Monday, July 26, 2010

Dreams and Pieces

It's 7 a.m. and it's my day off. I should be trying to sleep as late as I humanly can, or I should be reading or laying in bed or something.

Instead, I woke up stiff about fifteen minutes ago and am now debating the merits of showering. You see, I am very peculiar about my hygiene, but I also color my hair and washing it obsessivly like I have been known to do makes it fade faster. So since I showered yesterday and washed my hair and whatnot, I really should just wait until I get off work tomorrow at 1 to wash it again.

I know, that is completely random.

I had such weird dreams last night that I half feel the need to document them and half hope I can scourge them from my mind forever. They were disjointed and random and full of pieces that should not fit together, and yet...

They were full of things that I half think are beautiful. Painful, maybe. Dreams filled with people I haven't heard from in months, filled to over flowing with people who are constantly around me now, their roles changed. Like I said, the pieces should not be together, and yet they are.

I don't know what I want to do now. I don't know if I want to write down the odd, mismatched pieces of my mind and analyze what they are trying to tell me I really am. I don't know if I want to forget them, either, though, because I may never see some of these people again in real life; maybe I should document the dreams to remind me that I never forgot them, even if they forgot me.

Sometimes I feel like people, and time and various other things, fall through my fingers like sand. You know - the harder you try to hold onto them, the faster they go. I'm learning that you can't hold so tight to them, cause it suffocates and smothers. At the same time, though, you have to be able to know that even if they forget you, you always will have the time together that you had. Does that make sense? I'll admit, my mind is not yet completely awake this morning...

I think I will go write down my dream pieces. I want the proof that I do remember, even if I won't look at it again for months down the road.

Have a great day, my Cyberland Readers, and may things work out for you.


Saturday, July 24, 2010

What a Relief!

And no, I am not about to talk about stimulus packages or tax breaks.

I would like to say that I am about to talk about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the government at all, but, alas, that would be a lie. The thing that I am relieved about is...

School loans.

Yes, that's right, folks. Yours truly has applied for her very first school loan. I really wanted to go another year paying cash for my tuition and books again, I really did, but reality hit me this month like a ton of bricks (see my previous blog update as reference). It looked like I was going to possibly drop the fall semester if I didn't get my sorry ass into shape or come up with a backup plan.

My parents were willing to help me out, but I know our situation, and really did not want to add that stress onto them. I know that they would not consider it a burden - they really are fantastic parents, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Still, I would not feel right placing that on them. After all they do for me, I feel like working and paying my tuition is one of the big ways I give back and help out.

So I was thinking that, if I had to drop because I couldn't get on a payment plan or whatnot, I would try to go full time at the Bagel Place of Chaos so that I could get some extra money together to try again for spring semester.

Like I said, paying my way is a really big deal for me. I have this fear that I will be unable to walk on my own, so to speak. I mean, a lot of people have had to carry me in the past, and even this month. It's not a physical thing so much as an emotional thing - a lot of people have really helped me get through mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. I want to be able to walk on my own someday without feeling like I'm relying heavily on others. I know that in order to survive, you do have to rely on others at times, and sometimes it's just really nice knowing that you have people who are there when you're down; but you have to be able to walk on your own, too.

So that's part of why I strive so hard to do school on my own with as little help as possible.

Well, the fear of not being able to pay and of trying to get the money together really ate at me this month. I mean, that coupled with work and family and whatever else that was going on really took a toll on me. I felt like I was carrying the world this month. In fact, I kinda feel like my back is still so stiff from it that it's not ever going to work itself out, lol.

Monday I went over to the school with my mom and talked to the financial aid officer. That was when I found out that I misunderstood my loan paperwork, and was, in fact, eligible to take out a $3,500 loan. That much money, by the way, is enough to pay fall and spring tuition as well as books and fees for both semesters. Plus it's going to be locked at an interest rate below 5 percent.

It was like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I was so relieved that I almost started crying in the office. As much as I want to pay for my education myself, there was no way I was going to make it this go without help, so I went ahead and filled out the paperwork.

I am supposed to call on Monday to verify that the paperwork went through. Then I can pay tuition and get my books and new I.D. and parking pass. I am still very relieved.

Now I feel like I have one fear taken care of.

How to deal with the rest? I wonder. Probably what I should do is just let go of it all and hand it over to God, but that's difficult for me. I don't know if you can tell from my posts, but I like to have a lot of control over things. It's part of the reason I cut/scratch, it's part of the reason I hate elevators and roller coasters, it's part of the reason I've always had trouble acting my age. I'm letting go of it, bit by bit, but I'm still clinging to things.

For the record, I ran through the sprinklers the other day like a little kid, and laughed about it even though I was very wet afterwards. Also, I have a friend I made a few months ago at work who is showing me, just when I thought I was going to be mainly a loner, that it's ok to relax and be myself, act my age, and that I don't have to be serious all the time. He's also proving to me that chivelry has yet to die and that not all guys (and people) are bad. I kind of think that God put me in place to meet him so that I would be reminded that I'm not alone. He works in funny ways, God does...

