Saturday, April 30, 2011

It's the Final Countdown!

Oh. My. Gosh.

I can not wait for summer.  At all.  I only have two days of class separating me from hanging out with my friends and doing nothing.  (And hopefully working, but let's not think about that.)

This is going to be such a great summer.  I can feel it.  For one, I'm already making plans with people.  I never make plans with people.  Ever.  I think this is going to one of the first summers in a long time where I'm actually going to relax and have some fun.

(I spent 90% of last summer working nearly 40 hours a week.  That is not happening this year.)

Harry Potter comes out on my birthday, I'm turning 21, I have friends who actually like me for who I am and aren't trying to change me, and it's Colorado so the weather is more than likely going to be beautiful.

I just have to make it through the next week. 

One more week, one more week, one more week...


Friday, April 29, 2011

Friday, Friday, Friday.

It's Friday alright.  Yay for the weekend.

The day started off completely beautiful.  It was sunny, warm, breezy.  Basically, the way spring is SUPPOSED to be.  And now it's overcast and colder, with the promise of snow on the horizon.  I wouldn't mind getting rain, but the snow end of it is not sitting too well with me right now.

I didn't really do anything productive today.  I'm about to fill out two or three job applications for places I haven't applied to yet. 

One of those is Krispy Kreme doughnuts. 

The part about it that's making me hesitate are the hours.  I used to have to get up at three and four in the morning to go to bagel hell.  The smell of bagels that early made me sick.  Add to it that I'm not a morning person at all.  I mean, I can do 7am and later.  And I get up at 6 for school anyway, so my body's pretty accustomed to that.  But no earlier than that.

Plus, it is food service again.

I'm going to apply for more retail and use it as a last resort, I think.  Along with Wal-Mart.  Wal-Mart is a last resort, too.

And on that note, I'm going to go fill out more generic forms.


Thursday, April 28, 2011

Happy Day!

It's official, my dear readers.  I am a published author now.  I have had one of my poems published in the school literary magazine. 

Now, whenever I feel discourages, I can look at that and at my rejection letter from earlier to remind myself that I am on the right path for my life.

It's encouraging.

Everything is going exceptionally well.  My grades are coming up in time for the semester to end, which is nice.  I don't think it's going to be a 4.0, but considering what's gone on this semester, I'm okay with that.  My health is back under control.  I'm losing weight, my moods are managable again, and I'm feeling better than I've felt in a very long time.

And summer is nearly here.  I still don't have a job lined up, but the store my dad works at is hiring so there's a chance I could get employed there.

Summer is going to be wonderful.  I'm going to spend time with my friends and family.  I'm going to get caught up on all my reading.  More toys will be made.  It's going to be great.

Oh, and something even more exciting may be coming about.  But I don't want to talk about it on here until I know for sure.  Don't worry, though.  I'll keep you guys posted.

And now, bed.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Even More Job Applications.

I'm trying to broaden where I apply to.  This morning I applied to King Soopers, Old Navy, and Staples.  I have a list made up of where I've applied and where I want to send more applications to.  So far, I've applied to over seven different companies.  I have about nine more places that I'm planning on applying to.

Someone's bound to call me in the next few weeks.

It amuses me how similar all the applications are.  Gender - female.  Race - white.  Age - twenty.  Do you have a criminal history - no.  Have you ever been terminated - no.  Blah blah blah, fine print - I agree.  Will you consent to having a drug test done - yes.  Will you consent to a background check - yes.

On and on and on.

And then you have these questionaire survey things where they test your personality.  You like being in a large crowd - agree.  You like working with people - agree. 

Etc, etc, etc.

Fun times. 

It's making me think I should just suck it up and go to Metro after I graduate to get a teaching degree.  But then again, the teaching market is saturated as well.  I think the job market on a whole is saturated like a sponge with water is dripping out of it.

Mmkay, happy thought time cause this is stressing me out.

School is almost done.  I have mixed feelings about it.  On the one hand, I'm thrilled that classes are going to be out for the summer.  But on the other, I'm at that point where I have great friends again and I'm going to miss seeing them on a regular basis.

Provided I get a job, I'll be working this summer, so that'll be good.  And even with working, I'll still be able to see my friends.  And I'll be able to catch up on all my knitting and reading and writing that I've had to put off because of school...

I'm really looking forward to warm weather.  I think this is the first time I'm truly happy about summer.  So many good things are coming about.  I turn 21.  Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 2 comes out on my b-day, which is cool; one of my friends has invited me to go to the midnight showing with him, which I'm really looking forward to.  I'm actually losing weight so that I can feel less self-concious in a swimsuit, so swimming will be fun.  Dog sitting, riding my bike, learning to roller skate better, and hanging out with friends and family is how I'm planning on spending my days.

It is going to be awesome.

And I'm actually healthy for once, too.  I feel balanced both mentally and emotionally.  That has never really happened before.  I feel like I can take on the world again.  I have a really good support system, I'm surrounded by people who actually like me for ME and who I can be myself around, and I'm feeling like things can't really get any better.

 Plus, my views on dating are starting to change, which is strange.  For the longest time, I was completely turned off of it.  You know how it is - one too many guys who are shallow and insensitive jerks.  But now I think I'm starting to consider the idea as something that's not bad but rather good.  Maybe.  I kind of wonder if that means I'm growing up some.

And tomorrow my poem is released to the general public.  I'm rather proud of myself here.  Now, whenever I feel like my writing is complete crap (which happens to all writers), I can look at the school magazine and remember that I wrote something worth publishing. =)

Now, off to finish the chapter for tomorrow and to fill out more applications.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

In Keeping with the 360 Day Challenge...

...this is your post for the day.  Cheap, I know.  But know what?  I'm exhausted.

Detailed post tomorrow.  I promise.


Monday, April 25, 2011

Stupid Car Keys.

So my speech study group decided to meet up today.  One of my friends offered to come get me, it was going to be good to run through the motions, and it was going to be fun.

