Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I don't fear death

I wonder if that makes me morbid. Well, duh, Meaghan. Of course you're morbid. But seriously, is that a bad thing? If I can write in shades of death, and dream in the whispers of death, and yet still stand before you breathing and very much alive, is that a bad thing? I think not.

I had this dream once that I died. I was watching myself from above as I slit my wrist and bled out onto my bed. As odd as it sounds, it was a very peaceful dream and when I woke up, I was actually well rested for once in my life instead of stressed and tired like normal. I haven't dreamed anything of the sort about me since.

Characters are another story. I write about them dying all the time and sometimes I dream their deaths. It is soothing, in a way, to have that flow from me. It keeps my feelings from becoming too much, from threatening to crush me. When I dream or write of death, it releases it from me so that I am able to function.

Sometimes, when I tell people that, they get worried. They are afraid that I am going to surround myself with death so much that it is going to make me kill myself, that I will consume myself by my own hand. I can understand where they are coming from, as I have walked a turbulent road, but rest assured - death will not take me, not yet.

But I do have to admit that since this is something I do think and write about so frequently that I seem to have developed nerves against death. Yes, I still fear things such as elevators and heights and haunted houses, but death itself? No.

Perhaps I am tempting fate by saying that. Perhaps I sound arrogant or full of myself. Again, that is not the case. I am mortal, I am human, and I will one day die. As will everyone else. Don't let them kid you. There is no immortality. We romanticise the notion of endless youth, beauty, and life, but in reality there is no such thing.

Which leaves us with the fact that even the most cocky and crazy of us all will die. What do we do with this knowledge? Do we shut it in a corner of our lives and choose to ignore it? Or do we embrace it and live with it, and try to do something incredible with our lives while we have them?

I, people of cyberland, choose to embrace the concept of death and live with it. I choose to not let it hinder me or define me, but to remind me that time is fleeting and things should not be left until it's too late.

Until next time.

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