Flash

My neighbor put her dog, Flash, down this morning.

I knew it was coming.   I knew it was for the best.  And really, I am glad that she didn't die while I was watching her.

But I'm still sad.

Flash was king of like my surrogate dog.  I never had a dog of my own, so once or twice a month, she was mine.  Sometimes I hated getting up early to take care of her.  Sometimes I didn't like standing in the rain or snow, waiting on her to go to do her business.

But she was partially mine.

Flash needed me when Sharon wasn't home.  She always greeted me with tail wagging and the occasional lick.  She loved her treats, and loved being petted.  And when I called her a crazy dog, she would just wag her tail as if she knew. 

She was a good dog.

And now she's gone.  Gone in body, but in a better place.  And never forgotten.

Never.

~Meaghan

Dog Sitting Champion.

I feel like I deserve a medal, actually. 

And no, I'm not being egocentric or big headed by any means.  I mearly speak the truth here.  Allow me to explain...

I'm dog sitting this week, starting today.  The weather?  Not sunny, not hot.  Well, hot.  And humid.  Oh, and did I mention the rain?  The rain that comes and goes in heavy spurts and that has flooded the apartment complex??

I normally love rain.  Do not get me wrong.

But I just spent 10 minutes out in it, holding an umbrella over the dog while she did her business.  She still got soaked, I got soaked, but hey.  We did it.  And then I tried to dry her off inside and she decided a better way would be to shake.

All over me.

Like I said, I deserve a medal.  One that says "Meaghan-is-awesome-and-should-always-be-recognized-as-such" or something along those lines.

Thank you for your time.

~Meaghan

It's a Monday!

Which means that the new week has begun.  And that a busy day is around the corner.

Today started off with me walking my neighbor's dog around our apartment complex.  I, being the tired and somewhat lazy individual that I am, didn't even bother getting dressed.  So there I was, in purple polka dot pajamas, walking the dog.  It was epic.

Next up will be bowling.  Our league is almost over.  Thank goodness.  I am so burned out with it.  I really want to move on to other things.  Like the roller skating.  (Which I'm still fairly bad at, but that's ok.)

Then my speech group is getting together to practice.  I'm really looking forward to it.  I still don't have my part memorized, but we're getting there.  I think I can have my notes for security reasons, right?  I mean, that's how I've given all my other speeches.  And, as I've said a million times before, this group is so much fun to work with.  It's going to be a great afternoon.

Somewhere in there I need to eat breakfast, eat lunch, and take care of Flash.  I would say do some homework, too, but I'm not convinced I'm going to have time for that.

Off I go to get this day rolling.

~Meaghan

Guess What?

I slept the whole night last night.  No waking up at two and three in the morning, no feelings of anxiety or panic, no horrible nightmares.  I slept the whole night and woke up on my own about twenty minutes before my alarm went off.

I feel great.

This is it.  I am finally getting my life under control again.  I feel like I can take on the world.  It's a very satisfying feeling.
Dog sitting this weekend is exciting.  I swear, that dog is crazy.  This morning she kept wanting to go outside.  So we'd go outside and all she would do was eat the rabbit crap.  So then we'd go back inside.  Repeat the cycle not five minutes later.  Crazy dog.

I've been watching "Say Yes to the Dress" while I'm over there.  I think I am addicted to the show.  I love it.  Now, I'm not a wedding crazy person or anything, but I love the dresses.  (I have an idea of what I want when the time comes for me to get married.  Crazy, yes, but fun anyway.)  And watching the brides - wow.  So many of them break down into tears when they're trying on the dresses. 

When the time comes for me to get married, I want to be a beautiful bride. 

Ok, enough of that.  Moving on.

Today is a loaded day filled with homework, cleaning, writing, and knitting.  Oh, and dog sitting. 

Bring it on world.  I'm ready.

~Meaghan

Tired.

I've been waking up at two and three in the morning fairly consistently the past week or two.  I wake up, realize that I either have to go to the bathroom or need to roll over, then take up to three hours to fall back asleep only to have to get up a few hours later. 

Last night was no exception.  Two am rolls around and poof.  I'm wide awake.