  Except for one small thing: I got to school and realized I had my mom's car keys in my pocket.  Oh, and I only had one set in there, which meant that the other set was AWOL.

As it turns out, the other set of keys was actually in my pocket as well. 

(This is what happens when I don't get enough sleep.  As much fun as it is, I should really know better than to text someone until 11:00 at night.)

I'm normally so responsible.  It's one of those things I try really hard to be.

Oh well.  Four days left. 

Time for a steady diet of Bruno Mars until my blood pressure winds down. =P


Why Can't I Sleep In??

I went to bed at 11:00 pm last night.  That's late for me, dear readers.  Yes, I understand that I'm young and whatnot; honestly, though, I need a lot of sleep to function.

So naturally my body decided that today was probably a school day and woke me up at 6:15.

It's another one of my weird quirks.  No matter how late I go to bed, I always get up consistently between 6 and 8 in the morning.  Last spring I went to a cowboy bar with a few friends (dancing and singing sober karaoke was awesome, so I recommend it) and we didn't get back until 3:30 in the morning.  I still woke up at 7:15.

Oh well.  Gives me more time to start my day I suppose.

I'm still on the job hunt.  Yesterday I filled out an application at Best Buy.  Today I'm going to try to get one filled out for Old Navy.  I've still got Target that I need to fill out as well.  Push comes to shove, I'll do one for Wal-Mart too.

I have to go get more blood work done this week.  The doctor wants to make sure that my liver is back where it should be.  I'm supposed to ask her about cutting back my medication when I go pick up the form as well - I'm having trouble sitting still and I'm kind of shaky all the time now.  It's all good.  I'm still in a better place than I was a month and a half ago.

Other than that, things are nice and routine.  Homework, school, family, friends, laundry, dog sitting.  Rinse and repeat as necessary.

It rained last night.  Part way through it kind of got mixed with snow; luckily the snow passed and there is none on the ground.  I'm still holding out for a thunderstorm.

And now it's time to get my day started, I suppose.


Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!

That's my copy of Watchmen that my basket is sitting on. :)

For the record, I can be lady like should the need arise. =D

One of the songs we preformed this morning.

These are the bells that I play in the bell choir.

My sister, looking beautiful as always. :)

I'm always the one to blink.  Always. XP

Easter egg time!

The reason Katie looks so sad is because dad thought the teddy bear she drew on her egg looked like carbon chain.  Just a typical day here, guys and gals. XD (She was actually laughing so hard she couldn't breathe.)

The teddy bear egg.

The best egg I've possibly ever dyed. =D

Every year, I swear I'm not going to dye my fingers.  And every year, I dye my fingers.

Katie: So, what's your theme this year?
Me: What?
Katie: You know, you're theme.  Last year it was MST3K, the year before it was Star Trek and Watchmen.
Me: Oh.  I hadn't thought about it.  Maybe hearts.  Yeah, I'm feeling the hearts thing.
Katie: *snickers*



Saturday, April 23, 2011

All the Excitement Happens After I Leave a Place.

So you guys know how I mentioned in a previous post about being from tornado alley?  Well, a tornado actually went through where I'm from the other day.  I'm slow blogging about it because I only just found out about it today.

Apparently a tornado plowed through the Lambert Airport in St. Louis.  I'm from just south of there.  Luckily, none of my friends out there were hurt, but several of them had to take cover while at work.  Scary times.

It completely reminds me of why I get nervous when the weather gets incredibly severe.  Twisters are completely unpredictable.  I can't remember how many tornado warnings we had growing up.  I was always the one in the family who cowered in a corner of the basement while my parents and sister went outside to watch the storm.  Of course, we never actually had a tornado come through.  They always missed us.

Even now, if I'm stressed or worried, I'll dream of tornados coming for me or my loved ones.  Usually in these dreams, I'm the only one taking cover.  My subconcious likes to prey on my fears, I suppose.

On top of it, I'm really sensitive to weather changes; whenever it gets bad, I feel it before the rest of my family does.  It can kind of be described as the reaction a cat has when put in the shower.  I get very ansy and on edge; I can't sit still and usually end up pacing.

Don't get me wrong, though.  I still love storms.  Just not those with tornados.

Prayers for St. Louis, folks.


It's 7:35 in the Morning...

...and I'm blogging.   Big surprise there.

Ideally, I'd like to be back in bed, staring aimlessly at my ceiling like I have been for the past two days.  But no such luck.  Katie and I have to be at bell rehersal this morning to prep for the Easter services tomorrow.  I have no idea what I'm doing the rest of the day.  I'd like to say homework, but chances are I'll end up watching movies on my computer or reading something.

Maybe I'll finish the hat I started two weeks ago that I've been procrastinating on.

Tomorrow is Easter.  It blows my mind.  Where did my year go? 

I only have two weeks of school left.  Again, mind blowing.  I'm actually at a point where I like school again; I'm not sure I'm ready for it to end.  Actually, let me rephrase that.  I'm ready for school itself to end, I'm just not ready to stop seeing my friends on a regular basis. 

I still don't have a summer job lined up.  I'm actually starting to get sweaty palms now when I think about it.  I mean, if I don't get a job, I can bum around the whole summer.  But I've also nearly wiped out my savings and I really do need to get tuition and expense money together before fall. 

(That's the deal, folks.  I pay for school, either by cash or by loans; my parents let me live at home and bring me to/from school.  I think it's a fair set up.  It makes me work harder for my degree, that's for sure.  After all, it's not their money I'm wasting if I fail out - it's my own.)

Oh! So happy news time.  Because, you know, we all love happy news.

I found out that Thursday is when the new issue of the school magazine is coming out.  You know, the one that my poem is in.  I think I may have no choice but to go to the release party for a little bit; I'm thinking of inviting one of my friends who has an off period at that time to come with me.

This is kind of a huge deal for me.  I'll actually get to see my name in print.  And my poem.  So exciting.

