Wow.

I just realized that it's been almost six whole months since I last cut. I don't know why I'm blogging about this, as many people are unaware that I slipped up last year, but I need to get it out.

I am so done with cutting, so I'm ready to talk about it now. Posting this is hard for me, though, just because I still get nervous about it, but I am so ready to move on with my life.

I was stressing out in Novemember and December and ended up cutting in both months. It wasn't as bad as people I know have done, nor was it as bad as what I've done in the past, and as far as I know, no one knows about it except me. I am not proud of it, and I can honestly say I don't know what compelled me to do it.

Cutting is something I've struggled with off and on for almost five years now. Telling people about it is hard - you get a range of reactions from some giving you weird looks to others telling you to just stop. They don't understand that you can't just stop. It doesn't work like that. Cutting or scratching or any other form of self-injurious behaviors are like narcotics; the more you do them, the more you're body craves the endorphine rush.

I was always more of the occasional one, going three to six months between cuts or scratches, and never doing it terribly bad, just enough to get the rush. As stated before, I am not proud of it.

My new year's resolution was to go the entire 2010 year without cutting once. I've never been able to make it a whole year without cutting or scratching at least once, but this is my year. Even when I was really stressed out earlier this year, I did not feel the urge to cut, so I think I'm going to make it.

I think part of what may be helping me out right now is that I accepted Christ back in February. I know a lot of people will tell me I'm crazy, and that's totally fine, but I feel like having His presence in my life is really helping me out, especially here. Even on my worst days I don't feel like going back to where I once was, and things are really looking up.

It's times like these that I am extremely happy that I did not follow through with the suicidal thoughts I once had. Life is too short, and I can now see that it's a wonderful thing, even the rough parts.

Ok, that's my blog for today. Sorry we got a little serious there - next one will be more fun, I swear. I just really needed this to be out so I can move on.

Have a great night, Cyberland, and enjoy your week. :D

~Meaghan