Sunday, December 30, 2012

A Blog of Lists, 2012 Edition

Well, 2012 is over as of Tuesday.  I am very happy about this.  It has been perhaps one of the hardest years I remember, not just for myself, but for many across the board.

But there has been a lot of accomplishments this year. :) Thus, the series of lists I now present to you.

Things I Learned in 2012:

~How to bake killer chocolate chip cookies

~How to open my own online store

~How to knit a sweater

~How to knit socks from the toe up

~How to hold a baby properly

~How to design my own projects, such as sweaters and hats

~How to write knitting patterns

~How to play with color

~That the world won't end when an ancient calendar runs out

~That I hate being bossed around in the work place

~That I dislike getting up before 5 am

~That babysitting is a joy

~That gluten free cooking is easier than you think

~That anniversaries are to be enjoyed cause it can be a struggle to get there sometimes

~That a lot of good things require work

~That I can handle a lot more than I originally gave myself credit for

~That family is one of the most solid things you will ever have (I already knew this, but 2012 solidified it even further)

~That comparing yourself to others only leads to frustration

~That God is kind

~That I love Mario Brothers for some reason

~That spinning is just as addictive as I feared

~That I am capable


I won't go into all the books I read in 2012 because the list is monumental.  However, here are a few I really enjoyed from the year and would recommend:

~Thinner by Stephen King

~Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

~The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzan Collins

~A Life in Stitches by Rachael Herron

~The Shop on Blossom Street by Debbie Macomber

~The Elementals by Francesca Lia Block

~Love Wins by Rob Bell

~Knitting Rules! by Stephanie Pearl-McPhee


From a movie point of view, it was a pretty good year too.  Here are some I really enjoyed that I saw for the first time this year:

~Repo: the Genetic Opera

~How to Lose Friends and Alienate People

~The Princess and the Frog

~Tangled

~Lincoln

~The Men Who Stare at Goats

~The Dark Knight Rises

~Men in Black 3

~The Hunger Games

~Alien

~The Fifth Element

And of course, all the stuff I managed to knit.  It's not as big as you would think, but I hit a lot of my goals here:

~Fall colored merino socks (for me)

~Windowpane bag

~Green, violet, and pink wool hat

~Barfly sweater in blue (my first sweater!)

~Purple socks (for Trevor)

~Heart hat (my first design!)

~A single purple glove, no mate

~Purple handwarmers (for Michelle)

~Pink and orange varigated socks (for Katie)

~Cherry Cordial Cardi in green (for me)

~Yellow washcloth

~Red shawl (for my neighbor)

~Rainbow socks (for Katie, currently to be reworked)

~Handspun chunky cowl (with yarn spun by Kristine!!!)

~Keep It Casual Cowl

~Absinthe sweater in purple (for Katie, shoulders to be reworked)

~Green striped socks (toe up)

~Pink cameo socks

~Forget-Me-Knot sweater in violet (my first sweater design!!!)

~Two charity hats

~Three ruffle scarves

~A Link hat from Legend of Zelda (for Trevor, my make it up as I go pattern)

~A prayer shawl in light blue (for mom)

~Mr. Dad Cardigan (for dad, my own design!!!!)



So it's been a pretty good year from a productivity stand.  My wishes for the new year are that it brings more lessons, more love, and more knitting.

Blessings to you and yours, dear readers.  I'll see you in 2013.

~Meaghan

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Nearly Christmas!

This past week, both of my parents have been sick.  My mom has had a cold and my dad has had the flu. 

Today, my body decided it was time to join the party.  I have caught mom's cold.  It's lovely - dizziness, aches, and yet, not as bad as it could be.  For which I am thanful.

So my bestest friend in the world came in town for the holiday with her boyfriend.  We met up yesterday for some serious catch up and knit time.  Lo and behold, she got me a drop spinner and fleece for Christmas!  Some of the fleece she dyed for me in a beautiful mix of green and purple, and some of it's a natural fawn brown.  While we were out sipping chai teas at the local bookstore, she taught me to spin.

I have since become addicted to spinning.  I have my first bit drying in the bathroom.  It's so amazing to make my own yarn.  I feel like a part of me that I didn't know was lacking has been found.

Which of course was what I was afraid of.  Knitting, spinning, writing - my goodness I'm busy with fun.  I just need to remember to do laundry and stuff and I should be good.

Oh!  So I have a knitting book outlined.  With any luck, this year I will have some new patterns and a book ready to go to the editors somewhere.  Need to research that.

And with that, I'm off.  I don't think I can focus much longer.

If I don't get the chance to later, Merry Christmas and happy holidays, whatever you may celebrate.  :)

~Meaghan

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Click Click Click

Why yes, dear readers, that would be the sound of my knitting needles.

First of all, I'm not as sad or angry as I was in the past post.  I went to my local yarnshop and got help finding a free pattern for beanies and some yarn, and I knit the pain and sorrow over what happened this week away.  I was going to mail them to Connecticut, but decided to ultimately give them to the youth director at my church who will give them to the local homeless. 

Those hats did me well.  It's like all the frustration and sorrow for the year melted away.  It was healing.  Selfish as that may seem, it was healing for me.  And I am grateful for that.

All my Christmas knitting is done, with two exceptions.  One is a lace hat (made with this yarn, which I love) for my sister.  I wanted to have it done by Christmas eve, but we'll see.   The other is a lace scarf for my best friend (made with this lovely yarn in a color called Eggplant which is out); it's my first time doing lace with lace yarn.  Total challenge, but I love it.

I'm currently working on experimenting with Fibonacci sequences with knitting.  So today I cast on for a shawl (no pattern, just a whim) with four colors of Wool-Ease worsted, and am running with it.

Today is actually perfect knitting weather, too.  We're in the middle of a blizzard (yay) and no one has to be anywhere til later.  Both of my parents are sick, which sucks, but it's very quiet here.  (Aside from the coughing and sneezing.)  The tree is lit and I am as comfy as can be on the couch. :)

Life is good.  Balance has been restored to my world.

Take a moment today dear readers to remember your joys.

Blessings to all.

~Meaghan

Friday, December 14, 2012

Heartbreak

I can't articulate it.  I can't wrap my head around it.  I can't understand it.

Today, a shooter went into an elementary school in CT and opened fired.  28 people are dead.  At least 20 of those are children under the age of 10.

Children.  Innocent children. 

Kids who were looking forward to Santa coming.  Kids who played with their parents, pets, friends, siblings.  Kids who had dreams of growing up and being big kids and wearing make up and driving cars and being whatever they wanted to be.

Kids who will never see another day.

There are eleven days to Christmas. 

These children were our future.  Some stupid, fucking psycho went in and destroyed lives, futures, dreams, hopes.  He destroyed innocence. 

How can God let this happen? 

I am angry.  I am angrier than I was with the Batman shooting, which is saying something.  How can this be right?

I suppose there will be a reason this happened.  But for now, all I can see is senseless violence tearing apart the frail innocence and care of lives. 

And I am angry at God.

Meaghan

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Noise

Hey there, dear readers.

Lately, I've been so full of confusion and chaos, it isn't even funny.  Where do I go next?  Should I get a full time job?  Should I go back to school?  Or should I just keep doing what I'm doing?

Don't get me wrong, I love what I'm doing.  I love knitting, designing, watching my neighbor's son.  But part of me is bored.  I don't know why.  I feel like something is missing; I miss being in school.

Which I guess is good enough reason to go back.  If I go back, it'll be online.  I crave knowledge, but not other people at the moment.  It wears me out being around too many folks.  Go figure that.

What will I do?

I've been praying so much about the jobs I've applied for, about direction and guidance.  But the noise in my head is so loud most times that I can't hear beyond my own anxious, racing breath.

How do you find a center?  How do you let the Devine guide you and ultimately trust that it will be the right path?

And these are questions that have no permanent answer it seems.  We live and love and trust, and deep in our souls we know the presence of that higher power, the one who steers us through the course of our lives.

I suppose the biggest thing is to breathe.  That's probably a good start.  Calm in, worry out.  Peace in, anger out.  Love in, bitterness out.

It's a mantra, isn't it?  I just realized that.  Counting breaths is like counting waves.  Calm.  Constant.  Echos of echos on the wind.

I digress. 

I think I shall take my own advice and go count my breathing.

~Meaghan

Monday, December 3, 2012

A Year in the Life

Hi there, dear readers.  I know it's only December 3rd, but I'm ready to recap it all.  You know, in case the world really does end or, more likely, before I lose my train of thought.

