Monday, December 29, 2008

I forgot I need to buy calenders...

Maybe I'm in denial that 2009 starts this week, but I seriously forgot that I need calenders. So unless I go get some within the next two days (not gonna happen), I'm going to have these three open gaps on my walls. Yes, I keep three calenders plus one planner. It gives my room style and keeps me on track.

I think I have bigger concerns, though. Like getting the room my sister and I share clean before my St. Louis friend comes next week. And finally getting my Beatles headshot hung (it's a really cool wall hanging from their later years that's in black and white and framed). So what am I doing right now?

I'm sitting in the library, using the wi-fi to blog while listening to the Bravery Radio on Pandora. Pandora, if you have never used it before, is one of the coolest things on the Internet. What you do is type in a song or group you like and it will create a "radio station" based upon that. It's a great way to get to know lots of little known groups as well as hearing the ones you love. Thanks to it, I have discovered that I really like Franz Ferdinand and other various artists. I have about 7 different stations - the Bravery, Augustana, Coldplay, I Am Ghost, the White Stripes, etc.

My sister is here somewhere; it sounds bad, but we split up. I figure that a) it's the library so nothing is going to happen, and b) I'm 18 and she's 15. We can handle ourselves fairly well. I suspect she is down looking at manga books. I was really into them when I was her age and she is following suit.

And here she is, manga books in hand. She says she's bored here right now, so I think that means that I need to wrap it up. Not sure what we are going to do, but we'll think of something.

Until next time, Cyberspace.

Sunday, December 28, 2008


So, I've decided that I really want my writing to be discovered and published, but I just don't know the best way to even start. Plus, I can feel my motivation begining to slip through the cracks again. Not sure why that is, but I think I'm going to work on it.


The next two weeks are going to be really interesting. My friend from college is in town and I'm meeting her boyfriend Sunday. My hair is being dyed purple or black (still haven't decided, though I'm leaning towards purple) on Saturday. And on Monday my friend from St. Louis comes in to live with me for a week.

Like I said, interesting. Plus I still have to juggle work and cleaning my room and everything else that I have to do. I kinda want to pull my hair and scream, and at the same time I want to laugh hysterically. Actually, sleep sounds really good. I keep having these nightmares about one of my friends, which I think must mean I miss him more than I realized even though he hasn't been gone that long.

Pathetic to the highest degree.

Anyway, I think the point of this blog was to tell everyone that I may not be around to writing as much the next two weeks. This week I might at night, but I can almost guarantee that next week it will be dry as dust. Haha, cliche.

I'll write again later; I have to go fight the mess in my room.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

My "N" Key is going out...

So it's Christmas day and I have discovered something new - the "n" key on my laptop keyboard seems to be on the brink of going out. It's rather annoying because I use the "n" key quiet frequently and now I have to hit it just right or else it won't go. Blah.

I survived my day of crazyness yesterday. I woke up yesterday morning after having a bad night's sleep (I think I dreamed about spiders because I was blogging about them before bed, but I don't really remember...) and proceded to have a nervous breakdown on the way to work. Which kinda sucks, because I'm one of those people who hate crying in front of other people, especially if they are related to me or know me (like my parents, who were in the front of the car); luckily my face was not overly red at work and I survived my morning.

But then I got attacked by this big, heavy box at work. Basically I had to move this huge stack of boxes from one area to another, which isn't that big of a deal. Except for when the boxes are stacked above your head and you assume they are going to be light. I ended up dropping the box (it was really heavy and I had no grip on it whatsoever) on my head slightly and then, like in slow motion, it scratched my arms as I tried to catch it. I heard it meet the ground and realized that there was glass inside of the box. I'm pretty sure I broke whatever was in the box, but the lady in the room I was in said not to worry about it because they would just blame the UPS guy.

Sorry UPS guy. I am working on learning to be more careful.

The rest of yesterday seems to blur. I know there were three church services I attended, one that I got to watch (the puppets did a great job as did the youth bells and choir) and two that I performed in (Epic Fail the first time on the bells, much better the second service). I came home and ate onion rings from Burger King and went to bed. Apparently, onion rings from Burger King affect sleep patterns cause I had the weirdest dream last night...

Today has been a pretty good day. I got the cutest pink bunny slippers! I'm wearing them with my argile socks right now and think they are the spiffiest things since silver chains. And I got fingerless gloves, which means I can play my violin in the cold without my fingers freezing off. I've also been stuffing my face with food that is not the healthiest in any sense. I'll start my diet after the new year...

In fact, I think the only thing that is not going well today is that we still don't know why my dad's car died on the highway last week. And my "n" key is driving me batty.

I hope all you people in cyberspace have enjoyed this week of lots of updates and that you are enjoying whatever holiday you celebrate. I wanna say that I'm still going to be updating like there is no tomorrow, but I have no guarentees.

Until then, happy holidays.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Things I have learned in 2008

It was a very slow night at work this evening - I started and finished a whole book with a half hour to spare. In that half hour, I got to reflecting about the various things I have learned in the past year. For your enjoyment and because I like writing this sort of thing down for reasons unknown, here is what I have learned:

* If you mix blue and green Kool-Aid flavors to dye your hair with, while it smells nice and looks amazing the first week, it ultimately turns green and stays in place for 6 + months. I still have green in my bang region as proof.

* Therapy is actually not fun. Don't do anything that warrents going back.

* Don't break curfew unless you have a brilliantly good reason to.

* Being "one of the guys" has it's perks as long as they don't forget that you are of the feminine gender - when that happens, you are allowed to smack them on the arm and walk away.

* Never having been kissed at age 18 is not all bad, nor is being single as long.

* Never, ever assume. It really does make an ass out of u and me.

* Temporary hair dye, while it stays amazingly well on your ears, neck, pillowcase, hairbrush, etc., does not actually stay well in your hair.

* Waiting for change does nothing but make you depressed.

* Dances are obnoxiously loud

* Working with little kids is the most satisfying job I have ever had.

* Saying "No" does not make you a bad person, it merely saves you from over commiting yourself.

* Trying to find yourself is the hardest thing in the world, especially if you have no clue where to start looking.

* Books are always better than the movie, such as Twilight. (Sorry, Rob, your lines were just so cheesy that they made Cheez Whiz look like foreign Brie).

* Music makes things better.

* Going outside your comfort zone has advantages and disadvantages, but is worth the risk anyway.

And finally,

* Family is the strongest foundation you will ever have to support you and care for you. They are always there, and they always will be.

So now I feel like maybe I can relax a little tiny bit this Holiday season. After I survive participating in two Christmas Eve church services (I play handbells and sing first soprano in our choir) and watching my sister in two different services (she does bells, sings female tenor, and does puppets), that is.

Happy Holidays.

Things with eight legs are really just unnatural.

I have to admit it - I hate spiders. Ok, it's not really hate, it's more of a scream-when-I-see-one-bordering-hysteria type of thing. My family laughs at me for it, but...ew. Eight legs? Eight eyes? Two horrible vicious fangs ready to bite at a drop of a hat??

Think about it for a moment. Spiders have the creepiest structure know out there. I know they are supposed to be beneficial to nature and humans and blah, blah, blah; really, though, have you ever had one stare you down? They look at you with those beady eyes (all horrid eight of them) and it's like they know exactly what you are thinking and the power they have over you.

