Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I don't fear death

I wonder if that makes me morbid. Well, duh, Meaghan. Of course you're morbid. But seriously, is that a bad thing? If I can write in shades of death, and dream in the whispers of death, and yet still stand before you breathing and very much alive, is that a bad thing? I think not.

I had this dream once that I died. I was watching myself from above as I slit my wrist and bled out onto my bed. As odd as it sounds, it was a very peaceful dream and when I woke up, I was actually well rested for once in my life instead of stressed and tired like normal. I haven't dreamed anything of the sort about me since.

Characters are another story. I write about them dying all the time and sometimes I dream their deaths. It is soothing, in a way, to have that flow from me. It keeps my feelings from becoming too much, from threatening to crush me. When I dream or write of death, it releases it from me so that I am able to function.

Sometimes, when I tell people that, they get worried. They are afraid that I am going to surround myself with death so much that it is going to make me kill myself, that I will consume myself by my own hand. I can understand where they are coming from, as I have walked a turbulent road, but rest assured - death will not take me, not yet.

But I do have to admit that since this is something I do think and write about so frequently that I seem to have developed nerves against death. Yes, I still fear things such as elevators and heights and haunted houses, but death itself? No.

Perhaps I am tempting fate by saying that. Perhaps I sound arrogant or full of myself. Again, that is not the case. I am mortal, I am human, and I will one day die. As will everyone else. Don't let them kid you. There is no immortality. We romanticise the notion of endless youth, beauty, and life, but in reality there is no such thing.

Which leaves us with the fact that even the most cocky and crazy of us all will die. What do we do with this knowledge? Do we shut it in a corner of our lives and choose to ignore it? Or do we embrace it and live with it, and try to do something incredible with our lives while we have them?

I, people of cyberland, choose to embrace the concept of death and live with it. I choose to not let it hinder me or define me, but to remind me that time is fleeting and things should not be left until it's too late.

Until next time.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

It's official - I have writer's block

And it really sucks. I mean, I sit down with the beautiful blank paper in front of me, the mechanical pencil in hand, and *poof!* all my concepts go out the window, all my characters leave town. What am I supposed to do?

I mean, I think my story lines all the time - how things are going to go, how the characters live, what I want the reader to feel. But when I go to write, things get so jumbled that the words don't want to form on the page.

I know I've been sick for a while - that probably plays a part in it. I have tried almost anything though, seriously. Listening to music while lettting my mind wander, snacking, not snacking, going outside, staying inside. I've even tried writing in different locations. And it's just not doing it for me.

So what am I going to do? I think I'm going to make a point to write something everyday. It may not be the best quality and I'm going to have to get over the fact that it's sloppy. But maybe that will help my writer's block.

And if I fix the writer's block, I'll be back to updating regularly.

Until next time.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Defining moments

Sometimes, when you write, a character has a defining moment. It's a point in their story that you never really realized would happen the way that it does, and in the end, it changes the character in some way, either for better or for worse.

A lot of the time, I have a general idea about how a character's story is going to go. Yet, even with that in mind as I write, things do happen. When that happens, the general story plot stays the same, but the character changes and so the responses they would have had are now different. Sometimes that changes the outcome of the story or the way the outcome is reached.

So my question is this: If this happens to characters in my head or on the paper, is it possible for it to happen in real life?

The truth is that, yes, it does happen in real life. We all have defining moments in our life, some that we are aware of quite vividly while some we don't even realize, and they change our course. They shape who we are as individuals and help us grow, in one way or another.

Sometimes we are not aware of what is going on around us - we are either too involved with the situation to see it, or we are oblivious - and the moment passes us by quietly, leaving only the aftermath. At other times, though, we are intimatly aware of what is going on and of how it is affecting us.

My question to you, cyberland readers, is how do you treat your defining moments? Do you realize them or do you ignore them? Do you take the opportunities as they arise or do are you so blind to them that you let them go without even realizing it until it's too late?

Think about it, and keep an eye out for your defining moments.

Until next time.

I feel like Dorothy...

I'm going to Kansas for college and I am so excited! Which is a far cry from a few weeks ago when I was just scared and stressed. Now I can see, though, what this could mean and I am looking forward to it!

