Thursday, October 2, 2008

Why is already October and where has my year gone?!?!

I realized today that 'Oh my God, it's October 2!' Now, that may not seem like a big deal to any of you (October? So what?), but to me, it almost means the end of the world. At least, the end of the world as I know it.

See, October means that not only is fall here (I am greatful for that, fall is my favorite season ever), but everything is going to be going into hyperdrive from here on out. I've known for a while that things are going to be changing, but I've tried to ignore it.

I can't anymore.

Tuesday I have a phone appointment with my college counsoler. I am going to have to pre-enroll for classes and financial aid and all sorts of random things. Which also means that I am going to have to actually tell people that I got accepted into my school of choice. Why, you might ask me, have I not told anyone?

The truth is that I've told only one of my friends. And the reason I told him is because not only is he one of my best friends, but things between us have been slowly changing and I want to give him the choice as to whether or not he wants to actually get involved or not. Kansas is a ways out and I wanted him to know that I will be leaving in the fall. The letter made it all the more real.

But then there are other issues at hand as well. I still do not have a driver's lisence (don't you dare laugh at that - I hate driving with a passion.) but I have to get it within the next month because my mom is having her cateracts messed with and will be unable to drive. That scares me. The fact that she could go blind, the fact that we may or may not be able to afford the surgery, the fact that I am going to be leaving when she probably will need me the most, even though she would never say that.

Again, I was trying to push it off and out of my mind for as long as possible.

And finally there is the retaking of the ACT test. Yes, I have been accepted to college. Yes, my grades were okay last year. No, I do not qualify for renewable scholarships with my current ACT scores. My family is going to have enough trouble paying for school as it is, but if I can get my ACT scores up, I can help. I'm already trying to help by paying for my college expenses, but the scholarships would be amazing. I think a 30 is a little too ambitious - I won't even try to set my sights up there. But maybe I can get a 25 or 26. That would be helpful.

For some reason, I stopped studying for the test a while ago. It went along with trying to push it off, or the fact that I was trying to deny what was going to happen.

But the thing I do remember above all is that I am a strong individual. I tear myself down a lot (I have days where I try not to look in the mirror for long periods of time or where I hate to go into public, but don't we all?) but ultimately I know I am strong, and I am beautiful, and I am - me. It sounds so corny, but it is so true.

Why else would I be here, if I couldn't handle it?

And that, good people of cyberland, is your new post for the day.

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