It's been an interesting year here.  And not just for me, but for everyone, I think.  There's been good and bad, joy and anger, all kind of rolled into a ball. 

The bad has truly been bad.  Statewide and nationally, it seems 2012 has been filled with crisis after crisis.  We've had fires and shootings and missing children.  There have been hurricanes and earthquakes and pain after pain.  I stopped watching the news this year; it was too much. There have been politics ripping the nation apart, people turning on one another due to red or blue affiliation.  There has been lost love.

But it's been incredible watching communities band together.  People who don't know each other bringing flowers to memorials, helping with search parties, making sandwhiches for those who are out of power or food or home.  It's refreshing, it's beautiful, and it restores my faith in humanity.

On a personal level, this year has been incredibly hard.  My boyfriend and I had to go through some serious crap in the spring.  I've had more anxiety, depression, and panic attacks than I think I've ever had; crying every day for weeks is no way to live. 

I've had heartbreak as friends have left my life because I no longer offer what they need or want.  I've had pain as I watch those around me struggle to grasp onto something tangible.  I've felt more lonely this year than I have in a long time.

I got a taste of mortality this year, not once, not twice, but many times, most indirectly but enough to shake my bubble.  You can't live with your head in the clouds forever, it seems.  There was illness and horrible bosses and fights.

But there's been so much good, too.  My family and I are closer than ever; they've never faltered.  My boyfriend is healthy and our relationship more open and stronger than it ever was.  I've reconnected with friends I hadn't spoken with in a long time and I've strengthened some of my relationships.

There was a lot of joy.  Joy in meeting family I didn't know I had and who I loved instantly.  Joy in finishing school.  Joy in knowing what I want out of my life and in no longer being anyone's puppet.  Joy in watching those around me grow. 

Joy in teaching children and learning through their innocence.  Joy in designing and creation and in making socks and sweaters.  Joy in starting my own business.

There's been wonder, a deeper relationship with the Devine.  Love and laughter and tickle fights and lunches with my sister and so much I can't even describe.  With all the pain and hurt,  somehow I have never felt so full of love and life.

There are goals for the future now.  Knitting books I dream to write, wooded paths I plan to walk, stories I plan to tell.  Love I plan to enjoy and share, better than ever before.

Why do I share all this?  Because it's important.  The good will always outweigh the bad.

No matter who you are, no matter where you're going, no matter what part of this fits you, whether you be just a reader, a wanderer, one who left, one who stayed, one who doesn't even know me, I want to thank you.  Thank you for sharing a bit of my journey with me.  Thank you for letting me be your friend for a little bit and for letting me know you and letting me walk with you for a ways on the road of life.

I love you all.

Blessings on your way.

~Meaghan

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Owls


Early this morning, at about 3am, the local pair of great horned owls woke me up. They were calling back and forth to each other in the frosty November air, the female's soprano rising above the male's baritone, each a gentle call of love.

It signaled mating season. I listened for a minute, letting the calls wash over me before racing to grab my boyfriend, Trevor, from the living room.

"You have to hear this," I told him, unable to hide my glee. He followed me, unsure of what to find, as I led him back to the dark bedroom. He started to speak, but I shushed him. "Listen."

The owls began again. Question, answer. Question, answer. Choose me, choose me; maybe, maybe.

Trevor smiled at me. "Go," he teased with a shooing motion. "Be free, owl."

I shook my head and grinned. "They're mating," I whispered.

He hugged me then got ready for bed.

Later, laying in bed with his arms around me, I reveled in the owls outside, in their conviction of love. 

Great horned owls mate for life.  They don’t live together year round, but come together again to share a nest for mating season.  This courtship outside, the gentle voices of the owls reconnecting, is just the beginning.  There will be preening, the owl form of cuddling, and nest fixing.  Come February, they’ll both be taking care of chicks.  But once the chicks leave the nest, the owls part, searching for separate branches to rest on.

“If reincarnation turns out to be the way things go when we die,” I whispered into the dark, more to myself, “I hope I come back as an owl.”

Trevor yawned.  “I just hope I bump into you again.”

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Carpal Tunnel and NaNoWriMo

Hello dear readers,

I apologize for the long absence.  In the past week, I have been diagnosed with carpal tunnel in my right hand.  The reason: too much writing and knitting.  So I've been having to give it a break.  (It'll be another week or two before I can knit again. =P)

I have decided this year to do NaNoWriMo.  It's National Novel Writing Month, and I have yet to complete any story, so I decided kind of last minute that it would be a good idea.

Is anyone else doing it?

It looks like fun.  I hope I can actually do it and get something written for once.

And now I have to go wrap my wrist again.

Until the next time.

~Meaghan

Friday, October 26, 2012

Don't Forget to Vote!

I know you're probably hearing that everywhere, dear readers, but it really is so important.

In the weeks that follow, we will be deciding who is going to lead the country for four more years.

Every vote matters. 

So please, make sure to get out and vote.  It's important.  Make your voice heard.

(And if you don't vote, you don't get to bitch about how the country is being run.  Remember that.)

~Meaghan

Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Perils of Passing Out Samples

Hello, dear readers.

As you may or may not know, I work on the weekends passing out samples in the grocery store.  It's a fun job most of the time.  I get to talk to people, try new products (what's that?  Oh, a new soda?  Sure, I'll try it..), and make a pretty easy paycheck.

But it's not always fun or easy.  There are a handful of things that can really throw it off.  And so, I created a list:

1. Rude Customers
  
 It's like they expect me to bend over backwards for them.  They're the people who come up to the table and cut in front of everyone, grabbing without stopping.  FYI, due to health code, I have to hand the samples over.  If you grab one out of hand, not only are you showing a lack of respect for me and my position, but you're putting my health license in danger.  Not cool.  And seriously.  If you're going to get a sample, put the cell phone down.

2. Ill Behaved Children
 
 I'm not allowed to pass samples out to anyone under 13 without a parent present.  I did not create the rules, I only follow them.  That being said, when your kid comes up to the table while you're too busy looking at shredded cheese and takes five of one thing before I can stop them, it's really not cool.  And if you're the parent of the kid and you don't even have the courtesy of coming by and at least taking a coupon after that, then you aren't any better.  (You know who you are, and I'm watching you.)

3. Cranky Employees

 Yeah, it happens.  I had one case where I started to set up (where I was told to) and the manager came over, ripped my table cloth off my table and told me that I wasn't in the right place.  Totally disrespectful.  Plus you get cranky managers on the phone who make it sound like you're putting them out when you do the pre-call on Monday for a demo on Saturday.  It's not that I mean to make anyone's life harder; honestly, I sell product for them.  So, if you're a store employee, be nice to me.  Cause it's no skin off my nose if I don't actively make an effort to sell you out.

There you have it.  The trio of people that make my job hell.  I stand there for five to six hours, waiting to greet you with a smile.  The least you can do is be kind back.

So next time you're in the grocery store and see a sample person, my dear readers, at least smile and say hi.  It's the least you can do. =)

~Meaghan

Thursday, October 18, 2012

We Have Internet Again!

And it has never tasted so sweet.

I'm happy we have internet again.  As I sit here in bed, sick yet again with another stupid sinus infection possibly mingling with strep throat, I am able to communicate to all you lovely readers.

How's it going?

So yeah.  We have interwebs again.  Pretty sweet.

Know what else is awesome and sweet?

My Etsy shop. 

That's what's sweet.  You guys should all check it out.  It's called Birdie's Boutique 2012 and it's run by my mom and I.  Mom does all the crochet, I do all the knitting.  Most of what we aim for is custom orders, but we do have things already made that you can buy.

I love how everything is kind of falling into place.  I'm not a millionaire, and I more than likely will never be one, but I'm so happy doing what I'm doing.

That's the point of life, you know.  Be happy doing what you're doing, being who you are.

And now I'm going to bed.

~Meaghan

Monday, October 8, 2012

Need Some Gift Ideas?

Hi there, dear readers!

I've done it.  I've opened a small craft operation on Etsy selling my knitted goods.  Here's all you need if you're interested.

On Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/#!/BirdiesBoutique

On Etsy:

http://www.etsy.com/shop/birdiesboutique2012

Feel free to give it a whirl. :)

Next entry will be more interesting, I promise. I'm just tired of staring at my computer screen today.

~Meaghan

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Holes

I woke up this morning, my dear readers, and had a bit of a surprise.  Not a good surprise, either. 

My favorite pair of knitted socks - the ones made last year with an autumn colorway of Koigu hand painted merino wool - has a hole in them.

Not like a little hole I can fix, either.  Like, a hole that requires making a new pair of socks.