Yeah, it makes me tired.  I think it must just be because things are winding down and my brain is over compensating for it.  But really, it would be nice to have a night where I sleep the whole way through. 

So, I've noticed some side effects of the anti-depressant I'm taking.  It makes me very thirsty.  It also makes me less hungry.  (That could be a good thing.)  But the one that is bothering me is the nausea.  It makes me so sick to my stomach. 

I went out with my friend yesterday and we went to Red Robin.  I was eating cheese sticks and doing fine.  But five bites into my burger and it hit me.  I couldn't eat any more.  Same with dinner last night.  My friend is on similar medicine and has assured me that it will go away within two weeks. 

I really hope she's right.  The mental benefits are great, but the upset stomach needs to go.

Also, I'm dog sitting this weekend.  As it turns out, the dog has an aneurysm.  That explains the heavy panting, the seizures, the shaking, and the neurotic behavior.  She seemed happy this morning despite it all.  As long as she doesn't die on me, we shall all be good.

It's going to be a good weekend.

And on that note, I'm going to grab some breakfast.

~Meaghan

Pile on That Homework...

...and bring it on.

Oh, I have a million things due for next week, but I'm actually motivated to do them.  It's interesting. 

My day was actually pretty good, all things considered.  It's St. Patrick's day, so I wore green.  I knitted this green cabled scarf over spring break, so I paired it up with a nice kelly green blouse I own.  There are only a handful of holidays I really get into (Halloween, Christmas, Easter, etc.) and this is one of them.  So I figure, live it up a bit.

(This time next year I will be legal, so I'm thinking about getting a group together to go to a local tradition here called "Kegs and Eggs".  It has live music from really good bands; I think one year they got OK GO to come out.  Plus green beer...)

I ended up skipping my psychology class today.  I just could not do it.  I had a headache and I could not put myself through the pain of sitting in a hot classroom full of loud students while listening to a lecture I really don't care about.  Not with a headache on top.

So I slept on one of the couches for a half hour (I hate falling asleep at school, but sometimes a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do here) and then went and got some lunch from McDonald's.  I hung out with one of my friends on the second floor until it was time for Public Speaking.

(BTW, while sitting on the second floor, the guy I thought I had freaked out smiled at me.  It made my whole day.  No, he still doesn't know my name; the only reason I remember his is because we had class last semester and, as a writer, I'm pretty good with names and faces.  But still.  He smiled at me. =D)

I need to start writing my next speech.  I think I'm going to try to get that done this weekend along with the paper and slides that are due for my psychology class on Tuesday. 

I'm kind of resigning myself to having a B in my Creative Writing class.  It's not that I'm a bad writer.  I think it's more of the fact that it's a difficult class and I'm having trouble figuring out my writing style.  But hey, I'm learning stuff.

I'm dog sitting again this weekend.  It makes me nervous, just because I don't want the dog to die on me.  I don't think she will, though.  Like everything else, I need to just take it one day at a time.

And on that note, I'm off for dinner.

Until we meet again, dear readers.

~Meaghan

I Survived!

The dog is alive.  The boy is alive.  My neighbor is home safe and sound.  My poem turned out fantastic (I think it's the first piece of writing this year - so far - that I actually like how it turned out) and got turned in before the deadline.  My speech is turning out well.

I'm pretty happy.

And exhausted.

It was a long weekend.

I'll write more tomorrow.

~Meaghan

Good Lord.

The neighbor's dog decided to have a seizure this morning.  It was honestly the most terrifying thing I've witnessed.

I'm watching the son and dog this weekend.  There was a ton of snow outside but it was also nice and warm, so I decided we were all going to go outside and play.  It was a blast - the son (I'm not going to name him for safety reasons) and I took turns throwing snow balls at Flash (the dog), he dug holes in the snow with his little shovel, and Flash just had a great time eating all the snow and doing her business.

My happy thought?  Oh good, maybe they'll get tired and be settled for the rest of the day.