The other happy news is that I'm feeling a lot better this morning.  Last night I crashed like a rock at 8:30.  I'm a little upset in the stomach today, but ultimately I feel like myself again.  Which is good.  I can't afford to be sick.  I have waaay too much going on in the next two weeks.

I think that about sums up my existence right now.  On to throttle some bells.


Friday, April 22, 2011

More Job Applications

It's starting to feel like they all look alike.  Social security number, license number, date of birth, address, may we contact your employer?

So far, I've filled out applications for Borders (personal dream of mine, working in a bookstore), Michaels (because I buy more yarn than anyone I know), Home Depot (I collect paint chips from the paint section and love the garden part), and now Whole Foods (because I can run a cash register for eight hours straight).

Someone's got to call me back at some point, right?  I mean, I am pretty marketable.  I was a manager when I left Bagel Hell.  I held my Sylvan job for two years.  I have great people skills.  I learn quickly.

I think the goal is to just keep filling out the applications until someone calls.  Next on my list are Hobby Lobby, Target, Payless Shoes, Hot Topic, and the Tattered Cover.  I'm trying to keep it to places where I actually want to work. 

In other words, no food service.

I know, I know.  Food service isn't bad.  In fact, I think that if you have a great boss and team members, it probably can be a lot of fun.  But let me refresh you on how I spent last summer: getting up at 3 in the morning, dealing with a boss who complained about everyone, having a co-worker who thought he was God's gift to women and that we were all going to hell because of our individual beliefs, having another co-worker who could only ever talk about how much she hated the place, customers who think you owe them the world, an AC that almost always went out while the ovens were on, and having food that was hardly ever at proper temperature. 

(These are all reasons I don't eat at that particular store.  Especially the smoked salmon.  Never, ever eat the smoked salmon.  Or the pastrami.  Thinking about it now still makes me sick.)

No, thanks.  I'm good.  I don't care that I was a manager when I left.  You can not pay me enough to do food service again.

I wouldn't mind running a register or bagging groceries somewhere, though.  Yeah, it can be a lot of tedious work, but it's also fast paced and fun to a degree.  I can answer phones, too.  I'm good at that.

So as I'm filling out these applications, I'm realizing something massively important.  When I graduate, I'm going to have to actually create a resume.  It sounds scary just because it means that I'm finally hitting that point where I'm going to have to become a functioning member of society and do something with my life. 

Do I want to go ahead to the four year school and get a teaching degree?  Or do I want to call it quits with my writing degree and get a full time job like originally planned?  If I go with the first option, I'll get to stay in school longer; if I go with the second option, I can get the apartment with my sister like we've been talking about.

I don't know what I'm going to do.  I can't think about it right now.  The stress is making me sick.

I got so sick at school yesterday.  I didn't make it to my last class; instead, I went home and slept.  And then I slept the whole night until about 4 am this morning when I realized that my alarm was still set to go off at 6.  I turned it off and went back to sleep.  I had a faint memory of a dream where some voice called me beautiful (I know, it's weird) and then I woke up with Bruno Mars stuck in my head.

I'm feeling better today, but I still don't feel at 100% functionality yet.   I get sick about twice a semester, so I guess it was time.  I think I just over did it this week: late nights with homework, going out, stress, etc.  Quedoba didn't help any, either.  If I ever tell anyone that I want Quedoba, slap me.  I don't mean it.

And now I have homework that I need to be doing.  My massive project for English Comp is due this week; I'm creating a new blog and then writing a paper analyzing it.  That should be fun.  Still need to revise my novel chapter; still have no idea what I'm doing.  But it'll work out.  It always does.

Oh! And I finally memorized my portion of my speech.  I just about did a happy dance.

Until tomorrow,


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Random Blog is Random.

But hey, at least I'm keeping with the "Let's blog every day for a whole year" resolution.  Even if it is a random blog between classes. 

I had the weirdest nightmare last night.  What happened was I woke up at three this morning with the worst stomach ache.  (I know better than to eat Quedoba because it always makes me sick, but I caved yesterday.  Note to self: fight the temptation of soft tacos.  It's not worth it.)  I stayed awake until after four. 

So when I fell back asleep, I had this crazy dream.  I was at school with one of my friends.  We were reading Orwell's "1984" for some reason.  (It's a good book, but not one I particularly feel the need to re-read.)  I said something, and suddenly he got really mad and told me to get the fuck out.  (I'm 99.99% sure this would never happen in real life...)

Then it was like a scene change.  Said friend, myself, and our third speech member were in the speech lab.  I was standing at the podium about to give my portion of the speech; I started and then realized I had no idea what I was saying.  I got embarrassed and fled from the room.

And then I woke up to my alarm.  It was the first time I remembered a dream since I started taking this anti-depressant.  So even while it was a complete and total stress dream, I'll take it.  It's a sign that things are going back to normal.

I could barely stand in the shower this morning.  I was so dizzy it wasn't even funny.  It was so tempting to just curl up into the fetal position and lay in the bathtub.  But I didn't.  I made it to school.  I'm having a decent morning. 

I still feel kind of funky though.  I really hope it is just Quedoba or my meds; I really don't want to get sick.

On a completely unrelated note, I had a really good talk this morning with my English Comp professor.  I think I may have to apply to a four year school to go ahead and get my teaching degree.  I feel like I'm kind of leaning that way.  I want to teach high school literature.  I think there are enough crappy lit teachers that it turns a lot of students off of reading and writing.  I want to break that mold.

More importantly, though, is the fact that I really need to find a summer job.  I only have two weeks of school left.  And while I would love to spend this whole summer goofing off, I think it's probably a good idea for me to work so I can pay for books and tuition in the fall.  So far I've applied at Borders and Home Depot.  I'm in the middle of filling out an app for Michaels as well.  Then I'll apply at Hobby Lobby, Target, and as a last resort, King Soopers.

I refuse to do food service again.  I don't think you could pay me enough.