(Which wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't lost the urge to knit for a few days.  Eventually this problem will be fixed and I'll be knitting again, but for now, I'm on a break.)

The whole thing - no pun intended - got me thinking.

Everything is made to wear out. 

Think about it.  Shoes wear out.  Socks wear out.  Animals and people wear out.  Furniture wears out.  Floors wear out.

And it goes beyond that.  Relationships get old and wear out.  Friendships get worn out.  Jobs and homes and families sometimes wear out.

Nothing is permanent.

But that's part of the beauty of it.  While they wear out, they usually just change.  Sometimes a friendship falls apart and a new one replaces it.  Sometimes a relationship wears out and becomes better for it.  Sometimes a job ends and a better one comes along.

Nothing is permanent.  Nothing here on Earth lasts forever.

No error is eternal.  No argument goes on for ever.  No mispoken word or wrong action will last. 

Instead, we learn from it.  We grow from it.  We let it fade and make new marks.

We weave new yarns together, so to speak.

And I, for one, am glad of that.

~Meaghan

Monday, October 1, 2012

Faith Without Dogma

I had a bit of a revelation this week, dear readers, and I've given it some serious thought before presenting it here.

I accepted Jesus.  I asked him to take over for me.  I had a conversation with God, if you will.  I felt the love, I felt the compassion, and I am so ready to be passing it on to others.

But there's a glitch in the system.  Maybe it's just me, maybe it's the whole system, maybe it's not a glitch at all.

I....have a mixed faith.

I believe in Jesus.  I believe in Grace.  I believe in the Christian view of compassion and love and caring for one another.

I don't believe in hell.  I don't believe in an angry God. I don't believe in strict rules with immediate punishment.

Which isn't to say I don't believe in evil.  I am very aware that there is evil in the world.  I see it every time I turn on the news and someone has been hurt by another for any given reason.  I see it every time a young person takes their life because they have been tormented for too long.  I see it every time there is war coverage.

I just don't see how there can be a hell for eternity.  That's all.

I still practice and love aspects of Wicca.  I love the respect and love for nature.  I love the energy that I can feel in my very veins.  I love the blessing of homes and of others.  I love the embracing of the feminine nature and of female energy.  I find it empowering and beautiful.

I still meditate sometimes.  I pray constantly.  I talk directly to God without going through saints or priests or mediators.  I still read everything I can get my hands onto.  I refuse to be narrow.

I believe in faith without dogma, in God without religion, in love and grace without exceptions.

By many definitions, I am not allowed to be called a Christian even though I accepted Jesus as my way.  Even though I've always talked with God and done what felt right in my gut.  Even though the Grace aspect comes from Jesus.

And in many ways, I am still conflicted about that, about names, about straight lines and fine print.  About the fact that I have to "define" myself through my personal journey.

Maybe it's no one's business.  Maybe it's just me, making it harder than it is, trying to voice what I can't understand, trying to understand a force and being that is beyond any of our mortal thoughts.

But I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, there's some truth in there.  That if we were to stop pointing fingers and judging those around us, if we were to stop insisting that we are always the right ones and they (whoever the they may be) are the wrong ones, if we were to stop insisting in punishment if you don't belive one certain way,  that maybe we could focus on loving our fellow men and women.

 That maybe, we can focus on doing the right thing, on helping those who need us, on remembering to say a quiet prayer for those on the street corners and the woman in line behind us in the grocery store.

I am by no means an expert.  And maybe I'm wrong. I suspect there are many that think I am.  That's okay with me.

But I'm going to do exactly what I think.  No dogma, no pegging into holes, no pointing fingers. 

I'm going to love with my arms open and greet the new day without holding back from here on.  I will reflect that love, the love without a name, the love too great for me to even begin to explain. 

Will you join me?


~Meaghan

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Well It's About Time

Am I right, or am I right? 

You know, we actually had the conversation about getting internet in our apartment again.  And my lovely boyfriend surprised me by turning out to be against it. 

Not having internet is all well and good.  I mean, I get a lot of other things done, like knitting and design projects.  I read a lot more.  I clean a lot more.  And I play my violin more, which is good.  (More on that in a few paragraphs, dear readers.)

But when it comes to updating my blog or anything else online, I'm really not motivated to pack my computer up and go somewhere with internet.  Today I'm at the library, so it worked out well.  I just find I have less motivation to turn my computer on.  It's odd.

So, as I've said before, that's why the long gaps between posts now.

Oi. Freaking. Vey.

Well, let's do this.

My mom's younger, estranged brother landed in the hospital due to his alcoholic tendencies.  They weren't sure he was going to pull through, but what do you know?  He did.  Then her best friend since high school was diagnosed with a very deadly form of breast cancer.  On top of that, my sister is going through a really hard break up of sorts with this guy she works with who is also ten years older than her but acts like a 12 year old sometimes.

It's been an interesting month, let's just say that.

I quit my job.  Yup.  Flat out quit.  I finally decided that working in dead end retail where I was talked down to by my boss and co-workers and where I could feel my brain melting out of my skull wasn't worth it. 

So what am I doing, besides the plethora of knitting designs and the occasional poem?

I'm teaching violin lessons.

I had two students, but the one I've had for over a year decided to quit.  It was a bit of a blow.  Out of the blue, I swear.  I had no idea.  (I'm trying not to take it personally, though it kind of feels that way.)

I've been thinking about going back to school.  I like to learn, I like to read, I like to broaden my horizons.  The only problem is what I would do.  I have an associates degree in creative writing.  Which was fun, but it really isn't what I want to do with my life.  I'm still feeling burned out from the classes and critics and everything else.

My original major was biology.  I had wanted to either go into astronomy or ornothology, the study of birds.  When I was a young teenager, I volunteered at this place called the World Bird Sanctuary and loved every minute of it.  The barn owl on the page cover was my baby, Tobin; when my family moved to Colorado when I was 15, they let me hold him on  my last day. 

(Sadly, he has passed on, but I will never forget him.)

So there's interest in going to school to get my science degree.  Maybe environmental studies?  I've been toying with the idea for a few months.

But then, I'm also really interested in religious studies.  I love reading about the different religions and cultures and faiths.  I like finding similarities and differences among them.  So maybe I would minor in that?

Another thing - what about textile designs?  Color and creation are a core part of who I am.  I live to create new knitted items.  And I love playing with patterns.

Ugh.  I don't know.  More thought, then narrow down, then enroll. That's what I'm thinking.

That really does sum up just about everything.  I'm thinking I'll try to fix my Twitter so I can actually log in again.

Until the next time, my dear readers.  Thank you for your constant patience.

~Meaghan

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

9:30 AM

The following is what I wrote this morning on my Microsoft Word:


Hello, dear readers.

Yet again, another delay in posting.  I think I don’t have any excuses, except perhaps the fact that I’ve been incredibly lazy this week. 

(No, seriously.  I haven’t made the bed, or done laundery, or really done anything except work, read, and knit. I’m not proud, but it is what it is.)

This morning was strange.  First of all, I decided to get on the scale.  I gained 0.4 pounds, which was a bit disappointing.  I know I can’t win all the time, but I wish I could.  As it stands, I’ve still lost over 14 pounds since April.  I now weigh what I weighed last summer.

Also, I woke up shaking so badly I could barely hold on to anything.  Mom wanted me to help her cut coupons, so I was attempting to use scissors and cut them out, but all of them were pretty rough. 

So naturally, mom thought it was my blood sugar.  I took it and was at 96, which is good for fasting.  I knew it wouldn’t be that.  The truth is, it’s a side effect of my anti anxiety medication.

The side effects have become increasingly worse since I’ve gone back to a full dose of the stuff.  The good news: My panic attacks are all but gone.

The bad news: I’m waking up every morning with shakes, I wake up at least 4 times a night, and I don’t really sleep anymore.

I’m trying to remember the last time I slept the entire night in a fullfilling sleep.  I think it’s been at least a month.  Granted, this week is strained because my boyfriend is out of town visiting friends and family and I’ve had to adjust to him not being here.  But even when he was here, I was still waking up at least twice a night.

It’s like I have to pick the  lesser of two evils.  I can have minimal side effects, but have regular panic attacks again, which is no way to live.  Or I can have major side effects, but be able to function most of the time.

I guess I don’t really need to sleep after all.

So after deducing that it was my meds, my blood sugar really did drop in a single swoop, leaving me with the familiar hot/clammy/jitter infested plummet.  One Coke later, and here I am, typing a pre blog on Microsoft Word because I know I won’t be able to upload it until later this afternoon.

It never ends.