We were on our way back to the apartment when the six year old decided to build a "snow chair".  Basically, he just wanted an excuse to sit in the snow.  I decided it would be ok. Flash was next to me looking at the snow.  She ran into me as she scratched her ear, which was kind of weird because a.) she never obsessively scratches to the point of physically moving her sitting place and b.) she usually gages distances better; i.e. she's never run into me while scratching before.

I looked down at her and she looked at me with this look of uncomfort.  I looked back over at the boy.  The next thing I knew, Flash had thrown - not casually fallen, not laid down, not tripped, but had actually THROWN - herself nose first onto the sidewalk.  Her whole body went rigid, and then started shaking and twitching.  Her head was at an odd angle and her eyes were not right at all. 

And then she went totally still.  I thought she had died.

The boy saw her and, being young enough to not comprehend things like that, asked, "Is Flash having fun playing on the ice and snow?"

"Yes," I said, wide eyed, trying not to panic.  "Why don't you go play in that snow over there?"

Being excited to be the first person to touch that patch of snow, he eagerly scurried off.  Once he was out of ear shot, I did the only thing that made sense.  I called my mom.

By this time, Flash had gotten up off the ground, proving she wasn't dead.  She was, however, extremely disoriented and nearly fell a few times trying to regain her balance.  As my mom coached me through it, reassuring me and telling me she would be there soon (because she dropped everything to come make sure that I was ok and that the dog was ok - best mom ever, I might add), Flash laid down in the snow.

I hung up, got the three of us inside, and sent the boy to go change his clothes.  Flash was acting back like her normal self; I watched her as I called the appropriate number to reach my neighbor.  I left a message with her sergant.  Mom came over and calmed me down.

Now, on top of this, I've also had the son giving me smack all weekend.  It's not been terrible, but I've had to repeat myself multiple times.  His mom is going to get an ear full tomorrow.

Have I earned my pay?  Hell yes.  When this weekend is over, I'm getting my hair done and maybe my nails, too.

I'm exhausted.

Until the next time,

~Meaghan

Day One of Sitting

So far, so good.

The six year old and I have only had two minor squables (one involving bedtime) and I haven't fallen even though the dog has insisted on walking on the ice each and every time we go out.

So, I'm taking it as a victory.

I overhauled my speech today, making it much better than it was originally.  I'm also working on revising my poem for my creative writing class.  I'm a lot happier with where that one is going as well.

Mainly, though, I'm tired.  It takes a lot keeping up with a kid and a dog.  I don't know how people do it.  I think moms must be wonder women.

And on that note, I'm leaving for the night.  The morning comes earlier than I would like to admit.

~Meaghan

Monday is Monday.

What are you going to do?

I realized today that the weekend had completely caught up with me.  I was exhausted, I was in tears for no reason; I laid down on my bed only stir nearly two hours later.  It was crazy.

I feel a ton better now, though.  Sleep is an amazing thing.  I don't think people give it nearly enough credit.  Without sleep, I can seriously not function.  I'm already planning which day this week is going to be my sleep in day.  I'm thinking Friday or Wed.  Both look promising.

I have school tomorrow.

It's only the second week of the spring semester and already I'm not sure I want to go.  I like my classes, even if I don't feel like I'm completely prepared for all of them.  I like the subject matter and the professors.  My classmates aren't bad. 

I think the thing I dread is the hour and half that I have between classes.  Normally breaks are good.  But last week my breaks were just lonely.  And they felt long.  Granted, Tuesday wasn't bad - I was having a feud with the bookstore (ask me about it sometime, it's a thrilling story...) and spent most of my break on the phone with my mom.  But Thursday just sucked.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining.  I'm just not used to having time by myself like that.  I've gotten used to having people around me almost all the time.  Solitude in a place like school isn't a new experience; just one that I have to get used to again.  I can actually get a ton of stuff done during that time if I let myself.  I know that about myself. 

I just have to get used to being alone in the halls again.  At least for a while.  Cause at some point, I'll know someone - anyone - in the halls and will have a friend again.  It just takes time.