I have to say it really is an irrational fear. I mean, I know I'm like a gazillion times bigger than any given spider, and yet... For the record, though, have you seen a Colorado wolf spider? We had one in our apartment shortly after moving from Missouri to here, and I just about went crazy. All I saw were the remains in the trash and that was all I needed - I swear the thing was at least an inch across and that was in death! It was like the godzilla of wild spiders.

Actually I bet it was the king of the spiders and now the spiders have been plotting for three years on the best way to destroy us. I really hope I'm wrong...

Spiders tie with elevators for my number one fear. Elevators are a logically explained fear, though - so many things can go wrong with them (stalling, dropping, shredded cords, power outages, etc...) and I over think things so much that I think that one is to be expected. But spiders...

I do have a theory. My dad (hi dad!) is a channel surfer. He always has been and always will be; he sits on the couch with the remote in hand, flipping until he sees something he deems interesting or until my mom or I take the remote from him. When I was probably about five or six, he did the same thing with me in the room and stopped on the film Arachnaphobia (is that even spelled right?). To this day, I still remember the scene where all the spiders flood out of the sink.

Okay, I'm done. Too much creepy crawliness. My next blog will be more...normal? I just had to get that out though - eight legged things do not float my boat. Ew.

Oh, and the moral of the story is don't scar your kids early on, cause it will scar them for life. I am living proof.

Let's think happy thoughts...

Saturday, December 20, 2008

And every breath takes us closer...

Has anyone else thought about it? The irony of breathing - it's like you take in death even as you take in life. Everytime you breathe, you get closer and closer to the end. Our breaths, like our days and hours and minutes and seconds and moments, are all limited; they will not go on forever.

So why am I thinking this now? I'm not actually sure, to be totally honest. This sort of thinking really freaks the people around me out, as they are all afraid I am going to start retracing my steps and falling back into my old habits. I can assure you that while I have had a little bit of trouble getting out of my head this week, ultimately I am not going to do anything. I feel I must say that or else I'm going to get a dozen and one comments on my Facebook page as well as my blogger page about it. Relax, everyone - I am a big girl, I can handle stuff.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how everything is fleeting and time is short and it brings around a ton of questions. Is there really something after this life or is this all we have? Are the ripples I'm leaving throughout my lifetime worth anything or are they causing more grief than help? And why is life so confusing? I mean, I'm only 18 but I still seriously can't stop thinking about the course I'm on and wondering if it's right.

I'm pretty sure I believe in God. I mean, I was raised in the church and I am very active in the music programs there, but sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I think it's almost too good to be true, that it's like a fairytale. I do like the concept of having someone or something that's always there and that can take us for who we are unconditionally, but everything in this day and age has a price tag on it. I think that's part of what is hard for me to accept about grace and whatnot - the concept of something for nothing.

Or maybe I'm just seriously too much of a take charge person. The other day my mom told be to stop trying to control everything and to actually act my age for once instead of as a mom. It's the same basic thing she's been telling me off and on since I was tweleve. It's just so hard for me to let go and not be the responsible one. I remember in sixth grade one of my best friends telling me that when we all got old enough to party, I was going to be the designated driver. Of course I moved a few years later so it has yet to come about, but come on. The thing about God is that you have to let go to let Him (or Her, cause it could be either) help. I just can't let go.

So I think that this holiday season, I'm going to be doing a lot of searching, both personal and spiritual. I'm going to college next fall, so I guess that means I should probably be really secure in myself (I put on a good front, but don't let it fool you - there is a reason I do some of the things I do); this is a good time to do it.

Breathe in. Hold....10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breath out. One breath closer. One breath farther.

But to what?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

My poor characters...

I really have not been feeling motivated lately, and it's not just here, either. It seems my creative writing is begining to slip between the cracks. That can't be a good thing. Seriously, I need to just discipline myself to write the story of Dereck and Brie; I should also take all the random poetry I've written over the past few years and put it in a compilation that I can send to an editor.

I still want to be published, I'm just exceptionally non-motivated right now.

Perhaps it's the weather? Cold weather really does kill me. When it snows or anything below a comfy 55 degrees, all I want to do is sleep. I go to bed early and if I could get away with it, I'd be sleeping in really late. Blah.

Well, I guess it's time to start breaking free of the blahness. Bring on the pencil and paper, I think I'm ready.

Until next time,

Meaghan, aka Birdgirl90

Friday, December 12, 2008

I think technology doesn't like me very much

And no, it's not all in my head. Seriously. My little laptop PC is driving me up a wall. Granted, I wasn't exactly shopping around when I got it last summer so the memory capacity really sucks; and to be honest, I think I should have spent more time thinking about what I really wanted. Like lots and lots and lots of memory and the ability to play computer games.

Yes, I am a highly motivated individual.

Now I do have to give my computer credit. It runs iTunes and burns CDs. That is an amazingly awsome feature, especially for someone like me who needs music like oxygen. (It's the honest truth; last year I got grounded and my parents took my radio away from me. I thought I was going to die - I even went so far as to petition for my radio previliges back by doing a 95 Thesis like Martin Luther did. I taped it on their bedroom door; they got a good laugh from it, but did not relinquish my radio until the end of the sentencing...) I also like the fact that my computer plays DVDs. That is another cool feature.

However, after waiting for what seems like ages for it to boot up and get warmed up, I usually am fairly annoyed. Plus it runs really slowly on websites like Facebook and gmail. And when I go to play online games on and . Blah.

But, again, for the main purposes like checking my email and typing papers or story plots, it seems to run fine. Just don't run pandora and you'll be fine.

Here's why I think technology hates me, though. My computer will randomly reboot itself in the middle of programs. Sometimes I am able to postpone it, but if I leave the room and the thing pops up, it just goes ahead and does it. Not only that, but it freezes up and has to be manually shut down at least once a month. I almost wonder if it's from the Vista software on it, or if it's just from the lack of memory and the number of things I have running on it.

So there are my technology woes. Apparently I do know something about technology, though - while the computer gives me grief, I can still find my way around the Internet quickly, run this blog, and keep my iPod from exploding. It's a start. Maybe one day I'll get to a point where computers frustrate me less.

And there is your blog update for today. I am starting a new kick where I update more often. We will see how that goes.

Until we meet again.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

The Sun and the Moon (Album Review)

Wow, I'm back! Please don't die of enthusiasm. I know it's been a while since I really posted anything of decency on here. I do apologize - it seems that working two jobs is really making me fatigued ( I seriously pass out at night, and caffiene is no good - what am I going to do when I get to college if Dr. Pepper is no longer working? Oh, wait, I know - expresso). But it's worth it -almost every dime goes into my college fund.

Anyway, this blog tonight is going to be me reviewing an album I just fell head over heels in love with. The album, like the name of this blog, is titled The Sun and the Moon by a group called the Bravery. But before we get into the meat of the album, let me tell you how I got into the Bravery.

Basically it started about a month or so ago when iTunes had a free single that I thought looked interesting. I'm one of those people who likes reading what people are saying about a give product before investing in it (even if it is free - I like having security), so I read the various comments people had left. There, amist the praise and criticism, someone made the comment of how the free single reminded them of a cross between the Bravery and the Killers. 'The Bravery,' I thought. It sounded familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it. So I looked up their stuff on iTunes and found "Believe" which was catchy and put it on my iPod.