The thing that scares me about that, though, is how fast we've become friends. What if he sees something he doesn't like about me, and jumps ship? It wouldn't be the first time. A part of me seriously doubts he will, though. And hey, I can't worry about it. I have too much on my plate to deal with right now to worry about this.

And now, I am just rambling again. But my Cyberland Readers, if I don't tell you how I'm feeling, and if I don't show you that I am growing, where else is it going to be documented? My notebooks of writing are very private, and no one can read them yet - I need the proof for others to see, so that I know I am making progress even when it doesn't feel like it.

That's why I blog to you, my readers. That's why I blog.

I am leaving you for real now, as my brain is so tired that I can't tell if this made any sense. Also, I'm starting to feel like a pile of cow crap. I think I'm either having serious issues with allergies or I'm catching strep throat. Which, of course, I never exhibit the obvious symptoms for, so naturally it never gets caught until it's too late and has run it's course or turned into something worse. Like the bronchititus I had last year and the year before.

Thank you for reading, my readers. I wish you pleasant dreams this night.


Sunday, July 18, 2010

Update! (For Real This Time..)

Oh my dear Cyberland Readers, I know it has been a while. I am truly sorry about that. Life has this horrid tendency to catch up to me and make me lose myself, which is really what happened all this week. I lost myself, but I'm getting back to normal.

Whatever normal is.

Does anyone else have that problem? It's like your mind becomes so overloaded with things that it's no longer your mind and it's like you're trying to crawl out the sides, but it's not getting you anywhere. At least, that's what happens to me from time to time, and what happened to me this week.

I have these stresses in my life that I let consume me. I'm so good at worrying that I have a lot of trouble stepping back and letting things happen on their own. Like work. Work this week has been a really big stress for me. Part of it is that I've been working early morning shifts so that I know the management procedures for opening. I'm excited about becoming a manager, but at the same time, I'm scared by it too. This is my first job in the food industry and I feel as if I don't know enough to be promoted. In all honesty, I think one of my best friends (who also works with me - that's how we met) would be a better manager. He has the skills and the experience needed to run the show; I have people skills but lack experience.

My mom says that if my boss didn't think I could handle it or do it, he wouldn't be promoting me. I just need confidence, which is hard right now. I doubt myself very easily and I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But I do, all the same. This week, I'm going to try very hard to be confident in my abilities, and see if that helps.

The other part of my job that is stressing me out is the fact that my two supervisors can't get along. It's like they can't stand each other's guts and while they both have short-comings (we all do, whether you like it or not), they are blind to them and quick to point out the other's. It drives me crazy! I know that it doesn't have anything to do with me or my friend or anything else, but it makes it difficult to work. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but when they fight at work, not only is it unprofessional, but it makes the air itself seem thicker. I seriously leave on my lunch break just to get some space and time away from it.

And now I feel like I can't work with either of them. One of them has a temper (he yelled at one of the bakers yesterday where yelling was not necessary) and walks in circles, and the other just has a bad attitude. Plus, she screwed one of my friends over, which makes me get all defensive. Blah...

I was at a point this week where I didn't want to go to work at all, and when I came home, I felt like crying from it all. Maybe it's because I was tired all week (I'm back to having nightmares that hover on the edge of my consciousness, which drains me), maybe it was because I was having some other mental things going on (I'll get to that in a bit), but I fleetingly thought about quiting this week. Of course I won't, I was just so stressed out that I thought about it. I like the work, I like working with my friends, I like the experience I'm getting and the way management is going to look on my resume. I am just sick of the stress. It's killing me.

I know, I know. Brush it off. Well, that's a lot easier said than done, my Cyberland Readers. A lot easier said than done.

The other part of my stress is school. Fall semester, which I am really excited about starting, is a month away. Tuition is due in less than that. As it stands, I am short about four hundred dollars. I have one more pay check between here and there, and all of it is going into savings. Tomorrow I am going to go talk to the financial aide department to see if I can get on a payment plan. If I can't, I don't know what I'm going to do. I know my parents have offered to help with books and tuition if I need them too, but I hate asking for that because I know what our financial situation is. And partly because of pride, if I am being completely honest. I work and I should be able to afford this on my own without asking for help.

I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just take out some loans? Well, you see, my Cyberland Readers, FAFSA thinks that you should only get loans if you are taking 12 or more credit hours. Because I work, I feel I am only able to handle about 10 hours a sememster. I'd like to take more, but I also want to do well and pass the classes with grades that I'm happy with. So I work to pay for school, and at school I only take 10 hours or so, so that I can work.

Yeah. Well, I really want to graduate, so I'll make it happen. I am determined about that. Somehow, it will work and I will get that diploma if it freaking kills me.

And then, finally, the thing that really set me off this week. I broke six months of not cutting or scratching, and scratched. That always sets my brian in a very dark place, and it takes me forever to get out. I feel like when I do that, I end up trapping myself in my mind. All this week, along with the other stresses and things compounding in, I feel like I haven't been myself. I've been feeling really negative and sad, and just out of it.