I must admit that I feel a little like Dorothy. I'm going to Kansas, and I think it's going to be a way like going to OZ. You know, somthing different and exciting, like an adventure. That's how I looked at moving a few years ago - that's how I'm looking at this.

I can honestly say that I am ready to go. I am ready to explore a new place, meet new people, and try new things. It's going to change me, but not in a bad way. Rather, it will help me grow into the person I am supposed to become, help me define "me". I'm going to have ties here, of course, but I'm excited by the possibility of making new ones.

My sister is so sad that I am leaving, though, even though it's not for another year. She cries every time it comes up. That makes it harder; it really does. I think everyone else, though, won't miss me too badly. At least, I hope they don't - but if they do, they can always call, visit, or email me.

And that is the long awaited update, cyberland. I've been tired lately and really busy, but I'll try to update more later.

Follow the yellow brick road....

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sometimes I think God is toying with me...

So, I discovered a few weeks ago that I am seriously losing my hair. At first, I ignored it. I mean, it's perfectly normal to have some hair come out in the shower and when you brush it, right? But then I realized that my hair is now half as thick as it was not even a month ago. Normally I have such thick hair that I have to use a giant scrunchie to hold it up. Now, I can put it up into a secure ponytail with just a mini hair band.

And that scares me, because as far as I know, I'm a healthy teenage girl.

So I went to the doctor, who almost immediately ruled out hair dye (I dye my hair a lot, but have never had this problem before) and stress. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her tired but fine other than that, and she asked about the normal stuff - school, life, whatever. And then she said, I think we need to run blood tests.

She told me she's checking my thyroid and "a few other things that I just think would be for the best" and had me give my blood right there in the office. Two big bottles, two medium bottles, and a slightly bruised prick on my arm later, I was able to leave.

I won't know anything until next week. My hair is still coming out. And now it's to a point where a lot of people can tell that it's thinning and going.

I'm too young to have this happen. I hope it's just my thyroid. I hope it's something small like that and treatable. Cause if it's anything worse, I don't know what I will do.

And then I made the decision to tell two of my friends via messenging. The first, out in California, was really supportive and helped me put things into perspective. The second, the guy I trusted a lot, got off as soon as I told him, leaving me with a conversation left on hold.

And so I'm wondering - does God just not like me anymore? Was I too vain, is that why I'm losing my hair? Was I too selfish, and that's why this is happening and the guy I like has been scared off? I'll admit, I was really happy last month, happier than I've been in a long time, and the pieces were all falling into place beautifully. Did I get too comfortable?

I don't know, to be honest. I don't know anything. All I know is that I haven't had rapid weight loss - thank God for that, even though I would like to lose a few more pounds. And my hair isn't really clumping, it's just coming out in multiple constant strands, which form piles when I brush, finger comb, or wash it.

So there has to be a bright side. Maybe this is just a test I have to survive, to show me I can be strong.

And the good news is that whatever is causing this is treatable in some way or another. My hair may not come back (I cry when I think about that, but it's just vainity), but at least the problem will be treated.

Breathe, relax, breathe some more.

Until next time, cyberland.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

What's your secret? Everyone has at least one...

There is a website called post secret ( ) where anyone can send in their deepest secrets anonamously on homemade postcards. The cards are each as unique as the secrets on them - some of the secrets are sad, some are lonely, and some are just downright funny.

The man who created the site, Frank Warren, believes that it is human to have things we can't tell outloud and that by sending in secrets on postcards, we are able to realize that we aren't as alone as once believed. Secrets, he says, are put into little boxes inside us - it is our choice as to whether or not we let them out of the box. And so the post secret community was born.

I love the post secret site. Not only do I enjoy reading the secrets on there, but Frank also does a lot of charity work and promotes things such as the suicide hotline.

And it makes me think. It makes me feel - some of the secrets on the site feel as though they could be my very own. It makes me feel like I am not alone, like I am not the only one on the edge of the world or in the midst of battle. And I like not feeling alone.

So what are your secrets, the ones that make you human?

I'll tell you one of mine, but you have to promise not to tell:

When the kids at work cry, it takes all in my power for me to not cry with them. I wish I could hug them and tell them everything will be okay, and to never grow up...

Does this make me human? I don't know. I like to think it does.