But then I saw the music video for "An Honest Mistake" and instantly remembered where I had heard of them. Flash back to the end of summer 2005. I, still feeling dazed and whatnot from our move to Denver from St. Louis, was sitting on the couch watching VH1 (screw MTV - not enough music, too much reality TV) when this music video full of dominos and some random guy with weird hair came on. I was sucked in and made a mental note to look the group up because the video was amazing.

Mental notes mean nothing when you are dazed or tired.

So that's how I rediscovered the Bravery. Their first album I got a few weeks ago from the library. Pretty good for the most part, and the videos are really creative. I was hooked; I checked their new CD. I have to be honest - this new album, The Sun and the Moon, blew me out of the water. And I'm not just saying that because I love Sam Endicott, either (although that does add to the effect).

The Sun and the Moon is just over all a good disk. You can tell that the Bravery has matured in musical ability and there is a variety of music styles to prove it. From the acoustic "Tradgedy Bound" to the orchestrated "The Ocean" to the pop-like "Time Won't Let Me Go" to the rock "Believe", this CD has something for everyone. Plus, Sam has done a wonderful job on vocals - there is a good use of tenor and bass ranges and you can hear the emotion in his voice.

What I love about this CD is that it's provocing. The lyrics are all fairly deep, and tackle the ever present human condition of longing and searching for things we can't always see yet know exist. I'm not sure if the guys in the Bravery were thinking about that when they wrote the songs, and it's always open for interpretation, but that's what I got out of it. It makes me feel like I'm a little less alone in the world.

Some of the songs are hard. "Tradgedy Bound" was one that I really wanted to turn off, but I just couldn't. I wanted to cry so badly when I heard it, especially the line about the girl harming herself (I have a history, and so that sort of thing really affects me). And yet the combination of the acoustic guitar and Sam's voice make the misery of abuse almost into a painstaking lullabye.

A song I felt I could really relate to is "The Ocean", where the lyrics talk of the constant comings and goings of those around you and decisions made along the path of life. "So many friends now and none of them mine..." How many times can you give a piece of yourself away and still be you? It's a question I think we have all faced at one point or another, and isn't it true how we always see things perfectly in hindsight? These are things I always find myself doing and now there's a song about it.

Of course there is "Believe" which is very catchy and very addicting. The more you listen to it, the more you seem to gain from it or discover about it. "Time Won't Let Me Go" again reflects upon hindsight, and has that irresistable beat that seems to flow through the Bravery's music.

All in all, I give The Sun and the Moon an A. I think there were only two or three songs I didn't care for, and the rest are on repeat right now on my iPod. My only question now is what happened to the mohawk or whatever that Sam used to have? Also, along with the cleaned up style, the music videos for The Sun and the Moon are now in color while the music videos for the self-titled album The Bravery were all black, white, and yellow. Just an observation; seriously, no complaints. I love these guys. Hopefully they will be working on a new album soon.

And that was my very, very long music review. I have to say, for it being after 9 at night and for me being ready to pass out, that wasn't half bad.

Until next time, Cyberland.

(Just in case you all become as obsessed as I seem to have.)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Something that really, really bugs me (a Facebook blog)

My apologies for the lack of writing, cyberland - I've been so busy I've barely had time to breathe, plus there was nothing for me to write about. And before you say it, yes, I do know that there's always something to write about. I just haven't been motivated.

So I joined Facebook a few months ago. I know I said I was never going to join it, but a lot of people I know are on there, and it actually turned out to be a good idea. There is a ton of stuff you can do on there. I do have to admit, though, the novelty wears off after a while - youtube and albinoblacksheep. com are still my favorite sites. Or maybe . Pandora is good.

Anyway, so about Facebook. No one on there knows how to spell or use proper grammer!!! It drives me up a wall! I am an educated young woman and so I try to reflect that in my emails and blogs and, yes, Facebook comments. I want to come across as polished and whatnot - plus, I am a writer, so that sort of thing is very important in getting points across. It absolutely kills me when I get on Facebook and have an email or whatever it's called from one of my friends and he spells half the words wrong and doesn't use any punctuation. Does anyone else get bugged by this or am I a freak?

No, I am not a freak - I am just very precise.

Well, I guess that sums up my Facebook issues. I just can't stand shortened words (like when people take the vowels out of the words themselves) and lack of punctuation. And spelling; why can no one even come close to correct spelling? It doesn't have to be perfect - just stop dropping letters!

Okay, I'm done. Sorry it wasn't too horribly interesting, I just needed to vent.

Until we meet again.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

....lack of motivation....

I really don't feel like writing here, if I am being totally honest with myself. I love the expression, but the feeling of having very few to none people read this is kind of depressing. I know that's no reason to update, but then there is the fact that I have been feeling a bit low lately....

I have frequent bouts of depression. I'm not on any medications for it as I have developed the mind over matter cure, but they still drive me nuts. It becomes hard to write about anything, it's hard to look in the mirror, and it's hard to get out of bed. My sleep paterens are whacked up right now (I'm sleeping a lot at odd increments - I fall asleep on the couch and then sleep the whole night) and I've been really moody. You can blame it on PMS if you want, as that is probably accurate.

I think I just feel overwhelmed and it's affecting me. As is the weather. I love the fall and winter, but it kills me. Watching everything die outside makes me think about death and ruts and everything else - don't worry. I sound depressed and I feel it, but it will pass and I am fairly strong. I have people who need me, so I won't be going anywhere soon.

I start college next year (I've been accepted) and am working two part time jobs to help pay for it and my needs. I need a new computer and I need to pay for my expenses and I would like a bigger iPod (it's a want, not a need - my iPod is a 2 gig and I rotate songs on it because I have so many). The last thing isn't a concern, but the other two are. Plus Christmas time is coming up and despite trying not to get involved in everything, I am easily guilted and talked into things, so I am afraid I have bitten off more than I can chew....

So I'm walking away from the one almost relationship that I had going (we never really dated anyway, so it's okay - we will still be friends, but I have no time to worry about it now) and I'm trying not to dwell on the future. I just want to survive the next few months. If I can do that, then the rest will fall into place, I hope.

And that is the long explanation for why I am unmotivated. When I find the motivation, I will write again.

Until then, remember to always brush your teeth and eat your veggies.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Thank God I don't have writer's block anymore!

It really makes me happy that I seem to have gotten rid of my writer's block. Well, at least for a little while, anyway. I was lucky - this time it only lasted about a week or two. I've had times where the cursed writer's block has lasted for a few months. That was torture.

So now I'm back to writing and (hopefully) updating my blog here. My big project that I hope to one day finish and possibly get published (Dereck and Brie) are currently on the back burner as I have found that poetry seems to be the only thing that wants to come out of my pencil. So I guess that means that I haven't entirely gotten rid of the writer's block, but it definately is a start.

Poetry is kind of fun. If you learn about it in school, the teachers and curriculum will try and force you to write within the "poetry rules". That kills. The best kind of poetry is the stuff that doesn't rhyme or follow proper grammer. The best kind is the stuff that comes from straight from your heart before you begin to analyze it - the raw words that are painfully real and that speak for you when you can't. Of course, you can go back and clean up your poetry so that it rhymes and is pretty; for me, though, that just doesn't do. All mine is real and raw and most of it will never see the light of day.