And now I have to go to psychology to watch others give their presentations.  Apparently we're going to have a test over each disorder presented; I can honestly say that I haven't paid enough attention to even really remember what disorders we've seen.  But I learn by listening and doodling in my margines, so maybe I'll remember more than I think I do.  At this point, I'm not entirely convinced I care.

Oh! And the new issue of the school magazine (the one with my poem in it) is coming out soon.  That's exciting.

Alright, class.  I got this.


Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Problem with Doing Laundry in an Apartment Full of Others Who Do Their Own Laundry... that you come home and find that all of your clothing from the dryer has been gracelessly thrown upon your bed.

Granted, I did have fair warning that this was going to happen.  And I wouldn't have been doing laundry if I wasn't in dire need of something to wear tomorrow, cause I knew I wasn't going to have time to finish it earlier.  So really, it is kind of my own fault.

But at the same time, it's not a pleasant sight to behold.  I just spent five minutes hunting down socks that somehow got mixed in with my books, covers, and stuffed animals.  And I still have three stragglers. 

(I think the dryer might have gotten hungry.  It's about time for it's sacrificial sock ritual...)

Oh well.  What are you going to do, right?

(I really don't want to be doing homework right now.  Can you tell?  I'm fighting that "I can skip one class, it won't kill me" urge, actually.  But I have perfect attendence in my writing class, so that's out of the question.)

It rained a little bit here today.  That's always kind of nice.  My only complaint with Colorado really is that it snows when it should be thunderstorming and it's dry when there should be rain.  But I'm from tornado alley, where storms are common from here until the middle of summer.

Who am I kidding?  I'm just filling space at this point. 

I'll update again tomorrow, dear readers.


Middle of the Week.

I slept for a full night last night.  No random waking up.  No random nightmares.  No random stresses.  I woke up on my own a full 45 minutes before my alarm went off.  So naturally, I allowed myself to stay in bed for as long as possible.

If this could happen every night, I would be incredibly happy. :)

So today is Wednesday.  It's overcast outside, leaving me hopeful that we might get a nice spring storm.  I have a full day ahead of me: homework, out with a friend I haven't seen pretty much since the semester started, and then more homework.  But it's going to be a good day.

I just know it.

My neighbor's dog didn't die on me this weekend.  In fact, we had no problems whatsoever.  I was very happy about that.  She's a crazy dog, but I love her to pieces and it would have killed me if something had happened.  Proof that God was looking out for me.

I made it through my psychology presentation yesterday with minimal mess ups.  I did trip and stumble part way through and had to take a moment to recoup.  But I'm pretty sure I was the only one who noticed.  I got a really good grade on it, too.

Now I just need to actually learn my part for my group speech.  I tripped over it yesterday as we rehearsed it; while my group members told me I did fine, I know I can do better.  So practice is in order. 

I need to finish revising my novel chapter for next week.  I'm not entirely sure of all the changes I'm going to make, but I feel like the revision is off to a good start.  Hopefully I can get some helpful feedback next week before I have to turn in the final project.  I also need to get my peer reviews done for tomorrow.  I'm thinking that those should probably be priority for the time being...

My project for English needs to get done too.  I have rough drafts due next week that I have no idea what I'm doing on.  I think I'm just going to wing them and see what happens.  (And by wing them, I mean work on them this weekend amidst everything else.)

I can't believe Easter is Sunday!  Where has this year gone?  It's crazy how time flies.  This weekend is going to be extremely busy.  We're ringing handbells for Easter, which means practice on Saturday and then an early call time on Sunday.  But it's totally going to be worth it.  I love ringing for Easter.

I love Easter in general, actually.  As a Christian, it's the most important holiday on the calendar.  If Judas hadn't betrayed Jesus, and if Jesus hadn't died, and then if He hadn't risen on the third day, there would be no Christian faith.  I think it's a beautiful thing, having a God who loves us so much that He sends His Son to die for us. 

It's the concept of grace.  I think I finally figured it out, too.  At least in my own head.  I believe that grace is God looking at us, seeing what we've had to do in dire times, and loving us the same.

I'll write more later; breakfast now. :D


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Tuesday Update.

Believe it or not, I don't have a lot to say today.

I'm tired, that's why.  I woke up at 1:30 this morning and didn't fall back asleep until after 4, only to have to get up again at 6 to start my day.  It makes for a long one.

School is school, life is life.  I'm too tired to really write anything else.  If I think of anything to put, I'll post a second update.


Monday, April 18, 2011

My Face Hurts.

No, I did not get punched in the face by a wild elephant or get into an epic bar fight.  Thanks for considering it, though.  (Weren't considering it?  Well, you are now.)

Actually, my face is killing me because I've been laughing so hard tonight.  There is something to be said about being with people who actually understand you and the odd way your brain works.

So what am I doing now?  Packing my backpack, you ask?  Uh, no, but that's probably a good idea.  Running through my presentation on anxiety for psychology that I didn't give last week because we ran out of time?  No, but that's another good idea.  Homework that is due this week that will absolutely wipe me out like windex wipes out streaks if I don't get it done?  Again, no.

 (Kudos to me for the analogy, though.  I'll make a decent writer yet.)

I'm procrastinating. 

It's the weather.  Spring is here in full force.  My allergies are so bad right now that my eyes are perpetually puffy.  And they burn.  My mom made a comment about it this morning:

Mom: Honey, are you ok?

Me: Actually, yes.  I feel the best I've felt in a very long time.  Why?

Mom:  You just seem kind of...out of it.  You don't look like you in your eyes.  They aren't as clear as they normally are.

Me: *Looks in mirror* Oh my God, I look like a stoner!  When did that happen??

So yeah.  Between that and the acne party that my face decided to throw last night (apparently I wasn't invited until the aftermath party this morning when I looked in the mirror), I kind of look like a mess.  I don't mean, I just do. 

Should I worry about?  Who knows.  I've always believed that beauty is more than skin deep, so hopefully no one will judge me this week because of my appearance.  But even if they do, what's it to me?  I'm untouchable at this point.

