Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Blogging Madness and Optimism

Maybe I'm optimistic because I'm about to see my boyfriend next weekend.  Or maybe I'm optimistic because I've cried all the bad, sad feelings out.  Or maybe, just maybe, I'm optimistic because it's time to be.

Who knows?  Who cares?

It's stormy outside with snow and rain and sleet, but my mood is oddly...content.  I feel like I can finally see some sort of silverlining out there.  Bout time too.

I've given up on the traditional God.  I believe in God, I love God, I believe God loves me and has a plan for me (much like everyone else).  But I am done confining God to a box called Religion.  So I'm faithful and spiritual and religionless.  If that makes sense.  I feel I have a better relationship with the Devine now that I've kind of hit that point.  It's...freeing.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do once I graduate.  Will I go back for more classes?  Will I get that full time job?

All I know is that whatever I do, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability.  I want to be the best Meaghan that I can be.  I don't need to be Elizabeth Zimmerman or T.S. Eliot or Sylvia Plath or Debbie Bliss.  I don't need to be my classmates, my professors, or anyone else.  I just need to be me.

Which is hard, because sometimes I really want to be elevated and great like my peers.  But we all have our own strengths and I'm realizing it's time I start playing to mine instead of forcing them to be like others.

So yeah.  I feel optimistic.  I'm even sitting up straighter, for whatever that's worth.  I'm reading books of poetry and meditations and techniques to free your creative juice from your inner critics.  I'm learning to design better things, and I'm knitting like never before. 

I'm even considering getting a shop on Etsy.  If I do, I'll post a link so you can see and maybe buy what I have up.

I hope that you, my dear readers, are hitting that point of quiet optimism.  It really is like breathing again.


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

To Dream in Yarn

I've recently come to the realization that I really want to combine my two loves - writing and knitting - into one career.  My high aspiration is to publish my own knitting books with my designs in them and to one day write for Vogue Knitting.

That being said, I have a ways to go.

I think the key is to keep at it.  Keep designing on whims what I like and what I feel.  Keep knitting in as many colors and yarn types as I can.  And to write.  Oh yes.  Write.

Creation has become my oxygen.  I find more and more lately that if I'm not creating something at any given moment (be it an essay for school, a journal entry before bed, or a sweater while watching TV) then I feel empty.  I have no drive and feel like I have no purpose.

Maybe my purpose here on Earth right now is to create.  I think that must be what it means.  Right now, it's the thing I do that makes me feel alive.

I've started giving some thought to the kind of knitting books I would write.  I think the first one would be a book of hats.  Mens hats, womens hats, kids hats.  Some basic, some complex.  Something for everyone and every level, I think.  I've already started constructing patterns.  My favorite is my Heart Hat:

I created it last fall.  It would be a moderate pattern - a basic knowledge of colorwork is needed.

Then I think I would progress to mittens and gloves.  Then a book on scarves.  Then a book on sweaters.

That's what I want to do. 

The sky really is the limit. 

I'm not sure how I would get into writing or editing or designing for Vogue Knitting though.  I guess I just have to keep at it and start submitting things to various places, do my research and find where, try to get a job or internship, and did I mention keep at it?

Yeah.  It's going to be a bit of a long journey.

But I can't honestly think of a better one to take.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Curse You, Chipotle

Or maybe bless you.  I'm not sure which.  Here's the story:

 I saw this ad the other night during the Grammys.  I love the song, I love the animation, and really, it's a good ad.

But I was incredibly upset about the farmer.  My grandparents are farmers out in the midwest, and actually, most of my dad's family is filled with farmers.  I hated seeing the little farm get swallowed up by the meat packing plant. 

And I hated what happened to the pigs.  Now, I'm not a vegetarian by any means.  In fact, I had a burger for dinner last night.  But that made me want to stop eating meat all together.  Or at least switiching to free range food.

(None of this made me want to eat Chipotle, by the way.)

It made me think about life.  The more I think about how things work in modern day American, the more upset it makes me.  Why?  Why are small businesses swallowed whole by the machine?  Why are animals treated so inhumanely, and the people who work and live here even worse?  Why does corporation seem to own everything?

The more you work, the harder it is to get ahead.  If it's the American dream to be able to come and start your own business and to own your own life, then why is it so hard to get started?  You have to have a ton of money for down payments.  You have to be able to pay the rent, the utilities, and the supplies.  And chances are, unless you're just really fortunate, you're probably going to go under by the cheaper, mega stores.

