Thursday, October 9, 2008

Sometimes I think God is toying with me...

So, I discovered a few weeks ago that I am seriously losing my hair. At first, I ignored it. I mean, it's perfectly normal to have some hair come out in the shower and when you brush it, right? But then I realized that my hair is now half as thick as it was not even a month ago. Normally I have such thick hair that I have to use a giant scrunchie to hold it up. Now, I can put it up into a secure ponytail with just a mini hair band.

And that scares me, because as far as I know, I'm a healthy teenage girl.

So I went to the doctor, who almost immediately ruled out hair dye (I dye my hair a lot, but have never had this problem before) and stress. She asked me how I was feeling and I told her tired but fine other than that, and she asked about the normal stuff - school, life, whatever. And then she said, I think we need to run blood tests.

She told me she's checking my thyroid and "a few other things that I just think would be for the best" and had me give my blood right there in the office. Two big bottles, two medium bottles, and a slightly bruised prick on my arm later, I was able to leave.

I won't know anything until next week. My hair is still coming out. And now it's to a point where a lot of people can tell that it's thinning and going.

I'm too young to have this happen. I hope it's just my thyroid. I hope it's something small like that and treatable. Cause if it's anything worse, I don't know what I will do.

And then I made the decision to tell two of my friends via messenging. The first, out in California, was really supportive and helped me put things into perspective. The second, the guy I trusted a lot, got off as soon as I told him, leaving me with a conversation left on hold.

And so I'm wondering - does God just not like me anymore? Was I too vain, is that why I'm losing my hair? Was I too selfish, and that's why this is happening and the guy I like has been scared off? I'll admit, I was really happy last month, happier than I've been in a long time, and the pieces were all falling into place beautifully. Did I get too comfortable?

I don't know, to be honest. I don't know anything. All I know is that I haven't had rapid weight loss - thank God for that, even though I would like to lose a few more pounds. And my hair isn't really clumping, it's just coming out in multiple constant strands, which form piles when I brush, finger comb, or wash it.

So there has to be a bright side. Maybe this is just a test I have to survive, to show me I can be strong.

And the good news is that whatever is causing this is treatable in some way or another. My hair may not come back (I cry when I think about that, but it's just vainity), but at least the problem will be treated.

Breathe, relax, breathe some more.

Until next time, cyberland.

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