Since my boyfriend has been out of town (it’ll be a week tomorrow, and then an extra week and a couple of days til he returns), I’ve been doing a lot of Meaghan things.  This includes knitting, reading (but not romances, cause those make me miss him more), going to work, meeting with friends, and hanging out with my family.  I’m also in the process of beating both Donkey Kong Country and Batman: Arkham Asylum.  I doubt I’ll have either done before he gets back, but they’re still fun to play.

I’m on chapter two of the novel I’m writing.  I’ve been trying to not be overly critical like I normally am with my writing.  So to achieve this, I haven’t been re-reading what I’ve written.  This means that when I pick it up to add to the next section, I read the last few sentences of the previous section and continue on.  It’s either going to prove to be brilliant (meaning I’ll actually finish my novel before the year is out) or it’s going to crash and burn like the plane in the opening of the Dark Knight Rises (if you haven’t seen it, then I didn’t spoil much – stuff always seems to explode in the beginnings of these movies).

Only time can tell.

And speaking of risks (which we were talking about, believe it or not), I’m taking a leap of faith with my business.  My mom has agreed to work for me.  We’re scouting out consignment places today, and hopefully will have this thing off the ground before the end of the month.  I don’t know how much I want to give away though.  I’m afraid to jinx it.

(Just know I am so thrilled about it that I can hardly contain myself.  With determination, luck, and hard work, I hope to one day open my own store front with this adventure.)

I know this is a long blog, but thank you for bearing with me.  There are so many things I’m trying to muddle through.  I feel like I can’t see straight at times.  But I know there’s a purpose for all of it, even if I can’t see it or understand it.

Thank you for listening, my dear readers.  Have a wonderful Wednesday.

~Meaghan

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Weight Loss, the Ravellenics, and More!

Hi again, dear readers!

So the Ravellenics has kicked off and I am so excited to be part of it.  The cowl I started last night for it looks so beautiful so far.  I didn't know I would be so excited by the yarn.  It's Amazing by Lion Brand yarn, in the colorway Ruby.  So awesome.

My weight loss is coming along.  Back in April I weighed by heaviest: a whopping 217 lbs.  That's way too much on a build like mine.  My doctor recommened a few weeks ago that I go on a 1500 calorie diet.  I've been taking her advice and have been using an app on my phone to help me keep track of my calories each day.

It's amazing to me how quick the calories add up when you eat junk, but how much food you can eat if you eat good stuff.  Like, five of the gummy apple rings I love so much are 120 calories.  But for 120 calories, I can have half a cup of cottage cheese and almost half a cup of cantelope.  Mind boggling!

So far it's been working though.  I am happy to report that as of yester day, I weight 207.8 lbs.  My boyfriend has helped by motivating me as well.  As soon as I lose ten more pounds, I'll weigh what I did when we met.  When I get there, he's going to get me all the stuff to make this, somehting I've been wanting to make for a while.  He's also going to take me to a nice dinner. :)

Finally, I'm working on hammering out the kinks starting my own business.  It's got a ways to go, but I think the first step is going to be doing consignment this fall with my mom.  We're going to see about sell our yarn crafts at a consignment store.  I'm starting to stockpile at the moment.  (My cowl for the Ravellenics is going to be one of the things to go in.)

As you can see it's been very busy here.  Couple that with working five days a week, and I just don't have the crazy energy to blog.

I will do my best to keep you posted as things continue to work out, though.

~Meaghan

Prayers for Aurora

I know it's been a while, but it's been a crazy couple of weeks, and honestly, I didn't feel like posting.  Colorado has been through so much - I was at a different cinema with my boyfriend when the shooting took place during the Batman movie, but I had a friend who was in theater 8.  She's safe, but it's been pretty rough cause that's all the news talks about, and it did hit so close to home.

Prayers to all the victims and families.  I can't even imagine their loss.  The fact that it could have happened in our cinema makes me shake.  The fact that I had a friend in theater 8, and a friend who would have been in theater 9 had she decided to go (she was on the wall about it the week before), makes me queasy.

I think it shows that no matter what, you aren't safe anywhere.  So why hold back?  The one thing this tragedy should teach us all is that we need to live as if this day is our last.  Love no matter what.  Do the things that we think we can't.  Try what we've always dreamed of. 

And don't fear.  Never fear.  If we are afraid, then the gunmen in the world win.  The bad guys win.  And we can't let that happen.

So live life, my dear readers.  Live it without fear.  And please.  Keep Colorado in your prayers.

~Meaghan

Friday, June 29, 2012

Tired of the News

I'm going to start this blog today, dear readers, with an overview of where I stand.  Bear with me a moment.

Obamacare has been upheld by the Supreme Court.  I for one am thankful for that.  Under Obamacare, my mom and I (who both have pre-existing conditions that the insurance companies would love to deny us for) will always be able to get health insurance, even if my dad lost his job.  Before, we would be denied coverage.  And without insurance, my mom wouldn't be able to get the diabetic meds she needs, thus shortening her life expectancy drastically.

 I need my mom here with me.  And no matter what I do, I'm basically pre-diabetic and will develope it fully anytime in my lifetime.

Immigration makes my head spin.  Why is it so hard to let others come join our freedom?  Why is it so hard to allow those who want to learn and work become citizens?

Abortion shouldn't even be an issue.  It's between a woman, God, and her doctor.  Not the government.  Not the Christians.  Not the men in her life.  It's a private issue that has been blown up out of proportion.  Same with contraception.  The one Republican senator who said "Stick an asprin between your knees" is full of hot air; even if you deny contraception, teens and premarriage couples are still going to experiment and crave the urge to be close.

Gay marriage shouldn't be an issue either.  One friend of mine said that she didn't want the gays to call it marriage because "marriage is a Christian institution."  I have news folks.  Every culture, every religion, every walk of life has marriage.  It is not owned by one group of people.  What is everyone so afraid of?

I'm so tired of turning on the news and hearing one side against another.  I'm worn out from opening my Facebook account and seeing so much fear, anger, and hate towards each other.

When will we find the middle ground?  When will the ones who are afraid learn to open themselves a bit? 

And everyone wonders why I don't associate with a religion or political party.  (For the record, I vote independently - I've been known to vote for both parties based on the kind of job I thought they would do.)

~Meaghan

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Everything At Once

I found out yesterday that we have ten days to move to a new apartment.

It's not that we're being evicted.  It's not that we're moving across town.

It's that we're getting a bigger apartment across our complex.

It's very exciting.  Katie will have her own room.  Trevor and I will have our own room, too, in exchange for paying our own rent to my parents.  It's going to be amazing.=D

So here's what's happened in the past week or two:

~Trevor got accepted to the school he wanted to get into
~I'm working 40 hours at JCP
~We're moving

Craziness!

And that's why I've been AWOL and will continue to be AWOL for the rest of June.

Enjoy the month, dear readers. =) Swim in your respective pools for me, please.

~Meaghan

Monday, June 11, 2012

Sleep Time Yet?

I get to go to work at 5 am tomorrow.  Notice the word "get".  Because working is good.

Even if it means I have to wake up at 4 am.

I'm also scheduled to work every day for the next six days.  So if I'm a little more spazed and spurratic than usual, that would be why.

~Meaghan

(PS, can you tell I'm wiped out?)

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Reconnecting

I didn't realize how dependent on the internet I was until I lost internet in my home.  Well, technically it's my parent's home, but I'm on the lease too, so there.

I'm trying to reconnect with people on a forum I haven't visited in well over 8 months.  8 months!  And that's after visiting and laughing and posting for like a year straight.  Craziness.

I don't read fanfiction like I used to (don't laugh, we all have guilty pleasures), I don't watch animation like I used to, and I don't look up useless - yet entertaining - things like I used to.  In fact, I'm not even on my laptop that much now that school's over.

What I am doing is knitting and designing more.  I go outside more.  I swim more.  I spend time with people in face time more.  I'm working on bringing back the art of letter writing.

It's strange.  I think I went from one extreme to the other.  There has to be a middle ground, right?  So that's going to be my goal for the next few weeks - find the middle ground.  I'm going to make it a point to blog twice a week at least, check forums once a week, and stay connected to my online people better.  I'm also going to continue going outside, swimming, knitting, writing, and designing.

And working.  Because working three jobs requires mad skill.  I applaud people who do it, now that I know what it's like. Bleh. 

(Thank you, student loans and being an official grown-up.)

I think that sounds like a fair compromise.  Wouldn't you agree? 

Here's to finding the middle ground, dear readers.  Cheers.