It's not fair.  Is there anything we can do?

I think so.  Maybe change starts inside each of us.  I've decided I want to start changing my life so that I can go and influence the world.  I'm trying to cut back on meat.  When I go shopping on my own, I'm going to look for locally raised animals and products.  I try to support local endeavors, like the local yarn shops and eateries.

And I'm going to simplify.  Clean out the clutter, cut back on what I need.  I'm already working on becoming self sufficient; I can knit clothing.  Maybe this spring I'll set up a small herb garden on my window sill. 

The more I find my inner self and my inner peace, the more I can act upon it.  The less I can rely on corporations, the better off I'll be.  And slowly but surely, a difference will be made.

Maybe that's why people get so hung up on religion.  They are trying to find their inner peace so they can make a difference and find contentment.  I think I understand now.  Or maybe I don't.  

The more I go through life, the more I realize that I really don't know squat about anything.  I can try to figure it out, but other than that, I don't think there truly are answers.

But maybe that's a blog for another time.

What do you think, dear readers?


Monday, February 13, 2012

Why We Chose to Not Celebrate Valentine's Day

My boyfriend and I, on the last night we saw each other last month before he went back to school, decided a very important thing: we will not be celebrating Valentine's Day.

It's not that it's a bad idea.  I think it could be nice, actually.  The whole story of St. Valentine who married lovers in secret and then was murdered for it is not bad.

It's the commercialism.  Why do we need a day to make singles feel like shit?  Why do we need a day to guilt guys and girls into buying useless junk for each other or run the risk of feeling guilty?  And for the love of everything sane, why must it be covered in pink???

We, my Trevor and I, decided that really, we don't.  We love each other year round.  We've been together almost a year.  We're going to be together at least another year, then another, and another, and so forth, God willing.  Why on earth should we stress ourselves out with this?

I thought I would be upset.  I really did.

But the fact is, I'm relieved.  I don't have to worry about buying a disgustingly pink card for him, or chocolates or boxers or getting a little black dress or any of that.  And he doesn't have to do that for me, either.  It's nice.

We're going to keep doing what we do.  Text every night.  Skype once or twice a week.  Call once in a while.  And when we see each other, go out to dinner and catch up face to face in quiet time.

Because really.  Those are the things that matter.  Not cupid.

(Although I did buy a chocolate dipped strawberry from the local grocery store for myself.  It was delicious.)

Have a good day tomorrow dear readers, and remember - it doesn't matter what the industry says.  What matters is what you make of it.


Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Keeping Busy

I miss my boyfriend.

Yes, I know the distance is not that great.  Yes, I know that others have to endure worse.  Yes, I know that being codependent is bad and that I should keep going on with my life.

But dammit.  I miss him.

I've been doing everything I can to keep busy -  going out with friends, doing my homework, spending time with my family, knitting like my hands are going to fall off.  (I just have to do the collar of my sweater, and then it's done.)

It's not the same though.  I miss seeing him, being with him, talking with him in person.  I don't know what this says about me.  But it doesn't matter.

To top it off, I caught my sister's cold.  Everything hurts like hell today.  And I still have to go to class.

Plus I have side effects from my meds again, so my body is trying to readjust.  Not fun.

I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and cry until I fall asleep.

That has been my whine post.  I'm going to buy some bright colored yarn this week and knit myself out of this crappy place. 

The next update will be more optimistic, I promise.


Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Brief Update

I can't even remember what my last blog was about.  Probably a brief update as well.  Huh.

February is here, and I am relieved.  (And sore in strange places.  But I can't discuss that on this blog - after all, my father reads this and there are things he doesn't need to know.)

Class is alright.  I am ready to be done.  But it's okay.  I'm powering through.

Distance is hard for a relationship, but my boyfriend and I are doing well.  He came down last night and took me to a nice Italian dinner; it was lovely just to spend time with him, talking and hanging and...well.  It was nice.  He's coming into his own and I am so proud of him for that.

He's booking the hotel today or tomorrow for when I come visit in March.  It's going to be a blast!  Celestial Seasonings, a yarn shop, the Pearl Street mall, movies and swimming and just being together.  I can't wait.

I've been giving myself little motivative treats along the way.  Like the sweater I'm working on.  And getting my hair and nails done at the end of this month.  Little things to make it go faster and easier and better.

I think that's everything in my world.  I hope you guys are all doing well, dear readers. :)  I am sorry about how spurratic the updates are.  I'll try to get better about that, but no guarentees.

Until we meet again,