.

Until next time,

Meaghan

Hellooooo, Whirlwind.

Hey blog world! 

Long time no see, huh?  It's been complete madness and I finally feel like I can talk about it all.

1. Graduation

 This feels pretty self descriptive.  My boyfriend and I both walked last Saturday at the ceremony for our community college.  It was exhaustive and amazing, and my parents both cried.  (I may have too...)  It feels insanely weird being a graduated college student - with honors, I might add - and not having to do anymore homework.  I've had a lot of people tell me I should go on and get a BA, but I don't think that's what I want to do right now. 

It's not that I hate school, it's just that I'm done with it for a while.  Besides.  If I went to a four year school, I probably wouldn't go into English.  It was fun and I am very happy I got my AA with writing, but I think I want to pursue other things.  Like knitting.  And the environment.  And science.

2. Anniversary

My boyfriend and I also recently celebrated our one year anniversary.  It has been a crazy rollercoaster ride filled with fun and stress - both from inside and from outside sources (who tells their son to find a better girl because her family is broke?)-, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I can't imagine being with another man.  He's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but that's what makes it so amazing - the perfection in the imperfection.

Honestly, we almost broke it off a few months ago.  He was having a hard time and the distance wasn't helping.  But we pulled through and I'm so glad we did.  :)

3. Couch

This is where it gets even more personal, so if you don't want to hear it my readers, turn away now.

My boyfriend has broken ties with his father's family and is living on my couch for the summer.  Honestly, I think it was probably one of the best things he could have done.  (I'm just saying this, either, even though I've always known his dad didn't like me.  There was a lot of emotional strain, control, and verbal abuse going on.  My man contemplated suicide.  It was baaaad.)

Having him on my couch is kind of fun though.  He fits in with my family perfectly.  We all care about him deeply.  Which isn't to say his family doesn't, just in a different way.

(I think the saddest part is that his dad has no idea that I'm wearing his son's promise ring.  And he'll probably never know. :( )

4. Food

Yup, it's a wheat allergy.  Awesomeness. 

It's great going to places and being that person who always has to ask what's in everything.  But on the bright side, I feel better than I have in ages.

5. Knitting

~Green Cardigan - done
~Katie's b-day gift - nearly done
~Purple top - started
~Blanket for my love - buying the yarn today
~Red shawl - done

6. Jobs

I've had one interview so far at Bath and Body Works, but no call back.  I called Tuesday and was told I'd get a call yesterday; nothing.  I'm taking this as a sign to keep looking.

I figure, God knows where I should be.  Right?

I think that sums everything up.  I apologize if I was too personal, but I've been holding this stuff in for a while.  It feels  nice to let it out.

I hope everything is going well for you, dear readers.  :)  Enjoy your wonderful weekend.

~Meaghan

My Brain is Exploding.

But hey, at least graduation is nearly here.

That's my excuse every time I get on Minecraft between classes.  I'm nearly done.  So I can play with my sheep.

(If you don't understand, google Minecraft.)

I've been making a mental list of all the knitting projects I'm going to finish.  It is as follows:

~Surprise for my sister (I'll reveal after her b-day)
~Red shawl for my neighbor
~Green and gold shrug for me
~Pink baby blanket for a friend of mine's grand kid
~Bluegreen alpaca lace shawl for me

Plus I really want to make that tunic for my sister that I created last week.

And I need more socks. 

As does my boyfriend.

And I really want to design some wicked cool stuff this summer.

All I want to do this summer is listen to music, spend time with the people who matter, knit, design, knit what I desgin, collect more paint chips from Home Depot, and swim.  And work my job on the weekends.

Ahhh. 

Two more papers.  Then capstone reading, humanities award ceremony, graduation ceremony, and graduation party.

And then breathing.

~Meaghan

Ahhhh...

I was going to post about how annoyed I am with politics, rich people, and the summer itch when I still have a week and a half of school left.  But instead, because I'm strange like that, I'm going to post about knitting.

Yesterday, for the first time nearly all semester it seems, I was able to relax enough to design a new project.  Not just any project.  My first design exploration into large articles of clothing.

This may not seem exciting or thrilling to anyone else, but to me, it's huge.  I've been doing hats for a few months, and of course socks and scarves.  But tops?  Wow.

