Saturday, September 27, 2008

Oh my God, I feel so odd...

Hi everyone on cyberspace!! It is I, Birdgirl90. Sorry it's been so long since I've up dated, I've had an incredibly busy week. Homecoming was amazing - my date was wonderful and I had a great time. It just took a lot of my time and energy to get prepped for it. I know, I know - it's not an excuse. Humor me.

Plus the girl I share shifts with gave notice, so soon I will be having even less time because I'm going to have to work all her shifts as well as my own until they hire someone to take her place.

And to top it all off, I got accepted to the college of my choice and am going to have to be making some decisions in the next week or two. Let me tell you - I don't know why, but I am almost dreading that. Very hard to explain, but I think it must have something to do with the fact that college means leaving, and leaving is hard, as is all change, especially one as drastic as school. I know I should feel relieved. I mean, I got accepted afterall - that should be enough to make me want to do cart wheels. I don't know. I think I just got really attatched to the people here, and I'm not sure I want to leave them...

But enough. I am strong. I will deal with it.

So what am I doing today? I am sitting at my computer, listening to online radio and typing my heart out. And you apparently have nothing better to do, as you are here reading my heart's confessions. Yes, this is a different type of post compared to everything else I've done. Before, I always tried to be slightly personal, but not to the degree of you actually feeling as if you know me. Today, I just have to voice everything I'm feeling regardless of how it sounds. My apologies - if you don't like it, leave my blog.

I thought that going to Kansas for school would be a really great idea. I didn't have to write an essay for the school I got into, and it's the perfect sized campus for me; I didn't think about anything else when I applied. I know no one in Kansas and no one I know here in Colorado are planning on going there. I'm such a small grain of sand in the scheme of things - there is no guarentee that I am going to fit in or make friends or be able to manage myself. To tell the truth, when I got my acceptance letter, I got so scared that I wanted to cry. I still feel like that, but I can't go back now.

I would voice these thoughts out loud to my friends or family, but when I say the words out loud, they sound so stupid that I want to shake myself. I know everyone gets anxiety, but I thought I was getting above and beyond it. So I tell myself again and again that it will all be okay, that everything will work itself out and that I need to stop worrying.

And then there was homecoming this week. My date, as said before, was amazing. He wore a suit and tie, and brought me a corsage. He opened the car door for me (a first for me, and I enjoyed it immensly) and the doors at dinner and the dance for me, and was basically a perfect gentleman. I tried so hard to not be nervous, as he is one of my best friends, but that was nearly impossible. I had a wonderful time, though - we went with my sister and her date and just had a lot of fun.

Today, the day after, I got copies of the pictures my mom took before we left last night. He looks so handsome in the pictures that it just makes me melt. I look at myself, though, and internally cringe. I have some nice features, such as my face, but the camera really does add ten pounds or whatever. Again, things I would talk about out loud but they seriously sound stupid when said out loud. I know that I am a pretty individual, maybe not so much on the outside, but inside I know I'm a pretty good person. And I know I looked pretty last night. I just also feel self concious about my weight, even though it does not matter to anyone I know.

The picture, however, is in one of my writing notebooks with a paperclip, and I have no intention of removing it. I'm also planning on drying my corsage so that I can keep it forever. No matter what happens (we have no idea if we are dating or just friends or what...), I will remember last night for as long as I am here.

And now that I've got all that off my chest, I feel as though I can breathe again. Maybe I'll start taking my own advice and let things go. Thanks for listening.

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