Sunday, November 9, 2008

....lack of motivation....

I really don't feel like writing here, if I am being totally honest with myself. I love the expression, but the feeling of having very few to none people read this is kind of depressing. I know that's no reason to update, but then there is the fact that I have been feeling a bit low lately....

I have frequent bouts of depression. I'm not on any medications for it as I have developed the mind over matter cure, but they still drive me nuts. It becomes hard to write about anything, it's hard to look in the mirror, and it's hard to get out of bed. My sleep paterens are whacked up right now (I'm sleeping a lot at odd increments - I fall asleep on the couch and then sleep the whole night) and I've been really moody. You can blame it on PMS if you want, as that is probably accurate.

I think I just feel overwhelmed and it's affecting me. As is the weather. I love the fall and winter, but it kills me. Watching everything die outside makes me think about death and ruts and everything else - don't worry. I sound depressed and I feel it, but it will pass and I am fairly strong. I have people who need me, so I won't be going anywhere soon.

I start college next year (I've been accepted) and am working two part time jobs to help pay for it and my needs. I need a new computer and I need to pay for my expenses and I would like a bigger iPod (it's a want, not a need - my iPod is a 2 gig and I rotate songs on it because I have so many). The last thing isn't a concern, but the other two are. Plus Christmas time is coming up and despite trying not to get involved in everything, I am easily guilted and talked into things, so I am afraid I have bitten off more than I can chew....

So I'm walking away from the one almost relationship that I had going (we never really dated anyway, so it's okay - we will still be friends, but I have no time to worry about it now) and I'm trying not to dwell on the future. I just want to survive the next few months. If I can do that, then the rest will fall into place, I hope.

And that is the long explanation for why I am unmotivated. When I find the motivation, I will write again.

Until then, remember to always brush your teeth and eat your veggies.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Thank God I don't have writer's block anymore!

It really makes me happy that I seem to have gotten rid of my writer's block. Well, at least for a little while, anyway. I was lucky - this time it only lasted about a week or two. I've had times where the cursed writer's block has lasted for a few months. That was torture.

So now I'm back to writing and (hopefully) updating my blog here. My big project that I hope to one day finish and possibly get published (Dereck and Brie) are currently on the back burner as I have found that poetry seems to be the only thing that wants to come out of my pencil. So I guess that means that I haven't entirely gotten rid of the writer's block, but it definately is a start.

Poetry is kind of fun. If you learn about it in school, the teachers and curriculum will try and force you to write within the "poetry rules". That kills. The best kind of poetry is the stuff that doesn't rhyme or follow proper grammer. The best kind is the stuff that comes from straight from your heart before you begin to analyze it - the raw words that are painfully real and that speak for you when you can't. Of course, you can go back and clean up your poetry so that it rhymes and is pretty; for me, though, that just doesn't do. All mine is real and raw and most of it will never see the light of day.

However, some of it is rather good. I keep all my writing and date it, so that I can go back a few weeks, months, or even years later to re-read it. It always is fun to do that - you can see personal growth as well as improvement in writing.

Well, cyberland people, that is where we will have to leave off, as I have to work. I'll update again later - if you are interested in reading my poetry, let me know. I may put some up.

Until next time.