I did homework today.  Granted, not all of the reading is going to get done.  But the journaling is caught up, the bulk of the reading for my first class is done, and I think I'll read the speech stuff between classes.  It's a good use of my time.  I need to get my routine back in order.  Last semester, I had it worked out beautifully.  I went to class, I read on the days that I didn't have class, and everything was done with time to spare.  It worked.  I got plenty of sleep, I was able to maintain a somewhat social life (some may not call it that, but I like the one that I have, it works for me), and I was able to enjoy my semester.

The previous week did not have a good routine.  This week I'm going to do better.

I need to, or I'll be buried alive.

My neighbor's dog is doing a ton better.  My neighbor got home last night and was so relieved.  I was happy; one less thing to worry about now.  With any luck, the dog will never die on me.  And I'll still have steady job.  Next month I'm watching my neighbor's dog and son.  It should be ok.  I'm excited.

It's cold today.  I can't wait until the weather becomes more spring-like.  I wanna wear flip flops.

Ok, that's enough blogging for today.  I have another chapter of reading I need to attempt to get read before dinner.

Until next time, my dear readers.  Have a brilliant rest of your Monday. =)

~Meaghan

The Sunday Update Edition

I feel like an editor, putting that title on this post.  Ah well; I may be one soon enough.

So far, the dog is doing better.  I am so relieved you honestly have no idea.  She ate her food last night.  She went to the bathroom this morning.  She's acting more and more like herself.  I am so thankful.  She's going to stay alive.

I feel like I'm slowly but surely conquering the fears in my life.  I rode the elevator at school on Thursday - by myself, I must add - more than once.  I am using the garbage disposal with less paranoia.  (I'm going to end up writing a short story about my fear of the garabage disposal, I just know it...)  Walking by myself is getting less intimidating.  Sitting by myself at school is slowly getting more comfortable.

And I'm not afraid that the dog is going to die before the owner gets home.

I am still freaked out by the dark, spiders, drowning, etc.  It's a process.  We're getting there.

Last night I had this dream where I was out with my mom, my sister, and my friend Cathryn.  We were shopping for wedding dresses.  And not just any wedding dress, guys.  We were shopping for MY wedding dress.  I tried one on and it was perfect; everyone started crying, myself included.

I hardly ever dream about weddings.  It's an even rarer occasion for me to dream about my own.  I think I've had maybe one other dream about my wedding, and that was due to stress years ago.  I mean, I woke up from that dream feeling stressed, too.  Not good.  (I got sick shortly after, if I remember correctly...)

This one was different.  I don't remember what the dress looked like.  I know that it fit perfectly.  I was shopping with the people who matter to me, for something that mattered.  And when I woke up, I felt  hopeful.

Let me repeat that.  I felt hopeful.

It's a rare occasion that a dream makes me feel hopeful.  Normally I'm either freaking out because it was a nightmare or a stress dream, or I'm laughing because it was just plain weird.  Sometimes I'm even contemplative when I wake up.

But I feel full of hope today.  I think, as odd as this may sound, that maybe this was God's way of telling me to not give up on the opposite gender.  Because, if I'm being honest with myself, I was about to.

Now, I feel like I have simple directions to follow.  Do my thing, God will do the rest.  And most of all, keep my head up.

Between this and the fact that I'm getting over my fears a little at a time, I feel like it's going to be ok.  I'm going to be ok.  Life is going to be ok.

And the sun is shining today.  What more could I ask for?

Until the next time, my dear readers,

~Meaghan

It's Morning...

and my neighbor's dog still hasn't touched her dog food.

She was a lot more energetic going outside today.  That was a good thing.  But when we got back inside, she had no interest in food whatsoever.  I gave her a tiny bit of this thing my neighbor calls a "twistie"; that was all she really wanted to eat yesterday, too.

I did get her to eat part of a biscuit last night, which was good.

So I think she's going to be ok.  I really think she's going to be ok.  I'm going to go back and check on her in a few hours - take her outside, try to get her to eat something, let her sleep. 

Make sure she hasn't died.

I don't know what my deal with death is.  I really don't.  No one really close to me has died; I've not had a near death experience or anything.  It's just that death seems to always be one of the things that my thought process seems to always come back to. 

Maybe it's because I realize how mortal I am.  Maybe it's because I realize how short life can be.  Maybe it's because I'm twenty and that's what I'm supposed to be thinking about in some weird, twisted way.  Maybe it's because of where I've been in my life.