~Meaghan

Saturday, June 2, 2012

The World in Which We Live

Some people annoy the heck out of me.  And frustrate me.  And make me want to punch something.

Granted, I am not a very violent person.  Nor am I a person who gets angry a lot of the time.  But some people have lately rattled my cage.  Such as:

~The boy who dumped my cousin and threatened to call the cops on her when she left him a letter telling him how she was feeling

~The "friend" I dropped everything for all the time only to have her push me away, then contact me only when she wants or needs something

~The family of my loved one who basically disowned him because he couldn't live up to their expectations and who now may have put him into a tax crisis

~The Tae Kwon Do master who took money when he wasn't supposed to

These are mainly the people who annoy me at the moment.

But really, what kind of a society do we even live in?

I've been taught my whole life to be kind to others, to do the honest thing, to speak the truth, to take responsibility, to respect others even when I disagree.  Why can't others do the same?  Why are abortion clinics and threats of hell being thrown around when we should be extending our hand to our brothers and sisters?  Why are some people takers, taking time and energy and everything else but absent when we need them?  Why is money always such a big thing and why can't business practices be more honest?

I just don't understand the world we live in.  I really don't.

And I'm starting to feel myself becoming bitter.  I don't want that.  I want to believe there's good out there.  But I can't be trampled any more either.

So there are your thoughts for today, dear readers.  Go restore some faith in humanity.

~Meaghan

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Battles and Victories

Hello again, my dear readers.

I have just had a whirlwind of a week.  My graduation party was Saturday and was amazing, I might add.  My cousin came in from out of town and we totally hit it off - I see her now as a best friend/family/everything kind of person.  Which is good because a lot of my current friends are AWOL or morons or just unavailable.  (Busy lives makes it hard.)

I'm on the downswing, though.

The current battle is one with my moods and weight.

My moods are in the gutter.  I'm tired and I just feel like crying all the time for not good reason.  I don't feel motivated to do a lot of stuff.  It's the onset of a depression curve and I need to kill it before it pulls me under.

Then there's my weight.  Age 21 and 1/2, 5'5", and 215 lbs.  Not good.  Not good at all.  My new summer goal is to lose 25 of those pounds by August.

I'm scared though.  What if I'm going to be fat forever?  What if I can't win this battle?  What if I die young because I was stupid and kept gaining weight??? 

So those are the battles.

But there are also victories.

Like my cousin being completely awesome.  And the fact that I got a job at JC Penny.  And the writing set I got complete with pens that have to be dipped in jars of ink, a wax seal, and beautiful stationary. 

My boyfriend loves me.  My family loves me.  The few friends I have love me.

These are good things.

So we'll see how the next few weeks and months progress.  I want to be super aggressive about everything.  I want to be healthy and me.

Until next time,

Meaghan

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Hellooooo, Whirlwind.



Hey blog world! 

Long time no see, huh?  It's been complete madness and I finally feel like I can talk about it all.

1. Graduation

 This feels pretty self descriptive.  My boyfriend and I both walked last Saturday at the ceremony for our community college.  It was exhaustive and amazing, and my parents both cried.  (I may have too...)  It feels insanely weird being a graduated college student - with honors, I might add - and not having to do anymore homework.  I've had a lot of people tell me I should go on and get a BA, but I don't think that's what I want to do right now. 

It's not that I hate school, it's just that I'm done with it for a while.  Besides.  If I went to a four year school, I probably wouldn't go into English.  It was fun and I am very happy I got my AA with writing, but I think I want to pursue other things.  Like knitting.  And the environment.  And science.

2. Anniversary

My boyfriend and I also recently celebrated our one year anniversary.  It has been a crazy rollercoaster ride filled with fun and stress - both from inside and from outside sources (who tells their son to find a better girl because her family is broke?)-, but I wouldn't have it any other way.  I can't imagine being with another man.  He's not perfect and neither is our relationship, but that's what makes it so amazing - the perfection in the imperfection.

Honestly, we almost broke it off a few months ago.  He was having a hard time and the distance wasn't helping.  But we pulled through and I'm so glad we did.  :)

3. Couch

This is where it gets even more personal, so if you don't want to hear it my readers, turn away now.

My boyfriend has broken ties with his father's family and is living on my couch for the summer.  Honestly, I think it was probably one of the best things he could have done.  (I'm just saying this, either, even though I've always known his dad didn't like me.  There was a lot of emotional strain, control, and verbal abuse going on.  My man contemplated suicide.  It was baaaad.)

Having him on my couch is kind of fun though.  He fits in with my family perfectly.  We all care about him deeply.  Which isn't to say his family doesn't, just in a different way.

(I think the saddest part is that his dad has no idea that I'm wearing his son's promise ring.  And he'll probably never know. :( )

4. Food

Yup, it's a wheat allergy.  Awesomeness. 

It's great going to places and being that person who always has to ask what's in everything.  But on the bright side, I feel better than I have in ages.

5. Knitting

~Green Cardigan - done
~Katie's b-day gift - nearly done
~Purple top - started
~Blanket for my love - buying the yarn today
~Red shawl - done

6. Jobs

I've had one interview so far at Bath and Body Works, but no call back.  I called Tuesday and was told I'd get a call yesterday; nothing.  I'm taking this as a sign to keep looking.

I figure, God knows where I should be.  Right?

I think that sums everything up.  I apologize if I was too personal, but I've been holding this stuff in for a while.  It feels  nice to let it out.

I hope everything is going well for you, dear readers.  :)  Enjoy your wonderful weekend.

~Meaghan

Thursday, April 26, 2012

My Brain is Exploding.

But hey, at least graduation is nearly here.

That's my excuse every time I get on Minecraft between classes.  I'm nearly done.  So I can play with my sheep.

(If you don't understand, google Minecraft.)

I've been making a mental list of all the knitting projects I'm going to finish.  It is as follows:

~Surprise for my sister (I'll reveal after her b-day)
~Red shawl for my neighbor
~Green and gold shrug for me
~Pink baby blanket for a friend of mine's grand kid
~Bluegreen alpaca lace shawl for me

Plus I really want to make that tunic for my sister that I created last week.

And I need more socks. 

As does my boyfriend.

And I really want to design some wicked cool stuff this summer.

All I want to do this summer is listen to music, spend time with the people who matter, knit, design, knit what I desgin, collect more paint chips from Home Depot, and swim.  And work my job on the weekends.

Ahhh. 

Two more papers.  Then capstone reading, humanities award ceremony, graduation ceremony, and graduation party.

And then breathing.

~Meaghan

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Ahhhh...

I was going to post about how annoyed I am with politics, rich people, and the summer itch when I still have a week and a half of school left.  But instead, because I'm strange like that, I'm going to post about knitting.

Yesterday, for the first time nearly all semester it seems, I was able to relax enough to design a new project.  Not just any project.  My first design exploration into large articles of clothing.

This may not seem exciting or thrilling to anyone else, but to me, it's huge.  I've been doing hats for a few months, and of course socks and scarves.  But tops?  Wow.

I've just finished a yellow vanilla scented (yes, you read right, the yarn is scented) cotton wash cloth and I've been thinking about how nice cotton feels.  It's a little strange to work with until you get used to it, but then it feels lovely - cool, thick, and non scratchy.  It's really nice.

So why not make a summer top for my sister (who's petite and therefore will use less yarn and who I've been promising to create stuff for her forever) out of cotton?  Thus, it's been born.

Seed stitch edging on the top.  Stockinette stitch body.  Picot edge bind off.  Straps out of seed stitch that are picked up in the back and then button over the shoulder.  Subtle shaping at the waist, but knitted in the round as a tube in essence.

(I'm excited by this.)

I sketched it out and then made a gauge swatch.  It's going to be awesome! 

And until I can afford the yarn (mid to end of May), I  plan on finishing my own cardigan (better late than never), a shawl, and a baby blanket.

Ahh yes.  It feels good to be creative.

Friday, April 20, 2012

They've Updated My Blogger Thing

So that's what happens when you vanish for a while.  Stuff gets updated.  Interesting...

I want eveyrone to know I have no idea where this blog post is going.  I've done homework off and on all morning, much like I have the past week, so my brain is a bit on the fried in. Which is fine.  I think I need to stop thinking for a while anyway.

I can not wait for summer.  Two more weeks of school (one paper, two finals, a capstone reading, and various other things) and then I get to graduate!  Oh geez.  Graduation.  I'm thrilled and terrified.  Absolutely.

People keep asking me what my plan is for when I finish.  I don't have one.  I don't feel like I need one.  I mean, whatever I'm supposed to do, I'll get there eventually so why get myself worked up? 

