Monday, February 16, 2009

I am a writing ninja - fear me.

I am a writing ninja. That's right. A ninja of the computer, a stalker of the blank page. I know kung fu with my pencil, and my ink pen can kick your ink pen's butt any day of the week. It's because I am amazing.

And while that sounds very egotistical, I can assure you that I am writing this blog for my dad, who said that I already am a writing ninja. Thanks, Dad, for the confidence, cause let me tell you, I seriously need that every once in a while.

Since we are on the topic, though, I have no choice but to express my views on the pirate vs. ninja controversy. I am pro ninja. I love ninjas, I think they are awsome. Pirates - not so much.

First of all, there is wardrobe. Ninjas wear black. As I used to dress goth for a while in the past, I respect the color black. It has a level of awe in it that you do not find very often in other clothing. So ninjas wear black all over their whole body. Pirates wear obnoxiously bright outfits including odd hats, peg legs, and eye patches. Eye patches? Really?

Then there it the argument of weapons. Yes, pirates get swords, cannons, and guns, but ninjas get ninja stars, nun chucks, and samuri swords. Not to mention the fact that while the pirate is making horrid noise on his wooden leg, the ninja is steathly and is sneaking up on his oponent. There is a finesse around a ninja.

Finally, pirates have that annoying "Argh" sound they make. Ninjas are dead silent. You don't know a ninja is in the room until you are feeling his blade.

So those are my opinions. I can't help it - sometimes things like this get me worked up. It's like Lord of the Rings vs Harry Potter or the Bravery vs the Killers.... I have opinions that just have to come out every once in a while.

I hope you enjoyed this.

Birdgirl90 aka Meaghan

"How you gonna ever find your place/
Running an artifical pace/
Are they gonna find us lying face down in the sand/
So what the hell now, we've already been forever damned."
- Gin Blossoms
"Follow You Down"

Friday, February 13, 2009

I have made my choice for college.

I finally decided. After agonizing over a decision that should have been easy to make, I realized last night that I was too concerned about what everyone would think about me depending on what I chose for my higher education. Well, this morning I realized that I don't actually care what anyone thinks, I have to make the decision that works best for me. And as of now, that choice is to go to a community college for two years to get me on track for a teaching degree and then to transfer to a four year college for the last two years.

The pros of community college right now far out weigh those of immediately going to a four year school. First of all, I have been out of high school for almost a year now. Also, I was homeschooled, so I never go the feel of the classroom setting. Going to a community college will get me back into the feel of homework and get me used to the classroom environment.

Another thing is cost. If I go to Arapahoe Community College in the fall, I have enough saved up to pay for my first semester entirely by myself without relying on my parents. I know they have said they would be more than willing to help me with college if they can, but I also know that we are barely scraping by right now. The less I can ask of them, the better I would feel. I also think that I would probably work better and focus harder if I was paying for my own education.

Plus there is my job. I love where I work right now and I want to be able to keep it going for as long as possible.

A lot of people have to told me that they wished they had gone to community college for their first two years, or that they are very happy that they went to a two year school. I think that they have a good point, because going to community college for at least a little while is going to help me keep my student loans and debts to a minimum.

A lot of other people have told me that they fear I won't get the "full college benefit" if I live at home for another two years while I go to school. All I can say to these people is that I am such a dork and bookworm anyway that I probably would spend most of my time studying and not going out, much like I do now. I don't understand why everyone is so concerned about the socializing part of school (it was the same way with a good chunk of people I knew while I was being homeschooled). That's not why I am planning to go to college. I am going to go to college so that I can become a high school teacher of some sort; currently I'm looking at English or lit, but I have not ruled out Biology or American History, either.

I do appreciate everyone's opinion about what I should do with my life, but ultimately this is my choice to make based upon my personal situations and feelings. Therefore, I must make the choice that is going to work for me. I feel I have made that choice.

If anyone has any questions for me, feel free to ask.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I have to let it out

So, if you are expecting a nice little blog about how great everything is and whatever, forget it. This is your warning. I just need to rant like you would not believe, so if it bugs you, don't read it. You have been warned.

First off, let me just say that my life is not bad. Even though my dad works two jobs, my family of four lives in a small two bedroom apartment, and we are struggling in the economy like everyone else, my life is fairly easy and sheltered.

That being said, I am so stressed about what I am going to do with my life that I feel like I am going to explode.

I think part of the problem is not that I don't know what I want to do (I want to eventually be a teacher), but that everyone keeps telling me what I should or should not do. I am actually getting to the point where I want to start screaming at people to leave me alone or to take their opinions and shove them you know where.

I'm not sure I see a point in life, to be honest. You get born, you go to school where you make good grades so you can go to a good college so you can get a good job and get married and have 2.5 kids and then you grow old and die. If you think about it, there really is no good reason for us to be here. Humans as a whole do not benefit anything; rather, we destroy the earth and environment and cause discord and war amidst ourselves. It makes no sense at all to me.

At the same time, I want what everyone else wants - I want to find people who love me for who I am, I want to get married and have that level of closeness with someone, I want to make a difference for whatever it is worth.

And so I am torn as I look at colleges. If I go away, I have the ability to meet new people and try new things. If I stay, I can see how things are going to go with the people I know and the things I know. Change scares me, and yet change is inevitable.

Which brings me to relationships. I have no idea where I stand. No, wait, that's a lie. I know where I stand, I just don't know where everyone else stands. There is a boy that I have known for a few years and even though I know that I shouldn't, I still like him. I have tried everything to get over him, and yet I keep coming back to liking him. I think he likes me, but he is so dense in the arena that I seriously doubt anything is ever going to happen. And yet I want something to happen so badly that I seriously cry about it.