Who knows?  I've got nothing.  But it gives me writing material.  And it gives me a way to be morbidly different from my peers, I guess.

Last night, I had the strangest dream.  I dreamed it was Friday.  I was going to go on a trip with my English class to San Diego to do journal studies.  My understanding was that my plane wasn't scheduled to leave until the next day, Saturday.  Instead, it left Friday night.  I didn't get on it.  I had to contact my English professor.  She was very nice about the whole thing; she told me that I was going to have to get on and fly to San Diego the next day by myself.  I had a feeling of forboding about the plane ride and told her.  She told me to do whatever I felt was right; I couldn't go anyway because I was dog-sitting.  It was a good thing.  The plane ended up crashing. 

Then I was like Jack in the movie 'the Jacket'.  They locked me in a body drawer; it was frightening and tight and I couldn't breathe. I was trying to figure out how to time travel like he did so that when I died, I wouldn't be in the box for eternity.  It was hard and I was scared out of my mind.  No one wants to be stuck in a box or drawer for the rest of time.

When I woke up, I was thinking about the movie and it's ending.  It was a good movie and I liked it a lot.  I plan on seeing it again.  But the ending was rather ambiguous.  Jack hits his head and tells them to put him in the jacket so he can go see the future to see if the girl, Jackie, is any better off.  It ends with them in 2007 in her car, much like at the beginning of the movie, only she's a lot better off and her mom's still around and whatnot.  She asks him if he's ok, he says he is now, and the sun comes up.

The end.

Well, so what happened?  When he died - because he died in 1993 on New Year's Day - and was in the jacket, did he get to stay in that future of 2007?  Or did he just vanish from it as soon as he found out that she turned out ok?  Basically, did he stay dead or did he stay in the future? 

Because I liked the character of Jack Starks and because I liked the movie and because I'm a hopeless sucker, I'm choosing to think that he got to stay in 2007 and live a happy life with Jackie.  After all, it's a bit sci-fi anyway, so it's totally possible.  I hate the idea of him dying and vanishing altogether.  It bums me out greatly.

Oh, and just so everyone knows, I failed at my seven movies in seven days thing.  Life has this funny way of catching up when you least expect it.  Before you know it, the movies are due back at the library.  It's crazy how time flies.

Time for a different tangent.

So, I'm trying to decide what angle of writing I want to take for this semester.  I can't remember if I told you guys about this last night or not, so you'll have to forgive me if I'm repeating myself here.  My professor for Creative Writing II has told us that we're supposed to decide what kind of writing we want to do and to focus on it throughout the semester.  I have two different things I want to do: writing memoires/essays, or writing short stories.

It's a toss up.  Part of me doesn't feel like I have enough things in my life to write about, but that's not true.  I can do creative non-fiction and not run out of material.  But short stories are so appealing to me; they're condensed and compact, filled with things both written and implied.  I don't know.  I just don't know.

The beauty of it all is that I only have to choose for this class.  In the working world, it's all interchangable and jumbled together.  For this class I need to pick one so I can work on a portfolio.

I'm leaning towards short stories.  Maybe I can combine short stories and non-fiction.  We shall see.

And that is today's blog post.  Thanks for listening.

~Meaghan

Long Story Short...

...I'm exhausted.

It was a bit of a long day.  I'm dog sitting for my neighbor.  Before she left, she gave me a heads up - her dog was throwing up earlier.

This is the dog that I'm terrified is going to randomly die on me while I'm watching her.  So the fact that she's sick and I'm watching her for the weekend freaks me out royally.

So I've been monitoring her; she doesn't want to really eat, move about, or do much.  She seemed much more energetic tonight than she was this morning.  I'm going to take that as a good sign.  All I can do is take care of her to the best of my ability and pray that God takes pity on me and doesn't let her die in my care.  I don't know what I would do if she did.  I think I would cry and feel awful.

I did, however, get the outline for my first speech written while watching her.  I think it's going to be a decent speech - I'm going to talk for three minutes or so about my violin and how it plays into my life.  I feel good about it.