No more. I am getting out of my mind if it's the last thing I do.

But, you know what? Among all the stresses and negatives and bummers, I really do have a lot of good things that have happened and that I am thankful for. For one, my family has never once deserted me. For another, I have friends who listen, and one who was there when I really needed one this week and who has not blamed me for anything even though I'm pretty sure he could if he wanted to. I have a good job which is going to help me gain a new skill set that will help me down the road. And I have the ability to attend school, which a lot of young women in other countries still aren't allowed to do. These are things that I should never take for granted, and that I am so greatful for that I can't even express it.

Plus, there were some really good things this week, too. My friend and I went to see "Predators" last week, which was a lot of fun. I didn't realize that I needed to do something like that until we did it, and it was great. I took my sister out for sushi and shopping last week, which was also really nice. We try to do stuff like that on a regular basis because it gives us that time together and keeps us close. And my birthday was this week. I am now officially 20, which in all honesty, doesn't feel any different than 19 did. It was nice, though. I got to spend time with my family, which I love, and I was reminded yet again how blessed I am to have them. I also worked, which was fun. My friend and my boss both threatened to get the store to sing to me, which I'm really glad they didn't follow through cause I get embarrassed really easily and would've turned into a red puddle on the floor, so to speak.

So, it's not all bad. I just let things get to me. But not this week. This week, I am going to try to have a really positive attitude and to separate the different things so that they don't interfer with one another. And you know what? Things are going to work out. I know they always do. I just have to stick with it and throw my best foot forward, and stop complaining and stressing.

As I just read in my Bible (that's another thing - I've started reading it again, so it should help...), if God brings you to it, He also provides a way through it. I have to believe that more than I did.

And that, my Cyberland Readers, is your very long, moderately depressing, somewhat complaint filled, blog update for the day.

Until the next time,


Friday, July 2, 2010

I've Taken the First Step

I am going to get published this summer if it kills me. I am also going to get into that orchestra.

And I have taken the first step needed for making both things happen.

I started practicing yesterday, trying to get a piece together for auditions. After a vigorous routine including scales, free play, and my Mozart piece, I feel as if I am on the right track. I will keep the practicing up, and with any luck, I will have a good audition.

Likewise, I started typing up a collection of poetry that I have been writing off and on for almost three years now. I have eight pages thus far, but I have a feeling I need more to get a published book. It is, however, the right step.

So wish me luck, Cyberland Readers, and maybe I will get there. And even if I don't, I will be able to say I tried.


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Hey, It's July!

When the hell did that happen?

I'm going to be twenty in two whole weeks. Again, when did that happen? I don't feel any different, except that I'm happy I'm no longer going to be a teenager. Maybe now people will stop asking me when I'm going to be starting high school in the fall...

I think I am going to compile a list of things I've learned during the first part of this year. I normally try to do a year in review type of thing, but I don't know if I'm going to remember enough stuff. I mean, my first six or seven months of this year have just blown by - and I mean blown (my hair is still flying from it, for crying out loud) - and I barely remember half of it.

So, I think I'm going to do that soon. Not in this blog, but maybe in the next one.

I am thinking about trying to make money off this blog. Is that too much like selling out? I always wonder with this type of thing. I write because I love to write, not because I am looking to strike it rich, but getting paid for it would be kind of neat. I want to be a best selling author one day; maybe this is the way of getting there.

Although, if I did monetize it, I seriously doubt I would make much money on it. I mean, how many are there of you out there who acutally choose to read about my struggles as a young women in Colorado when you could be reading a "Twilight" blog or something?

Doesn't matter. I write because I love it, and you read it because you enjoy reading it. It's that simple of an equation. The result is two satisfied parties when it is all said and done. Still, it would be nice to try to get out there. I mean, I would write for the newspaper if I could. Unfortunately, they don't want me it seems. That was the feeling I got from the guy who came to the library to talk about writing.

I am not going to give up. I will write until my brain melts and gushes out of my ears, until my fingers bleed and my heart aches and my eyes are bloodshot from staring at blank pages and computer screens. I will not give up on this dream. I may be old and about to die before I get a published book on the market, but by God, I will publish something one day.

Sorry, my rant for the moment. I get depressed sometimes about things, and it usually comes out in the form of me preaching my agenda to the world.

Moving on.

I start manager training soon. My boss gave me a huge book of company policies and practices, and the boss of the regional manager of Einsteins wants me to train at one of his stores for two weeks. Apparently that means driving to either Aurora or Denver proper, but I think it will be worth it.

Still don't have an audition set up yet for the orchestra, but I practiced for a good 40 minutes today. I am horribly out of shape and my fingers ache; it felt so good, though. I forgot how much I love my instrument. I still have it, I might add. The skill needed to play in a group.

Ok, that's enough rambling for today. Farewell, my cyberland readers, and I shall write again.