Sunday, November 9, 2008

....lack of motivation....

I really don't feel like writing here, if I am being totally honest with myself. I love the expression, but the feeling of having very few to none people read this is kind of depressing. I know that's no reason to update, but then there is the fact that I have been feeling a bit low lately....

I have frequent bouts of depression. I'm not on any medications for it as I have developed the mind over matter cure, but they still drive me nuts. It becomes hard to write about anything, it's hard to look in the mirror, and it's hard to get out of bed. My sleep paterens are whacked up right now (I'm sleeping a lot at odd increments - I fall asleep on the couch and then sleep the whole night) and I've been really moody. You can blame it on PMS if you want, as that is probably accurate.

I think I just feel overwhelmed and it's affecting me. As is the weather. I love the fall and winter, but it kills me. Watching everything die outside makes me think about death and ruts and everything else - don't worry. I sound depressed and I feel it, but it will pass and I am fairly strong. I have people who need me, so I won't be going anywhere soon.

I start college next year (I've been accepted) and am working two part time jobs to help pay for it and my needs. I need a new computer and I need to pay for my expenses and I would like a bigger iPod (it's a want, not a need - my iPod is a 2 gig and I rotate songs on it because I have so many). The last thing isn't a concern, but the other two are. Plus Christmas time is coming up and despite trying not to get involved in everything, I am easily guilted and talked into things, so I am afraid I have bitten off more than I can chew....

So I'm walking away from the one almost relationship that I had going (we never really dated anyway, so it's okay - we will still be friends, but I have no time to worry about it now) and I'm trying not to dwell on the future. I just want to survive the next few months. If I can do that, then the rest will fall into place, I hope.

And that is the long explanation for why I am unmotivated. When I find the motivation, I will write again.

Until then, remember to always brush your teeth and eat your veggies.

4 comments:

mark said...

I think we should look at how to make what you write more available and tagged better so others can find it more easily (sp)

mark said...

This interesting, hang in there.

mark said...

Writing is good in and by itself. Having others read it is the gravy.

mark said...

Might try asking a few questions to engage the reader