So I've discovered that I've got massive jitters with this new medicine I'm taking.  I'm going to give it until Monday before I call the doctor.  Hopefully my system will adapt.  I'm really tired of not being able to eat consistently.

And now I have to go let my neighbor's dog out. 


P.S. - Yay for double posting!

It's a Monday!

Which means that the new week has begun.  And that a busy day is around the corner.

Today started off with me walking my neighbor's dog around our apartment complex.  I, being the tired and somewhat lazy individual that I am, didn't even bother getting dressed.  So there I was, in purple polka dot pajamas, walking the dog.  It was epic.

Next up will be bowling.  Our league is almost over.  Thank goodness.  I am so burned out with it.  I really want to move on to other things.  Like the roller skating.  (Which I'm still fairly bad at, but that's ok.)

Then my speech group is getting together to practice.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I still don't have my part memorized, but we're getting there.  I think I can have my notes for security reasons, right?  I mean, that's how I've given all my other speeches.  And, as I've said a million times before, this group is so much fun to work with.  It's going to be a great afternoon.

Somewhere in there I need to eat breakfast, eat lunch, and take care of Flash.  I would say do some homework, too, but I'm not convinced I'm going to have time for that.

Off I go to get this day rolling.


Sunday, April 17, 2011

Guess What?

I slept the whole night last night.  No waking up at two and three in the morning, no feelings of anxiety or panic, no horrible nightmares.  I slept the whole night and woke up on my own about twenty minutes before my alarm went off.

I feel great.

This is it.  I am finally getting my life under control again.  I feel like I can take on the world.  It's a very satisfying feeling.
Dog sitting this weekend is exciting.  I swear, that dog is crazy.  This morning she kept wanting to go outside.  So we'd go outside and all she would do was eat the rabbit crap.  So then we'd go back inside.  Repeat the cycle not five minutes later.  Crazy dog.

I've been watching "Say Yes to the Dress" while I'm over there.  I think I am addicted to the show.  I love it.  Now, I'm not a wedding crazy person or anything, but I love the dresses.  (I have an idea of what I want when the time comes for me to get married.  Crazy, yes, but fun anyway.)  And watching the brides - wow.  So many of them break down into tears when they're trying on the dresses. 

When the time comes for me to get married, I want to be a beautiful bride. 

Ok, enough of that.  Moving on.

Today is a loaded day filled with homework, cleaning, writing, and knitting.  Oh, and dog sitting. 

Bring it on world.  I'm ready.


Saturday, April 16, 2011


I've been waking up at two and three in the morning fairly consistently the past week or two.  I wake up, realize that I either have to go to the bathroom or need to roll over, then take up to three hours to fall back asleep only to have to get up a few hours later. 

Last night was no exception.  Two am rolls around and poof.  I'm wide awake.

Yeah, it makes me tired.  I think it must just be because things are winding down and my brain is over compensating for it.  But really, it would be nice to have a night where I sleep the whole way through. 

So, I've noticed some side effects of the anti-depressant I'm taking.  It makes me very thirsty.  It also makes me less hungry.  (That could be a good thing.)  But the one that is bothering me is the nausea.  It makes me so sick to my stomach. 

I went out with my friend yesterday and we went to Red Robin.  I was eating cheese sticks and doing fine.  But five bites into my burger and it hit me.  I couldn't eat any more.  Same with dinner last night.  My friend is on similar medicine and has assured me that it will go away within two weeks. 

I really hope she's right.  The mental benefits are great, but the upset stomach needs to go.

Also, I'm dog sitting this weekend.  As it turns out, the dog has an aneurysm.  That explains the heavy panting, the seizures, the shaking, and the neurotic behavior.  She seemed happy this morning despite it all.  As long as she doesn't die on me, we shall all be good.

It's going to be a good weekend.

And on that note, I'm going to grab some breakfast.


Friday, April 15, 2011

It's Friday!

I'm going out with one of my friends today.  So excited.  There really is nothing like girl time out.  Shopping, talking, eating.  It totally doesn't matter what we do.  The fact is it's fun and relaxing and just us.

It's been a really great week, my dear readers.  I've been comparing this week to last week and really and truly, there is no comparison.  My new medicine seems to be working wonderfully.  I'm not over analyzing things that I normally would.  I'm not stressed about or hyper aware of things like I normally would be.  I feel like I can actually function again.

And I'm enjoying meeting with my public speaking group.  They are so supportive and understanding, and I love working with them.  It's giving me a new perspective on group work.  Normally I hate group work.  I mean, some people are slackers, others are complainers.  It's hard to get stuff done.  Not with this group.  I think this is going to be such a good speech!  Everyone's pulling their weight and we all work so well together.

My homework for this weekend is really light, too, which is fairly unusual.  It almost makes me wonder if I missed something.  But you know what?  I'm not going to worry about it right now. 

After all, it's Friday.  I'm going to go out and have some fun today. 

I suggest you guys do the same. =D


Thursday, April 14, 2011

It's Spring, Which Means Snow.

Go ahead.  Ask me how  I feel about it.

It was nice last night and into the morning - there was a good, gentle rain that made everything smell good.  Then it turned on us.  Now it's snow and fog.  This is the kind of weather I expect to get in the fall. 

The funny part is that the blades of grass are still sticking up through the white gunk, as if to remind us that it is spring.

So what am I doing today?

I'm hanging out at school, going to my various classes.  I'm about to actually go grab some lunch, too.  I'm not sitting where I normally sit; I need to shake up my routine a bit.  It's promising to be another good day.

I'm exhausted, though.  I got up at 3 in the morning and had so much trouble falling back asleep.  Coupled with the weather, it makes for a long day.  Oh well.  I have no room to complain.  I found out one of my friends has been up for over 24 hours studying. 

Life of college students I guess.

Now, to go get some pizza.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011


So my family and I went to see the National Geographic exhibit on pirates at the local museum.  Can I just tell you how awesome it was??