I am so sick of always being the single one in the group, of feeling alone even when surrounded by a million people.

Granted, I could just change my stand. I could try to see the positves of being single. I try so hard to be optimistic about everything, that included, that I feel like I'm not only trying to convince everyone around me of it, but also myself. It feels like a mask and I am so frustrated trying to figure everything out.

But things are going to get better, right? And if they don't, then maybe I'll learn to like the clouds or something. Until then, though, I just want to scream, cry, and throw myself off a cliff.

But I won't.

Because I really do want to see how things are going to play out. But I do need the stress to go away. My hair is so thin right now that I am concerned that it's never going to grow back. I have trouble sleeping, and I am almost always tired.

And that was my rant. I'm not even going to apologize for it, because it's my right to scream every once in a while when I can't handle everything life has dished my way.

Have a nice night.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Outside the Comfort Zone

I did it. I, the usually shy girl who keeps most things to herself, auditioned today for the church spring production. Not only for a role in the chorus, I might add (which the director said I got no matter what), but for an actual main role that will require me to stand in front of everyone to give a two minute monologue.

I was so nervous I thought I was going to be sick, but actually doing it and proving that I am amazing at public speaking and drama (a lot of people don't know that because of how quiet I am most of the time; I am actually really good at dramatic readings) gave me the biggest rush and sense of accomplishment. I am so proud of myself for doing that. And there is a very good chance that I am going to get one of the two speaking roles for my age bracket.

More about it later, I have to turn the light out - my sister wants to sleep. I'll write tomorrow!

Meaghan, the incredibly excited drama nerd

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I'm back.

Sorry it's been a while since I've updated, Cyberland. I've been really busy with work and my extra activities, and then earlier this week I had a freak out moment about college (more on that in a bit). But I'm good and I'm back, and other than being slightly tired, I feel pretty good about things.

So here's what's new in my world.

This week I got to looking around the Fort Hays State University website and discovered that not only is it going to cost more than I expected but all sorts of other things like how far from home it is and how I know no one in Kansas began to filter into my brain. My mom was in the other room and she said she could literally feel the panic coming off of me. Plus, my gut instinct began to protest loudly. I usually rely pretty heavily on my intuition and instincts because they are almost eerily accurate (this is how I knew to apply for my current job, how I knew to take the year off from school initially, etc.); I think that when I was applying to college I shut them off because all my instincts have been fairly quiet the last few months, which is not normal. I think I had chosen to ignore/block them.

So because of how I'm feeling with regards to college, I am in chaos. Or at least I was for a while. I suspect that I am probably going to go to a community college for two years and then transfer out to some place like CSU, which is a logical thing. Plus I can keep my job at Sylvan if I do that, and I really like working there.

I have to take this opportunity to say that I have really great friends. I felt like such a failure earlier this week because I hadn't been smart and I had only applied to one college and now it didn't feel right, but my best guy friend (the only one I told what was going on) made me feel so much better about it. I just want to say that I don't know what I would do without friends like that. I think my world would completely cave in.

And now for a complete topic change. Sunday I am auditioning for the church spring production. Every year my church puts on a fall show and a spring show. Up until this point I had never felt like participating. However, since I started participating in this improv group at church (it's like the show "Who's Line is it Anyway?" and is soo much fun to do), I have been feeling like maybe drama is something I want to pursue a little. Obviously I don't want to make a career out of it - I still want to be a high school English teacher or lit teacher - but I'm going to try for it.

I am planning on auditioning for a singing role in the chorus. And my friend who was mentioned above is going to be trying for a part too. Which makes me happy, because I know who else is probably going to audition and while they are completely nice and whatever, I just don't ever really get along with them. Having my friend there (I almost want to use names cause it's easier to type, but I'm not sure I want everyone who reads this to start stalking him or something) is going to make it a lot more enjoyable. He is actually a bit of a veteran compared to me, cause he's been in various plays and musicals before.

So that is my week. As I write this, I am eating peanut butter and jelly from the jar for my breakfast. Yum.

Until next time,


"If this is it/
All we have and ever will/
If this is it/
Time is running out and standing still."
- The Bravery
"Above and Below"

Sunday, February 1, 2009

It's Superbowl time!

I have to be honest. I am one of those people who pretty much never follows sports. I typically do not see the point behind them - why do we want to see a bunch of guys or girls tackle each other on the field in hopes of scoring a point? However, while I don't get it, there are times (like today) where I am actually going to be paying attention.

Ah, the Superbowl. Other than the few high school games I went to at my sisters school, this is pretty much the only time I'm interested in football. It amuses me that people are so serious about who they are pulling for and who is going to win. It is just a game. However, because there are so many playoffs, it is actually one of the better games because both teams are good. There have been exceptions to this general mindset (like when one team is there in body but not in any other form giving the rival team the ablitity to walk all over them), but for the most part both teams are pretty well matched.

And then there are the commercials. I love superbowl commercials. Granted, some of them are a bit off color, but they are amusing nonetheless.

I do have to admit that I have been rather disappointed by the half time entertainment the past few years. I think they should have someone like My Chemical Romance or the Bravery give the show. That would be awsome.

So who am I rooting for? Being from St. Louis, I'm going to have to say Arizona because Kurt Warner now plays for them and he is an amazing quarter back (I bet the St. Louis Rams are going to regret trading him now...)

Until next time, enjoy the game.