Sunday, September 13, 2009

When the blue sky rains...

I don't know what to put here, to be honest. It has been so long since I have last updated this blog that I feel like I am out of practice. Granted, I know there is no such thing as a "right way" to blog, but I still have a part of me that needs it to be perfect. It's the part of me that feels I have to be perfect at work, school, and home. And it just doesn't work out that way.

I hate it when I get like this, where I can't articulate how I'm feeling. Who knew a heart could be so full and yet to the point of cracking and breaking? I am content with my life, and yet I feel as if I could cry. I don't understand; I've given up trying to.

But that's okay. I'm a poet and a dreamer, and these muddy feelings are my inspiration for my writing. Even now I am baring my soul to whoever is reading this; even now, you are becoming a part of the story, whether conciously or not. Even now, destinies are being made and dreams are being lost and skies are clearing out and yet the rain is still pouring from them, like a million tears from heaven.

If they are happy or not is entirely up to your own personal interpretation. I'm going to choose sorrow, because it makes a more interesting story. Interesting or not, though, we are all involved in deciding where we go and what we do and how our story is going to play out. Life is like a book of blank pages, after all - we merely choose what words to put on them.

Sometimes I wonder if education really is the correct path for me. I work at a tutoring place and see first hand how obnoxious the teens can be at times. And I know that teaching high school Biology is one of those things where it's going to be difficult. I have these doubts, like are the other teachers going to like me, will I be good with the teens, will I be a good teacher?

But the truth is that I have to tune out the doubts. I know that if I don't, I won't ever go anywhere but down. So I do my best to not self-doubt and keep trying my hardest, which at times doesn't feel good enough, but I do it anyway. And when things go rough, I pray long and hard.

So maybe things will be okay. Maybe the hopeless desperation will vanish. And until it does, I will keep my head up.

So there.

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