I've just finished a yellow vanilla scented (yes, you read right, the yarn is scented) cotton wash cloth and I've been thinking about how nice cotton feels.  It's a little strange to work with until you get used to it, but then it feels lovely - cool, thick, and non scratchy.  It's really nice.

So why not make a summer top for my sister (who's petite and therefore will use less yarn and who I've been promising to create stuff for her forever) out of cotton?  Thus, it's been born.

Seed stitch edging on the top.  Stockinette stitch body.  Picot edge bind off.  Straps out of seed stitch that are picked up in the back and then button over the shoulder.  Subtle shaping at the waist, but knitted in the round as a tube in essence.

(I'm excited by this.)

I sketched it out and then made a gauge swatch.  It's going to be awesome! 

And until I can afford the yarn (mid to end of May), I  plan on finishing my own cardigan (better late than never), a shawl, and a baby blanket.

Ahh yes.  It feels good to be creative.

They've Updated My Blogger Thing

So that's what happens when you vanish for a while.  Stuff gets updated.  Interesting...

I want eveyrone to know I have no idea where this blog post is going.  I've done homework off and on all morning, much like I have the past week, so my brain is a bit on the fried in. Which is fine.  I think I need to stop thinking for a while anyway.

I can not wait for summer.  Two more weeks of school (one paper, two finals, a capstone reading, and various other things) and then I get to graduate!  Oh geez.  Graduation.  I'm thrilled and terrified.  Absolutely.

People keep asking me what my plan is for when I finish.  I don't have one.  I don't feel like I need one.  I mean, whatever I'm supposed to do, I'll get there eventually so why get myself worked up? 

(On the other hand, I like having plans, but don't tell them.)

I'm really ready to go swimming.  Really and truly.  Swimming, pool, summer, lemonade, bbq, margaritas - summer sounds fabulous.

And that's all I have for today.  Keep it real, my peeps. :)

~Meaghan

Rethinking Things

So much has happened the past few weeks.  I'm honestly not sure where to begin.  Some of it's not mine to tell.

What I've learned is that when it comes to things and people I care about, I'm stronger than I ever thought possible.

But I have so much on my mind.  Thoughts about God, about pro life and pro choice, about life in general.

I practice a mixture of whatever comes my way.  I believe in God, or Goddess, whichever.  I think they're one and the same.  I know that energy is real; I've felt it in my hands.  I know prayer is powerful; that's why I pray every day, nearly all day at times.  I read my Bible, I carry Goddess cards, and I light candles when I pray or need to calm down.  I know color has an effect, as does smell, and I try to knit with colors that call to me.  (Pink, anyone?)

I have always said I refuse to see the world as black and white.  And I think now, I have just been introduced to yet another shade of gray.  What if I'm wrong?  What if...what if there is a hell, and what if there is heaven?

I could write what I'm feeling (confusion, emptiness, overwhelming everything) off as being stressed because of school and life.  But I don't think that's the case.  I think God is trying to reach me.  Frankly, I'm incredibly resistant right now.

Why?  Well, I know a lot of people who are Christians who really just annoy me.  One of them has told me God is disappointed that I am intimate with my boyfriend and that the fact we're talking about living together before marriage is wrong.  I've also been told that I'm probably going to hell (in nicer terms, mind you) because I don't unquestioningly follow Jesus.

I've always had questions, I've always had thirst.  That's why I read whatever I can get my hands on about everything.  I've explored other religions and myths and stories and faiths and whatever else.  It's not like I don't believe in a higher power.  I don't believe in chance and I don't believe things just happen.  I don't believe we're alone on the Earth. 

But it's so hard.  My dad says I'm making it harder on myself and that I should really just relax and accept Grace.  Maybe he's right.  But I'm incredibly stubborn.

So maybe God's trying to reach me.  And maybe I'm being resentful and denying it.  And maybe I should stop.

My head is spinning right now.

I'm Back!

Holy cow, dear readers.  I am so sorry to leave you in such a lurch.

It has been one thing after another, but I will not bore you with the details.  Just know that it's been a looong month and I'm happy to be back.

I will get back on an even keel here and start updating more regularly once things settle down a bit.  (End of semester crunch and graduation stuff, you know how it goes...)

Thank you so much for your patience.  You are awesome. :)

~Meaghan