Now, I've always been of the mindset that ninjas are cooler than pirates.  Always.  But I think I'm going to have to change my mind.

The pirate ship they spotlighted was called the Whydah, which started off as a slave ship before being captured by Sam Bellamy.  Once Bellamy took over the ship, it became a pirate ship and plundered other ships for treasures until it crashed in a storm a year later.

It was such an interesting exhibit!  And it made me want to be a pirate.  Oh my goodness, I would've loved to have been one of those brave women who told society to screw off and went to be one of the men.  Feared, respected, awesome.

Of course, if you were caught, you were hung.  That kind of sucked.

But really.  You guys should all go look up Sam Bellamy and the Whydah.  It's really interesting stuff.



Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Today is a Good Day.

I think my new medicine is kicking in.  Things didn't bother me as much at school as they would have two weeks ago.  I feelt like I am starting to be able to handle life again.

My friend Emily and I went over to Baja Fresh for lunch today.  It was the first time I went over there and it was pretty good.  We had a good time talking.  You know, girl time.  Plus the food was tasty.

Of course, when I got back to school I discovered that it was free food day.  That's my luck most of the time where free food is concerned.  But the tacos were totally worth it.

I didn't have to give my psychology presentation today.  We ran out of time.  The beauty of this is that I can now add to my powerpoint to make it even better.  I'm pretty happy about that.

Oh, and I met a boy at school who seems to value me for my intellect.  It's kind of nice being seen and accepted for who I am.  He's a nice, funny, odd guy, too.  And he reads.  I would have never gotten to known him if he wasn't in my group for speech class.  It makes my day a little happier.

And on that note, I'm off to the chaos of the rest of my Tuesday.

Until we meet again, dear readers.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Where Did the Weekend Go?

I'm so used to my weekends being long and drawn out.  This one broke the trend and flew by - I honestly can't figure out where it went or what I did, actually.  I think I underestimated my time for homework; as it stands, I still have things due tomorrow that aren't ready to go.

Eh. That's life for you.

Which reminds me.  I need to register for the fall semester today.  Registering can be a hassle, but for the most part it's fairly straight forward.  The real fun is thinking about the possibilities of the new semester.  You know, what you could learn, who you could meet, what you could do.  It's exciting.

I'm still not feeling entirely well.  I think this medicine is going to be good as soon as my body catches up with it.  I don't feel as depressed or upset as I did last week.  The real test is going to be school tomorrow.  Last week I left early on Tuesday because of a panic attack and on Thursday I felt like the walls were caving in.  (Over hearing people talk about you doesn't help any either.)

If I can make it through tomorrow without having panic attacks, fear, stress, anxiety, or tears then I will be happy.  I can do it.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

On a different note, my group presentation is going to be awesome.  The two people in my group are fantastic; there will be references to zombies (thank you, informative speech, for being the best thing I've done in public speaking thus far) and lots of making fun of celebrities.  I can't wait.

I'm also back to working out.  So far, it's been brutal.  But I'm trying to see the ending goals: being a size tweleve again, doing a 5K with my sister next year, and just generally being healthy again.  It keeps me going.  And I'm not doing it alone, either - a few classmates are doing it with me for a psychology project.  Plus my mom's doing it as well.

As for where everything else is...well.  I applied for a job over at Borders and I'm going to apply for one over at Home Depot.  My poetry is the best it's been in a long time.  So it's not all bad.  It just seems like it at times.

And now I need to eat some lunch.  I'll write later, my dear readers.


Sunday, April 10, 2011

So Far Today...

...I have managed to piss my mom off. 

And it's not even 10 am yet.

Just another day here in the life.


Saturday, April 9, 2011

Yay Coffee.

I made the mistake of drinking a McDonald's vanilla coffee today.  I do fine with mochas for the most part and I can handle regular coffee.  Kind of.  But I think the amount of sugar and caffiene found in the coffee that I consumed today was over the top.

I'm not saying it wasn't good, because it was amazing and I would drink it again in a heartbeat.  But I have such a case of the jitters.  Oh my goodness.  I mean, this is why I don't drink Mountain Dew, folks.  The jitters are bad news.

In other news, I started my new medication today.  Provided everything goes well, this should prove to work to my advantage.  As long as I can still write good poetry (the stuff from this week has been amazing, you have no idea) and as long as I can function without feeling like the walls are caving in, then it should be good.  I'm ready for some positive results.

I'm hoping that this week at school will be better than last week.  I'm still waiting to see if the boy with the braces is going to talk to me.  Maybe I blew that one out of the water.  Maybe I missed my window.  But I'm trying to be hopeful. 

I'm also hopeful that, if people mock me for reading, I won't hear it.  (I overheard some things last week; it's not even really worth my time to mention it here.) And that if I fail at my presentations, I fail with style.  Honestly, the worst part of things is over.  It should all be downhill from here.

And now I have to go finish my paper for this week. Joy.


Friday, April 8, 2011

It's Not Mono!

Yay!  That makes me very happy.  And my liver enzymes are going back down to where they are supposed to be. 

That is the good news.

Now, here's the interesting/bad news.

The doctor won't put me back on the same medicine I was on.  In fact, she doesn't want to put me back on anything to regulate me because it's killing my liver.  That's all well and good except for the fact that I had a near panic attack at school this week and I've barely held it together.

So I told her that.  And she's decided to try an anti-anxiety pill to see if that's going to help.   It's not necessarily because I'm dealing with depression or anxiety she said, but more or less because my stupid PMS is so bad.  It's one of those things that they prescribe women who deal with it like I do.

I'm just curious as to why there doesn't seem to be middle ground for me.  I feel a lot better today than I have all week, which is definitly an improvement.  But I can't seem to stay in the good vibes for very long.  This week was a prime example of that.

I want to feel things cause that's where all my good writing comes from, but I think there comes a time when you feel too much and become overwhelmed.  I don't know how to regulate that out.