(On the other hand, I like having plans, but don't tell them.)

I'm really ready to go swimming.  Really and truly.  Swimming, pool, summer, lemonade, bbq, margaritas - summer sounds fabulous.

And that's all I have for today.  Keep it real, my peeps. :)

~Meaghan

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Rethinking Things

So much has happened the past few weeks.  I'm honestly not sure where to begin.  Some of it's not mine to tell.

What I've learned is that when it comes to things and people I care about, I'm stronger than I ever thought possible.

But I have so much on my mind.  Thoughts about God, about pro life and pro choice, about life in general.

I practice a mixture of whatever comes my way.  I believe in God, or Goddess, whichever.  I think they're one and the same.  I know that energy is real; I've felt it in my hands.  I know prayer is powerful; that's why I pray every day, nearly all day at times.  I read my Bible, I carry Goddess cards, and I light candles when I pray or need to calm down.  I know color has an effect, as does smell, and I try to knit with colors that call to me.  (Pink, anyone?)

I have always said I refuse to see the world as black and white.  And I think now, I have just been introduced to yet another shade of gray.  What if I'm wrong?  What if...what if there is a hell, and what if there is heaven?

I could write what I'm feeling (confusion, emptiness, overwhelming everything) off as being stressed because of school and life.  But I don't think that's the case.  I think God is trying to reach me.  Frankly, I'm incredibly resistant right now.

Why?  Well, I know a lot of people who are Christians who really just annoy me.  One of them has told me God is disappointed that I am intimate with my boyfriend and that the fact we're talking about living together before marriage is wrong.  I've also been told that I'm probably going to hell (in nicer terms, mind you) because I don't unquestioningly follow Jesus.

I've always had questions, I've always had thirst.  That's why I read whatever I can get my hands on about everything.  I've explored other religions and myths and stories and faiths and whatever else.  It's not like I don't believe in a higher power.  I don't believe in chance and I don't believe things just happen.  I don't believe we're alone on the Earth. 

But it's so hard.  My dad says I'm making it harder on myself and that I should really just relax and accept Grace.  Maybe he's right.  But I'm incredibly stubborn.

So maybe God's trying to reach me.  And maybe I'm being resentful and denying it.  And maybe I should stop.

My head is spinning right now.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I'm Back!

Holy cow, dear readers.  I am so sorry to leave you in such a lurch.

It has been one thing after another, but I will not bore you with the details.  Just know that it's been a looong month and I'm happy to be back.

I will get back on an even keel here and start updating more regularly once things settle down a bit.  (End of semester crunch and graduation stuff, you know how it goes...)

Thank you so much for your patience.  You are awesome. :)

~Meaghan

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My Head is Spinning.

The past few days have seen actually some turn around.  No, I'm not completely 100% back to my standard of normal Meaghan behavior (whatever that may be) but it appears I can function again.

I finally got my entry into the yarn contest at Lionbrand.  It's my heart hat, but modified for spring:

Lovely, isn't it?


My sister wearing it.
I'm rather happy with how it turned out.  It's both warm and durable, and pretty to boot.

Then I started applying for four year school.

After much debate, stress, worry, and anxiety, I realized I miss being outside.  I miss working with nature.  So I'm applying to local four year schools to get a Bachelor's degree in Environmental Science, or in English with a Minor in Environmental Science.  Or something.  Religious Studies interests me too.  And to be honest, I'm burned out with the writing stuff.

Today, I got my graduation stuff for the spring.  Cap, gown, announcements, Phi Theta Kappa stole, the whole nine yards.  It's really happening, readers.  I'm honest to goodness graduating in less than two months with my Associates in Creative Writing.  How did that happen???

And to top it off, my boyfriend fell off the map for a few days.  When he finally surfaced again, I discovered how much stress he's going through.  Change is a big thing.  So I'm doing the only thing I can think of.

I'm knitting him a log cabin blanket.

And that's what's going on in my world.  It has been a whirlwind of a few days.  I'm freaking exhausted.

(I need to knit some more socks.)

~Meaghan

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Blogging from the Fitness Room...

...because we still don't have internet at home.  Which is fine.  I've been a lot more productive the past three months with things like knitting, designing, and, well actually I guess that's about it.

Homework is a joke.  I hate saying that.  But it's so true.  I honestly can not bring myself to do it.  I hate it.  I'm ready to be done.

Katie got a job.  She loves it.  Today is her first day, and she's currently working.  (She worked a split shift, so that's how I know she loves it.)  I worked today too, greeting people at the front of the store for six hours.  Fun times.  I had a purple skein of sock yarn for Trevor's socks in my pocket with the needles sticking out.  My mom was incredulous, but after the week I've had, I find the yarn to be comforting.

Any yarn and candles at this point are comforting.  I can't unwind without one or both. 

Starting a new diet plan.  It's not technically a diet.  It's a food journal.  I'm so tired of being tired, overweight, and at a risk for all sorts of heath problems.  By writing down what I eat, maybe I can kill my love hate relationship with food for the final time.  It's time for it to stop.

No more binge eating, no more stress eating, no more sad eating.  No more eating alone, and no more eating in front of the TV.

Instead, pick up those needles and knit.  Aggressively. :)  I can do that.

I guess I could write, too, but school has nearly killed my love and passion for it.

And that's the update from the life of Birdie.  Enjoy your weekend, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

A Lack of Road Signs

I feel like I'm riding along through an unmarked area.  There are no road signs telling me which way to go.  Anyway I go will be fine, but each will lead me to a different place.  Those places are unknown.

Hmmm.

My sister just got accepted to the four year school of her choice for the fall.  I am so very, very happy for her.  She has had her heart set on it for the past few months.  It is incredible.  She's so excited.  I haven't seen her this excited for anything in a very, very long time.

I got back from visiting my boyfriend in Boulder.  It was the best thing all semester.  We stayed in a hotel, ate delivery, went to the Pearl Street Mall, visited a yarn store, talked, watched movies, etc.  It was incredible being so close.  When I left, we both cried, me more than him.  I felt like Rose from Dr. Who in the Doomsday episode.  All I wanted was to go back.

And thus the cross roads.

I have been told that if I go to a four year school, I will be more employable.  But my major would probably be English.  And honestly, I'm completely neutral about it.  I'm neither excited nor unexcited about the prospect of going to school for a few more years.  It's more "Ehhh."

If I get a full time job, I can save, live at home, get a car, and then work on moving out.  I can move in with my boyfriend or move near him to give both of us a support structure and routine.  I like this idea, but I'm not ready to work full time at the moment.

So what I think I'll do is keep the job on the weekends that I currently have.  I'll spend as much time over the summer as I can with the people I care about.  And then come July or August I'll decide what to do.

Maybe I'll have some road signs by then.

~Meaghan

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Title-less in Colorado

Hello, dear readers.

I have no idea what to title this blog today.  I think it's the fact that it's a) a Wed, b) gloomy outside, and c) I'm about to go out of town this weekend to see my boyfriend for the first time in over a month.

This is the longest we've been apart since we started dating almost a year ago.  Isn't that crazy?  Can'twaitcan'twaitcan'twait....

Totally swamped with homework.  Spring break is approaching and I'm more behind than I anticipated being.  Which really isn't that far behind.  It just feels behind for me.  But I'll get ahead.

I've been researching how to start my own online business.  It's a lot of work.  I want to have a site where I can sell my knitted items and creations to thos who are interested.  Everything on my site will be designed by me so that I can get my knits some publicity and so that I don't have to deal with potentially sticky lawsuits.  It's a fine dream, isn't it?

No idea how it's going to come about.  But it feels a lot more attainable than the yarn shop at the moment.  (Still not giving up on that one, either.)  I'll have to work full time.  Totally worth it though.

For now it's still half baked, though.  My designing feels like it's getting better.  Which is good.

(And now I know why I collect paint chips - to help with creation.)

It's a gloomy day.  Yesterday was beautiful - nearly 70 degrees, flip flops and iced tea galore.  Not so much today.  Today I really just want to curl up in bed again. Bleh.

And that has been your update for the day, dear readers.  I hope you're enjoying your day, whatever it may bring.

~Meaghan

Monday, March 5, 2012

No Knitting

For three days, I was unable to knit.  Everytime I thought about picking up the needles, I felt sick to my stomach.  Never had that happen before.

My cardigan?  Nope.  The red shawl for my neighbor? Nope.  The stuffed TARDIS for my friend? Nope.

For three days.  Three days!

But I'm back to it now.  The red shawl is on the needles and happily moving along, and not a moment too soon.

