What a Relief!

And no, I am not about to talk about stimulus packages or tax breaks.

I would like to say that I am about to talk about stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with the government at all, but, alas, that would be a lie. The thing that I am relieved about is...

School loans.

Yes, that's right, folks. Yours truly has applied for her very first school loan. I really wanted to go another year paying cash for my tuition and books again, I really did, but reality hit me this month like a ton of bricks (see my previous blog update as reference). It looked like I was going to possibly drop the fall semester if I didn't get my sorry ass into shape or come up with a backup plan.

My parents were willing to help me out, but I know our situation, and really did not want to add that stress onto them. I know that they would not consider it a burden - they really are fantastic parents, and I am so blessed to have them in my life. Still, I would not feel right placing that on them. After all they do for me, I feel like working and paying my tuition is one of the big ways I give back and help out.

So I was thinking that, if I had to drop because I couldn't get on a payment plan or whatnot, I would try to go full time at the Bagel Place of Chaos so that I could get some extra money together to try again for spring semester.

Like I said, paying my way is a really big deal for me. I have this fear that I will be unable to walk on my own, so to speak. I mean, a lot of people have had to carry me in the past, and even this month. It's not a physical thing so much as an emotional thing - a lot of people have really helped me get through mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. I want to be able to walk on my own someday without feeling like I'm relying heavily on others. I know that in order to survive, you do have to rely on others at times, and sometimes it's just really nice knowing that you have people who are there when you're down; but you have to be able to walk on your own, too.

So that's part of why I strive so hard to do school on my own with as little help as possible.

Well, the fear of not being able to pay and of trying to get the money together really ate at me this month. I mean, that coupled with work and family and whatever else that was going on really took a toll on me. I felt like I was carrying the world this month. In fact, I kinda feel like my back is still so stiff from it that it's not ever going to work itself out, lol.

Monday I went over to the school with my mom and talked to the financial aid officer. That was when I found out that I misunderstood my loan paperwork, and was, in fact, eligible to take out a $3,500 loan. That much money, by the way, is enough to pay fall and spring tuition as well as books and fees for both semesters. Plus it's going to be locked at an interest rate below 5 percent.

It was like a weight had been taken off my shoulders. I was so relieved that I almost started crying in the office. As much as I want to pay for my education myself, there was no way I was going to make it this go without help, so I went ahead and filled out the paperwork.

I am supposed to call on Monday to verify that the paperwork went through. Then I can pay tuition and get my books and new I.D. and parking pass. I am still very relieved.

Now I feel like I have one fear taken care of.

How to deal with the rest? I wonder. Probably what I should do is just let go of it all and hand it over to God, but that's difficult for me. I don't know if you can tell from my posts, but I like to have a lot of control over things. It's part of the reason I cut/scratch, it's part of the reason I hate elevators and roller coasters, it's part of the reason I've always had trouble acting my age. I'm letting go of it, bit by bit, but I'm still clinging to things.

For the record, I ran through the sprinklers the other day like a little kid, and laughed about it even though I was very wet afterwards. Also, I have a friend I made a few months ago at work who is showing me, just when I thought I was going to be mainly a loner, that it's ok to relax and be myself, act my age, and that I don't have to be serious all the time. He's also proving to me that chivelry has yet to die and that not all guys (and people) are bad. I kind of think that God put me in place to meet him so that I would be reminded that I'm not alone. He works in funny ways, God does...

The thing that scares me about that, though, is how fast we've become friends. What if he sees something he doesn't like about me, and jumps ship? It wouldn't be the first time. A part of me seriously doubts he will, though. And hey, I can't worry about it. I have too much on my plate to deal with right now to worry about this.

And now, I am just rambling again. But my Cyberland Readers, if I don't tell you how I'm feeling, and if I don't show you that I am growing, where else is it going to be documented? My notebooks of writing are very private, and no one can read them yet - I need the proof for others to see, so that I know I am making progress even when it doesn't feel like it.

That's why I blog to you, my readers. That's why I blog.

I am leaving you for real now, as my brain is so tired that I can't tell if this made any sense. Also, I'm starting to feel like a pile of cow crap. I think I'm either having serious issues with allergies or I'm catching strep throat. Which, of course, I never exhibit the obvious symptoms for, so naturally it never gets caught until it's too late and has run it's course or turned into something worse. Like the bronchititus I had last year and the year before.

Thank you for reading, my readers. I wish you pleasant dreams this night.

~Meaghan