However, some of it is rather good. I keep all my writing and date it, so that I can go back a few weeks, months, or even years later to re-read it. It always is fun to do that - you can see personal growth as well as improvement in writing.

Well, cyberland people, that is where we will have to leave off, as I have to work. I'll update again later - if you are interested in reading my poetry, let me know. I may put some up.

Until next time.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I don't fear death

I wonder if that makes me morbid. Well, duh, Meaghan. Of course you're morbid. But seriously, is that a bad thing? If I can write in shades of death, and dream in the whispers of death, and yet still stand before you breathing and very much alive, is that a bad thing? I think not.

I had this dream once that I died. I was watching myself from above as I slit my wrist and bled out onto my bed. As odd as it sounds, it was a very peaceful dream and when I woke up, I was actually well rested for once in my life instead of stressed and tired like normal. I haven't dreamed anything of the sort about me since.

Characters are another story. I write about them dying all the time and sometimes I dream their deaths. It is soothing, in a way, to have that flow from me. It keeps my feelings from becoming too much, from threatening to crush me. When I dream or write of death, it releases it from me so that I am able to function.

Sometimes, when I tell people that, they get worried. They are afraid that I am going to surround myself with death so much that it is going to make me kill myself, that I will consume myself by my own hand. I can understand where they are coming from, as I have walked a turbulent road, but rest assured - death will not take me, not yet.

But I do have to admit that since this is something I do think and write about so frequently that I seem to have developed nerves against death. Yes, I still fear things such as elevators and heights and haunted houses, but death itself? No.

Perhaps I am tempting fate by saying that. Perhaps I sound arrogant or full of myself. Again, that is not the case. I am mortal, I am human, and I will one day die. As will everyone else. Don't let them kid you. There is no immortality. We romanticise the notion of endless youth, beauty, and life, but in reality there is no such thing.

Which leaves us with the fact that even the most cocky and crazy of us all will die. What do we do with this knowledge? Do we shut it in a corner of our lives and choose to ignore it? Or do we embrace it and live with it, and try to do something incredible with our lives while we have them?

I, people of cyberland, choose to embrace the concept of death and live with it. I choose to not let it hinder me or define me, but to remind me that time is fleeting and things should not be left until it's too late.

Until next time.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It's official - I have writer's block

And it really sucks. I mean, I sit down with the beautiful blank paper in front of me, the mechanical pencil in hand, and *poof!* all my concepts go out the window, all my characters leave town. What am I supposed to do?

I mean, I think my story lines all the time - how things are going to go, how the characters live, what I want the reader to feel. But when I go to write, things get so jumbled that the words don't want to form on the page.

I know I've been sick for a while - that probably plays a part in it. I have tried almost anything though, seriously. Listening to music while lettting my mind wander, snacking, not snacking, going outside, staying inside. I've even tried writing in different locations. And it's just not doing it for me.

So what am I going to do? I think I'm going to make a point to write something everyday. It may not be the best quality and I'm going to have to get over the fact that it's sloppy. But maybe that will help my writer's block.

And if I fix the writer's block, I'll be back to updating regularly.

Until next time.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Defining moments

Sometimes, when you write, a character has a defining moment. It's a point in their story that you never really realized would happen the way that it does, and in the end, it changes the character in some way, either for better or for worse.

A lot of the time, I have a general idea about how a character's story is going to go. Yet, even with that in mind as I write, things do happen. When that happens, the general story plot stays the same, but the character changes and so the responses they would have had are now different. Sometimes that changes the outcome of the story or the way the outcome is reached.

So my question is this: If this happens to characters in my head or on the paper, is it possible for it to happen in real life?

The truth is that, yes, it does happen in real life. We all have defining moments in our life, some that we are aware of quite vividly while some we don't even realize, and they change our course. They shape who we are as individuals and help us grow, in one way or another.

Sometimes we are not aware of what is going on around us - we are either too involved with the situation to see it, or we are oblivious - and the moment passes us by quietly, leaving only the aftermath. At other times, though, we are intimatly aware of what is going on and of how it is affecting us.

My question to you, cyberland readers, is how do you treat your defining moments? Do you realize them or do you ignore them? Do you take the opportunities as they arise or do are you so blind to them that you let them go without even realizing it until it's too late?

Think about it, and keep an eye out for your defining moments.

Until next time.

I feel like Dorothy...

I'm going to Kansas for college and I am so excited! Which is a far cry from a few weeks ago when I was just scared and stressed. Now I can see, though, what this could mean and I am looking forward to it!

I must admit that I feel a little like Dorothy. I'm going to Kansas, and I think it's going to be a way like going to OZ. You know, somthing different and exciting, like an adventure. That's how I looked at moving a few years ago - that's how I'm looking at this.

I can honestly say that I am ready to go. I am ready to explore a new place, meet new people, and try new things. It's going to change me, but not in a bad way. Rather, it will help me grow into the person I am supposed to become, help me define "me". I'm going to have ties here, of course, but I'm excited by the possibility of making new ones.

My sister is so sad that I am leaving, though, even though it's not for another year. She cries every time it comes up. That makes it harder; it really does. I think everyone else, though, won't miss me too badly. At least, I hope they don't - but if they do, they can always call, visit, or email me.

And that is the long awaited update, cyberland. I've been tired lately and really busy, but I'll try to update more later.

Follow the yellow brick road....

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sometimes I think God is toying with me...

So, I discovered a few weeks ago that I am seriously losing my hair. At first, I ignored it. I mean, it's perfectly normal to have some hair come out in the shower and when you brush it, right? But then I realized that my hair is now half as thick as it was not even a month ago. Normally I have such thick hair that I have to use a giant scrunchie to hold it up. Now, I can put it up into a secure ponytail with just a mini hair band.

And that scares me, because as far as I know, I'm a healthy teenage girl.

So I went to the doctor, who almost immediately ruled out hair dye (I dye my hair a lot, but have never had this problem before) and stress. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her tired but fine other than that, and she asked about the normal stuff - school, life, whatever. And then she said, I think we need to run blood tests.

She told me she's checking my thyroid and "a few other things that I just think would be for the best" and had me give my blood right there in the office. Two big bottles, two medium bottles, and a slightly bruised prick on my arm later, I was able to leave.

I won't know anything until next week. My hair is still coming out. And now it's to a point where a lot of people can tell that it's thinning and going.

I'm too young to have this happen. I hope it's just my thyroid. I hope it's something small like that and treatable. Cause if it's anything worse, I don't know what I will do.

And then I made the decision to tell two of my friends via messenging. The first, out in California, was really supportive and helped me put things into perspective. The second, the guy I trusted a lot, got off as soon as I told him, leaving me with a conversation left on hold.

And so I'm wondering - does God just not like me anymore? Was I too vain, is that why I'm losing my hair? Was I too selfish, and that's why this is happening and the guy I like has been scared off? I'll admit, I was really happy last month, happier than I've been in a long time, and the pieces were all falling into place beautifully. Did I get too comfortable?

I don't know, to be honest. I don't know anything. All I know is that I haven't had rapid weight loss - thank God for that, even though I would like to lose a few more pounds. And my hair isn't really clumping, it's just coming out in multiple constant strands, which form piles when I brush, finger comb, or wash it.