Cause I found out today that my friend Dorothy (the one who got me to meet my beau last spring) is gonna be a grandma!  Her daughter is my age and pregnant.

So I need to learn how to make baby blankets. :)  So excited.

Alright, class.

Enjoy your day dear readers.

~Meaghan

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Creativity Time

I was going to create a shawl.  It would be triangular and wrap around like a hug, you know?

But then I looked at the amount of yarn in my possession of the color scheme I want.  I have a huge stash, but I only have four partial balls of the colors I desire.  That's not enough for a shawl.

So now it's morphing into a scarf. 

I'm calling it "Rocky Mountain High" after the John Denver song because the color scheme is based on the Colorado landscape in late winter.  I have a goldenrod yellow, a bonemeal beige, a chocolate brown, and a dusty blue.  It's going to be beautiful.

I hope.

We'll see.

~Meaghan

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Blogging Madness and Optimism

Maybe I'm optimistic because I'm about to see my boyfriend next weekend.  Or maybe I'm optimistic because I've cried all the bad, sad feelings out.  Or maybe, just maybe, I'm optimistic because it's time to be.

Who knows?  Who cares?

It's stormy outside with snow and rain and sleet, but my mood is oddly...content.  I feel like I can finally see some sort of silverlining out there.  Bout time too.

I've given up on the traditional God.  I believe in God, I love God, I believe God loves me and has a plan for me (much like everyone else).  But I am done confining God to a box called Religion.  So I'm faithful and spiritual and religionless.  If that makes sense.  I feel I have a better relationship with the Devine now that I've kind of hit that point.  It's...freeing.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do once I graduate.  Will I go back for more classes?  Will I get that full time job?

All I know is that whatever I do, I'm going to do it to the best of my ability.  I want to be the best Meaghan that I can be.  I don't need to be Elizabeth Zimmerman or T.S. Eliot or Sylvia Plath or Debbie Bliss.  I don't need to be my classmates, my professors, or anyone else.  I just need to be me.

Which is hard, because sometimes I really want to be elevated and great like my peers.  But we all have our own strengths and I'm realizing it's time I start playing to mine instead of forcing them to be like others.

So yeah.  I feel optimistic.  I'm even sitting up straighter, for whatever that's worth.  I'm reading books of poetry and meditations and techniques to free your creative juice from your inner critics.  I'm learning to design better things, and I'm knitting like never before. 

I'm even considering getting a shop on Etsy.  If I do, I'll post a link so you can see and maybe buy what I have up.

I hope that you, my dear readers, are hitting that point of quiet optimism.  It really is like breathing again.

~Meaghan

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

To Dream in Yarn

I've recently come to the realization that I really want to combine my two loves - writing and knitting - into one career.  My high aspiration is to publish my own knitting books with my designs in them and to one day write for Vogue Knitting.

That being said, I have a ways to go.

I think the key is to keep at it.  Keep designing on whims what I like and what I feel.  Keep knitting in as many colors and yarn types as I can.  And to write.  Oh yes.  Write.

Creation has become my oxygen.  I find more and more lately that if I'm not creating something at any given moment (be it an essay for school, a journal entry before bed, or a sweater while watching TV) then I feel empty.  I have no drive and feel like I have no purpose.

Maybe my purpose here on Earth right now is to create.  I think that must be what it means.  Right now, it's the thing I do that makes me feel alive.

I've started giving some thought to the kind of knitting books I would write.  I think the first one would be a book of hats.  Mens hats, womens hats, kids hats.  Some basic, some complex.  Something for everyone and every level, I think.  I've already started constructing patterns.  My favorite is my Heart Hat:


I created it last fall.  It would be a moderate pattern - a basic knowledge of colorwork is needed.

Then I think I would progress to mittens and gloves.  Then a book on scarves.  Then a book on sweaters.

That's what I want to do. 

The sky really is the limit. 

I'm not sure how I would get into writing or editing or designing for Vogue Knitting though.  I guess I just have to keep at it and start submitting things to various places, do my research and find where, try to get a job or internship, and did I mention keep at it?

Yeah.  It's going to be a bit of a long journey.

But I can't honestly think of a better one to take.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Curse You, Chipotle

Or maybe bless you.  I'm not sure which.  Here's the story:

 I saw this ad the other night during the Grammys.  I love the song, I love the animation, and really, it's a good ad.

But I was incredibly upset about the farmer.  My grandparents are farmers out in the midwest, and actually, most of my dad's family is filled with farmers.  I hated seeing the little farm get swallowed up by the meat packing plant. 

And I hated what happened to the pigs.  Now, I'm not a vegetarian by any means.  In fact, I had a burger for dinner last night.  But that made me want to stop eating meat all together.  Or at least switiching to free range food.

(None of this made me want to eat Chipotle, by the way.)

It made me think about life.  The more I think about how things work in modern day American, the more upset it makes me.  Why?  Why are small businesses swallowed whole by the machine?  Why are animals treated so inhumanely, and the people who work and live here even worse?  Why does corporation seem to own everything?

The more you work, the harder it is to get ahead.  If it's the American dream to be able to come and start your own business and to own your own life, then why is it so hard to get started?  You have to have a ton of money for down payments.  You have to be able to pay the rent, the utilities, and the supplies.  And chances are, unless you're just really fortunate, you're probably going to go under by the cheaper, mega stores.

It's not fair.  Is there anything we can do?

I think so.  Maybe change starts inside each of us.  I've decided I want to start changing my life so that I can go and influence the world.  I'm trying to cut back on meat.  When I go shopping on my own, I'm going to look for locally raised animals and products.  I try to support local endeavors, like the local yarn shops and eateries.

And I'm going to simplify.  Clean out the clutter, cut back on what I need.  I'm already working on becoming self sufficient; I can knit clothing.  Maybe this spring I'll set up a small herb garden on my window sill. 

The more I find my inner self and my inner peace, the more I can act upon it.  The less I can rely on corporations, the better off I'll be.  And slowly but surely, a difference will be made.

Maybe that's why people get so hung up on religion.  They are trying to find their inner peace so they can make a difference and find contentment.  I think I understand now.  Or maybe I don't.  

The more I go through life, the more I realize that I really don't know squat about anything.  I can try to figure it out, but other than that, I don't think there truly are answers.

But maybe that's a blog for another time.

What do you think, dear readers?

~Meaghan

Monday, February 13, 2012

Why We Chose to Not Celebrate Valentine's Day

My boyfriend and I, on the last night we saw each other last month before he went back to school, decided a very important thing: we will not be celebrating Valentine's Day.

It's not that it's a bad idea.  I think it could be nice, actually.  The whole story of St. Valentine who married lovers in secret and then was murdered for it is not bad.

It's the commercialism.  Why do we need a day to make singles feel like shit?  Why do we need a day to guilt guys and girls into buying useless junk for each other or run the risk of feeling guilty?  And for the love of everything sane, why must it be covered in pink???

We, my Trevor and I, decided that really, we don't.  We love each other year round.  We've been together almost a year.  We're going to be together at least another year, then another, and another, and so forth, God willing.  Why on earth should we stress ourselves out with this?

I thought I would be upset.  I really did.

But the fact is, I'm relieved.  I don't have to worry about buying a disgustingly pink card for him, or chocolates or boxers or getting a little black dress or any of that.  And he doesn't have to do that for me, either.  It's nice.

We're going to keep doing what we do.  Text every night.  Skype once or twice a week.  Call once in a while.  And when we see each other, go out to dinner and catch up face to face in quiet time.

Because really.  Those are the things that matter.  Not cupid.

(Although I did buy a chocolate dipped strawberry from the local grocery store for myself.  It was delicious.)

Have a good day tomorrow dear readers, and remember - it doesn't matter what the industry says.  What matters is what you make of it.

~Meaghan

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Keeping Busy

I miss my boyfriend.

Yes, I know the distance is not that great.  Yes, I know that others have to endure worse.  Yes, I know that being codependent is bad and that I should keep going on with my life.

But dammit.  I miss him.

I've been doing everything I can to keep busy -  going out with friends, doing my homework, spending time with my family, knitting like my hands are going to fall off.  (I just have to do the collar of my sweater, and then it's done.)

It's not the same though.  I miss seeing him, being with him, talking with him in person.  I don't know what this says about me.  But it doesn't matter.

To top it off, I caught my sister's cold.  Everything hurts like hell today.  And I still have to go to class.

Plus I have side effects from my meds again, so my body is trying to readjust.  Not fun.

I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and cry until I fall asleep.

