So Far Today...

...I have managed to piss my mom off. 

And it's not even 10 am yet.

Just another day here in the life.

~Meaghan

Yay Coffee.

I made the mistake of drinking a McDonald's vanilla coffee today.  I do fine with mochas for the most part and I can handle regular coffee.  Kind of.  But I think the amount of sugar and caffiene found in the coffee that I consumed today was over the top.

I'm not saying it wasn't good, because it was amazing and I would drink it again in a heartbeat.  But I have such a case of the jitters.  Oh my goodness.  I mean, this is why I don't drink Mountain Dew, folks.  The jitters are bad news.

In other news, I started my new medication today.  Provided everything goes well, this should prove to work to my advantage.  As long as I can still write good poetry (the stuff from this week has been amazing, you have no idea) and as long as I can function without feeling like the walls are caving in, then it should be good.  I'm ready for some positive results.

I'm hoping that this week at school will be better than last week.  I'm still waiting to see if the boy with the braces is going to talk to me.  Maybe I blew that one out of the water.  Maybe I missed my window.  But I'm trying to be hopeful. 

I'm also hopeful that, if people mock me for reading, I won't hear it.  (I overheard some things last week; it's not even really worth my time to mention it here.) And that if I fail at my presentations, I fail with style.  Honestly, the worst part of things is over.  It should all be downhill from here.

And now I have to go finish my paper for this week. Joy.

~Meaghan

It's Not Mono!

Yay!  That makes me very happy.  And my liver enzymes are going back down to where they are supposed to be. 

That is the good news.

Now, here's the interesting/bad news.

The doctor won't put me back on the same medicine I was on.  In fact, she doesn't want to put me back on anything to regulate me because it's killing my liver.  That's all well and good except for the fact that I had a near panic attack at school this week and I've barely held it together.

So I told her that.  And she's decided to try an anti-anxiety pill to see if that's going to help.   It's not necessarily because I'm dealing with depression or anxiety she said, but more or less because my stupid PMS is so bad.  It's one of those things that they prescribe women who deal with it like I do.

I'm just curious as to why there doesn't seem to be middle ground for me.  I feel a lot better today than I have all week, which is definitly an improvement.  But I can't seem to stay in the good vibes for very long.  This week was a prime example of that.

I want to feel things cause that's where all my good writing comes from, but I think there comes a time when you feel too much and become overwhelmed.  I don't know how to regulate that out.

So what I'm going to do is give the medicine a whirl and see if it'll help keep me from panicing at school for the next three weeks.  I'm also doing a thing for psychology that requires me to work out every day for the next four weeks.  My thinking is that I will be able to stop taking the medicine once I get through school and get regulated from the exercise. 

I better not be able to lose my ability to write.  That's the one thing I'm concerned about.  I want to do poetry for the rest of my life.  If there is no feeling, there is no writing. 

We will see how it goes.

~Meaghan

I Think I've Found It.

What I want to do with my life, that is.

We had a jazz poetry thing today at school.  Basically, it's poetry read to live jazz music.  Whoever wanted to read could read, plus the wonderful people putting it on read.

It was the most amazing thing I have ever witnessed and been a part of.  I loved hearing the pieces that were read.  And I read a piece.

I feel like all the emotion I had pent up this week came out in that piece and it was suddenly like I could breathe again.  Like I had been holding a breath I didn't realize I was holding.  I was shaking from the release.  I mean, it was almost like a spiritual experience.

And now I know what I want to do with my life.

I want to write poetry.  And I want to read it live, some with music, some without.  I want my voice - my stupid, shy, obnoxious, quiet voice - to be heard.  Because I have something to say.  I have a lot of somethings to say.  And it's important.

I need to share my life in this way.  I need to write and to read and read live and to write some more.  I need this. 

And to all the voices that tell me I can't, to all the people who have hurt me in the past, to all the things that have piled up until I can't see the sunlight or the moonlight, I have news for you.  It is because of you that I am going to do this.  I have so much that I have bottled up my whole life and it's time. 

It's time to shine.  It's time to share.  And it's time for it to come out.

