Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Writer's block has attacked again.

Hi. I have no idea what I'm writing about today, as I seem to have developed writer's block for about the millionth time in the past, oh, five months. I know, I know - I hate it too. So I'm doing what a wise man (my dad) once told me to do, which is to write even when I have no inspiration whatsoever.

I always feel really bad when I get writer's block, because I have so many projects that I'm working on and I don't feel like working on any of them. There's Dereck and Brie (that whole story plot has evolved and is going to require a lot of re-planning), my somewhat decent poetry that I'm trying to compile, a bunch of random scrabbles that I've played around with, and this other project I started in the world of Fanfiction for a show called "Jane and the Dragon". (It's a kid's show on Qubo - yes, I realize I'm a nerd, but I also work with little kids, so give me some credit here - about a 12 year old girl who wants to be a knight in the middle ages. She also has a dragon who helps her along the way, as well as some friends who are all very well developed characters. If you haven't watched it, go look it up on youtube or at the library.)

Anyway, with so many projects going on, you would think I would be completely in my element. Well, for the most part I am. But then the writer's block attacks. I always know when it's going to start to rear it's ugly head because it starts with me becoming a giant perfectionist. Some days when I'm writing, I'm able to just sit down and get all of the concepts out of my head onto paper without even thinking about it or being critical of them. But when writer's block starts to show, I begin to get very nit-picky about things (I even go so far as to critic my handwriting or typing style as I go) and I have to stop what I'm doing.

Then comes the not wanting to do anything stage, which is where I basically put things on a shelf and try to not thing about them. Or I think about them - the plots, the settings, the characters, etc. - and get excited but feel the lack of motivation to put the words on paper. I think I used to go through notebooks like you would not believe. Now, though, I have about five completely untouched notebooks and about five partially used notebooks.

The sad thing is that the writer's block is really just part of a bigger problem, which is that I as an individual just get swamped with anxiety and stress. Even as I write this, I'm trying to remember the last time I slept the whole night without nightmares or waking up at odd hours. I think I had a day a few weeks ago where I did, but I slept so heavily that I was tired when I woke up.

The really, really sad thing is that I'm not the only one in my family struggling with things. We are all concerned about my dad's job security and the crashing economy. My sister is in constant stress trying to keep her grades good. Plus we are down to one car, which is crazy; my mom drives all of us everywhere (Katie and I are really busy - school for her, work for me, extra activities for both of us - and dad still works two jobs), which means she has to get up at like 5 and doesn't get to go to bed until after 11 at night. So I really shouldn't complain about being tired.

And the other night I finally crashed, and then woke up at 12:30 not being able to breathe. The funny thing is that my stress chooses to come to the forefront with issues that are so small compared to the rest that if I wasn't so worried, I would laugh about. Like relationships or writer's block or the fact that my room is a mess and my computer always runs slow. Small, insignificant issues. Really, I think that what happens is I get really stressed out about the big things and the only way I can deal is to take it out on the small things.

I have to say that college is right now on my mind. I'm going in March to take a tour of the campus and pre-enroll in classes. I'm very excited about it. I think the only thing that worries me is how much it's going to cost and how we are going to pay for it. If I had been smart and actually applied myself in high school, I could have graduated with close to a 4.0 and would have more opportunites for scholarships. Instead I slacked because I didn't care. It looks like I'm probably going to have to take out student loans...

But enough about it, I have whined more than enough. And I got way off topic. Sorry, folks, I really need to work on that. The good news about this super whiney blog? I think it might have helped cure my writer's block. If you have made it this far in reading, I applaud your dedication and can assure you that the next update will be much more interesting of a read.

Until we meet again,

Birdgirl90 aka Meaghan

"Need a bed to lay my body on/
Deadweight to carry down/
Some static is lulling me to sleep/
Hang your clothes on a chainlink fence/
In a junkyard, say Amen/
Your mouth is full of wordless hymns/
And run on sentences."
- Beck

1 comment:

mark said...

Hang in there. I'm sure your dad will get the car fixed. I'm sure your mom is doing okay, with maybe naps in the day time. Might skip the caffine. Your writing is really very good. Are you writing the Jane and the Dragon fan fiction? Keep it up.
I really do like your writing.

A fan