Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Rethinking Things

So much has happened the past few weeks.  I'm honestly not sure where to begin.  Some of it's not mine to tell.

What I've learned is that when it comes to things and people I care about, I'm stronger than I ever thought possible.

But I have so much on my mind.  Thoughts about God, about pro life and pro choice, about life in general.

I practice a mixture of whatever comes my way.  I believe in God, or Goddess, whichever.  I think they're one and the same.  I know that energy is real; I've felt it in my hands.  I know prayer is powerful; that's why I pray every day, nearly all day at times.  I read my Bible, I carry Goddess cards, and I light candles when I pray or need to calm down.  I know color has an effect, as does smell, and I try to knit with colors that call to me.  (Pink, anyone?)

I have always said I refuse to see the world as black and white.  And I think now, I have just been introduced to yet another shade of gray.  What if I'm wrong?  What if...what if there is a hell, and what if there is heaven?

I could write what I'm feeling (confusion, emptiness, overwhelming everything) off as being stressed because of school and life.  But I don't think that's the case.  I think God is trying to reach me.  Frankly, I'm incredibly resistant right now.

Why?  Well, I know a lot of people who are Christians who really just annoy me.  One of them has told me God is disappointed that I am intimate with my boyfriend and that the fact we're talking about living together before marriage is wrong.  I've also been told that I'm probably going to hell (in nicer terms, mind you) because I don't unquestioningly follow Jesus.

I've always had questions, I've always had thirst.  That's why I read whatever I can get my hands on about everything.  I've explored other religions and myths and stories and faiths and whatever else.  It's not like I don't believe in a higher power.  I don't believe in chance and I don't believe things just happen.  I don't believe we're alone on the Earth. 

But it's so hard.  My dad says I'm making it harder on myself and that I should really just relax and accept Grace.  Maybe he's right.  But I'm incredibly stubborn.

So maybe God's trying to reach me.  And maybe I'm being resentful and denying it.  And maybe I should stop.

My head is spinning right now.

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