So what I'm going to do is give the medicine a whirl and see if it'll help keep me from panicing at school for the next three weeks.  I'm also doing a thing for psychology that requires me to work out every day for the next four weeks.  My thinking is that I will be able to stop taking the medicine once I get through school and get regulated from the exercise. 

I better not be able to lose my ability to write.  That's the one thing I'm concerned about.  I want to do poetry for the rest of my life.  If there is no feeling, there is no writing. 

We will see how it goes.


Thursday, April 7, 2011

I Think I've Found It.

What I want to do with my life, that is.

We had a jazz poetry thing today at school.  Basically, it's poetry read to live jazz music.  Whoever wanted to read could read, plus the wonderful people putting it on read.

It was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed and been a part of.  I loved hearing the pieces that were read.  And I read a piece.

I feel like all the emotion I had pent up this week came out in that piece and it was suddenly like I could breathe again.  Like I had been holding a breath I didn't realize I was holding.  I was shaking from the release.  I mean, it was almost like a spiritual experience.

And now I know what I want to do with my life.

I want to write poetry.  And I want to read it live, some with music, some without.  I want my voice - my stupid, shy, obnoxious, quiet voice - to be heard.  Because I have something to say.  I have a lot of somethings to say.  And it's important.

I need to share my life in this way.  I need to write and to read and read live and to write some more.  I need this. 

And to all the voices that tell me I can't, to all the people who have hurt me in the past, to all the things that have piled up until I can't see the sunlight or the moonlight, I have news for you.  It is because of you that I am going to do this.  I have so much that I have bottled up my whole life and it's time. 

It's time to shine.  It's time to share.  And it's time for it to come out.

This is my life and I know now that this is what I want.  So go ahead.  Bring me down.  Because that's the stuff that I will be publishing in the next few years.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011


It's raining.  Finally.

That's the problem with Colorado - it's either freakishly dry or it snows.  It's so rare to have a good rain storm.  (At least, that's how it feels to me.  I might be biased, though, cause I'm a native of the Midwest.)

Maybe this means I'll sleep well tonight.  Goodness knows I need to have a good day tomorrow.  Maybe rain and good sleep with help.


It's raining.  I'm happy.  At least, happier than I've been most of the week.

And now I'm going to bed.


Chopping Down the Stack.

It's more of like casually picking at it in a slow but steady manner.  I just like the way the word "chopping" sounds today.

I feel like I am starting to see daylight.  At least, a little bit.  I only have one thing left to do for tomorrow, which I'll get done as soon as I'm done blogging on here.  I still feel like I can't breathe easily, but that will pass.  This whole thing will pass.

It always does.

I think it's really going to help when the doctor gets my stuff figured out.  Granted, my pill won't be a cure all.  But it sure helps with my PMS symptoms, which are what's going on this week.

I had to change my speech topic.  I was going to talk about self harm and why you should reach out to those who do it.  I thought it would be good, both for the class and for me.  I thought I was ready to talk about it. 

I was wrong.

Honestly, there's no way I would make it through tomorrow if I was giving that as a speech.  I'm already a bordering basket case.  Why should I put myself though that?

So now I'm going to give a speech on why you should listen to classical music while doing your homework.  I don't know if it's going to be long enough or if it's going to be good, but it's better than the one I was going to give. 

I really do just want to make it through the next few weeks.  I feel like I'm barely treading water right now, which is a change from yesterday when I felt like I was drowing.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

I'm going to take all these frustrations I feel from school and life and I'm going to write a collection of poetry.  Then I'm going to revise it a million times and try to get it published.  But before I get it published, I'm going to find an open mike session downtown and read them. 

I want to read my stuff outloud.  I've never wanted to before, but now I do. 

Maybe it's the weather.

Anyway, that's what's going on here.  Still trudging, still plodding, still chopping in a meticulous fashion that ants are jealous of.

Until tomorrow.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

What a Week. :P

It has been such a crappy week and it's only Tuesday.  Tuesday, guys.  I don't know if I'm going to make it to Friday, believe it or not.

A huge part of it is my mood.  The doctor is changing my medications and right now, I'm not on squat.  I have been on such a huge roller coaster ride the past week and a half.  This week has been the down slope.

Or rather crash.

I have four weeks of school left; everything massive is due in the next two weeks.  Everything is hitting me wrong.  I started crying Sunday night, cried most of the morning yesterday, and then had to leave school today for the same thing.

I feel like I'm crashing and burning in the solar system, totally alone.

And no, I don't usually feel this way.

I was reading T.S. Elliot today, because I love the man, and these two girls from one of my classes came over and sat with me.  Turns out, both of them do drugs and they decided that that's what they were going to talk about with me.  After a half hour of laughing at the absurdity of the stories I was hearing and standing up for my own values, I decided it was probably time to go.  I had nearly made that decision when the guy that I have a crush on walked by.  That really made my choice up for me - I don't want to be associated as a drug person.

Because I'm not.  Believe me.  I don't drink, do drugs, or party.  I am content staying at home and reading literature.

I went to the fourth floor and sat alone with my book of poetry and realized that there are very few people I've met who actually enjoy that sort of thing.  I've just about given up on finding anyone of the opposite gender who appreciates things like "the Wasteland".

Add to this a headache and a constantly threatening nervous break down and I knew I had to get out of there.  Sorry speech class.  I couldn't breathe.

I haven't felt this way in such a long time.  Such a long time.  I need to breathe, need to breathe, need to breathe.

I feel jumpy, upset, like everything is too much. 

To top it off, it seems like I might be catching strep throat. 

I feel like I can't do it.  I know that I can, but I feel like I can't.

Maybe the rest of the week will look better.


Monday, April 4, 2011

Music Challenge Day 29: A Song from Your Childhood

"Beautiful Boy" by John Lennon is a song my dad would sing to my sister and I when we were little.  Good times.

Yay songs from childhood.


Sunday, April 3, 2011

Learning to Drive: The Backseat View

My sister is learning to drive.

