Happy Day!

It's official, my dear readers.  I am a published author now.  I have had one of my poems published in the school literary magazine. 

Now, whenever I feel discourages, I can look at that and at my rejection letter from earlier to remind myself that I am on the right path for my life.

It's encouraging.

Everything is going exceptionally well.  My grades are coming up in time for the semester to end, which is nice.  I don't think it's going to be a 4.0, but considering what's gone on this semester, I'm okay with that.  My health is back under control.  I'm losing weight, my moods are managable again, and I'm feeling better than I've felt in a very long time.

And summer is nearly here.  I still don't have a job lined up, but the store my dad works at is hiring so there's a chance I could get employed there.

Summer is going to be wonderful.  I'm going to spend time with my friends and family.  I'm going to get caught up on all my reading.  More toys will be made.  It's going to be great.

Oh, and something even more exciting may be coming about.  But I don't want to talk about it on here until I know for sure.  Don't worry, though.  I'll keep you guys posted.

And now, bed.

~Meaghan

Where Did the Weekend Go?

I'm so used to my weekends being long and drawn out.  This one broke the trend and flew by - I honestly can't figure out where it went or what I did, actually.  I think I underestimated my time for homework; as it stands, I still have things due tomorrow that aren't ready to go.

Eh. That's life for you.

Which reminds me.  I need to register for the fall semester today.  Registering can be a hassle, but for the most part it's fairly straight forward.  The real fun is thinking about the possibilities of the new semester.  You know, what you could learn, who you could meet, what you could do.  It's exciting.

I'm still not feeling entirely well.  I think this medicine is going to be good as soon as my body catches up with it.  I don't feel as depressed or upset as I did last week.  The real test is going to be school tomorrow.  Last week I left early on Tuesday because of a panic attack and on Thursday I felt like the walls were caving in.  (Over hearing people talk about you doesn't help any either.)

If I can make it through tomorrow without having panic attacks, fear, stress, anxiety, or tears then I will be happy.  I can do it.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

On a different note, my group presentation is going to be awesome.  The two people in my group are fantastic; there will be references to zombies (thank you, informative speech, for being the best thing I've done in public speaking thus far) and lots of making fun of celebrities.  I can't wait.

I'm also back to working out.  So far, it's been brutal.  But I'm trying to see the ending goals: being a size tweleve again, doing a 5K with my sister next year, and just generally being healthy again.  It keeps me going.  And I'm not doing it alone, either - a few classmates are doing it with me for a psychology project.  Plus my mom's doing it as well.

As for where everything else is...well.  I applied for a job over at Borders and I'm going to apply for one over at Home Depot.  My poetry is the best it's been in a long time.  So it's not all bad.  It just seems like it at times.

And now I need to eat some lunch.  I'll write later, my dear readers.

~Meaghan

I Think I've Found It.

What I want to do with my life, that is.

We had a jazz poetry thing today at school.  Basically, it's poetry read to live jazz music.  Whoever wanted to read could read, plus the wonderful people putting it on read.

It was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed and been a part of.  I loved hearing the pieces that were read.  And I read a piece.

I feel like all the emotion I had pent up this week came out in that piece and it was suddenly like I could breathe again.  Like I had been holding a breath I didn't realize I was holding.  I was shaking from the release.  I mean, it was almost like a spiritual experience.

And now I know what I want to do with my life.

I want to write poetry.  And I want to read it live, some with music, some without.  I want my voice - my stupid, shy, obnoxious, quiet voice - to be heard.  Because I have something to say.  I have a lot of somethings to say.  And it's important.

I need to share my life in this way.  I need to write and to read and read live and to write some more.  I need this. 

And to all the voices that tell me I can't, to all the people who have hurt me in the past, to all the things that have piled up until I can't see the sunlight or the moonlight, I have news for you.  It is because of you that I am going to do this.  I have so much that I have bottled up my whole life and it's time. 

It's time to shine.  It's time to share.  And it's time for it to come out.

This is my life and I know now that this is what I want.  So go ahead.  Bring me down.  Because that's the stuff that I will be publishing in the next few years.

~Meaghan

Chopping Down the Stack.

It's more of like casually picking at it in a slow but steady manner.  I just like the way the word "chopping" sounds today.

I feel like I am starting to see daylight.  At least, a little bit.  I only have one thing left to do for tomorrow, which I'll get done as soon as I'm done blogging on here.  I still feel like I can't breathe easily, but that will pass.  This whole thing will pass.

It always does.

I think it's really going to help when the doctor gets my stuff figured out.  Granted, my pill won't be a cure all.  But it sure helps with my PMS symptoms, which are what's going on this week.

I had to change my speech topic.  I was going to talk about self harm and why you should reach out to those who do it.  I thought it would be good, both for the class and for me.  I thought I was ready to talk about it. 

I was wrong.

Honestly, there's no way I would make it through tomorrow if I was giving that as a speech.  I'm already a bordering basket case.  Why should I put myself though that?

So now I'm going to give a speech on why you should listen to classical music while doing your homework.  I don't know if it's going to be long enough or if it's going to be good, but it's better than the one I was going to give. 

I really do just want to make it through the next few weeks.  I feel like I'm barely treading water right now, which is a change from yesterday when I felt like I was drowing.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

I'm going to take all these frustrations I feel from school and life and I'm going to write a collection of poetry.  Then I'm going to revise it a million times and try to get it published.  But before I get it published, I'm going to find an open mike session downtown and read them. 

I want to read my stuff outloud.  I've never wanted to before, but now I do. 

Maybe it's the weather.

Anyway, that's what's going on here.  Still trudging, still plodding, still chopping in a meticulous fashion that ants are jealous of.

Until tomorrow.

~Meaghan

What a Week. :P

It has been such a crappy week and it's only Tuesday.  Tuesday, guys.  I don't know if I'm going to make it to Friday, believe it or not.

A huge part of it is my mood.  The doctor is changing my medications and right now, I'm not on squat.  I have been on such a huge roller coaster ride the past week and a half.  This week has been the down slope.

Or rather crash.

I have four weeks of school left; everything massive is due in the next two weeks.  Everything is hitting me wrong.  I started crying Sunday night, cried most of the morning yesterday, and then had to leave school today for the same thing.

I feel like I'm crashing and burning in the solar system, totally alone.

And no, I don't usually feel this way.

I was reading T.S. Elliot today, because I love the man, and these two girls from one of my classes came over and sat with me.  Turns out, both of them do drugs and they decided that that's what they were going to talk about with me.  After a half hour of laughing at the absurdity of the stories I was hearing and standing up for my own values, I decided it was probably time to go.  I had nearly made that decision when the guy that I have a crush on walked by.  That really made my choice up for me - I don't want to be associated as a drug person.

Because I'm not.  Believe me.  I don't drink, do drugs, or party.  I am content staying at home and reading literature.

I went to the fourth floor and sat alone with my book of poetry and realized that there are very few people I've met who actually enjoy that sort of thing.  I've just about given up on finding anyone of the opposite gender who appreciates things like "the Wasteland".

Add to this a headache and a constantly threatening nervous break down and I knew I had to get out of there.  Sorry speech class.  I couldn't breathe.

I haven't felt this way in such a long time.  Such a long time.  I need to breathe, need to breathe, need to breathe.

I feel jumpy, upset, like everything is too much. 

To top it off, it seems like I might be catching strep throat. 

I feel like I can't do it.  I know that I can, but I feel like I can't.

Maybe the rest of the week will look better.

~Meaghan