So there has to be a bright side. Maybe this is just a test I have to survive, to show me I can be strong.

And the good news is that whatever is causing this is treatable in some way or another. My hair may not come back (I cry when I think about that, but it's just vainity), but at least the problem will be treated.

Breathe, relax, breathe some more.

Until next time, cyberland.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

What's your secret? Everyone has at least one...

There is a website called post secret ( ) where anyone can send in their deepest secrets anonamously on homemade postcards. The cards are each as unique as the secrets on them - some of the secrets are sad, some are lonely, and some are just downright funny.

The man who created the site, Frank Warren, believes that it is human to have things we can't tell outloud and that by sending in secrets on postcards, we are able to realize that we aren't as alone as once believed. Secrets, he says, are put into little boxes inside us - it is our choice as to whether or not we let them out of the box. And so the post secret community was born.

I love the post secret site. Not only do I enjoy reading the secrets on there, but Frank also does a lot of charity work and promotes things such as the suicide hotline.

And it makes me think. It makes me feel - some of the secrets on the site feel as though they could be my very own. It makes me feel like I am not alone, like I am not the only one on the edge of the world or in the midst of battle. And I like not feeling alone.

So what are your secrets, the ones that make you human?

I'll tell you one of mine, but you have to promise not to tell:

When the kids at work cry, it takes all in my power for me to not cry with them. I wish I could hug them and tell them everything will be okay, and to never grow up...

Does this make me human? I don't know. I like to think it does.

Time to start opening crates, cyberland.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Creative writing (you have been warned)

Okay, everyone in cyberland, today's update is some more of my creative writing. A lot of the time, I write short "blurbs" - they generally focus on a character in some situation and involve pretty much no plot. I don't really get to know the character or why they are in whatever situation they are in, as they have a tendency to only last a paragraph or two. I mean, a lot of the time I don't even know their name.

This kind of writing is interesting as it gives me something to come back to later (days, months, sometimes even years) and some sort of character to develope when I am bored. That being said, sometimes the situation the characte shows up in is not always pretty or ends well. I'm a bit morbid as an individual anyway, but this sore of thing is not really in my control. I can't help it if a character is depressed or whatnot - they all have personalities of their own.

You have been warned. If you don't like it, don't read it.

She thought the city was beautiful. The way the lights danced on the highway, the way the people bustled and hurried, trying to get home before the slowly sinking sun revealed the silvery moon and lonesome stars. She thought the way the buildings created a silhouetted skyline to be magical, how they stood in relief to everything else around her. Yes, this city was beautiful - but not enough to save her.

Standing on the rooftop, lofted above the busy highway and drifting leaves, she saw everything and everyone clearly. She saw the skyline and the cars; she saw the people below and how they did not see her. Glancing up, she saw the vast unknowns of the dusky sky, the mysteries of the stars and planets and life reflected in her large eyes. A chill air blew, and she shivered. It was time.

Looking back at the dark horizon, a calm filled her, a peace she had never known before in her lifetime. With a smile, she took a breath. And then she flew.

And the city kept bustling and hurrying, and the stars kept shinning, and the skyline kept dancing in the dark, and the highway traffic never stopped as the city consumed another of it's young.

Like I said, rather dark stuff, but when a nameless character shows up, you have to write their story, even if it is only a small bit of the whole.

And don't worry, good people of cyberland. I am confused and I get stressed, but I also have people who need me here. I'm not going anywhere.

Until next time, happy reading.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Why is already October and where has my year gone?!?!

I realized today that 'Oh my God, it's October 2!' Now, that may not seem like a big deal to any of you (October? So what?), but to me, it almost means the end of the world. At least, the end of the world as I know it.

See, October means that not only is fall here (I am greatful for that, fall is my favorite season ever), but everything is going to be going into hyperdrive from here on out. I've known for a while that things are going to be changing, but I've tried to ignore it.

I can't anymore.

Tuesday I have a phone appointment with my college counsoler. I am going to have to pre-enroll for classes and financial aid and all sorts of random things. Which also means that I am going to have to actually tell people that I got accepted into my school of choice. Why, you might ask me, have I not told anyone?

The truth is that I've told only one of my friends. And the reason I told him is because not only is he one of my best friends, but things between us have been slowly changing and I want to give him the choice as to whether or not he wants to actually get involved or not. Kansas is a ways out and I wanted him to know that I will be leaving in the fall. The letter made it all the more real.

But then there are other issues at hand as well. I still do not have a driver's lisence (don't you dare laugh at that - I hate driving with a passion.) but I have to get it within the next month because my mom is having her cateracts messed with and will be unable to drive. That scares me. The fact that she could go blind, the fact that we may or may not be able to afford the surgery, the fact that I am going to be leaving when she probably will need me the most, even though she would never say that.

Again, I was trying to push it off and out of my mind for as long as possible.

And finally there is the retaking of the ACT test. Yes, I have been accepted to college. Yes, my grades were okay last year. No, I do not qualify for renewable scholarships with my current ACT scores. My family is going to have enough trouble paying for school as it is, but if I can get my ACT scores up, I can help. I'm already trying to help by paying for my college expenses, but the scholarships would be amazing. I think a 30 is a little too ambitious - I won't even try to set my sights up there. But maybe I can get a 25 or 26. That would be helpful.

For some reason, I stopped studying for the test a while ago. It went along with trying to push it off, or the fact that I was trying to deny what was going to happen.

But the thing I do remember above all is that I am a strong individual. I tear myself down a lot (I have days where I try not to look in the mirror for long periods of time or where I hate to go into public, but don't we all?) but ultimately I know I am strong, and I am beautiful, and I am - me. It sounds so corny, but it is so true.

Why else would I be here, if I couldn't handle it?

And that, good people of cyberland, is your new post for the day.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Sometimes I stare at my ceiling...

I have a tendency to wake up at odd hours. I will not lie - it drives me up a wall. Lately, I've been so tired at night that I actually sleep almost the whole night. Usually, though , I wake up at three or so in the morning and am unable to go back to sleep. At those times, I stare at my ceiling.

While staring at my ceiling, I think about the weirdest things. Like if there is anyone up at three in the morning thinking about me, or if there is someone across the universe thinking about someone being up at whatever time they are up. You know, the hopelessly romantic thought of "Is there someone up at the same time as me thinking about me, either conciously or subconciously, by name or just out of loneliness, the way I am thinking of them?" This is probably not the best way to get back to sleep, but you have to admit that it is an interesting concept. And hopelessly romantic situations give me the best story plots, anyway.

How many star crossed lovers are out there, thinking about each other without knowing each other? It's hard to explain, but there is someone for everyone and even if you haven't met them yet, you think about them. And they think about you. I just know it.

And sometimes, as I lay there on my bed, staring at my ceiling, thinking of my other half, wherever and whoever he may be, I think - why am I doing this? It makes no sense. Dwelling on the unknown is the fastest way to get into trouble, but it's also what makes us all human. It's the human condition. Hmm... Maybe I should do a post about that...

Sometimes, I wish the ceiling held all the answers. Like, is there someone thinking about me at three in the morning? But the ceiling is silent. And in the deafing silence, I eventually roll over and drift back into sleep, the questions of life still bounding through my mind...

