Saturday, December 20, 2008

And every breath takes us closer...

Has anyone else thought about it? The irony of breathing - it's like you take in death even as you take in life. Everytime you breathe, you get closer and closer to the end. Our breaths, like our days and hours and minutes and seconds and moments, are all limited; they will not go on forever.

So why am I thinking this now? I'm not actually sure, to be totally honest. This sort of thinking really freaks the people around me out, as they are all afraid I am going to start retracing my steps and falling back into my old habits. I can assure you that while I have had a little bit of trouble getting out of my head this week, ultimately I am not going to do anything. I feel I must say that or else I'm going to get a dozen and one comments on my Facebook page as well as my blogger page about it. Relax, everyone - I am a big girl, I can handle stuff.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how everything is fleeting and time is short and it brings around a ton of questions. Is there really something after this life or is this all we have? Are the ripples I'm leaving throughout my lifetime worth anything or are they causing more grief than help? And why is life so confusing? I mean, I'm only 18 but I still seriously can't stop thinking about the course I'm on and wondering if it's right.

I'm pretty sure I believe in God. I mean, I was raised in the church and I am very active in the music programs there, but sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I think it's almost too good to be true, that it's like a fairytale. I do like the concept of having someone or something that's always there and that can take us for who we are unconditionally, but everything in this day and age has a price tag on it. I think that's part of what is hard for me to accept about grace and whatnot - the concept of something for nothing.

Or maybe I'm just seriously too much of a take charge person. The other day my mom told be to stop trying to control everything and to actually act my age for once instead of as a mom. It's the same basic thing she's been telling me off and on since I was tweleve. It's just so hard for me to let go and not be the responsible one. I remember in sixth grade one of my best friends telling me that when we all got old enough to party, I was going to be the designated driver. Of course I moved a few years later so it has yet to come about, but come on. The thing about God is that you have to let go to let Him (or Her, cause it could be either) help. I just can't let go.

So I think that this holiday season, I'm going to be doing a lot of searching, both personal and spiritual. I'm going to college next fall, so I guess that means I should probably be really secure in myself (I put on a good front, but don't let it fool you - there is a reason I do some of the things I do); this is a good time to do it.

Breathe in. Hold....10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...breath out. One breath closer. One breath farther.

But to what?

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