Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I have to let it out

So, if you are expecting a nice little blog about how great everything is and whatever, forget it. This is your warning. I just need to rant like you would not believe, so if it bugs you, don't read it. You have been warned.

First off, let me just say that my life is not bad. Even though my dad works two jobs, my family of four lives in a small two bedroom apartment, and we are struggling in the economy like everyone else, my life is fairly easy and sheltered.

That being said, I am so stressed about what I am going to do with my life that I feel like I am going to explode.

I think part of the problem is not that I don't know what I want to do (I want to eventually be a teacher), but that everyone keeps telling me what I should or should not do. I am actually getting to the point where I want to start screaming at people to leave me alone or to take their opinions and shove them you know where.

I'm not sure I see a point in life, to be honest. You get born, you go to school where you make good grades so you can go to a good college so you can get a good job and get married and have 2.5 kids and then you grow old and die. If you think about it, there really is no good reason for us to be here. Humans as a whole do not benefit anything; rather, we destroy the earth and environment and cause discord and war amidst ourselves. It makes no sense at all to me.

At the same time, I want what everyone else wants - I want to find people who love me for who I am, I want to get married and have that level of closeness with someone, I want to make a difference for whatever it is worth.

And so I am torn as I look at colleges. If I go away, I have the ability to meet new people and try new things. If I stay, I can see how things are going to go with the people I know and the things I know. Change scares me, and yet change is inevitable.

Which brings me to relationships. I have no idea where I stand. No, wait, that's a lie. I know where I stand, I just don't know where everyone else stands. There is a boy that I have known for a few years and even though I know that I shouldn't, I still like him. I have tried everything to get over him, and yet I keep coming back to liking him. I think he likes me, but he is so dense in the arena that I seriously doubt anything is ever going to happen. And yet I want something to happen so badly that I seriously cry about it.

I am so sick of always being the single one in the group, of feeling alone even when surrounded by a million people.

Granted, I could just change my stand. I could try to see the positves of being single. I try so hard to be optimistic about everything, that included, that I feel like I'm not only trying to convince everyone around me of it, but also myself. It feels like a mask and I am so frustrated trying to figure everything out.

But things are going to get better, right? And if they don't, then maybe I'll learn to like the clouds or something. Until then, though, I just want to scream, cry, and throw myself off a cliff.

But I won't.

Because I really do want to see how things are going to play out. But I do need the stress to go away. My hair is so thin right now that I am concerned that it's never going to grow back. I have trouble sleeping, and I am almost always tired.

And that was my rant. I'm not even going to apologize for it, because it's my right to scream every once in a while when I can't handle everything life has dished my way.

Have a nice night.

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