And then I wake up and write down what I feel and have extra material for my stories. So I guess it all works out. Right?


Have a nice day, cyberland. Future blogs will be less mushy, I promise.

Monday, September 29, 2008

At the rate I ramble...

I should be able to go for hours at a time. Geez. I post way a lot on here. But I have so much random crap that I feel like talking about. I guess that since I'm a writer, that's normal - I'm always writing. Lately, the juices seem to be flowing better at the computer than in my notebooks. Not sure why that is - maybe it's easier to erase on the computer?

I love writing. I love the freedom it gives me, the way I can say what I want and mean to without being on the fly. I love how my voice sounds amazingly important (at least me it does!) in writing, more so than when I'm talking out loud. As I've said in one of my posts, somethings sound stupid when voiced aloud, but they sound valid when typed.

Right now, I should be in bed, but instead I'm up writing. The words are flowing from my fingertips like water from a fountain, the ideas coming so fast that my head feels as though it could burst. And my computer, which I could have sworn was going to crash earlier this evening, is going along with it.

Maybe I will write a book someday. Goodness knows I have enough to say that I could fill a 600 page novel. Or maybe I will go into journalism, traveling the world and reporting what I see to the people at home. Or maybe - okay, let's screw the maybe's. Life is too short to dwell upon them and their cousins the what if's.

No. Actually, I think I will go to bed now, even though I am sure to have odd dreams and restless sleep.

Goodnight, Cyberland. Enjoy the double blog, for I am going to be so busy tomorrow I will not have time to post.

And I stood there...

Hi again, my cyberland buddies! Today's blog is another very different type of blog. Today, I am actually sharing my creative writing. That's right - the stuff I never let people read, I'm letting you all read. Mainly cause I want to finally get some publicity. My only request is this: do not judge. My writing is always a little on the morbid side, a little dark, a little down or depressed. That's the only way I can get those awful feelings out of myself - I kill characters in the most awful situations and write poetry about death. I give my characters serious issues; anorexia, suicide, depression, loneliness, drug addictions, various vices and habits. That's just how I am.

If you don't like it, don't read it. You have been warned.

And Dereck dreamed.

Colors vivid and yet blurred, flowing and bleeding into each other like icy waves crashing and melting against the hot, grainy beach - violent red, like garnet blood dripping from an open wound; forlorn black, like the moonless, starless night. A chill filled Dereck's mind as the colors swirled around him, goosebumps raising upon his arms. Amid the colors a whisper, quiet as the end of the world yet as loud as a scream, filled the cold air. It said nothing but the messge was perfectly clear.

Dereck awoke on the floor with a jolt, sweat dripping of him as if he had run in the pouring rain, his skin as white as bone in the pale, silvery moonlight that poured into the room, bathing him in it's lonely light. Struggling to breathe, Dereck blinked and looked around the bare room. The smell of cigarettes still lingered in the stuffy air, the remains of the drugs still scattered on the table. On the floor next to him was Brie, breathing softly, her face peaceful in sleep as her black hair fanned around her frail, petite frame. The sight of her made it all the more unbearable.

Slowly, Dereck touched Brie's face, her skin like porcelain beneath his fevered hand. She sighed in her sleep, as if answering some unheard question, and rolled onto her side, trying to get closer even in sleep, like she knew in some deep part of herself the very thing Dereck knew.

And it was too much. Overcome with the bittersweetness of the whole situation, consumed with love for Brie and sorrow for the future, knowing the future would most likely never come, Dereck leaned into Brie's hair, trying to remember her sweet scent forever, hot tears like crystals washing his face and her hair, the dream still haunting him.

Death was coming for him. And there was nothing he could do.

Well, there it is. These are two of my absolute favorite characters that have come out on paper. One, Dereck, is a druggie. The other, Brie, is anorexic. I have no experience with either condition, but that's just how they developed. When characters come out, they seriously have there own personalities and you can't change them. You can watch them develope, you can guide them along the way, but you can't tell them to change. These two characters honestly feel like my children - when I write about them, I seriously feel like a mother.

The funny thing about Dereck and Brie is that they met by chance. Brie worked at a bookstore and one day, I guess the planets aligned correctly or something, because "poof!" - they literally ran into each other. Seriously. Books went flying. It was great.

Another funny thing is the Brie spells her name. She doesn't like eating, yet she's named after a type of cheese that goes great on crackers and fruit. Go figure.

How will the tragic story of Brie and Dereck end? I have an idea, but it's bound to change somewhere down the road. Until then, I just have to keep writing.

Oh. And if you steal my wonderful characters, bad things will happen. I will personally come after you. So leave them alone.


Sunday, September 28, 2008

And now I know I'm tired...

Some days, it just feels hard to keep it all together. Now, I know that it sounds like a depressing start to a blog entry, but life is interesting like that. The issue on my mind is that of college, yet again.

It seems that it still feels like a frightfully heavy weight, college and change. Kansas is plain - beautiful, but plain. I'm from the midwest originally, so I mean that in an affectionate way. And if I never fit in out there, I can come home. I seem to have forgotten that yesterday or this week. Home will always be open for me.

I think my main problem is that I over analyze everything. And I do mean everything. College and relationships seem to be the big things I tear to shreds in my mind. Oh, and myself. I am constantly self-doubting myself or tearing myself - I literally am my biggest critic. There are days that I am able to stand back from the analyzing and see things for what they are, and at those times I feel better. But it's a hard thing. It is very hard to be able to trust that everything in life is going to work out and that what's going to happen will happen.

I feel like the guy in "Fiddler on the Roof" - he's constantly talking with God and trying to get answers to what is going on in his life. That's me. "Dear God, it's me, Meaghan..." type of thing.

And questions. A gazillion questions that I have no answers for. Questions like: "Will I be okay in college?"; "Everyone else has someone - when will I?"; and "Why?"

Really dumb questions. Come to think of it, maybe that's why God doesn't answer me. My questions are all really shallow. At least, that's how it sounds.

But then I get to the questions like: "What am I going to do with this life and why am I here?"; "I'm still alive, so what purpose do I have?"; and "Am I strong enough to handle this?"

And sometimes I just plead with God. Or beg or wish or whatever you want to call it. Things like "Please keep my dad employed and my family safe"; "Please don't let the boy I love die when he becomes a cop"; and "Please help me through it all".

How is it that a blog about college became a blog about God? That must be a sign that I am tired. Which means I should go to bed.

Good night, cyberland, and may God bless you.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Oh my God, I feel so odd...

Hi everyone on cyberspace!! It is I, Birdgirl90. Sorry it's been so long since I've up dated, I've had an incredibly busy week. Homecoming was amazing - my date was wonderful and I had a great time. It just took a lot of my time and energy to get prepped for it. I know, I know - it's not an excuse. Humor me.

Plus the girl I share shifts with gave notice, so soon I will be having even less time because I'm going to have to work all her shifts as well as my own until they hire someone to take her place.

And to top it all off, I got accepted to the college of my choice and am going to have to be making some decisions in the next week or two. Let me tell you - I don't know why, but I am almost dreading that. Very hard to explain, but I think it must have something to do with the fact that college means leaving, and leaving is hard, as is all change, especially one as drastic as school. I know I should feel relieved. I mean, I got accepted afterall - that should be enough to make me want to do cart wheels. I don't know. I think I just got really attatched to the people here, and I'm not sure I want to leave them...

