Sunday, September 28, 2008

And now I know I'm tired...

Some days, it just feels hard to keep it all together. Now, I know that it sounds like a depressing start to a blog entry, but life is interesting like that. The issue on my mind is that of college, yet again.

It seems that it still feels like a frightfully heavy weight, college and change. Kansas is plain - beautiful, but plain. I'm from the midwest originally, so I mean that in an affectionate way. And if I never fit in out there, I can come home. I seem to have forgotten that yesterday or this week. Home will always be open for me.

I think my main problem is that I over analyze everything. And I do mean everything. College and relationships seem to be the big things I tear to shreds in my mind. Oh, and myself. I am constantly self-doubting myself or tearing myself - I literally am my biggest critic. There are days that I am able to stand back from the analyzing and see things for what they are, and at those times I feel better. But it's a hard thing. It is very hard to be able to trust that everything in life is going to work out and that what's going to happen will happen.

I feel like the guy in "Fiddler on the Roof" - he's constantly talking with God and trying to get answers to what is going on in his life. That's me. "Dear God, it's me, Meaghan..." type of thing.

And questions. A gazillion questions that I have no answers for. Questions like: "Will I be okay in college?"; "Everyone else has someone - when will I?"; and "Why?"

Really dumb questions. Come to think of it, maybe that's why God doesn't answer me. My questions are all really shallow. At least, that's how it sounds.

But then I get to the questions like: "What am I going to do with this life and why am I here?"; "I'm still alive, so what purpose do I have?"; and "Am I strong enough to handle this?"

And sometimes I just plead with God. Or beg or wish or whatever you want to call it. Things like "Please keep my dad employed and my family safe"; "Please don't let the boy I love die when he becomes a cop"; and "Please help me through it all".

How is it that a blog about college became a blog about God? That must be a sign that I am tired. Which means I should go to bed.

Good night, cyberland, and may God bless you.

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