This is my life and I know now that this is what I want.  So go ahead.  Bring me down.  Because that's the stuff that I will be publishing in the next few years.

~Meaghan

RAIN!!!

It's raining.  Finally.

That's the problem with Colorado - it's either freakishly dry or it snows.  It's so rare to have a good rain storm.  (At least, that's how it feels to me.  I might be biased, though, cause I'm a native of the Midwest.)

Maybe this means I'll sleep well tonight.  Goodness knows I need to have a good day tomorrow.  Maybe rain and good sleep with help.

Anyway.

It's raining.  I'm happy.  At least, happier than I've been most of the week.

And now I'm going to bed.

~Meaghan

Chopping Down the Stack.

It's more of like casually picking at it in a slow but steady manner.  I just like the way the word "chopping" sounds today.

I feel like I am starting to see daylight.  At least, a little bit.  I only have one thing left to do for tomorrow, which I'll get done as soon as I'm done blogging on here.  I still feel like I can't breathe easily, but that will pass.  This whole thing will pass.

It always does.

I think it's really going to help when the doctor gets my stuff figured out.  Granted, my pill won't be a cure all.  But it sure helps with my PMS symptoms, which are what's going on this week.

I had to change my speech topic.  I was going to talk about self harm and why you should reach out to those who do it.  I thought it would be good, both for the class and for me.  I thought I was ready to talk about it. 

I was wrong.

Honestly, there's no way I would make it through tomorrow if I was giving that as a speech.  I'm already a bordering basket case.  Why should I put myself though that?

So now I'm going to give a speech on why you should listen to classical music while doing your homework.  I don't know if it's going to be long enough or if it's going to be good, but it's better than the one I was going to give. 

I really do just want to make it through the next few weeks.  I feel like I'm barely treading water right now, which is a change from yesterday when I felt like I was drowing.  I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

I'm going to take all these frustrations I feel from school and life and I'm going to write a collection of poetry.  Then I'm going to revise it a million times and try to get it published.  But before I get it published, I'm going to find an open mike session downtown and read them. 

I want to read my stuff outloud.  I've never wanted to before, but now I do. 

Maybe it's the weather.

Anyway, that's what's going on here.  Still trudging, still plodding, still chopping in a meticulous fashion that ants are jealous of.

Until tomorrow.

~Meaghan

What a Week. :P

It has been such a crappy week and it's only Tuesday.  Tuesday, guys.  I don't know if I'm going to make it to Friday, believe it or not.

A huge part of it is my mood.  The doctor is changing my medications and right now, I'm not on squat.  I have been on such a huge roller coaster ride the past week and a half.  This week has been the down slope.

Or rather crash.

I have four weeks of school left; everything massive is due in the next two weeks.  Everything is hitting me wrong.  I started crying Sunday night, cried most of the morning yesterday, and then had to leave school today for the same thing.

I feel like I'm crashing and burning in the solar system, totally alone.

And no, I don't usually feel this way.

I was reading T.S. Elliot today, because I love the man, and these two girls from one of my classes came over and sat with me.  Turns out, both of them do drugs and they decided that that's what they were going to talk about with me.  After a half hour of laughing at the absurdity of the stories I was hearing and standing up for my own values, I decided it was probably time to go.  I had nearly made that decision when the guy that I have a crush on walked by.  That really made my choice up for me - I don't want to be associated as a drug person.

Because I'm not.  Believe me.  I don't drink, do drugs, or party.  I am content staying at home and reading literature.

I went to the fourth floor and sat alone with my book of poetry and realized that there are very few people I've met who actually enjoy that sort of thing.  I've just about given up on finding anyone of the opposite gender who appreciates things like "the Wasteland".

Add to this a headache and a constantly threatening nervous break down and I knew I had to get out of there.  Sorry speech class.  I couldn't breathe.

I haven't felt this way in such a long time.  Such a long time.  I need to breathe, need to breathe, need to breathe.

I feel jumpy, upset, like everything is too much. 

To top it off, it seems like I might be catching strep throat. 

I feel like I can't do it.  I know that I can, but I feel like I can't.

Maybe the rest of the week will look better.

~Meaghan