Let me rephrase this.

My baby sister is learning to drive.  Her goal is to get her license when she turns 18 next month.  It's both exciting and scary on many levels.

So as she's learning to drive, I've been relegated to the backseat.  Not that bad of a thing - it gives me a chance to crank up my iPod and stare mindlessly out the window at the beautiful scenary.  A nice change of pace, one could say.

Except for the fact that she's learning.  She's getting better, don't get me wrong.  But it's a little scary at the same time.  Sharp turns, breaking, accelerating, the whole nine yards. 

Everything that I once had to learn how to do.

It makes me think of my own driving experience.

Learning to drive was scary for me as well.  I was clumsy, kutzy, and timid.  Going above 40 miles an hour was beyond my comprehension.  Some of the more memorable experiences included:

~ Learning to drive my dad's manual 1995 Ford Focus before it bit the dust

~ Killing said manual on our apartment speed bumps and getting told to "Get off the fucking road" by some random jerk

~ Learning how to night drive in the Jeep on the back roads

~ Nearly hitting a herd of elk on said back roads

~ Driving on Thanksgiving day through the snow and almost plowing over a "Ped X-ing" sign

~ My mom telling me to gun the engine and then break and turn at the same time in an empty parking lot on a hill

~ Me not turning fast enough or breaking hard enough and almost sending us rolling down the hill

~ Getting honked at countless times by random strangers

But even though my parents were both white knuckled and my sister was dying in the backseat, I made it through and got my license with flying colors.  I now drive happily and with confidence.

It's going to be the same with my sister.  As soon as she gets the hang of it, she'll do great on the road.  It just takes practice.  And when she gets there, it's going to be awesome.

One thing I know for sure though: When I'm married and have kids, my husband is going to be the one teaching them how to drive.


Music Challenge Day 28: A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

Oh, the amazing wonder of music association.

"Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield.

Here's why it makes me feel guilty:

This song came out when I was a stupid little teenager (17 and 18) and thought that I really liked this guy I had known for a few years.  I blew off my family and friends a couple of times for him only to have it turn out that it wasn't like that on his end.  Basically, I made a fool of myself and did a lot of really immature things during that time.

This song happened to be playing in his truck on one of those occasions.  I believe it was the night of a choir concert.

So, it's in the past.  I've grown up, moved on, and become friends with him again.  (No romantic feelings, though, which is probably a good thing.)  But I still squirm when I hear this song.

Which is kind of sad, because it is a good song.

Oh well.  Live and learn, right?


Saturday, April 2, 2011

Four Weeks Left.

As this Saturday passed, I realized one very crucial thing: I only have four weeks of school left for the semester.

This means a number of things.

1. Everything is due in the next three weeks so I need to massively get myself in gear.

2. I'm going to have to apply for a job in the next three weeks.

3. Holy Cow, Batman, where on earth did all the time go???


4. How in the world am I supposed to focus when the weather has been so incredibly nice?

So this is now going to be a week for tactics. My life (and semester at this point) is too short to waste.  Time to come up with some plans.

Here's the run down:

1. I'm going to keep trudging through my homework even though I really don't feel like doing it.

2. Even though my first class is cancelled on Tuesday and even though nothing is due until Thursday, I'm going to go to school like any other day and do the homework like it's due on Tuesday.

3. I am going to stay focused as long as I can while making sure I go outside and enjoy the weather.


4. I'm going to try to get a summer job at a place where it won't matter if it sucks because I don't go there that often. (Also, no more food places.)

So those are my plans.  I'm not too worried about them.  Even though I haven't been sleeping well at all. 

(I think I might be a little more stressed than I think I am, but that's just between us.)

Wish me luck.  Prayers are good, too.  I really just want everything to work out so that the semester will end on a pleasant note and so that I'm possibly not eating lunch by myself on the next three or four Tuesdays. 

I'll keep everyone posted on how this finishes out.


Music Challenge Day 27: A Song You Wish You Could Play

I love the love theme for Inuyasha and Kagome.  It's so pretty.  I have the sheet music and I've tried doing it on the violin, but the truth is that it just sounds better on piano.

Such a beautiful song. =D

Ah, I can't figure out the hand syncopation.

Maybe one day I'll invest in lessons.


Friday, April 1, 2011

Well, That's Not Good.

So, I've had a number of blood tests done in the past month.

A few were from my stint in the ER.  While I got away pretty much Scott-free there, it brought up some concerns with my regular doctor.  My liver enzymes were higher than they should have been.

I stopped taking a certain medicine and went in for more blood tests.

Today I got the results back.  I am pleased to say that I am a healthy, happy 20 and a half year old young woman.

With one exception.

The liver enzymes, which were supposed to go down, sky rocketed.

They aren't at levels that are massively concerning, but something is definitly going on.  So now I have to go get more blood work done this week.

My doctor thinks that it's possible that either the medicine did more harm than good and my body was just over compensating for it or that I have mono.  Mono would fit because I was so sick last semester and I have a constant sore throat right now; but where and how I would've caught it is a mystery to me.  I don't share food with people typically.  I'm very particular about my hygiene.

I've never kissed any one.


So if it turns out that it's not either of those options, then I get to go see a GI specialist.  Joy.

I'll keep everyone posted on this turn of events.

In good news, my public speaking instructor has a good sense of humor and gave me an A on my speech about zombies.  That's a relief.  I think it was seriously the most fun giving a speech that I've had since the semester started.

Sadly, the next speech isn't going to be like that.  It's a persuasive speech and I'm talking about a fairly serious topic.

But the group speech is going to be awesome.  We're doing an award show and are dressing up for it.  I get to be the presentor.  Very exciting. =D

I'll keep you guys posted on everything.


Music Challenge Day 26: A Song You Can Play on an Instrument

I'm a classically trained violinist.

Granted, I don't play much anymore and I don't practice.

But I have performed this song many times.

Many, many times.

Vivaldi's Violin Concerto in A minor.

Love it.