But enough. I am strong. I will deal with it.

So what am I doing today? I am sitting at my computer, listening to online radio and typing my heart out. And you apparently have nothing better to do, as you are here reading my heart's confessions. Yes, this is a different type of post compared to everything else I've done. Before, I always tried to be slightly personal, but not to the degree of you actually feeling as if you know me. Today, I just have to voice everything I'm feeling regardless of how it sounds. My apologies - if you don't like it, leave my blog.

I thought that going to Kansas for school would be a really great idea. I didn't have to write an essay for the school I got into, and it's the perfect sized campus for me; I didn't think about anything else when I applied. I know no one in Kansas and no one I know here in Colorado are planning on going there. I'm such a small grain of sand in the scheme of things - there is no guarentee that I am going to fit in or make friends or be able to manage myself. To tell the truth, when I got my acceptance letter, I got so scared that I wanted to cry. I still feel like that, but I can't go back now.

I would voice these thoughts out loud to my friends or family, but when I say the words out loud, they sound so stupid that I want to shake myself. I know everyone gets anxiety, but I thought I was getting above and beyond it. So I tell myself again and again that it will all be okay, that everything will work itself out and that I need to stop worrying.

And then there was homecoming this week. My date, as said before, was amazing. He wore a suit and tie, and brought me a corsage. He opened the car door for me (a first for me, and I enjoyed it immensly) and the doors at dinner and the dance for me, and was basically a perfect gentleman. I tried so hard to not be nervous, as he is one of my best friends, but that was nearly impossible. I had a wonderful time, though - we went with my sister and her date and just had a lot of fun.

Today, the day after, I got copies of the pictures my mom took before we left last night. He looks so handsome in the pictures that it just makes me melt. I look at myself, though, and internally cringe. I have some nice features, such as my face, but the camera really does add ten pounds or whatever. Again, things I would talk about out loud but they seriously sound stupid when said out loud. I know that I am a pretty individual, maybe not so much on the outside, but inside I know I'm a pretty good person. And I know I looked pretty last night. I just also feel self concious about my weight, even though it does not matter to anyone I know.

The picture, however, is in one of my writing notebooks with a paperclip, and I have no intention of removing it. I'm also planning on drying my corsage so that I can keep it forever. No matter what happens (we have no idea if we are dating or just friends or what...), I will remember last night for as long as I am here.

And now that I've got all that off my chest, I feel as though I can breathe again. Maybe I'll start taking my own advice and let things go. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


I got asked to a homecoming dance by a guy who is not only one of my best friends, but also a guy I have liked for a while now.

I am on cloud nine. And when he asked, he said he had been thinking about it for a while. He was straight to the point and I said yes and now I am bouncing off the walls.

I'll write later, after I get myself calmed down.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Stress and Nightmares (or the "I really wish other people were up at three in the morning" blog)

I will admit it - I get seriously stressed at times. It's very easy to do; it's easy to let our problems run away with us. I believe stress is something that everyone deals with at some point or another. The interesting thing is how everyone seems to deal with it differently.

For me, stress makes itself clear in sleep. I start to have nightmares and as I become more and more stressed out, the nightmares become more and more weird or vivid until I am actually holding conversations with my sister in my sleep. Or I wake up at odd hours and can't shut my mind down enough to get back to sleep, which is just as bad. It's at times like these that I find myself wishing that there were other people up that I could talk to.

Nightmares are no fun. I honestly can't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. That's really sad, if I do say so myself. The nightmares that bother me the most are the ones about my loved ones, where everything is going wrong and there's nothing I can do, and I wake up crying at three in the morning. Those are the worst. The second worst are the ones that make absolutely no sense, but that are so vague and weird that you wake up exhausted from them.

The funny thing is, I am not concious a lot of the time about the stress I am carrying around. It just comes, like so many other things, subconciously. However, there are times that I am very aware of the stress I carry. Like this week, for instance - I have been freaking out about whether or not I am going to get accepted to the college of my choice or if, once I get there, it's going to devour me. I've been worried about the ACT test, my job, one of my relationships, the fact that I'm going clothes shopping on Saturday, and the decision I made today to apply to another college.

And the worry eats at you like a cancer, and the stress gives you headaches and nightmares, and it becomes a cycle. A horrible, vicious cycle.

The funny thing about all of it is that I know things will work out. They always do. Even if I end up at the wrong school, I can always transfer out. Even if my relationship never changes and I never date until I'm in my twenties, I at least have a really good friend. Even if I lose my job, at least I can say I did my best. And even if I have a meltdown, I will always have a good support system.

I just have to keep reminding myself of those things, and everything else will fall into place.

Friday, September 12, 2008

A Song I Found

I recently discovered a new song. I saw it initially on the Post Secret website ( - one of the best sites I've visited. I love the concept behind Frank's thinking...), and I listened to it on youtube. It's called The Chorus by a group named Donora. I personally can not wait until they really take off, as I love what I have heard from them. I just want to post the lyrics here; they mean a lot to me, and you can interpret them as you would like. To hear the song, go to youtube or .

The Chorus by Donora

It's alright if you cry, cover your eyes
It's ok if you scream like a girl
I won't tell anyone if you promise the same
Cause I'm scared of the whole world
It's alright if you sigh, put your head next to mine
It's ok if you curl up in a ball
Cause I might give it a try and end in the same
Condition after all
(It goes)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
Is it alright if I'm sad and feeling let down
Is it ok if I'm not myself again
Will you love me the same if I promise to breathe
And count from 1 to 10
Is it alright if I lose track of the world
Is it ok if I hide from the unknown
Will you tell me again the story about
How I'm not alone
(It goes)
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Walk away from the life you want
And sing the chorus of the broken hearted
Walk away from the life you want
And sing the chorus of the broken hearted
I think there is a lot of meaning in this song, and that we can all relate to parts of it. If you like it, I highly recommend watching the Post Secret video.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The "Duh" Factor

Ever have one of those moments when everything becomes painfully clear as to how you could have handled something or said something better or made a better decision? I seem to be having those a lot lately and have dubbed them my "Duh" moments.

Typically, "Duh" moments or the "Duh" factor leaves me feeling very irritated with myself or with a knot in my gut. My mind gets wrapped around various things that start with "If I had only done..." or "Maybe if I had been..". And, of course, the best one of all - "Why did I not see that???"

I like to think of myself as a fairly bright individual, with the ability to tell right from wrong and that sort of thing. However, it seems that when it comes to common sense, I seem to be lacking. I think I just must not pay enough attention to life or something, because I can look back on it later and everything is crystal clear.

But isn't that how life is? I mean, it's really hard to see clearly the choices we make in the present; as soon as the present becomes the past, though, it is perfectly clear to see where we went wrong.

For example, I spent the last year of my high school life not really caring if I made good grades or not. As embarassing as it is to say, the only thing on my mind for the longest time was a boy I know. (I'm human, okay? Anyone who hasn't done this is lying.) As soon as I graduated, though, and got to looking at my grades and overall GPA, I was horrified. The whole "Duh" factor swept in, leaving me with the browbeating of "If only I had applied myself...", "If only I had stopped worrying about this and that...", and "Man, I am really dumb at times..."