I went to the doctor this morning.  I ended up seeing the RN who shares an office with my doctor.  I have a prescription for an anti-acid medication that is stronger than the over the counter stuff that I'm going to start taking in the morning.  The RNs big concern is that I'm either suffering from acid reflux or an ulcer. 

So if this medication doesn't work, I'm to make an appointment to meet with a G.I. doctor to have a tube stuck down my throat to see if I have an ulcer or not.

Um, yeah.  Tell that to the glasses that I've had for four years and the six cavities I need filled. 

Hopefully the meds will work.

And today my mom got the contact information for where her older brother - I'm pretty sure that makes him my uncle - is.  She contacted the shelter he's at where he's turning his life around; I may get to know a part of that side of the family after all.  It's very surreal.  The only person on that side of the family that I've met is my great-aunt, who's a nun in Kentucky.  I've seen the pictures and heard the stories; but the fact that I may meet someone else is such an odd feeling.

I think it may be ok.  I'm going to pray though.  I don't want my mom to get involved in anything that's going to hurt her; if that's what this is going to do, then I want nothing to do with it.

And now I have homework.  I'm wiped, but I'm supposed to do forty-five minutes of journaling each day for my writing class.  I'm pretty excited about it.

I just need to wake up a bit.

Until the next time, dear readers.

~Meaghan

Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow...

...even though it is spring.

We got a blizzard last night. I have to say, I have been wanting a blizzard for sometime now, even though I hate the snow. The main reasons are a) it's Colorado, b) I want school and work to be cancelled, and c) I really just want a reason to do nothing but stay home, drink green tea, and knit (or write, or read, or get caught up on homework...etc..).

But no.

It blizzarded alright, with snow drifts almost up to my knee (I'm 5'4 if that gives you any insight into the depth of the snow). But I was at work when it started and had already skipped school yesterday (don't say a word - it's my money and my education, I'm allowed to skip.). To top it off, it got so bad that my dad got snowed in at King Soopers and had to spend the night there away from us.

Today it is beautiful, the sun is shining, and it is mild temperature wise. Which means that I will have class tomorrow and I have to go to work in the next 20 minutes. Oh, and my roller derby skates that I ordered are going to be late coming in because of the weather.

Did I mention I'm dog sitting again this week too? I swear, it snows everytime I dogsit...

Maybe the next time a blizzard comes through, it will actually cancel everything the next day. Needless to say, while the snow is impressive, I'm not 100% satisfied or thrilled. I think that means I get a refund.

Right?

Until the next time, cyberland readers...

~Meaghan

I Should Be Doing Homework Right Now...

At least I can admit that I should be doing something other than what I'm doing. At least I can somehow convince myself that I am not being "lazy" but rather a typical college student.

Okay, well, at least I recognize that my biology homework is sitting right next to me, not six inches away, waiting to be done.

Oh, and that the math homework is due Tuesday and I have yet to start it.

Yeah. Who am I kidding? I am screwed.

But, I don't think I actually care right now.

Anyway...

So, I'm dog sitting for my neighbor this weekend. This is the neighbor who lives in the building next door (my family lives in an apartment complex) and who had a copy of her home key made for me to keep permanently. I babysit her five year old son sometimes, and sometimes, like this weekend, I dog sit.

Flash is the dog's name, and she cracks the living daylight out of me. I go over there about four times a day to play with her, feed her, take her out, etc. Today, I went over when I got off of work and she greeted me at the door with her favorite squeaky toy in mouth, ready to go out into the snow.

She also knows where the treats are.

Of course, she also gets to the point where she can take me or leave me. I think she's ready for my neighbor to be home. Apparently I am a decent substitute, but we all know that a substitute is no permanent solution.

Okay, well that's all. I just didn't want to do homework, so I decided to blog.

Oh! A side note of interest: Joel Hodgson, creator and first host of MST3K as well as riffer with Cinematic Titanic, turns 50 today. Happy birthday, Mr. Hodgson, should you ever discover and read this. You have brought laughter to this college girl's time of stress. Cheers.

Alright. I'll talk to you cyberland people again soon.

~Meaghan