Time to start opening crates, cyberland.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Creative writing (you have been warned)

Okay, everyone in cyberland, today's update is some more of my creative writing. A lot of the time, I write short "blurbs" - they generally focus on a character in some situation and involve pretty much no plot. I don't really get to know the character or why they are in whatever situation they are in, as they have a tendency to only last a paragraph or two. I mean, a lot of the time I don't even know their name.

This kind of writing is interesting as it gives me something to come back to later (days, months, sometimes even years) and some sort of character to develope when I am bored. That being said, sometimes the situation the characte shows up in is not always pretty or ends well. I'm a bit morbid as an individual anyway, but this sore of thing is not really in my control. I can't help it if a character is depressed or whatnot - they all have personalities of their own.

You have been warned. If you don't like it, don't read it.

She thought the city was beautiful. The way the lights danced on the highway, the way the people bustled and hurried, trying to get home before the slowly sinking sun revealed the silvery moon and lonesome stars. She thought the way the buildings created a silhouetted skyline to be magical, how they stood in relief to everything else around her. Yes, this city was beautiful - but not enough to save her.

Standing on the rooftop, lofted above the busy highway and drifting leaves, she saw everything and everyone clearly. She saw the skyline and the cars; she saw the people below and how they did not see her. Glancing up, she saw the vast unknowns of the dusky sky, the mysteries of the stars and planets and life reflected in her large eyes. A chill air blew, and she shivered. It was time.

Looking back at the dark horizon, a calm filled her, a peace she had never known before in her lifetime. With a smile, she took a breath. And then she flew.

And the city kept bustling and hurrying, and the stars kept shinning, and the skyline kept dancing in the dark, and the highway traffic never stopped as the city consumed another of it's young.

Like I said, rather dark stuff, but when a nameless character shows up, you have to write their story, even if it is only a small bit of the whole.

And don't worry, good people of cyberland. I am confused and I get stressed, but I also have people who need me here. I'm not going anywhere.

Until next time, happy reading.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Why is already October and where has my year gone?!?!

I realized today that 'Oh my God, it's October 2!' Now, that may not seem like a big deal to any of you (October? So what?), but to me, it almost means the end of the world. At least, the end of the world as I know it.

See, October means that not only is fall here (I am greatful for that, fall is my favorite season ever), but everything is going to be going into hyperdrive from here on out. I've known for a while that things are going to be changing, but I've tried to ignore it.

I can't anymore.

Tuesday I have a phone appointment with my college counsoler. I am going to have to pre-enroll for classes and financial aid and all sorts of random things. Which also means that I am going to have to actually tell people that I got accepted into my school of choice. Why, you might ask me, have I not told anyone?

The truth is that I've told only one of my friends. And the reason I told him is because not only is he one of my best friends, but things between us have been slowly changing and I want to give him the choice as to whether or not he wants to actually get involved or not. Kansas is a ways out and I wanted him to know that I will be leaving in the fall. The letter made it all the more real.

But then there are other issues at hand as well. I still do not have a driver's lisence (don't you dare laugh at that - I hate driving with a passion.) but I have to get it within the next month because my mom is having her cateracts messed with and will be unable to drive. That scares me. The fact that she could go blind, the fact that we may or may not be able to afford the surgery, the fact that I am going to be leaving when she probably will need me the most, even though she would never say that.

Again, I was trying to push it off and out of my mind for as long as possible.

And finally there is the retaking of the ACT test. Yes, I have been accepted to college. Yes, my grades were okay last year. No, I do not qualify for renewable scholarships with my current ACT scores. My family is going to have enough trouble paying for school as it is, but if I can get my ACT scores up, I can help. I'm already trying to help by paying for my college expenses, but the scholarships would be amazing. I think a 30 is a little too ambitious - I won't even try to set my sights up there. But maybe I can get a 25 or 26. That would be helpful.

For some reason, I stopped studying for the test a while ago. It went along with trying to push it off, or the fact that I was trying to deny what was going to happen.

But the thing I do remember above all is that I am a strong individual. I tear myself down a lot (I have days where I try not to look in the mirror for long periods of time or where I hate to go into public, but don't we all?) but ultimately I know I am strong, and I am beautiful, and I am - me. It sounds so corny, but it is so true.

Why else would I be here, if I couldn't handle it?

And that, good people of cyberland, is your new post for the day.