That has been my whine post.  I'm going to buy some bright colored yarn this week and knit myself out of this crappy place. 

The next update will be more optimistic, I promise.

~Meaghan

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Brief Update

I can't even remember what my last blog was about.  Probably a brief update as well.  Huh.

February is here, and I am relieved.  (And sore in strange places.  But I can't discuss that on this blog - after all, my father reads this and there are things he doesn't need to know.)

Class is alright.  I am ready to be done.  But it's okay.  I'm powering through.

Distance is hard for a relationship, but my boyfriend and I are doing well.  He came down last night and took me to a nice Italian dinner; it was lovely just to spend time with him, talking and hanging and...well.  It was nice.  He's coming into his own and I am so proud of him for that.

He's booking the hotel today or tomorrow for when I come visit in March.  It's going to be a blast!  Celestial Seasonings, a yarn shop, the Pearl Street mall, movies and swimming and just being together.  I can't wait.

I've been giving myself little motivative treats along the way.  Like the sweater I'm working on.  And getting my hair and nails done at the end of this month.  Little things to make it go faster and easier and better.

I think that's everything in my world.  I hope you guys are all doing well, dear readers. :)  I am sorry about how spurratic the updates are.  I'll try to get better about that, but no guarentees.

Until we meet again,
Meaghan

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Tobin

Tobin the Barn Owl

My sweet,  sweet barn owl baby died.  He was my favorite bird at the sanctuary when I was volunteering there; he always made me smile.  I got to hold him before I moved to Colorado.  I will miss him like no other. 

~Meaghan

Sunday, January 22, 2012

They're Finished!!

I finished my socks.  My 100% merino wool handpainted by a local family in Canada hand wash only socks are done.  I am so happy.

I'm wearing them now. 

I think it's safe to say they are the most expensive pair of socks I have ever or will ever own.

Pics to come down the road.

~Meaghan

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Shades of Gray

I'm back in the throws of school.  It's a good semester, but a busy one.  I mean, I'm at school almost every day of the week right now.  How did that happen?

I have come to the conclusion that Facebook is a terrible place for political poking.  I post  things with the idea of starting conversation on both sides; what happens instead is everyone gets so worked up over what they believe and over the topic that it becomes a posting war of sorts.  It's like grown people have forgotten how to debate and articulate their ideas.  You know, don't attack the people, attack the issues; listen to both sides and put out facts to back your claims.

I'm rather disappointed, actually.

A friend of mine brought up a good point, which is that if you don't read or research the opposition of your view point, you become an extremist.  While the right side of issues typically has the reputation of being extremists, it also goes for the left.  I realize there have been times where I've probably come across as a liberal extremist, and I apologize if that is the case cause that has never been my goal.

Rather, I write and post and read to start conversation.  I think it's important that both parties and sides be able to have rational discussion about hot topics.  If we don't, then we'll never find middle ground.  I don't want the left side to be so sure they're right that they shoot down the right; I don't want the right to be so convinced that theirs is the only way that they refuse to look at the left.

It's like science.  I was raised Christian.  Growing up, I went to church and was taught all about God and Jesus and the Bible.  But I was also encouraged to learn both about Creationsim and Darwinism through being homeschooled.  The reason for this was so that I could formulate my own opinion - not the church opinion, not my parents' opinion, but my own opinion and beliefs.


I want that for the world.  I want us to not be so comfortable in our own little bubbles that we forget there is more out there.  I personally try to read everything that comes my way - world religions, fundamentalist things, liberal things.  Heck, I've even read part of Hitler's book just so I could see what made him the way he was.  Knowledge is not the enemy. 

When you write a paper for college, you have a thesis.  But in a really strong paper, you also have an anti thesis to show that you understand the flaws in your argument and that you understand the opposing view.  Life is a lot like that.  You can't back your own things unless you know what the other side thinks too.

It's okay to be passionate about things.  I know I am.  But it's also important to respect the opinions of those who differ from you, even if you don't agree with them.  When I post things, I read all the feedback.  I try to see where everyone is coming from.

Because isn't that what makes this country great?  That you can have opinions and that you can voice them, but that you can also learn about everyone and everything else?

Just a thought.

~Meaghan

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I Just Want to Skype

That's all I want to do - Skype my boyfriend.

I'm at the church.  We don't have internet at home and we were going to be here anyway, so it seemed ideal.

Except there are a million things going on.  When I asked for an empty room, I was told to check the bulletin board and then go accordingly.  My sister and I checked and found one not in use.  We had just gotten settled when we were kicked out - apparently there is a group that meets there every week that isn't on the schedule.

So now I'm in the youth room in the basement.  The internet down here is no bars.  Stuff works, but slowly.  I just need to see my boyfriend - is that really too hard to ask for? 

Please, please, don't let the internet fail while down here.  Maybe next week I'll reserve a room at the library.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Update Time Again

Sorry for the slow update, guys.  I've had the flu for the past week.  The worst of it's passed it's course, but I pushed myself too hard yesterday and am paying for it today.  So that's where I've been for most of the week - at home, on the couch.

My yarn made it to me.  It's beautiful.  The sweater is going to be so nice when I get it done.  Totally worth it.

School starts next week.  I think I'm ready for it.  One of my classes got cancelled, so my load is a bit lighter.  It's going to be a busy but good semester.  Then I get to create a resume and get a full time, real world job.  Which terrifies and thrills me, so we aren't going to think about it right now.

My boyfriend is settled in his new college town.  I'm going to go see him either at the end of next month or the middle of March.  He's in Boulder, so there's a lot of cool stuff to do and see up there - Celestial Seasonings, the Pearl Street Mall, etc.  I'm excited.  He seems to like it up there.  He's optimistic and happy for the first time in a long time, which makes me happy.  Our relationship is as strong as ever.

Can you believe we've been dating for over 8 months now?  That seems like such a long time, yet it feels so short.  It's like I've known him my whole life. :)

I ordered his birthday gift today.  I got him (and no telling him, okay?) a boxed set of Anne Rice books.  He loves Interview with the Vampire, so I got him a collection of the first four books - Interview, the Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, and something about a corpse.  I'm so excited. =D

Life is pretty good, other than being sick.  As soon as this nasty thing passes, I should be back up and running like normal.  Which I want more than anything.  I really do.

I started a pair of cabled socks (I'm adapting the pattern myself) and a pull down shirt for my sister. This is my year to knit and write and grab life by the horns.  It's too short to not do what makes you happy.

And on that note, I'm off.  I hope you are having a great weekend, dear readers. :)

~Meaghan

Monday, January 9, 2012

Hanging Out

Oh look.  An update.  Who'da thunk that one?

I'm actually at my friend Dorothy's house.  She and her husband are awesome.  You want to talk to someone who knows not only a lot about life but who's also great at helping people?  Talk to Dorothy.  She helped me and Trevor through the previous spring semester and helped me tons through the last semester.

Trevor and I are hanging out, playing games and visiting.  It's nice.  Especially since I didn't think I was going to get to see Trev again before he leaves for Boulder.

I really don't have anything else to say.  My yarn got shipped. That's about it.

I hope everyone is hanging out alright.  I'll blog again when I have internet or when I have something to say.  Whichever comes first.

~Meaghan

Thursday, January 5, 2012

All Things Considered....

I'm doing pretty well at keeping this blog somewhat updated.  Even without the convience of internet in our home.  And without really having anything important to say.

It's like cutting my bangs.  Geez.  I finally did that this morning.  I washed my hair and combed my bangs forward (where they should be) instead of to the side.  And I realized they hit the tip of my nose.  Awesomeness.

Several minutes later of chopping frenzy that only hair stylists and five year olds tend to have, and voila.  My bangs now sit where they should be - just below my eyebrows.

Why is blogging like cutting my bangs? 

Well....I'm actually still working on it.  I really just wanted to talk about cutting my own hair and not butchering it.

Oh!  Wait!  I know!

If I don't try to at least keep up with this blog, much like my bangs, then I end up with so much to write about that I can't do it in a post and life becomes skimmed over.  There.  That's my analogy.

My brain hurts.

Today is my mom's birthday.  It's pretty exciting. :)  She's a capricorn and totally fits it, too - good with numbers,  very logical, needs schedules, etc.  I love her.  I would be nothing without my parents, especially my mom. So happy birthday to her.

Gah, school starts in two weeks.  My boyfriend leaves for his school (in a different city) on Wed.  Life is changing.  I'm terrified.  But I will face it head on.  I will.

Alright.  I'm off.  Wish me luck facing life, and I'll be doing the same for you, dear readers.

~Meaghan