Sunday, July 18, 2010

Update! (For Real This Time..)

Oh my dear Cyberland Readers, I know it has been a while. I am truly sorry about that. Life has this horrid tendency to catch up to me and make me lose myself, which is really what happened all this week. I lost myself, but I'm getting back to normal.

Whatever normal is.

Does anyone else have that problem? It's like your mind becomes so overloaded with things that it's no longer your mind and it's like you're trying to crawl out the sides, but it's not getting you anywhere. At least, that's what happens to me from time to time, and what happened to me this week.

I have these stresses in my life that I let consume me. I'm so good at worrying that I have a lot of trouble stepping back and letting things happen on their own. Like work. Work this week has been a really big stress for me. Part of it is that I've been working early morning shifts so that I know the management procedures for opening. I'm excited about becoming a manager, but at the same time, I'm scared by it too. This is my first job in the food industry and I feel as if I don't know enough to be promoted. In all honesty, I think one of my best friends (who also works with me - that's how we met) would be a better manager. He has the skills and the experience needed to run the show; I have people skills but lack experience.

My mom says that if my boss didn't think I could handle it or do it, he wouldn't be promoting me. I just need confidence, which is hard right now. I doubt myself very easily and I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But I do, all the same. This week, I'm going to try very hard to be confident in my abilities, and see if that helps.

The other part of my job that is stressing me out is the fact that my two supervisors can't get along. It's like they can't stand each other's guts and while they both have short-comings (we all do, whether you like it or not), they are blind to them and quick to point out the other's. It drives me crazy! I know that it doesn't have anything to do with me or my friend or anything else, but it makes it difficult to work. Maybe I'm just overly sensitive, but when they fight at work, not only is it unprofessional, but it makes the air itself seem thicker. I seriously leave on my lunch break just to get some space and time away from it.

And now I feel like I can't work with either of them. One of them has a temper (he yelled at one of the bakers yesterday where yelling was not necessary) and walks in circles, and the other just has a bad attitude. Plus, she screwed one of my friends over, which makes me get all defensive. Blah...

I was at a point this week where I didn't want to go to work at all, and when I came home, I felt like crying from it all. Maybe it's because I was tired all week (I'm back to having nightmares that hover on the edge of my consciousness, which drains me), maybe it was because I was having some other mental things going on (I'll get to that in a bit), but I fleetingly thought about quiting this week. Of course I won't, I was just so stressed out that I thought about it. I like the work, I like working with my friends, I like the experience I'm getting and the way management is going to look on my resume. I am just sick of the stress. It's killing me.

I know, I know. Brush it off. Well, that's a lot easier said than done, my Cyberland Readers. A lot easier said than done.

The other part of my stress is school. Fall semester, which I am really excited about starting, is a month away. Tuition is due in less than that. As it stands, I am short about four hundred dollars. I have one more pay check between here and there, and all of it is going into savings. Tomorrow I am going to go talk to the financial aide department to see if I can get on a payment plan. If I can't, I don't know what I'm going to do. I know my parents have offered to help with books and tuition if I need them too, but I hate asking for that because I know what our financial situation is. And partly because of pride, if I am being completely honest. I work and I should be able to afford this on my own without asking for help.

I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just take out some loans? Well, you see, my Cyberland Readers, FAFSA thinks that you should only get loans if you are taking 12 or more credit hours. Because I work, I feel I am only able to handle about 10 hours a sememster. I'd like to take more, but I also want to do well and pass the classes with grades that I'm happy with. So I work to pay for school, and at school I only take 10 hours or so, so that I can work.

Yeah. Well, I really want to graduate, so I'll make it happen. I am determined about that. Somehow, it will work and I will get that diploma if it freaking kills me.

And then, finally, the thing that really set me off this week. I broke six months of not cutting or scratching, and scratched. That always sets my brian in a very dark place, and it takes me forever to get out. I feel like when I do that, I end up trapping myself in my mind. All this week, along with the other stresses and things compounding in, I feel like I haven't been myself. I've been feeling really negative and sad, and just out of it.

No more. I am getting out of my mind if it's the last thing I do.

But, you know what? Among all the stresses and negatives and bummers, I really do have a lot of good things that have happened and that I am thankful for. For one, my family has never once deserted me. For another, I have friends who listen, and one who was there when I really needed one this week and who has not blamed me for anything even though I'm pretty sure he could if he wanted to. I have a good job which is going to help me gain a new skill set that will help me down the road. And I have the ability to attend school, which a lot of young women in other countries still aren't allowed to do. These are things that I should never take for granted, and that I am so greatful for that I can't even express it.

Plus, there were some really good things this week, too. My friend and I went to see "Predators" last week, which was a lot of fun. I didn't realize that I needed to do something like that until we did it, and it was great. I took my sister out for sushi and shopping last week, which was also really nice. We try to do stuff like that on a regular basis because it gives us that time together and keeps us close. And my birthday was this week. I am now officially 20, which in all honesty, doesn't feel any different than 19 did. It was nice, though. I got to spend time with my family, which I love, and I was reminded yet again how blessed I am to have them. I also worked, which was fun. My friend and my boss both threatened to get the store to sing to me, which I'm really glad they didn't follow through cause I get embarrassed really easily and would've turned into a red puddle on the floor, so to speak.

So, it's not all bad. I just let things get to me. But not this week. This week, I am going to try to have a really positive attitude and to separate the different things so that they don't interfer with one another. And you know what? Things are going to work out. I know they always do. I just have to stick with it and throw my best foot forward, and stop complaining and stressing.

As I just read in my Bible (that's another thing - I've started reading it again, so it should help...), if God brings you to it, He also provides a way through it. I have to believe that more than I did.

And that, my Cyberland Readers, is your very long, moderately depressing, somewhat complaint filled, blog update for the day.

Until the next time,


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