The thing I have to remember is that looking back, I can't do anything about the past. The past will always be the past and there is nothing we can do about it. All we can do is take the time we are in, the here and the now, and do our best with it. We can't correct our mistakes, but we can learn from them and try not to make them again. And even if we do, and we will continually screw up because we are human, we have to remind ourselves that it will be okay. Everything will be okay, no matter what.

Don't let the "Duh" factor trip you up.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


Today I filled out my college application to Fort Hays State University, my school of choice. It was rather exciting, but mainly resulted in me getting heartburn and a headache.

Hays is a really nice small town that I am looking for to residing in over the next four years, if accepted. Which I should be, as I go above the requirements they have for me and am sending my app way before the rush. At least, I hope all that counts...

When I told my friends initally that I was looking at going to Kansas for my education, I was given mixed feedback. My friend already in college for her second year told me they'd be stupid not to let me in, and that I would have a lot of fun going out of state. She also hopes that our breaks coincide.

My friend in Missouri really didn't say a lot about the subject, as she is trying to deal with her own issues, but I suspect that when she comes to visit this winter we will be talking about it.

But the best reaction came from my guy friend, who scrunched up his face in disbelief and demanded to know why I wanted to go to Kansas. (It's a common theme among people) Which was amusing, because I was under the impression that he didn't care what I did with my life, as long as I didn't randomly keel over on him.

And then there are the reactions of my sister's friends, who all are happy I'm around another year, and don't want me to go at all. To which I shake my head. It's the natural order of things people. Sorry.

And that's all I have time to write, as my computer has already crashed once today. More later...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Super Special Awsomeness (A Yu-Gi-Oh! Blog)

I am a nerd.

I know more about Yu-Gi-Oh! than most people living in America. I have seen almost every episode of the anime; I used to read the manga. I can tell you the difference between Ryou and Bakura. I can argue that the Pharoh is quite cocky (season 4, with the Seal of Oricalco (I can't spell it...)) and that Yugi has more stamina than people give him credit for (season 1, duel with Pegasus in the Shadows). I have written more fan-fics that have never gotten published over the years that I lost count after ten; plus more mary-sues than I would care to admit. And I can tell you this - the villains all say the same things but never achieve their goals.

I don't know how I feel about this.

But I discovered this new thing on youtube. It's called Yu-Gi-Oh! the Abridged Series. It takes the anime, cuts it up, uses voice overs, and basically butchers the show. It's HILARIOUS! The guy who does it does a really good job with making fun of the characters. His voice acting (he does all the voices on it) is fairly good, and it's all very smooth. It's hard to watch Yu-Gi-Oh! with a straight face after seeing the abridged one.

I watched all 30 episodes in a two day period, which probably suggests that I need to get a life. But I don't care. Hearing Yugi say "Super special awsomeness" to everything makes up for it. As does hearing Kaiba say "Screw the rules, I have money"; or watching one of littlekuribohgazebo's (he does the abridged series and stuff) spin off videos like "Marik's Evil Council of Doom" or the "Yu-Gi-Oh! Christmas Carol". It's very satisfying.

And makes me watch regular Yu-Gi-Oh! episodes on youtube. Which makes me go back to the abridged series. It's a vicious cycle. I feel as though I should be ashamed, but I'm not. It's too fun to enjoy. And quote.

It's time to duel!

Mind crush!

Exodia, obliterate!!!!!

Hahahahaha, you're finished, fool!

Screw the rules, I have money.

As I said before, I really am a nerd. You should hear some interviews with the voice actors. More on that later, I have to go to work now.

Super special awsomeness!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Finding your style

There are days that I feel as though no one respects my style. I have days where I want to dress really edgy; I pile on the black eye liner and straighten my hair, I lace up my skate shoes and pull out the black hoodie-minus-the-hood. But the reality is that I still can't pull off the emo look.

Or the goth look.

Or the skater look.

Or the preppy look.

I have no fashion sense whatsoever.

But I try. I go to the store and load up on black things or colorful things depending on my mood. I dyed my hair green in an attempt to stand out, and I'm going to be dying it black within the next week. Last year I was attempting to be seriously goth. I had the lipstick and the dark colors; but people (mainly my family and friends) laughed at it and thought it was a joke.

Then I went through a period where bright colors were what I was wearing and most of my black got tossed. For some reason, my parents thought that was great. And I love my parents and all, but bright colors? They're fun for while, but it's hard to feel comfortable in them.

Now I'm in the process of revamping my wardrobe. I have some colors and I have some blacks. I want some gothic accessories, but I'll avoid excessive chains. Black eyeliner is a must, but the lipstick can stay home. I'm finally paving my own sense of style, and even when my mom rolls her eyes because I still like dark colors, I love what I'm doing.

Look out world; I'm finally becoming the me I want. And I'm going to blow your socks off.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Catch me if you can

I have discovered that my new favorite phrase is "Catch me if you can". I don't understand why it appeals to me so much, as there are plenty of other sayings out there. But for whatever the reason, "Catch me if you can" just really seems...dangerous. And bold. As if you are daring the world to try and stop you from achieving whatever it is you are attempting to do. It makes one feel invincible, when in reality they know they aren't.

But the phrase has to be followed by the correct punctuation. If you put it with an exclamation point ("Catch me if you can!"), it just sounds too excited. I mean, I know that's what exclamation marks are meant to be (exciting), but it makes it sound like a hyperactive child is saying it. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but come on - it's supposed to be bold and smooth, not rushed. You have to say it with just the right amount of seriousness.

The same goes for question marks. Question marks make "Catch me if you can" sound meek. All the edgy-ness is gone from it and it sounds as if you are questioning your power or invincibility. It becomes timid. Or shy. Definitely not outgoing.

It's like Dirty Harry. You would never catch Dirty Harry screaming "Go ahead, make my day!!!" or "Go ahead, make my day??" No. He was always dead serious and calm; "Go ahead, make my day." And it scared the daylights out of everyone. Not that I've seen a Dirty Harry movie...

So be bold. Be edgy. Live as though you seriously don't care what people think. That's what I'll be trying to do.

Catch me if you can.

Monday, August 18, 2008


Well this is exciting. I have to admit to all you people in cyberland, I've been trying to do a blog for a while now. I have a myspace account, but all I wanted was the blogging feature; seriously, myspace has way too many things to deal with. I honestly don't get half of it!
And then I thought I could join facebook. But the more I thought about it, the more I was like 'eh, no...'. Why go to a site where people rate you on how you're profile is set up? How can someone judge you by something that shallow? No thanks...
So here I am, Birdgirl90 with All the Stars and Boulevards. Funny thing about my blog - it's named after one of my favorite albums. The album is by Augustana and is called "All the Stars and Boulevards". It actually has one of my favorite songs of all time on it, called "Stars and Boulevards" (do you sense a theme here?...). The song is very haunting and is this guy singing about how everything he gave his girlfriend wasn't enough, she was always looking for something more, so she left him and he's trying to get over her. There are a couple of lines that get me, like "it's hard to look at all the seasons/pass me over too" and "any inch of you that hasn't said it all or read it all/or sung my life away". Very good song, you should go listen to it.
Seriously. Go. Now. Listen to it.


More to come later...